25 Hours

Really nothing new to report, except that our homestudy is in 25 hours! I have the nervous butterflies in my stomach. After tomorrow night, this whole process is pretty much out of my hands, which is hard, since I'm a major control freak. I almost feel numb right now. I am so nervous and excited. Part of me just wants to go to bed and wake up when it is over. I *KNOW* it will be okay, but I really think that next step is freakin' me out.

I told the hubby last night that this part reminds me of all the ovulation tests we tooks and trying to get pregnant a few years ago. Now we are just waiting for a positive test result.

Exhaustion

The last few days have been pretty crazy around here. Yesterday morning Squirt had surgery (tubes in his ears/adenoids removed). He pulled through like a trooper. After we got home, gave him some breakfast, and let him take a nap on the couch he was acting as if nothing had happened.

Last night we got a surprising adoption related phone call that has kind of left my mind spinning. A family member offered to get pregnant so that we could adopt her child. My first reaction is just pure and total shock. We had joked about it, but never really expected her to seriously consider it. Next, I am completely flattered that someone would love us and think that we are qualified enough parents to do that. After that, my mind just collapses into a bunch of unfinished thoughts and questions.

This morning from midnight to 3am, Squirt decided that hanging out with Squishy and I was all that he wanted. Unfortunately, we wanted to sleep. As all you parents know, we lost the sleep battle, since it is hard to catch zzz's when you are wondering what your 2 year old is up to.

Today all three of us met with our doctors to get paperwork filled out confirming that we have average life expectancies and can in fact raise another kiddo.

Came home from that and spent the afternoon filling out more forms (I swear they multiply while sitting on my desk) and making photo copies. Tomorrow it is off to the vet to pick up our pup's shot records; photocopy a giant stack of the above mentioned paperwork and get it mailed off to the agency. This is part of the home study review process.

Less than 48 hours until the social worker comes!!! Spent a bit of time today organizing and cleaning. On Thursday I will do a final mop and sweep of the floors and scrubbing of the toilets.

I'm so nervous for the home study, even though I am completely confident that it will go well. I don't say that to sound cocky, but rather because I really trust that Squishy and I are good people and that our home is a safe, nurturing, loving place for a child. Yet, I'm still nervous about how to prepare. What should I wear? Usually the moment my day is over, I change into my pj's. I'm thinking maybe just jeans and a nice top, and I don't know, maybe actually take down my "mom" ponytail and slap some make-up on. I'm also trying to figure out food for that evening. The social worker gets here at 5; we usually eat at 5:30. Do I invite her to join us? I just don't know the proper home study etiquette.

Back from vacation!

Squishy, Squirt, and I have just returned home from an awesomely relaxing vacation with my parents and grandparents. We also got to spend some time with my sis and her clan.

We got another proof of our adoption profile and took some more pictures, but didn't really do anything "productive" on that front.

We did spend A LOT of time talking about Spud. We have a trip to Squishy's hometown planned in August to attend a cousin's wedding and sister's baby shower, and to celebrate Squirt's second birthday. Beyond that, the next time we travel as a family will probably be to pick up Spud!!! Good thing that we just purchased a mini-van to comfortably hold us all.

Also on this vacation, Squirt made a lot of advancements. When we left he could point to his nose and eyes. Now he knows ears, forehead, teeth, tongue, cheeks, chin, and toes. He is starting to recognize numbers (like if there are several numbers, you can ask him to point to the two, and he will). He also continued to improve on his swimming and showed us that he is fearless (I barely let him leave the room without his swim floaty on). New words include "bird" and "cheese." Thanks to some awesome Sesame Street books he got a lot of practice with colors and shapes, and can now identify "Abby" "Elmo" and "Big Bird."

I have observed that it takes him getting away from home and out of his routine a bit to really display his new skills and abilities. Has anyone else noticed this with their kid?

Oh! I'll have to find a way to post it here, but Squishy got an awesome video of Squirt demonstrating his OCD. The boys went to the park, where a bunch of girls were drawing with chalk, which they left scattered all over. Squirt took it upon himself to line it all up. It's really cute how organized my 2 year old can be, but also kind of intimidating. Any other kiddos have the same issue?

