Tattoo

I knew early in the adoption process that I was going to get a tattoo for our second kiddo. I have a turtle with his name and birth date for Squirt, so it made sense to get one for baby #2. Since we took to calling our adoption dream "Spud," I imagined a Mr. (or Mrs.) Potato Head.

I can't tell you how many times between November 3 when we got the call until January 4 when I put him back in his father's arms I pictured where I would put the Mr. Potato Head and  "Zachary John" and what font. When he was born on Christmas, I thought it would be cute to do a Santa hat.

But when we gave him back, that tattoo no longer seemed right. He wasn't our Spud. Still a hard pill to swallow. Trying to figure out how to move on with the dream of Spud, our adopted child, and still honor this baby boy who was completely loved and perfect.

Squishy and I decided pretty quickly that we still wanted to get tats for our second son. A few weeks ago, he got kind of a gingerbread boy outline and the name Zac.

It has taken me a little bit longer to get mine though. Part of it is trying to find the time, and part of it is that tattoos hurt dang it. But the real reason is that I think I was still holding out hope that maybe, just maybe, they will call and say "it was a mistake, he really is yours." Or maybe, just maybe, I'd wake up and he'd be sleeping next to me and this would have all been a bad dream. But, once again, I have to face the fact that he isn't coming back.

And so tonight, I worked up the courage and got my tattoo. It is simple and small, but a reminder that for a brief and shining moment, I was a mommy of 2. And it carries the hope that I will be again. The dream of Spud 2.0 lives on.

Meanwhile, this evening my college BFF and my grad school BFF both gave birth to baby boy's. They have never met, though I think they would get along smashingly, and were both due on the same day next week. This is baby #2 for both of them. Congratulations my loves! And give those babies lots of kisses from me!

***
It is going to hurt for a long time. My heart will never completely heal; there will always be a Zac shaped hole. But it will be okay.

Apology

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. I think I got kind of bored with the 30 day challenge. Somehow "bullet point your day" just doesn't inspire me. I think the creators should have started out with those topics before going into "tell us about the time you wanted to take your own life." My music preferences just seem kind of lame after talking about my first love.

The last few days have been internally interesting.

I've been watching the tv show "Ruby" on Netflix, and am just about done with the third season. Have you seen this show? It airs on the Style Network and is about a woman on a weight loss journey. She started at over 700 pounds and it deals with her eating disorder. I have long accepted that I have an eating disorder, and have made feeble attempts at working on it. I am a compulsive binge eater, which is an addiction, just like drugs or alcohol. The difference is, I can't abstain from food the way an alcoholic or drug addict can from their drug. I am also a co-dependent. There are many 12 step programs available, but it is very difficult to get "sober," since right now eating comforts me. It is a very sick cycle and one that I worry will eventually have a devastating impact on my health and lifestyle. So the last week or so, I have been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching on that topic.

Another thing that has been on my mind is how people deal with grief. Yesterday, Squishy volunteered at an event here in town. I didn't really know anything about the event or the organization sponsoring it, just that it was some sort of activity for kids with special needs. Squishy called a few minutes after arriving to tell me that the founder of the organization had personally invited Squirt and I to come attend. I was pretty hesitant at first (have I mentioned in this blog that I HATE NEW SITUATIONS AND THE UNKNOWN?), but I am so very thankful that I went.

Basically,  the founder of the organization lost his son several years ago at the age of 6. Throughout his short life, the boy had been very sick and the family had struggled financially, as many families with medically fragile children do. So now, each year around his birthday, they basically through a birthday party/fundraiser. The birthday  party element includes bowling, video games, mini golf and such for kids, both with special needs and without. The fundraiser part raises money to be distributed to other families that need help with children. How amazing is that? To turn a difficult thing like losing your child into not only a celebration for other kids but also a way to give back to others left me truly in awe.

Day 11: Music Shuffle

10 Random Songs from my music player

Tim McGraw "I Like It, I Love It."
I love country music and Tim is just such a favorite in the genre. I saw him in concert my senior (?) year of college and dang he put on a good show. I love the album "Tim McGraw and the Dance Hall Doctors."

