Talking about God is kind of a touchy subject in our house. Squishy and I have differing beliefs, so what I type here is simply my opinion, not ours as a couple.
I used to think that if God didn't make things happen the way you wanted them to that He didn't care. I selfishly and ignorantly assume that I knew what was best. It has taken a lot of years for me to come to a place (and believe me, I still struggle) with recognizing that Garth Brooks was right when he sang "some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."
Upon the advice of the adoption agency, we have decided not to move forward with the match. Basically, the birth mom was showing indications of planning to parent. All of our money will be returned and we are once again active, waiting for a match. We told less people this time, and I think by the time we finally get a kiddo, we won't even tell each other!
I sent up a lot of prayers to God about this match. Squishy and I had made the decision that if this baby was born and we didn't get to bring her home that we were going to stop trying. I had meant for God to make sure I got to bring that little girl home, but He knows best. I'm glad that we know now, before we devoted months in getting to know the birth mom and prepping for a baby.
I have to believe with my whole heart that I am meant to be a mommy again. I'm not sure why we are having such a hard time (my mom asked "does this agency ever have successful placements?'), but I'm sure that it is all happening for a reason.
Thank you all for your continued love and support.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
Perspective
The last few days I have been in a good place regarding the adoption.
For those that haven't heard, we have been matched again. Please don't make a big deal out of it, since we are keeping it on the down-low. We made such a big deal out of Zac and that got our hearts broken, so this time, we are just trying to go on with our lives. Once bitten, twice shy. If this placement is successful, we will have a whole lifetime to get excited and celebrate.
Meanwhile, we have been in contact with an adoption support group here in town. They meet monthly during the school year and have speakers/panels about various topics. I was able to meet one-on-one with the woman who is organizing the group and I am very thankful and excited to have connect with them. Our first meeting will be in April, when we get to hear from adults that have been adopted. It sounds like the group is a good mix of people who have adopted and who are thinking about and/or trying to adopt, like us. There is also a good mix of foster to adoptions, international, domestic, and private adoptions. I think that long term, it will be really important for us as a family to have connections with other families with adoption experience to help us through some of the unique challenges.
Currently, we have a video camera from the agency that we are using to make a video for our profile. Even though we have been matched again, we were encouraged to still move forward with the video, either to show the birth mom or to put on our profile if we are once again disrupted. Basically we shoot a bunch of footage of us being us and then the agency makes it into a 3 minute video. It is pretty strange since I don't really consider us all that super excited. "Here is us reading books," "here is us at the park." We have the camera until the beginning of April, so I'm trying to plot fun things to film. We have an Easter Egg Hunt coming up at work. And Squirt will start swim lessons the first weekend in April. I just saw on tv that there is a Dinosaur Train event (with a special appearance by Buddy) next weekend, so I might have to drag the family on a road trip for that! The Hubby is going out of town this week for work, so I'm making him take the camera too. I know WHY they are having families make these videos, but honestly, I just feel so uncomfortable on film!
I mentioned work in the above paragraph... I've started working a few days a week at a Mothers Day Out program. It is nice to get out of the house, and make a little money, plus I get to take Squirt with me. I'm a teacher in the 2 & 3 year old classroom. Love the kids! And my co-workers! Very thankful for this opportunity.
When we aren't working, Squishy and I have started house hunting. So exciting and scary! Are we really grown-up enough to buy a house?!? Thanks to pinterest (and basically renting for the last 13 years), I am soooo excited to paint, plant a garden, decorate. We found a couple that we are really interested in, and go back out there tomorrow. Sunny & Squishy: Homeowners. EEK!
Alright, time to get off the computer and clean up the house a bit. I'm hosting our MOPS steering committee meeting this morning. Which means I could have an extra 5 kids and 5 adults coming over in a couple of hours.
Love to you all!
For those that haven't heard, we have been matched again. Please don't make a big deal out of it, since we are keeping it on the down-low. We made such a big deal out of Zac and that got our hearts broken, so this time, we are just trying to go on with our lives. Once bitten, twice shy. If this placement is successful, we will have a whole lifetime to get excited and celebrate.
Meanwhile, we have been in contact with an adoption support group here in town. They meet monthly during the school year and have speakers/panels about various topics. I was able to meet one-on-one with the woman who is organizing the group and I am very thankful and excited to have connect with them. Our first meeting will be in April, when we get to hear from adults that have been adopted. It sounds like the group is a good mix of people who have adopted and who are thinking about and/or trying to adopt, like us. There is also a good mix of foster to adoptions, international, domestic, and private adoptions. I think that long term, it will be really important for us as a family to have connections with other families with adoption experience to help us through some of the unique challenges.