While we were gone, we were mailed some more paperwork to complete and mail for our FBI background checks. It feels like the paperwork never ends! Advice: if you ever decide to adopt, consider the paperwork equal to a part-time job; or hire an assistant!

This week (Thursday) is our home study!!!! The last piece of the puzzle that we can control. So exciting and scary at the same time. Time to get off the computer and work on grocery shopping and getting back into a "routine."

Want to feel like a completely unequipped parent?

... then try adopting a child!

Oy! Some days I just get so overwhelmed by the amount of paperwork that goes into the home study portion of this process.

I just finished yet another form, for which I had to track down addresses/job history/educational history/military history/medical history stuff for both Squishy and I for the last 10+ years. Brain overload!

Earlier today we went and got photographed and fingerprinted for our FBI background checks.

The good news is I am down to just 4 items on my home study to-do list: shot records for the dog, photos of the house, copy of our latest tax return, and medical appointments for all of us. EXHAUSTING!

I think in light of the Casey Anthony verdict the other day, I'm a bit of an exposed nerve when it comes to parenting. I start to tear up every time I think of that little girl. Whether her death was an accident that they tried to cover up or whether she was murdered, I think all of us can agree that it was the result of poor parenting. The sad part is, even if everyone had to go through the whole home study process before bringing home a kiddo, bad stuff will still happen.

I've seen plenty of people that probably don't look great on paper as parents, either for health or financial reasons or whatever, that love and protect their kids in a way that I completely admire. Then there are other people who have all the money in the world and can check all the boxes for "what a kid needs," but that are still really crappy parents.

One more update for today...

Last week we finished submitting all the photos and essays to our agency so that they could create our profile for birth mom's to see. We were told it would be 10 business days until we saw a draft, so we were expecting to see something next week. Tonight we got a surprise though: our rough draft of our profile!

Ohmygosh! It is just so exciting and scary to see our pictures and words brought to life, knowing that this is what our next kiddo's birth mom is going to use to select us.

Our adoption specialist really only had two suggestions for us, one being a small word change, and the other that we only use photos of Squirt as a toddler, rather than as a baby, so that birth mom's don't think we have a super little one at home already. Squishy and I spent some time looking through photos and e-mailed back some changes. We will keep going back and forth like this... them sending us a draft with suggestions, us making changes... until we are all confident that we are presenting our best selves.

The agency uses our profiles in 2 ways. First, all active families are featured on their website so that if a pregnant woman visits their website they can see potential families. They also send birth mom's hard copies of profiles for families that match their desires. For example, if a birth mom wants her child raised in California, on a farm, by a family that already has kids, the agency does a search and only sends her profiles of families that match. While each profile is going to be unique as far as images and essays go, the agency uses a standard 4 page booklet format. This makes it easier for a birth mom to compare and contrast and eliminates a birth mom judging a family based on whose profile is more elaborate.

Over the next few months, we will probably have our camera with us wherever we go so that the agency can continually keep our photos up to date, especially the ones of Squirt. So if you see us out and about doing something fun or looking cute, please help us out and snap a few pics. Please & thank you!

FAQ on Adopting

After having two awkward conversations with complete strangers yesterday during Squirt's doctors appointment about adoption, I asked Squishy if he ever had to deal with random questions. In yet another example of "how men & women are different" he couldn't even recall the last conversation he'd had about adoption with someone other than a family member. I may be overgeneralizing here, but it seems that women are just a bit more curious about other people's lives and ask more detailed question. I totally understand the questions, since I myself am often guilty of being too interested in other folks businesses. In an attempt to be a bit proactive, here are some commonly asked questions about our adoption. I will try to go back and add to this post as I think of stuff, but in the meantime, please feel free to ask a question in the comments section, and I will do my best to answer it.

