2012 isn't even half over yet, and I gotta tell you, this is not looking like a good year for me. The last month has seen my life becoming even more stressful and emotional then it was when we lost Zac. I didn't know that it was possible to feel so much pain and confusion.
As I mentioned in my last post, I put our adoption plans on hold. I'm very thankful that I did that before life started spinning me in circles. We are new home owners, which is wonderful, but it brings a new set of responsibilities. Squishy had a medical issue that came up, which was scary and time consuming. Squishy's Dad & Step-mom came for a pre-scheduled visit and his Mom came to help with all the medical craziness. All that aside, the biggest change is yet to come: Squishy has made the decision to leave the military and resume civilian life after 10 years.
My emotions about this are kind of all over the place, so I am turning to you my dear blog. While it is not directly adoption related, I think that any life stuff that happens to us impacts our adoption plans. And as always, if I am blessed with another child, I want that kid to know the struggles and triumphs we had creating our family.
Let me start by saying that I think Squishy getting out of the military is the right decision for Him. He has been through 4 deployments, seen things no one should have to see, and is ready for a change. Since it is ultimately the best decision for him, I know in the long run it is the right decision for our family. It means major changes for all of us, but right now I kind of feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick.
These next couple of paragraphs may come off a little whiny, so I apologize in advance.
The military is our identity. We shop on base, our friends are military, we have military health insurance, and in 10 years we were supposed to start getting a military retirement check. Our life insurance is through the military. Stepping away from the military means recreating a whole lot of the basic support structures. While it is possible and I can do it, I wasn't planning on having to do it. And if you know me at all, getting the rug pulled out from under me does not make me very comfortable (or easy to be around I'm sure).
With Squishy leaving the military and going back to school, I am heading back to full-time work. I have no problem with hardwork. What I do have a problem with is my resume and leaving Squirt. Growing up I had always planned to be a career woman, but when I fell in love with Squishy and had Squirt, that had to change. The particular area of education that I got my masters degree in really required me to move and get a "real" job after graduation. But being married to a military man, that didn't happen. It took me 2 years after graduation and a move to Texas before I landed my first grown-up job. It wasn't perfect (no job is), but it was my job with a real paycheck and benefits and an office. Unfortunately, my job required a lot of long hours and with Squishy's deployment schedule, I had no clue how I could balance all of it with a baby. As I was making the decision, a dear friend told me that I could always restart my career, I couldn't recreate time with my son.
Squirt will be three at the end of summer and I have never for a second regretted the decision. I love, Love, LOVE being a stay at home mom. Sometimes I look at our weeks and I feel like we didn't do anything productive. But then he gives me 15 kisses on his own, since he currently loves to pick numbers and count, and oh I feel like I must be doing something right. After 3 years, with the new house, and my nursery job at the church, I finally felt like I was getting in the groove. I was with Squirt and back working in education, sort of, and things were going to be great.
And now, I have to go back to work. My resume looks like crap. Let's see: fast food, retail, military, education, church receptionist, fast food, retail, care-giver, substitute teacher, weight loss counselor,education, 18 month gap, daycare, church nursery. I can tell people until I'm blue in the face that my short tenure at places was due to moving and having a kid and blah, blah, blah, but the fact is that I look flighty and like I have no clue what I want to do when I grow up. I have a bunch of skills (customer service, organization, blah, blah, blah), but I don't have a clue and/or the confidence on how to market myself.
I've started applying for jobs and realize that even if I were some how able to do some resume magic and build the confidence to land a real job in education (I don't even care at this point what level of education), most real jobs mean working 8-5. That means less time with Squirt.
Okay, I know there are millions of mom's out there that work and only see their kids in the evenings and weekends. Push comes to shove, I'll do it if I have to, but I don't want to. I would much Much MUCH rather work afternoons or evenings or overnights so that I get to maximize my time with him. The problem with that is that most of those jobs are a bit more blue collar. And I'm really not a snob about working retail or fast food (as my resume shows), but there is still an ego thing involved. Fact is I'm 31 years old, I don't know if I have the stamina to be on my feet for 8 hours a day or the desire to come home smelling like grease. But yet my heart is telling me that McDonald's is the right way to go. It has health insurance, flexible hours, and I can still hang out with my crazy kiddo.