Currently, we have a video camera from the agency that we are using to make a video for our profile. Even though we have been matched again, we were encouraged to still move forward with the video, either to show the birth mom or to put on our profile if we are once again disrupted. Basically we shoot a bunch of footage of us being us and then the agency makes it into a 3 minute video. It is pretty strange since I don't really consider us all that super excited. "Here is us reading books," "here is us at the park." We have the camera until the beginning of April, so I'm trying to plot fun things to film. We have an Easter Egg Hunt coming up at work. And Squirt will start swim lessons the first weekend in April. I just saw on tv that there is a Dinosaur Train event (with a special appearance by Buddy) next weekend, so I might have to drag the family on a road trip for that! The Hubby is going out of town this week for work, so I'm making him take the camera too. I know WHY they are having families make these videos, but honestly, I just feel so uncomfortable on film!
I mentioned work in the above paragraph... I've started working a few days a week at a Mothers Day Out program. It is nice to get out of the house, and make a little money, plus I get to take Squirt with me. I'm a teacher in the 2 & 3 year old classroom. Love the kids! And my co-workers! Very thankful for this opportunity.
When we aren't working, Squishy and I have started house hunting. So exciting and scary! Are we really grown-up enough to buy a house?!? Thanks to pinterest (and basically renting for the last 13 years), I am soooo excited to paint, plant a garden, decorate. We found a couple that we are really interested in, and go back out there tomorrow. Sunny & Squishy: Homeowners. EEK!
Alright, time to get off the computer and clean up the house a bit. I'm hosting our MOPS steering committee meeting this morning. Which means I could have an extra 5 kids and 5 adults coming over in a couple of hours.
Love to you all!
Monday, March 19, 2012
Monday
Sorry that it has been a little while. I've been living a lot "in my head" the past few weeks.
I am trying to move forward, but still feeling so betrayed. I'm trying to balance wanting what is best for Zac with being oh-so-angry at his birth parents. And I'm trying to come to peace with what has happened and what we have lost.
I want to close my eyes and forget that any of this ever happened, just wipe the slate clean. But I also want to remember every second and detail of loving that little baby.
Mostly, I'm just trying to stay busy so that it doesn't hurt.
I am trying to move forward, but still feeling so betrayed. I'm trying to balance wanting what is best for Zac with being oh-so-angry at his birth parents. And I'm trying to come to peace with what has happened and what we have lost.
I want to close my eyes and forget that any of this ever happened, just wipe the slate clean. But I also want to remember every second and detail of loving that little baby.
Mostly, I'm just trying to stay busy so that it doesn't hurt.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Tattoo
I knew early in the adoption process that I was going to get a tattoo for our second kiddo. I have a turtle with his name and birth date for Squirt, so it made sense to get one for baby #2. Since we took to calling our adoption dream "Spud," I imagined a Mr. (or Mrs.) Potato Head.
I can't tell you how many times between November 3 when we got the call until January 4 when I put him back in his father's arms I pictured where I would put the Mr. Potato Head and "Zachary John" and what font. When he was born on Christmas, I thought it would be cute to do a Santa hat.
But when we gave him back, that tattoo no longer seemed right. He wasn't our Spud. Still a hard pill to swallow. Trying to figure out how to move on with the dream of Spud, our adopted child, and still honor this baby boy who was completely loved and perfect.
Squishy and I decided pretty quickly that we still wanted to get tats for our second son. A few weeks ago, he got kind of a gingerbread boy outline and the name Zac.
It has taken me a little bit longer to get mine though. Part of it is trying to find the time, and part of it is that tattoos hurt dang it. But the real reason is that I think I was still holding out hope that maybe, just maybe, they will call and say "it was a mistake, he really is yours." Or maybe, just maybe, I'd wake up and he'd be sleeping next to me and this would have all been a bad dream. But, once again, I have to face the fact that he isn't coming back.
And so tonight, I worked up the courage and got my tattoo. It is simple and small, but a reminder that for a brief and shining moment, I was a mommy of 2. And it carries the hope that I will be again. The dream of Spud 2.0 lives on.
Meanwhile, this evening my college BFF and my grad school BFF both gave birth to baby boy's. They have never met, though I think they would get along smashingly, and were both due on the same day next week. This is baby #2 for both of them. Congratulations my loves! And give those babies lots of kisses from me!
***
It is going to hurt for a long time. My heart will never completely heal; there will always be a Zac shaped hole. But it will be okay.