Taylor Swift "Love Story"
I am super duper jealous of Taylor Swift. Pretty, talented, famous. This one isn't one of my favorites of her's, but it is cute enough. A lot of her music though cuts right to my heart, especially "Back to December."

John Mellencamp "Check It Out"
Being a midwestern girl, Mellencamp is a must for any playlist. This song holds more meaning to me as I get older, but it also brings back memories of home... it was the theme song for one of the local tv station's morning news program.

Van Halen "Jump"
This a catchy song, but my favorite of theirs is "Right Now." I'm glad that they are touring again, and I would love to see them. I know I am in the minority with this, but I am more Team Sammy.

Huey Lewis & The News "Back in Time"
If you grew up in the 80's, how can you not love Huey Lewis? This one is kind of cheeseball, but so are the Back to the Future movies, so it is all good. When Squishy and I were first dating, we talked about Huey Lewis and he brought over his cassette tapes. I don't think they've been moved from my music collection ever since. I think "Happy to be stuck with you" is a fitting song for our relationship.

3 Doors Down "Here Without You"
Awww, it is bittersweet that this one came up on my list. After we had been dating for a month, the Air Force sent Squishy away to Las Vegas for a month (I know, right, poor baby). It was weird to be away from him for that long, but it was such a blessing for our relationship. We became friends, since all we had was the phone, and it prepared us for deployments. During that month, this became our song.

Beach Boys "California Girls"
I lived in San Diego from about 2 1/2 to 7, thanks to my step-dad's military service. This song reminds me of that time and especially of my sister, K Liz, who was born there. If you don't love the Beach Boys, or at least appreciate them for the feel-good tunes, you should probably reconsider your friendship with me. My fave is def the uber silly "Kokomo."

Phil Collins "You'll be in my heart"
Yes, I love Phil Collins. Surprisingly, I'm not really a big Disney girl. This song, however, MAKES ME CRY... EVERYTIME! Especially now after everything with Zac. Oy! Okay, moving on.

Moody Blues "Nights in White Satin"
Oh the Moodies! When I was a kid on road trips I would have my mom put in her Moody Blues tape because it made me fall asleep. In college, I finally gave them a chance and FELL IN LOVE. Wow! We've seen them in concert together twice. Amazing how good music endures... the stories are still as relevant today as they were in the 60's.

Shakira "Hips Don't Lie"
I am a completely horrible dancer, yet that has never stopped me. The right song and I'm dancing all over the place.

Day 10: First Love and First Kiss

When I saw that this was going to be one of the topics for blogging, I kind of cringed.

First of all, my first kiss was at the age of 17 and totally lame (though at the time I felt on top of the world). I'd prefer to leave that memory buried deep in the recesses of my brain, if you don't mind.

Now, first love. This is a little tougher. What counts? The first time I thought I was in love? The first time I told a boy I loved him? The first time I told a boy and he told me back? Or the first time I was really truly in love?

The first time I thought I was in love I was probably a whole hot 13 years old. I've always really been kind of boy crazy and had bunches of crushes. My journals from my pre-teen and teen years were filled with "xoxo" and dreams of story-book romance. Yet, I didn't actually date until I was out of high school.

I don't know who I first confessed my love to, but I have the icky-feeling-in-my-stomach assumption that it was this boy I was obsessed with throughout high school. God bless his soul, he is one of my dearest friends now and he and his wife (whom I've also known forever) are one of those amazing couples that were just made for each other.

I dated several guys between high school and meeting Squishy that I think I probably thought I loved, and maybe even said as much. Looking back, I think it was more that I wanted them to fall in love with me. All I really imagined about love was that it was about sunshine and happiness, having a partner. I didn't really think about how loving someone means accepting that sometimes it is going to suck.

Squishy and I have been married almost 8 years now and in that time, I have come to realize that love is not a stagnate thing. When you say "I love you," it more means, "I love you now and I want to keep falling in love with you every day forever and ever." The more I learn about Squishy and see him in action, the more experiences (good and bad) that we share together, the more I fall in love with him. The more I see that I couldn't be me without him. And I realize that I have never felt this way, this "love" thing with anyone else.