I also really don't want to lose my job at the church, which I would need to do if I go back to a "regular" job. I love my co-workers and am so excited for the year ahead. Once again, I think typing it out is giving me my answers.
I have an interview tomorrow at McDonald's, and if they offer it, I think I am going to accept. I will keep applying for other jobs that might be a little bit more fitting (both my sisters work for hotels and I think that might be a more appealing option), but I think until Squirt is a little older, I need to sacrifice my ego a bit and do this. We still have several months of military paychecks coming in, but with me working, we can put more towards the house and the adoption and make a little more of a financial cushion.
Meanwhile, Squishy is applying to schools and I am restarting classes towards my doctorate in June. Maybe in a couple of years we will be able to both find our "dream" jobs and grow up, but for the next couple of years, I think the priority is just going to be on doing what we need to for our family.
Once I am working again and I have a better grasp on our budget and such, we can update our homestudy and our adoption profile and go from there.
And through it all, I find myself going back to my old stand-by: counting my blessings. I know that Squirt is learning a lot from me, but I really hope that I am able to teach him that in even the most trying times he is truly fortunate. I close with a list of things that I am so very Very VERY thankful for.
Right as Squishy was having so many problems with work, a friend lost her husband "over there," doing the same job Squishy did. People in their line of work get hurt and killed far too often, but this is the first time it really hit close to home for me. Despite all the craziness of the past and the uncertainty of the future, Squishy is by my side. He never has to deploy again. I am so thankful for that.
And when he did get sick, we had health insurance and the right resources to heal him. I am healthy, he is getting healthy, and Squirt is healthy. I hate to even imagine the alternative.
I'm crabby and scared about going back to work, but what a blessing that I can work. I think too often this one gets taken for granted.
I have a roof over my head and I live in a nice house that is (mostly) clean with running water and electricity. I have a closet full of clothes and food in my fridge. This blessing alone reminds me of just how fortunate I am.
I have an incredible support system that truly amazes me every day. I have friends and family that I can call in the middle of the night and people who will drop everything to be here to support me when I need it. I am in awe and speechless over that fact. You all encourage me to be a better friend to those around me.
And finally, I have Squirt. Oh, that child is my reason for everything. He doesn't care what my resume looks like or whether I work at McDonalds or if we live on PB & J's... he just wants to be with his "Ba," (Mom) and that is my primary focus. The rest is just noise.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
On Hold
We have placed ourselves "on hold" with the agency for awhile. My brain/heart can only handle so much at a time and right now my focus is on Squishy (he is having some struggles at work) and our current family. The new house is AMAZING, but with it comes new bills and a necessity to overhaul our budget. I've never before in my life paid a water bill or a gas bill, so I am completely clueless as to how to estimate them (I even tried googling "average water bill for our city" and no success).
My heart is just overwhelmed right now. A friend lost her husband who was deployed last weekend. Kind of just feels like a punch to the gut. As wives, we do our best to prepare ourselves, but I just want to run to her and hold her tight. And a co-workers daughter recently got told she has cancer. And the father of two dear friends is in the hospital... this man was a primary male role model for me for many years and my heart is breaking for my "brother and sister," who have enough on their plate. There is so much bad and sad in the world, that I find myself completely unable to tolerate people who are negative about minor things.
Things were pretty stressful in our house this week and I know it was a combination of stress from the move/overtiredness/and illness. I was very crabby and negative must of the week. I've learned that when I'm in a that kind of mood, I tend to attract more negative things into my life. Or I notice the bad things more. And I let them impact me more. For example, on Thursday, I stopped by the store to buy a get well card for the above mentioned daughter with cancer. Debit card got declined. WHAT?!? It seriously put me in a funk the rest of the day, even after I logged onto our account and got it squared away (we have overdraft protection, so no harm, no foul). It was just a simple mistake since I have been distracted, but I let it eat away at me.
My point is, we all have bad days. We are all allowed bad days. But the key here is "DAYS." I'm so over the people who just complain. I'm tempted to go through my facebook account and if you haven't said anything positive in your last three status updates... DELETE.