I can't tell you how many times between November 3 when we got the call until January 4 when I put him back in his father's arms I pictured where I would put the Mr. Potato Head and "Zachary John" and what font. When he was born on Christmas, I thought it would be cute to do a Santa hat.
But when we gave him back, that tattoo no longer seemed right. He wasn't our Spud. Still a hard pill to swallow. Trying to figure out how to move on with the dream of Spud, our adopted child, and still honor this baby boy who was completely loved and perfect.
Squishy and I decided pretty quickly that we still wanted to get tats for our second son. A few weeks ago, he got kind of a gingerbread boy outline and the name Zac.
It has taken me a little bit longer to get mine though. Part of it is trying to find the time, and part of it is that tattoos hurt dang it. But the real reason is that I think I was still holding out hope that maybe, just maybe, they will call and say "it was a mistake, he really is yours." Or maybe, just maybe, I'd wake up and he'd be sleeping next to me and this would have all been a bad dream. But, once again, I have to face the fact that he isn't coming back.
And so tonight, I worked up the courage and got my tattoo. It is simple and small, but a reminder that for a brief and shining moment, I was a mommy of 2. And it carries the hope that I will be again. The dream of Spud 2.0 lives on.
Meanwhile, this evening my college BFF and my grad school BFF both gave birth to baby boy's. They have never met, though I think they would get along smashingly, and were both due on the same day next week. This is baby #2 for both of them. Congratulations my loves! And give those babies lots of kisses from me!
***
It is going to hurt for a long time. My heart will never completely heal; there will always be a Zac shaped hole. But it will be okay.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Apology
Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. I think I got kind of bored with the 30 day challenge. Somehow "bullet point your day" just doesn't inspire me. I think the creators should have started out with those topics before going into "tell us about the time you wanted to take your own life." My music preferences just seem kind of lame after talking about my first love.
The last few days have been internally interesting.
I've been watching the tv show "Ruby" on Netflix, and am just about done with the third season. Have you seen this show? It airs on the Style Network and is about a woman on a weight loss journey. She started at over 700 pounds and it deals with her eating disorder. I have long accepted that I have an eating disorder, and have made feeble attempts at working on it. I am a compulsive binge eater, which is an addiction, just like drugs or alcohol. The difference is, I can't abstain from food the way an alcoholic or drug addict can from their drug. I am also a co-dependent. There are many 12 step programs available, but it is very difficult to get "sober," since right now eating comforts me. It is a very sick cycle and one that I worry will eventually have a devastating impact on my health and lifestyle. So the last week or so, I have been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching on that topic.
Another thing that has been on my mind is how people deal with grief. Yesterday, Squishy volunteered at an event here in town. I didn't really know anything about the event or the organization sponsoring it, just that it was some sort of activity for kids with special needs. Squishy called a few minutes after arriving to tell me that the founder of the organization had personally invited Squirt and I to come attend. I was pretty hesitant at first (have I mentioned in this blog that I HATE NEW SITUATIONS AND THE UNKNOWN?), but I am so very thankful that I went.
Basically, the founder of the organization lost his son several years ago at the age of 6. Throughout his short life, the boy had been very sick and the family had struggled financially, as many families with medically fragile children do. So now, each year around his birthday, they basically through a birthday party/fundraiser. The birthday party element includes bowling, video games, mini golf and such for kids, both with special needs and without. The fundraiser part raises money to be distributed to other families that need help with children. How amazing is that? To turn a difficult thing like losing your child into not only a celebration for other kids but also a way to give back to others left me truly in awe.
The last few days have been internally interesting.
I've been watching the tv show "Ruby" on Netflix, and am just about done with the third season. Have you seen this show? It airs on the Style Network and is about a woman on a weight loss journey. She started at over 700 pounds and it deals with her eating disorder. I have long accepted that I have an eating disorder, and have made feeble attempts at working on it. I am a compulsive binge eater, which is an addiction, just like drugs or alcohol. The difference is, I can't abstain from food the way an alcoholic or drug addict can from their drug. I am also a co-dependent. There are many 12 step programs available, but it is very difficult to get "sober," since right now eating comforts me. It is a very sick cycle and one that I worry will eventually have a devastating impact on my health and lifestyle. So the last week or so, I have been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching on that topic.
Another thing that has been on my mind is how people deal with grief. Yesterday, Squishy volunteered at an event here in town. I didn't really know anything about the event or the organization sponsoring it, just that it was some sort of activity for kids with special needs. Squishy called a few minutes after arriving to tell me that the founder of the organization had personally invited Squirt and I to come attend. I was pretty hesitant at first (have I mentioned in this blog that I HATE NEW SITUATIONS AND THE UNKNOWN?), but I am so very thankful that I went.
