Nesting

Squirt was born 5 weeks early, so I never really hit the nesting phase with him. My bff, J, who was my labor coach since Squishy was supposed to be in Iraq, used to freak out every time I mentioned I had cleaned something (confession: I kinda sorta hate housecleaning. While my house is never filthy, it is never going to be one of those super clean homes).

With the timeline for Spud being so up in the air, I find myself in this constant state of preparation. Between the usual work required for my family, which I'll get to in a minute, I've got the compulsive urge to purge and straighten and organize. I am convinced that if I can just get everything simplified, I will have a much better time keeping up when I suddenly have a new baby.

Things were a bit easier when it was just Squishy and I. We both worked, so it seemed natural to split the workload. We ate out quite a bit, since we had the money and no real motivation to be healthy. There was less laundry, less dishes, and less clutter (kids have A LOT of stuff).

I thought that when I quit my job to do the stay at home mom thing, I would have plenty of time to get everything done. Heck, I had all day, right? WRONG! Being a stay at home parent is a study in time management, and I constantly feel like I'm failing. For those of you with kiddos, I'm sure you can agree that trying to get ANYTHING done with a toddler around is about near impossible. And if you do manage to get something done, it takes about 3 times as long. And don't even get me started on the whole "keep them occupied in one room, while you clean another room" thing... all that results in is one room that is mostly clean and another room that is destroyed. Plus, being home all day equals just more clutter.

Because I don't "work" I feel this responsibility to take on a larger portion of the chores. But between planning, shopping for, cooking, serving, and cleaning up after 3 meals a day; an endless pile of laundry (Squishy goes through 3 outfits a day... workout clothes, uniform, civilian clothes); and keeping everything in order for the daycare... I am EXHAUSTED!

I try really hard to get the house in order every night before bed, with the hopes that I can get up and work out in the morning. But it seems that each morning the alarm goes off and I'm confronted with dishes in the sink or a floor to sweep. It never ends.

While I really love being with Squirt all day and I know that it is a benefit for him, part of me sometimes feels like I'm not doing enough. I had started on my EdD, but after 4 classes, I stopped, feeling overwhelmed and wondering if I was spending all the money/time for nothing. I need a hobby.

Being the forever student that I am, I have started looking at websites/books with tips/tricks on organization and cleaning. I can't be the only one that is burdened by this problem and there has to be a solution.

***
Meanwhile, on the Spud front, we had a bit of a nervous moment last week. I have depression; it is under control and in all honesty, I think because I'm on meds/know when to get myself to a therapist/have purposely learned how to handle life stress, I'm more well-balanced then most people. I generally try to be a happy and upbeat person, I count my blessings, and I recognize that life challenges are just that: challenges, not the end of the world.

Anywho, we got an e-mail from the social worker about our homestudy that she needed more info about my depression, including a letter from my shrink saying I could handle another kiddo and a message from Squishy about how he feels about my depression/whether he notices the signs/what he does to help.

I freaked out a little. Would we fail our homestudy and not be able to adopt because I have depression? I let myself worry a little bit and then I reminded myself of what my therapist always tells me, "worry is a wasted emotion." If something is going to happen, it is going to occur whether you stress out or not. Far better to just wait until it does happen and deal with it then. So I told Squishy that if we were denied, we were going to take the money we have saved for Spud and go on a 30 day cruise of the south pacific.

A few days later my therapist called and said she had no problem writing the note. "If anyone can handle another child, it is you." Aww. I really like my therapist and if I hadn't met her for counseling, I think she and I would be very good friends.

So she sent the e-mail to the social worker who sent us the rough draft of our approved home study. We made a few changes (just spelling stuff mostly) and e-mailed it back late Thursday night. On Friday we heard back that she would be sending the approved homestudy to our agency probably this coming Tuesday. It will take them a few days to process, then we will mail them the check and contract, and then we will be active. Mid-August, just as I had planned!

***
With my nesting and all the questions about Spud (boy or girl? what age? when?), I'm trying to figure out what we will need and when.

We plan to co-sleep for the first few months, or at least have Spud in our room in a pack 'n play. We haven't decided if the kiddos will share a room or not. If they do, we will buy Squirt a twin bed and make his current bed back into Spud's crib. If they aren't sharing a room, Squirt will move into our now guest room with the full sized bed and Spud will stay in the nursery. We've got both an infant car seat and an extra convertible car seat, so we are set on that front. We've got plenty of clothes for any size, we will just need to sell the boy stuff for more girly stuff if Spud ends up being a Zoe, rather than a Zac. Depending on age, we will need bottles. We've got cloth diapers that I used briefly for Squirt. We still have the playmat, the bumbo, boppy, and bathtub from Squirt. We have a double stroller and a regular stroller. We've got books and toys. Is there anything else that you can think of that we *need* if Spud is a newborn? an 18 month old? a girl? a boy?

***
Okay, back to my nesting. Trying to get the house cleaned up for another week of daycare. Plus, we leave on vacation Thursday afternoon/Friday morning, so I need to start gathering everything for that.

Thanks for letting me verbally vomit at you. Hope you all are well.