OH! Before we get too far into this whole blogging thing, I need to add a major disclaimer: The stories here are just my experiences. Every adoptive family is different and has a unique story. There are bunches of ways to adopt and I am in no way an expert on anything.

Question: Is Squirt adopted?
Answer: Nope.

Question: So then why adopt?
Answer: While dating and in the early parts of our marriage, Squishy and I always debated the number of kiddos we wanted. He said two, I said three. We were young and naive and like most people just assumed that pregnancy and kiddos would come to us easily and that we were somehow in control of the number. After a few years of trying, we got pregnant with Squirt and right from the beginning it was an emotional roller coaster. Some of the highlights: gestational diabetes & insulin, a week in the hospital on bed rest, and little man arriving 5 weeks early. The major blow though was when we learned that Squishy and I were both carriers for Cystic Fibrosis. After getting an amnio and waiting several long weeks, we were relieved to learn that Squirt is a carrier, but thankfully does not have the disease.

Around that time, we started to think about our family and our options. We could have another bio baby, but at the end, we decided the risks were too high. We thought about making Squirt just an only child, but the bottom line is our family just doesn't feel complete with one kiddo. And so we made the decision to adopt.

Question: What agency are you using?
Answer: We are working with American Adoptions in Kansas. When I started doing research about adoption, I was a bit overwhelmed by all of the different options. We knew that we wanted an open-adoption (more on that later), and this agency specializes in those. In addition, the real benefit for us is that they handle everything from designing our profile to advertising to birth mom's to coordinating with the lawyers. As emotionally draining as adoption can be, we wanted an agency that would hold our hand through all the steps, which they have. I will mention that if anyone reading this is looking for an agency, I HIGHLY recommend American Adoptions. When you first look at them, their costs may seem higher than other agencies, but if you look closely, you will see that it is because American Adoptions doesn't have any hidden fees. In addition, they allow you to set your own budget. Plus, if a birth mom does change her mind and a match falls through, your money is safe, which means you can try again when you are emotionally ready.

Question: Where are you at in the process?
Answer: We are just about ready to be "active." Our agency has a three step process to becoming active. The first is a detailed assessment of what we are looking for. This form took us awhile and resulted in some very honest conversations between Squishy and myself. We had to make decisions on what our budget would be, what race(s) of baby we would be willing to parent, and what type of social/medical history we were comfortable with the birth mom having.

The next step was the creation of our profile, which is what birth mom's will see. We had to write a letter to the birth parents, submit a bunch of photos, and answer several essay questions about our lifestyle and how we plan to raise our kiddos. Our profile is currently being created and sometime in the next week or so we will get a rough draft and suggestions for changes from our adoption specialist. We will make the necessary tweaks and then that step will be done.

And the final step to becoming active is the home study. For us, this has been the step that requires the most time/paperwork. It all concludes with a social worker coming to visit us in a few weeks. After the visit, she will *hopefully* compile a report letting the agency (and birth mom's) know that we are qualified to parent another child. Once that is done, we will be "active"... hopefully in mid-August.

Question: What happens after you are active?
Answer: We wait. The next step after that is being "matched" or picked by a birth mom. Sometimes this happens while the birth mom is still pregnant, sometimes it happens right after she has the baby, and other times it happens when the kiddo is a bit older. We said that we would take a child up age 18 months.

Question: How long will it take?
Answer: The average placement time for our agency is 1-9 months, so we are aiming for sometime between September and May.

Question: How much does it cost?
Answer: A LOT! The upfront costs include the home study, getting finger printed for our back ground checks, and activation fees with the agency. As I mentioned before, our agency let us set our budget, which is how much we can afford to pay for the birth mom's living expenses, medical stuff, and lawyers fees. How our agency works is that when a birth mom contacts them, they calculate her level of need and only show her profiles of families that can afford that particular set of circumstances. Once we are matched, our next big expense will be traveling to get Spud. If we are matched during a pregnancy, we will be called when she goes into labor and have 24 hours to get to her. Last minute travel for a family of three can be pricey, plus we could be out of town for a week or up to a month. Oy! Then depending on the birth mom's home state, we might need to travel back there to finalize the adoption a few months later.