Basically, the founder of the organization lost his son several years ago at the age of 6. Throughout his short life, the boy had been very sick and the family had struggled financially, as many families with medically fragile children do. So now, each year around his birthday, they basically through a birthday party/fundraiser. The birthday party element includes bowling, video games, mini golf and such for kids, both with special needs and without. The fundraiser part raises money to be distributed to other families that need help with children. How amazing is that? To turn a difficult thing like losing your child into not only a celebration for other kids but also a way to give back to others left me truly in awe.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Day 11: Music Shuffle
10 Random Songs from my music player
Tim McGraw "I Like It, I Love It."
I love country music and Tim is just such a favorite in the genre. I saw him in concert my senior (?) year of college and dang he put on a good show. I love the album "Tim McGraw and the Dance Hall Doctors."
Taylor Swift "Love Story"
I am super duper jealous of Taylor Swift. Pretty, talented, famous. This one isn't one of my favorites of her's, but it is cute enough. A lot of her music though cuts right to my heart, especially "Back to December."
John Mellencamp "Check It Out"
Being a midwestern girl, Mellencamp is a must for any playlist. This song holds more meaning to me as I get older, but it also brings back memories of home... it was the theme song for one of the local tv station's morning news program.
Van Halen "Jump"
This a catchy song, but my favorite of theirs is "Right Now." I'm glad that they are touring again, and I would love to see them. I know I am in the minority with this, but I am more Team Sammy.
Huey Lewis & The News "Back in Time"
If you grew up in the 80's, how can you not love Huey Lewis? This one is kind of cheeseball, but so are the Back to the Future movies, so it is all good. When Squishy and I were first dating, we talked about Huey Lewis and he brought over his cassette tapes. I don't think they've been moved from my music collection ever since. I think "Happy to be stuck with you" is a fitting song for our relationship.
3 Doors Down "Here Without You"
Awww, it is bittersweet that this one came up on my list. After we had been dating for a month, the Air Force sent Squishy away to Las Vegas for a month (I know, right, poor baby). It was weird to be away from him for that long, but it was such a blessing for our relationship. We became friends, since all we had was the phone, and it prepared us for deployments. During that month, this became our song.
Beach Boys "California Girls"
I lived in San Diego from about 2 1/2 to 7, thanks to my step-dad's military service. This song reminds me of that time and especially of my sister, K Liz, who was born there. If you don't love the Beach Boys, or at least appreciate them for the feel-good tunes, you should probably reconsider your friendship with me. My fave is def the uber silly "Kokomo."
Phil Collins "You'll be in my heart"
Yes, I love Phil Collins. Surprisingly, I'm not really a big Disney girl. This song, however, MAKES ME CRY... EVERYTIME! Especially now after everything with Zac. Oy! Okay, moving on.
Moody Blues "Nights in White Satin"
Oh the Moodies! When I was a kid on road trips I would have my mom put in her Moody Blues tape because it made me fall asleep. In college, I finally gave them a chance and FELL IN LOVE. Wow! We've seen them in concert together twice. Amazing how good music endures... the stories are still as relevant today as they were in the 60's.
Shakira "Hips Don't Lie"
I am a completely horrible dancer, yet that has never stopped me. The right song and I'm dancing all over the place.
Tim McGraw "I Like It, I Love It."
I love country music and Tim is just such a favorite in the genre. I saw him in concert my senior (?) year of college and dang he put on a good show. I love the album "Tim McGraw and the Dance Hall Doctors."
Taylor Swift "Love Story"
I am super duper jealous of Taylor Swift. Pretty, talented, famous. This one isn't one of my favorites of her's, but it is cute enough. A lot of her music though cuts right to my heart, especially "Back to December."
John Mellencamp "Check It Out"
Being a midwestern girl, Mellencamp is a must for any playlist. This song holds more meaning to me as I get older, but it also brings back memories of home... it was the theme song for one of the local tv station's morning news program.
Van Halen "Jump"
This a catchy song, but my favorite of theirs is "Right Now." I'm glad that they are touring again, and I would love to see them. I know I am in the minority with this, but I am more Team Sammy.
Huey Lewis & The News "Back in Time"
If you grew up in the 80's, how can you not love Huey Lewis? This one is kind of cheeseball, but so are the Back to the Future movies, so it is all good. When Squishy and I were first dating, we talked about Huey Lewis and he brought over his cassette tapes. I don't think they've been moved from my music collection ever since. I think "Happy to be stuck with you" is a fitting song for our relationship.