Like I said, this week was pretty rough for me. I'm a compulsive planner type and suddenly events happened with Squishy's job that made me question our long term financial future. To put it mildly, I freaked the heck out. But after a few days, I feel in a much better place. Maybe even better than I was before the scary events because I'm in a much deeper place of gratitude.
When I was freaking out on Monday, I did something that I don't think I have ever done: I turned to my dad for guidance first. I usually go to my mom (the 'rents have never been together in my lifetime), but this time, within minutes, I was firing off an e-mail to my dad. God bless that man... he e-mailed me back almost instantly, and e-mailed several times over the course of the next few days to follow up. And on Thursday (the same crappy Thursday above), he left me a voice mail message in which he told me he loved me twice in about 30 seconds. It made a world of difference to me.
Some big lessons/reminders that came out of this week: on our very worst day, Squishy and I still have each other. I take that for granted A LOT. I take him for granted A LOT. But the fact is that life is always going to have struggles, but I am so very thankful that during all of the struggles, I have him as my co-captain. We have an incredibly amazing and healthy son. Squirt is a lot of things right now at 2 1/2.... stubborn being the first one that comes to mine. But he is healthy and he is here and he is ours. As I type, the tears start as I think about the friends who don't have that.
I've mentioned it before, but I find great comfort in counting my blessings. Some days I have to start with the very basics: clean air and water. I heard that song "and I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free" the other day. I'm not super uber patriotic and "Go America," but I am completely thankful for the things we have in this country that we so often take for granted. The song says something about how if you woke up and had absolutely nothing but your spouse and kids, you would be thankful to be in America, where starting over is possible.
Sorry this is kind of an all-over the place post... I'm just kind of feeling all over the place inside. It is hard coping with struggles and trying to remain focused on the positives and the basics.
And now, I'm going to get off the computer and go snuggle with that amazing husband of mine and whisper in his ear just how truly appreciative I am of him.
My heart is just overwhelmed right now. A friend lost her husband who was deployed last weekend. Kind of just feels like a punch to the gut. As wives, we do our best to prepare ourselves, but I just want to run to her and hold her tight. And a co-workers daughter recently got told she has cancer. And the father of two dear friends is in the hospital... this man was a primary male role model for me for many years and my heart is breaking for my "brother and sister," who have enough on their plate. There is so much bad and sad in the world, that I find myself completely unable to tolerate people who are negative about minor things.
Things were pretty stressful in our house this week and I know it was a combination of stress from the move/overtiredness/and illness. I was very crabby and negative must of the week. I've learned that when I'm in a that kind of mood, I tend to attract more negative things into my life. Or I notice the bad things more. And I let them impact me more. For example, on Thursday, I stopped by the store to buy a get well card for the above mentioned daughter with cancer. Debit card got declined. WHAT?!? It seriously put me in a funk the rest of the day, even after I logged onto our account and got it squared away (we have overdraft protection, so no harm, no foul). It was just a simple mistake since I have been distracted, but I let it eat away at me.
My point is, we all have bad days. We are all allowed bad days. But the key here is "DAYS." I'm so over the people who just complain. I'm tempted to go through my facebook account and if you haven't said anything positive in your last three status updates... DELETE.
Like I said, this week was pretty rough for me. I'm a compulsive planner type and suddenly events happened with Squishy's job that made me question our long term financial future. To put it mildly, I freaked the heck out. But after a few days, I feel in a much better place. Maybe even better than I was before the scary events because I'm in a much deeper place of gratitude.
When I was freaking out on Monday, I did something that I don't think I have ever done: I turned to my dad for guidance first. I usually go to my mom (the 'rents have never been together in my lifetime), but this time, within minutes, I was firing off an e-mail to my dad. God bless that man... he e-mailed me back almost instantly, and e-mailed several times over the course of the next few days to follow up. And on Thursday (the same crappy Thursday above), he left me a voice mail message in which he told me he loved me twice in about 30 seconds. It made a world of difference to me.