Question: How are you paying for the adoption?
Answer: Right now, just with savings. Some of our friends have done fundraising to help off-set the cost and we have thought about this. Part of us thinks it is a good idea since we know so many of our friends & family love us and want to help. On the other hand, we feel a bit awkward asking for help with getting our next kiddo. Once our home study is completed, we will start the process of applying for grants and scholarships from various agencies. And once the adoption is complete, the military will reimburse some of our expenses and we will be eligible for a tax rebate from the feds.

Question: Why do you call the baby Spud?
Answer: The hubby's nickname is Squishy and I'm Sunny. During our pregnancy, we started calling the baby Squirt. When it came to picking a nickname for the next kiddo, an "S" name was needed. We went with Spud, illustrated by Mr (or Mrs) Potato Head. I like what the Potato Head's symbolize... the ability to change and be whomever you want to be. In addition, I absolutely LOVE Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head in the Toy Story movies.

Question: Why did you decide to adopt a black baby?
Answer: Our agency has two programs... a traditional program and an agency assisted program. We knew from the beginning that the color of our baby didn't really matter to us and our main priorities were getting a kiddo quickly, since we knew adoption can take a long time and we wanted our children close in age. The agency assisted program is also subsidized, meaning we are able to spend more on raising our child rather than on fees. A lot of my reason for starting this blog is to work through my feelings on a transracial adoption. The truth is, I'm not worried at all about what happens within the four walls of our home or with our close friends and family. I do worry about what happens outside of the security bubble and hope that I am able to raise Spud to feel comfortable in our family but also comfortable with his or her heritage. This is one of the big benefits to us of an open adoption.

Question: What do you mean by open adoption?
Answer: In short, we are open to Spud having a relationship with their biological family. We really do believe that it takes a village to raise a child and the more people that can love and support our kid, the more successful we feel he or she will be. In addition, we hope that by having an open adoption, Spud will understand that they were always loved and wanted, not "given up" by their birth mom. The level of openness will depend on the comfort of the birth mom and may change as the years go on. It might be as simple as us sending annual pictures and letters to the agency to forward to the birth mom, or it might result in phone calls and visits. Ideally, we would like the birth family to become part of our extended family.

Question: What can I do to help?
Answer: First, your support and positive energy means so much to us. Please also keep all the birth mom's out there in your thoughts. There is a very good chance that Spud has already been conceived, so we just hope he or she is getting good prenatal care. Next, if you find yourself with an abundance of money and want to send some our way, we will gladly take it. LOL! And finally, if in your daily life you come across a young woman who is pregnant and thinking about adoption, please encourage her to contact American Adoptions. We might not be the right family to raise her kiddo, but I'm sure there is a couple that would be honored to welcome her child into their family. She can call the agency and talk to someone 24 hours a day, without any kind of obligation.

Welcome!

As this blog continues, you will learn more (probably A LOT more than you want to know) about myself and my family. But for now, I just want to welcome you to my little corner of cyberspace and tell you a bit about why I am starting this blog.

My husband and I are in the final stages of becoming an "active" family with an adoption agency, with the hopes of adding a munchkin to our family within the next few months. We already have one adorable and energetic little guy.

In addition to the adoption, our lives are mostly defined by being a military family. The hubby (aka Squishy) just returned from his 4th tour overseas. Like most military families we are far from our blood families which creates some interesting dynamics.

With Squishy's seemingly never ending deployments, I made the decision to be a stay at home mom. Best job I have ever had, but also the hardest. For any of you who have done it, I know I am preaching to the choir when I talk about how exhausting it is. It also brings up feelings of losing myself and feeling like I'm not really contributing to my family financially. To counter those feelings, as you read this blog, I will from time to time talk about my at home daycare business and working on my doctorate in education.

Other topics that you will have to deal with me verbally vomiting about: weight loss, travel, and books.

I'm excited to get to share my life with you and to hopefully get to learn more about each of you in the process.

Thank you!