3 Doors Down "Here Without You"
Awww, it is bittersweet that this one came up on my list. After we had been dating for a month, the Air Force sent Squishy away to Las Vegas for a month (I know, right, poor baby). It was weird to be away from him for that long, but it was such a blessing for our relationship. We became friends, since all we had was the phone, and it prepared us for deployments. During that month, this became our song.
Beach Boys "California Girls"
I lived in San Diego from about 2 1/2 to 7, thanks to my step-dad's military service. This song reminds me of that time and especially of my sister, K Liz, who was born there. If you don't love the Beach Boys, or at least appreciate them for the feel-good tunes, you should probably reconsider your friendship with me. My fave is def the uber silly "Kokomo."
Phil Collins "You'll be in my heart"
Yes, I love Phil Collins. Surprisingly, I'm not really a big Disney girl. This song, however, MAKES ME CRY... EVERYTIME! Especially now after everything with Zac. Oy! Okay, moving on.
Moody Blues "Nights in White Satin"
Oh the Moodies! When I was a kid on road trips I would have my mom put in her Moody Blues tape because it made me fall asleep. In college, I finally gave them a chance and FELL IN LOVE. Wow! We've seen them in concert together twice. Amazing how good music endures... the stories are still as relevant today as they were in the 60's.
Shakira "Hips Don't Lie"
I am a completely horrible dancer, yet that has never stopped me. The right song and I'm dancing all over the place.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Day 10: First Love and First Kiss
When I saw that this was going to be one of the topics for blogging, I kind of cringed.
First of all, my first kiss was at the age of 17 and totally lame (though at the time I felt on top of the world). I'd prefer to leave that memory buried deep in the recesses of my brain, if you don't mind.
Now, first love. This is a little tougher. What counts? The first time I thought I was in love? The first time I told a boy I loved him? The first time I told a boy and he told me back? Or the first time I was really truly in love?
The first time I thought I was in love I was probably a whole hot 13 years old. I've always really been kind of boy crazy and had bunches of crushes. My journals from my pre-teen and teen years were filled with "xoxo" and dreams of story-book romance. Yet, I didn't actually date until I was out of high school.
I don't know who I first confessed my love to, but I have the icky-feeling-in-my-stomach assumption that it was this boy I was obsessed with throughout high school. God bless his soul, he is one of my dearest friends now and he and his wife (whom I've also known forever) are one of those amazing couples that were just made for each other.
I dated several guys between high school and meeting Squishy that I think I probably thought I loved, and maybe even said as much. Looking back, I think it was more that I wanted them to fall in love with me. All I really imagined about love was that it was about sunshine and happiness, having a partner. I didn't really think about how loving someone means accepting that sometimes it is going to suck.
Squishy and I have been married almost 8 years now and in that time, I have come to realize that love is not a stagnate thing. When you say "I love you," it more means, "I love you now and I want to keep falling in love with you every day forever and ever." The more I learn about Squishy and see him in action, the more experiences (good and bad) that we share together, the more I fall in love with him. The more I see that I couldn't be me without him. And I realize that I have never felt this way, this "love" thing with anyone else.
First of all, my first kiss was at the age of 17 and totally lame (though at the time I felt on top of the world). I'd prefer to leave that memory buried deep in the recesses of my brain, if you don't mind.
Now, first love. This is a little tougher. What counts? The first time I thought I was in love? The first time I told a boy I loved him? The first time I told a boy and he told me back? Or the first time I was really truly in love?
The first time I thought I was in love I was probably a whole hot 13 years old. I've always really been kind of boy crazy and had bunches of crushes. My journals from my pre-teen and teen years were filled with "xoxo" and dreams of story-book romance. Yet, I didn't actually date until I was out of high school.
I don't know who I first confessed my love to, but I have the icky-feeling-in-my-stomach assumption that it was this boy I was obsessed with throughout high school. God bless his soul, he is one of my dearest friends now and he and his wife (whom I've also known forever) are one of those amazing couples that were just made for each other.
I dated several guys between high school and meeting Squishy that I think I probably thought I loved, and maybe even said as much. Looking back, I think it was more that I wanted them to fall in love with me. All I really imagined about love was that it was about sunshine and happiness, having a partner. I didn't really think about how loving someone means accepting that sometimes it is going to suck.
Squishy and I have been married almost 8 years now and in that time, I have come to realize that love is not a stagnate thing. When you say "I love you," it more means, "I love you now and I want to keep falling in love with you every day forever and ever." The more I learn about Squishy and see him in action, the more experiences (good and bad) that we share together, the more I fall in love with him. The more I see that I couldn't be me without him. And I realize that I have never felt this way, this "love" thing with anyone else.
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