Some big lessons/reminders that came out of this week: on our very worst day, Squishy and I still have each other. I take that for granted A LOT. I take him for granted A LOT. But the fact is that life is always going to have struggles, but I am so very thankful that during all of the struggles, I have him as my co-captain. We have an incredibly amazing and healthy son. Squirt is a lot of things right now at 2 1/2.... stubborn being the first one that comes to mine. But he is healthy and he is here and he is ours. As I type, the tears start as I think about the friends who don't have that.
I've mentioned it before, but I find great comfort in counting my blessings. Some days I have to start with the very basics: clean air and water. I heard that song "and I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free" the other day. I'm not super uber patriotic and "Go America," but I am completely thankful for the things we have in this country that we so often take for granted. The song says something about how if you woke up and had absolutely nothing but your spouse and kids, you would be thankful to be in America, where starting over is possible.
Sorry this is kind of an all-over the place post... I'm just kind of feeling all over the place inside. It is hard coping with struggles and trying to remain focused on the positives and the basics.
And now, I'm going to get off the computer and go snuggle with that amazing husband of mine and whisper in his ear just how truly appreciative I am of him.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Letting Go
So we bought a house. Super duper excited for this. Unfortunately, in the packing process I'm once again confronted with "baby stuff." I've held on to it since Squirt outgrew it, thinking/hoping/knowing that he'd be a big brother soon. But after 2 disruptions, I'm finding myself letting go of the idea.
I just couldn't bring myself to pack it all up and move it. I didn't know where in the new place I would put it either. Truth is, everytime I look at it, I mourn for Zac.
And so, I am donating it all. I hate that I'm wasting a lot of money and that some of it was gifts to Zac, but I really just can't stand to see it. I figure that maybe items that are bringing me pain can bring joy to someone else.
The realtor was amazed at how efficient I was during the whole process, and I explained to her that it is easy for me to follow orders. If only everything in my life could come with such explicit instructions...
With the move, and it being nearly a year since we got our homestudy completed, we need to update a bunch of security clearances and get a new home visit. It all means time and money. I'm losing my faith. I'm holding on because Squishy still is and I don't have anything against being a mom again, but if he came to me tomorrow and said "I'm okay with Squirt being an only child," I think I would breathe a sigh of relief at this point.
I used to stress about the idea of a hospital call... the "a baby was born, you have 24 hours to come get him/her," because I didn't know how to start planning for that. Now, that is what I hope for. I feel like it would just be a billion times easier on my heart right now to just have that chaos for a few weeks and then bring home a baby, then to get matched again and then just wait. If I was worried about being distant with birth mom #2 after getting burned by the Zac situation, I really don't know what I emotionally have to offer birth mom #3. "Once bitten, twice shy," but what about twice bitten? Scared for life?
This whole process has left me feeling extremely powerless. I feel like walking away would at least be our decision... something we can control.
And meanwhile more and more friends are getting pregnant and having babies. It is such a mixed set of emotions... to be so completely happy for them... especially the first time parents... and yet to be so... jealous? Is that what I am? Am I jealous? I feel like jealousy is such an ugly emotion, but maybe that's what I am. And I just feel guilty, because while I have this amazing toddler, I know there are still so many friends and family struggling to become parents for the first time.... am I being selfish wanting another?
I just couldn't bring myself to pack it all up and move it. I didn't know where in the new place I would put it either. Truth is, everytime I look at it, I mourn for Zac.
And so, I am donating it all. I hate that I'm wasting a lot of money and that some of it was gifts to Zac, but I really just can't stand to see it. I figure that maybe items that are bringing me pain can bring joy to someone else.
The realtor was amazed at how efficient I was during the whole process, and I explained to her that it is easy for me to follow orders. If only everything in my life could come with such explicit instructions...
With the move, and it being nearly a year since we got our homestudy completed, we need to update a bunch of security clearances and get a new home visit. It all means time and money. I'm losing my faith. I'm holding on because Squishy still is and I don't have anything against being a mom again, but if he came to me tomorrow and said "I'm okay with Squirt being an only child," I think I would breathe a sigh of relief at this point.
I used to stress about the idea of a hospital call... the "a baby was born, you have 24 hours to come get him/her," because I didn't know how to start planning for that. Now, that is what I hope for. I feel like it would just be a billion times easier on my heart right now to just have that chaos for a few weeks and then bring home a baby, then to get matched again and then just wait. If I was worried about being distant with birth mom #2 after getting burned by the Zac situation, I really don't know what I emotionally have to offer birth mom #3. "Once bitten, twice shy," but what about twice bitten? Scared for life?
