Differences

Yesterday our homestudy finally arrived in the mail and I rushed off to the UPS store to get it to Kansas as soon as possible. (FYI: For $34 it will be at their offices by 1030 Tuesday morning) I was ecstatic and excited and super giddy. I wanted to tell the world; to mark this milestone, but there really wasn't anyone I could think of.

It made me think about the differences between the pregnancy process and the adoption process. I remember when I was pregnant with Squirt, I told EVERYONE (even folks who could care less) about the updates after every doctors appointment. My mom and mother-in-law received numerous texts and emails about babies heartrate and size and all the other fun tidbits. Every ultrasound picture was admired in great detail.

For those of you that have been pregnant more than once, I'm sure you could tell me that the ones that follow aren't quite as aww-inspiring since you've "been there, done that," and are exhausted by the ones already at home. I've noticed even on facebook the dramatic differences in pregnancy related status updates between the first-time parents and the veterans. It isn't that the first one is loved any more or more special, it just has a newness factor.

So while I admit that if I was pregnant right now, Spud probably wouldn't be getting the attention that Squirt got, I still feel a bit sad for Spud... like he (still tend to say "he," even though we would love a little girl) is getting the short end of the stick.

It is extremely hard not knowing when Spud will join our family. I try really hard to remind myself that there is a chance this might not work out, while still trying to prepare and believe. One of my dearest friends had her first kiddo a little before I had Squirt. Then she got pregnant again and had a miscarriage. She is once again pregnant and recently blogged about how she is trying to balance the excitement and joy of welcoming another kiddo into the world, while still wrestling with the knowledge and grief that sometimes things go wrong.

There have been thousands of moments along this journey that have kind of stung. I know that people don't do it on purpose and yet, I feel like I don't know how to handle the emotions. Just the other day I was talking to a friend of a friend about future plans. I said something along the lines of, "and with another one on the way..." to which she got all excited, "I didn't know you were pregnant! When is the baby due?" And once again I had to explain to someone that I'm not pregnant, that we are adopting, that the baby could end up being 18 months old and that he or she could be here next month or never. I'm not ashamed because I know that this is the right decision for our family, but it is still exhausting explaining it over and over and Over and OVER again to people.

I haven't found the right balance of answering their questions without feeling like I have to tell my whole life story. I really just want to print out business cards with this blog address and say "here you go. If you really want to know, find out here. If you were just trying to make conversation, you are off the hook."

I am trying really hard to just be in a zen place about the whole adoption. Having faith that Spud will find us when the time is right. Until then, I am trying really to focus on the home and family that are here now. As I posted earlier, I've been busy with the daycare. That is extra income for our family and a distraction from the worry and wondering. And honestly, it leaves me so exhausted that I feel it is good prep for when another kiddo joins the crew.

Friday I discovered The Fly Lady website (if I can figure out how to add links and stuff, I will) which is all about home management. It has simple steps for getting your house under control and then keeping it that way. The goal is to keep it clean and feel proud and learn to Finally Love Yourself.

I've mentioned before that I really think a key to success for me being a stay at home parent is to have things organized and under control. I'm slowly getting the meal thing down and organized. Next on the list is getting the house cleaning managed.

I will never be Super Mom who has everything perfected. As much as I would like to look like a movie star, serve my family gourmet meals, and have a house that you could feature in magazines... it won't happen. I'm learning to be okay with that. For example, I quit weight watchers and dieting. I'm a big girl and while I would love to be skinny, my real goal is to be healthy & happy. A number on the scale can't measure those things. I'm less tempted to eat ice cream if it doesn't feel off-limits. And water tastes better when I drink it to quench my thirst, rather than to reach a certain goal. I'm more proud of my workouts when I feel proud of myself for doing them and not guilty over whether it was perfect.

My goal right now is to have a clean home that feels comfortable. I want to serve my family food that is yummy and enjoy conversations around the dinner table. Some nights that means serving a frozen pizza, but we all like it and it is cheaper & healthier than eating out.

I've decided to give up on anything with the word "extreme" in it. For example, the shows and articles about extreme couponing and a family of twenty people living on $1 a day. Sure, it can be done, but at what emotional and time consuming cost? I like to clip coupons and am the consumer that the manufactures love... a coupon might just get me to pick up the name brand over the generic and try something new. In the end am I saving tons on my grocery bill? Nope, but again, I'm okay with that. Instead, I'm extremely proud that I am planning meals and going to the grocery store, rather than eating out. And *gasp* I am COOKING rather than just relying on boxed and frozen meals. Confession: for a long time, I really gave myself credit for cooking when I prepared a box of hamburger helper and opened a can of green beans. Turns out, there are a lot of things you can make in that same amount of time that are actually cheaper and a lot less processed.

Squirt & Spud, if you ever read these blog entries,  I want you to know that you don't have to be perfect... not for me or anyone else. I think the hardest thing to learn is that you shouldn't have to be perfect for yourself either. Do your best, enjoy life, and don't worry about reaching some unattainable standard.