FAQ on Adopting

After having two awkward conversations with complete strangers yesterday during Squirt's doctors appointment about adoption, I asked Squishy if he ever had to deal with random questions. In yet another example of "how men & women are different" he couldn't even recall the last conversation he'd had about adoption with someone other than a family member. I may be overgeneralizing here, but it seems that women are just a bit more curious about other people's lives and ask more detailed question. I totally understand the questions, since I myself am often guilty of being too interested in other folks businesses. In an attempt to be a bit proactive, here are some commonly asked questions about our adoption. I will try to go back and add to this post as I think of stuff, but in the meantime, please feel free to ask a question in the comments section, and I will do my best to answer it.

OH! Before we get too far into this whole blogging thing, I need to add a major disclaimer: The stories here are just my experiences. Every adoptive family is different and has a unique story. There are bunches of ways to adopt and I am in no way an expert on anything.

Question: Is Squirt adopted?
Answer: Nope.

Question: So then why adopt?
Answer: While dating and in the early parts of our marriage, Squishy and I always debated the number of kiddos we wanted. He said two, I said three. We were young and naive and like most people just assumed that pregnancy and kiddos would come to us easily and that we were somehow in control of the number. After a few years of trying, we got pregnant with Squirt and right from the beginning it was an emotional roller coaster. Some of the highlights: gestational diabetes & insulin, a week in the hospital on bed rest, and little man arriving 5 weeks early. The major blow though was when we learned that Squishy and I were both carriers for Cystic Fibrosis. After getting an amnio and waiting several long weeks, we were relieved to learn that Squirt is a carrier, but thankfully does not have the disease.

Around that time, we started to think about our family and our options. We could have another bio baby, but at the end, we decided the risks were too high. We thought about making Squirt just an only child, but the bottom line is our family just doesn't feel complete with one kiddo. And so we made the decision to adopt.

Question: What agency are you using?
Answer: We are working with American Adoptions in Kansas. When I started doing research about adoption, I was a bit overwhelmed by all of the different options. We knew that we wanted an open-adoption (more on that later), and this agency specializes in those. In addition, the real benefit for us is that they handle everything from designing our profile to advertising to birth mom's to coordinating with the lawyers. As emotionally draining as adoption can be, we wanted an agency that would hold our hand through all the steps, which they have. I will mention that if anyone reading this is looking for an agency, I HIGHLY recommend American Adoptions. When you first look at them, their costs may seem higher than other agencies, but if you look closely, you will see that it is because American Adoptions doesn't have any hidden fees. In addition, they allow you to set your own budget. Plus, if a birth mom does change her mind and a match falls through, your money is safe, which means you can try again when you are emotionally ready.

Question: Where are you at in the process?
Answer: We are just about ready to be "active." Our agency has a three step process to becoming active. The first is a detailed assessment of what we are looking for. This form took us awhile and resulted in some very honest conversations between Squishy and myself. We had to make decisions on what our budget would be, what race(s) of baby we would be willing to parent, and what type of social/medical history we were comfortable with the birth mom having.

The next step was the creation of our profile, which is what birth mom's will see. We had to write a letter to the birth parents, submit a bunch of photos, and answer several essay questions about our lifestyle and how we plan to raise our kiddos. Our profile is currently being created and sometime in the next week or so we will get a rough draft and suggestions for changes from our adoption specialist. We will make the necessary tweaks and then that step will be done.

And the final step to becoming active is the home study. For us, this has been the step that requires the most time/paperwork. It all concludes with a social worker coming to visit us in a few weeks. After the visit, she will *hopefully* compile a report letting the agency (and birth mom's) know that we are qualified to parent another child. Once that is done, we will be "active"... hopefully in mid-August.

Question: What happens after you are active?
Answer: We wait. The next step after that is being "matched" or picked by a birth mom. Sometimes this happens while the birth mom is still pregnant, sometimes it happens right after she has the baby, and other times it happens when the kiddo is a bit older. We said that we would take a child up age 18 months.

Question: How long will it take?
Answer: The average placement time for our agency is 1-9 months, so we are aiming for sometime between September and May.

Question: How much does it cost?
Answer: A LOT! The upfront costs include the home study, getting finger printed for our back ground checks, and activation fees with the agency. As I mentioned before, our agency let us set our budget, which is how much we can afford to pay for the birth mom's living expenses, medical stuff, and lawyers fees. How our agency works is that when a birth mom contacts them, they calculate her level of need and only show her profiles of families that can afford that particular set of circumstances. Once we are matched, our next big expense will be traveling to get Spud. If we are matched during a pregnancy, we will be called when she goes into labor and have 24 hours to get to her. Last minute travel for a family of three can be pricey, plus we could be out of town for a week or up to a month. Oy! Then depending on the birth mom's home state, we might need to travel back there to finalize the adoption a few months later.

Question: How are you paying for the adoption?
Answer: Right now, just with savings. Some of our friends have done fundraising to help off-set the cost and we have thought about this. Part of us thinks it is a good idea since we know so many of our friends & family love us and want to help. On the other hand, we feel a bit awkward asking for help with getting our next kiddo. Once our home study is completed, we will start the process of applying for grants and scholarships from various agencies. And once the adoption is complete, the military will reimburse some of our expenses and we will be eligible for a tax rebate from the feds.

Question: Why do you call the baby Spud?
Answer: The hubby's nickname is Squishy and I'm Sunny. During our pregnancy, we started calling the baby Squirt. When it came to picking a nickname for the next kiddo, an "S" name was needed. We went with Spud, illustrated by Mr (or Mrs) Potato Head. I like what the Potato Head's symbolize... the ability to change and be whomever you want to be. In addition, I absolutely LOVE Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head in the Toy Story movies.

Question: Why did you decide to adopt a black baby?
Answer: Our agency has two programs... a traditional program and an agency assisted program. We knew from the beginning that the color of our baby didn't really matter to us and our main priorities were getting a kiddo quickly, since we knew adoption can take a long time and we wanted our children close in age. The agency assisted program is also subsidized, meaning we are able to spend more on raising our child rather than on fees. A lot of my reason for starting this blog is to work through my feelings on a transracial adoption. The truth is, I'm not worried at all about what happens within the four walls of our home or with our close friends and family. I do worry about what happens outside of the security bubble and hope that I am able to raise Spud to feel comfortable in our family but also comfortable with his or her heritage. This is one of the big benefits to us of an open adoption.

Question: What do you mean by open adoption?
Answer: In short, we are open to Spud having a relationship with their biological family. We really do believe that it takes a village to raise a child and the more people that can love and support our kid, the more successful we feel he or she will be. In addition, we hope that by having an open adoption, Spud will understand that they were always loved and wanted, not "given up" by their birth mom. The level of openness will depend on the comfort of the birth mom and may change as the years go on. It might be as simple as us sending annual pictures and letters to the agency to forward to the birth mom, or it might result in phone calls and visits. Ideally, we would like the birth family to become part of our extended family.

Question: What can I do to help?
Answer: First, your support and positive energy means so much to us. Please also keep all the birth mom's out there in your thoughts. There is a very good chance that Spud has already been conceived, so we just hope he or she is getting good prenatal care. Next, if you find yourself with an abundance of money and want to send some our way, we will gladly take it. LOL! And finally, if in your daily life you come across a young woman who is pregnant and thinking about adoption, please encourage her to contact American Adoptions. We might not be the right family to raise her kiddo, but I'm sure there is a couple that would be honored to welcome her child into their family. She can call the agency and talk to someone 24 hours a day, without any kind of obligation.