This whole process has left me feeling extremely powerless. I feel like walking away would at least be our decision... something we can control.
And meanwhile more and more friends are getting pregnant and having babies. It is such a mixed set of emotions... to be so completely happy for them... especially the first time parents... and yet to be so... jealous? Is that what I am? Am I jealous? I feel like jealousy is such an ugly emotion, but maybe that's what I am. And I just feel guilty, because while I have this amazing toddler, I know there are still so many friends and family struggling to become parents for the first time.... am I being selfish wanting another?
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Prayers
Talking about God is kind of a touchy subject in our house. Squishy and I have differing beliefs, so what I type here is simply my opinion, not ours as a couple.
I used to think that if God didn't make things happen the way you wanted them to that He didn't care. I selfishly and ignorantly assume that I knew what was best. It has taken a lot of years for me to come to a place (and believe me, I still struggle) with recognizing that Garth Brooks was right when he sang "some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."
Upon the advice of the adoption agency, we have decided not to move forward with the match. Basically, the birth mom was showing indications of planning to parent. All of our money will be returned and we are once again active, waiting for a match. We told less people this time, and I think by the time we finally get a kiddo, we won't even tell each other!
I sent up a lot of prayers to God about this match. Squishy and I had made the decision that if this baby was born and we didn't get to bring her home that we were going to stop trying. I had meant for God to make sure I got to bring that little girl home, but He knows best. I'm glad that we know now, before we devoted months in getting to know the birth mom and prepping for a baby.
I have to believe with my whole heart that I am meant to be a mommy again. I'm not sure why we are having such a hard time (my mom asked "does this agency ever have successful placements?'), but I'm sure that it is all happening for a reason.
Thank you all for your continued love and support.
I used to think that if God didn't make things happen the way you wanted them to that He didn't care. I selfishly and ignorantly assume that I knew what was best. It has taken a lot of years for me to come to a place (and believe me, I still struggle) with recognizing that Garth Brooks was right when he sang "some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."
Upon the advice of the adoption agency, we have decided not to move forward with the match. Basically, the birth mom was showing indications of planning to parent. All of our money will be returned and we are once again active, waiting for a match. We told less people this time, and I think by the time we finally get a kiddo, we won't even tell each other!
I sent up a lot of prayers to God about this match. Squishy and I had made the decision that if this baby was born and we didn't get to bring her home that we were going to stop trying. I had meant for God to make sure I got to bring that little girl home, but He knows best. I'm glad that we know now, before we devoted months in getting to know the birth mom and prepping for a baby.
I have to believe with my whole heart that I am meant to be a mommy again. I'm not sure why we are having such a hard time (my mom asked "does this agency ever have successful placements?'), but I'm sure that it is all happening for a reason.
Thank you all for your continued love and support.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Perspective
The last few days I have been in a good place regarding the adoption.
For those that haven't heard, we have been matched again. Please don't make a big deal out of it, since we are keeping it on the down-low. We made such a big deal out of Zac and that got our hearts broken, so this time, we are just trying to go on with our lives. Once bitten, twice shy. If this placement is successful, we will have a whole lifetime to get excited and celebrate.
Meanwhile, we have been in contact with an adoption support group here in town. They meet monthly during the school year and have speakers/panels about various topics. I was able to meet one-on-one with the woman who is organizing the group and I am very thankful and excited to have connect with them. Our first meeting will be in April, when we get to hear from adults that have been adopted. It sounds like the group is a good mix of people who have adopted and who are thinking about and/or trying to adopt, like us. There is also a good mix of foster to adoptions, international, domestic, and private adoptions. I think that long term, it will be really important for us as a family to have connections with other families with adoption experience to help us through some of the unique challenges.
Currently, we have a video camera from the agency that we are using to make a video for our profile. Even though we have been matched again, we were encouraged to still move forward with the video, either to show the birth mom or to put on our profile if we are once again disrupted. Basically we shoot a bunch of footage of us being us and then the agency makes it into a 3 minute video. It is pretty strange since I don't really consider us all that super excited. "Here is us reading books," "here is us at the park." We have the camera until the beginning of April, so I'm trying to plot fun things to film. We have an Easter Egg Hunt coming up at work. And Squirt will start swim lessons the first weekend in April. I just saw on tv that there is a Dinosaur Train event (with a special appearance by Buddy) next weekend, so I might have to drag the family on a road trip for that! The Hubby is going out of town this week for work, so I'm making him take the camera too. I know WHY they are having families make these videos, but honestly, I just feel so uncomfortable on film!
I mentioned work in the above paragraph... I've started working a few days a week at a Mothers Day Out program. It is nice to get out of the house, and make a little money, plus I get to take Squirt with me. I'm a teacher in the 2 & 3 year old classroom. Love the kids! And my co-workers! Very thankful for this opportunity.
When we aren't working, Squishy and I have started house hunting. So exciting and scary! Are we really grown-up enough to buy a house?!? Thanks to pinterest (and basically renting for the last 13 years), I am soooo excited to paint, plant a garden, decorate. We found a couple that we are really interested in, and go back out there tomorrow. Sunny & Squishy: Homeowners. EEK!
Alright, time to get off the computer and clean up the house a bit. I'm hosting our MOPS steering committee meeting this morning. Which means I could have an extra 5 kids and 5 adults coming over in a couple of hours.
Love to you all!
For those that haven't heard, we have been matched again. Please don't make a big deal out of it, since we are keeping it on the down-low. We made such a big deal out of Zac and that got our hearts broken, so this time, we are just trying to go on with our lives. Once bitten, twice shy. If this placement is successful, we will have a whole lifetime to get excited and celebrate.
Meanwhile, we have been in contact with an adoption support group here in town. They meet monthly during the school year and have speakers/panels about various topics. I was able to meet one-on-one with the woman who is organizing the group and I am very thankful and excited to have connect with them. Our first meeting will be in April, when we get to hear from adults that have been adopted. It sounds like the group is a good mix of people who have adopted and who are thinking about and/or trying to adopt, like us. There is also a good mix of foster to adoptions, international, domestic, and private adoptions. I think that long term, it will be really important for us as a family to have connections with other families with adoption experience to help us through some of the unique challenges.
Currently, we have a video camera from the agency that we are using to make a video for our profile. Even though we have been matched again, we were encouraged to still move forward with the video, either to show the birth mom or to put on our profile if we are once again disrupted. Basically we shoot a bunch of footage of us being us and then the agency makes it into a 3 minute video. It is pretty strange since I don't really consider us all that super excited. "Here is us reading books," "here is us at the park." We have the camera until the beginning of April, so I'm trying to plot fun things to film. We have an Easter Egg Hunt coming up at work. And Squirt will start swim lessons the first weekend in April. I just saw on tv that there is a Dinosaur Train event (with a special appearance by Buddy) next weekend, so I might have to drag the family on a road trip for that! The Hubby is going out of town this week for work, so I'm making him take the camera too. I know WHY they are having families make these videos, but honestly, I just feel so uncomfortable on film!
I mentioned work in the above paragraph... I've started working a few days a week at a Mothers Day Out program. It is nice to get out of the house, and make a little money, plus I get to take Squirt with me. I'm a teacher in the 2 & 3 year old classroom. Love the kids! And my co-workers! Very thankful for this opportunity.
When we aren't working, Squishy and I have started house hunting. So exciting and scary! Are we really grown-up enough to buy a house?!? Thanks to pinterest (and basically renting for the last 13 years), I am soooo excited to paint, plant a garden, decorate. We found a couple that we are really interested in, and go back out there tomorrow. Sunny & Squishy: Homeowners. EEK!
Alright, time to get off the computer and clean up the house a bit. I'm hosting our MOPS steering committee meeting this morning. Which means I could have an extra 5 kids and 5 adults coming over in a couple of hours.
Love to you all!
Monday, March 19, 2012
Monday
Sorry that it has been a little while. I've been living a lot "in my head" the past few weeks.
I am trying to move forward, but still feeling so betrayed. I'm trying to balance wanting what is best for Zac with being oh-so-angry at his birth parents. And I'm trying to come to peace with what has happened and what we have lost.
I want to close my eyes and forget that any of this ever happened, just wipe the slate clean. But I also want to remember every second and detail of loving that little baby.
Mostly, I'm just trying to stay busy so that it doesn't hurt.
I am trying to move forward, but still feeling so betrayed. I'm trying to balance wanting what is best for Zac with being oh-so-angry at his birth parents. And I'm trying to come to peace with what has happened and what we have lost.
I want to close my eyes and forget that any of this ever happened, just wipe the slate clean. But I also want to remember every second and detail of loving that little baby.
Mostly, I'm just trying to stay busy so that it doesn't hurt.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Tattoo
I knew early in the adoption process that I was going to get a tattoo for our second kiddo. I have a turtle with his name and birth date for Squirt, so it made sense to get one for baby #2. Since we took to calling our adoption dream "Spud," I imagined a Mr. (or Mrs.) Potato Head.
I can't tell you how many times between November 3 when we got the call until January 4 when I put him back in his father's arms I pictured where I would put the Mr. Potato Head and "Zachary John" and what font. When he was born on Christmas, I thought it would be cute to do a Santa hat.
But when we gave him back, that tattoo no longer seemed right. He wasn't our Spud. Still a hard pill to swallow. Trying to figure out how to move on with the dream of Spud, our adopted child, and still honor this baby boy who was completely loved and perfect.
Squishy and I decided pretty quickly that we still wanted to get tats for our second son. A few weeks ago, he got kind of a gingerbread boy outline and the name Zac.
It has taken me a little bit longer to get mine though. Part of it is trying to find the time, and part of it is that tattoos hurt dang it. But the real reason is that I think I was still holding out hope that maybe, just maybe, they will call and say "it was a mistake, he really is yours." Or maybe, just maybe, I'd wake up and he'd be sleeping next to me and this would have all been a bad dream. But, once again, I have to face the fact that he isn't coming back.
And so tonight, I worked up the courage and got my tattoo. It is simple and small, but a reminder that for a brief and shining moment, I was a mommy of 2. And it carries the hope that I will be again. The dream of Spud 2.0 lives on.
Meanwhile, this evening my college BFF and my grad school BFF both gave birth to baby boy's. They have never met, though I think they would get along smashingly, and were both due on the same day next week. This is baby #2 for both of them. Congratulations my loves! And give those babies lots of kisses from me!
***
It is going to hurt for a long time. My heart will never completely heal; there will always be a Zac shaped hole. But it will be okay.
I can't tell you how many times between November 3 when we got the call until January 4 when I put him back in his father's arms I pictured where I would put the Mr. Potato Head and "Zachary John" and what font. When he was born on Christmas, I thought it would be cute to do a Santa hat.
But when we gave him back, that tattoo no longer seemed right. He wasn't our Spud. Still a hard pill to swallow. Trying to figure out how to move on with the dream of Spud, our adopted child, and still honor this baby boy who was completely loved and perfect.
Squishy and I decided pretty quickly that we still wanted to get tats for our second son. A few weeks ago, he got kind of a gingerbread boy outline and the name Zac.
It has taken me a little bit longer to get mine though. Part of it is trying to find the time, and part of it is that tattoos hurt dang it. But the real reason is that I think I was still holding out hope that maybe, just maybe, they will call and say "it was a mistake, he really is yours." Or maybe, just maybe, I'd wake up and he'd be sleeping next to me and this would have all been a bad dream. But, once again, I have to face the fact that he isn't coming back.
And so tonight, I worked up the courage and got my tattoo. It is simple and small, but a reminder that for a brief and shining moment, I was a mommy of 2. And it carries the hope that I will be again. The dream of Spud 2.0 lives on.
Meanwhile, this evening my college BFF and my grad school BFF both gave birth to baby boy's. They have never met, though I think they would get along smashingly, and were both due on the same day next week. This is baby #2 for both of them. Congratulations my loves! And give those babies lots of kisses from me!
***
It is going to hurt for a long time. My heart will never completely heal; there will always be a Zac shaped hole. But it will be okay.
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