Day 9: Back to the Future

Just a few days ago I typed about how I imagine my life in 10 years, and I really don't know if I have much to add for "how I imagine my future." I think I mostly just want to keep on this path and keep experiencing life to the fullest. That means appreciating the little joys and recognizing that sometimes life sucks and is going to hurt A LOT.

Of course there is a part of me that hopes I get drop-dead gorgeous, write an international best-seller, get my doctorate and change the course of education, and get to have an approved by Squishy life-time love affair with Peyton Manning.

I think the past 30 years have taught me that I need to not plan or imagine my life too much. Lord knows the plans I have for myself rarely unfold. 15 years ago I was all set to be a lawyer, consumed with my career, and maybe having a family. 10 years ago, I was in college, with no clue what I wanted to be, but convinced I would be a career woman, and maybe have a family. 5 years ago I had a career plan and was married, and desperately wanting a family, but had no plans to do the stay at home mom thing. And now look at me! The idea of having a career and all that being successful requires has zero appeal to me; I'm beyond thrilled that I get to spend all my time with Squirt. Right now I can't imagine changing anything, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Day 8: I can't get no satisfaction...

... though I try, and I try.

Sorry for the random song distraction. Love me some Rolling Stones.

Anywho, today's topic is about a time in my life when I felt the most satisfied. For this moment, we have to travel back in time (about 12 years) and across the globe.

My freshmen year of high school, the district welcomed a new teacher, Ms. D. She had started her adult life in the business world and then decided to go into teaching. It was her first year and she just really made such a difference in my life. While I was blessed to have many teachers that really cared about their students, Ms. D will always have a special place in my heart.

For 3 1/2 years (I graduated high school) I saw her every school day. Early in French 1 it was clear that I was never going to master the language, but she made the class so engaging and fun that I kept at it.

Then she had the crazy idea to take a group of students to France!

For some schools, trips out of the country might not be a big deal, but for us and our school it was HUGE! Getting the school board approval, fundraising, getting passports, all the planning. It consumed probably a year of Ms. D's life and also the lives of the 8 of us that went on the trip.

My memories of that trip are so strange... some moments are so incredibly vivid that it feels like yesterday. And other chunks are so foggy that it doesn't even seem like I lived through it. We spent several days touring Paris, then several days divided up among host families, and then several more days as tourist.

My most satisfied life moment comes from our first few days in Paris, when we visited the Eiffel Tower. While the Eiffel Tower really isn't very representative of what France is, I think that it is probably the most recognized symbol of France... the place that characters in love stories dream of visiting.

The Eiffel Tower had three viewing decks at the time; I'm not sure if the system has changed since our visit. You can pay and ride an elevator straight to the top or you can save money and get some exercise and walk up stairs to the first two levels and then take the elevator to the top, which is what we did. All those stairs, all the laughter. A quick elevator ride and then we were on top of the world.

Even now typing it and reflecting, I get chills about that experience. I had just turned 18, wasn't from a real fancy family or town... I didn't really feel like anybody special. But there I was... at the top of the Eiffel Tower in freakin' Paris, France!

The feelings of accomplishment, the satisfaction of knowing I had set my mind to something and done it. At that point in my life, nothing seriously bad had happened and I had the whole world stretched out in front of me. I was unstoppable. Life was good!

That moment has stayed with me and led to my collection of Eiffel Towers (or "all that France stuff," as a 6 year old girl once commented). I even have a giant Eiffel Tower tat on my back.

Day 7: Zodiac

I'm an Aries and while I don't read my horoscope on a regular basis, I am interested in how astrology works.

Today's topic is to look at my zodiac sign and see how well if fits my personality.

I started out by just googling "all about aries" and found this.Overall, I really think I am a pretty typical Aries.

This line especially describes me: They welcome challenges and will not be diverted from their purpose except by their own impatience, which will surface if they don't get quick results.

My mom always says that I can do anything I set my mind too. One of the areas in my life that doesn't hold true for is my weight, and often times I quit a perfectly good plan simply because I don't end up being 150 pounds overnight.

I am very, Very, VERY impatient. Wishy washy people/situations are sooooo frustrating to me. Just make up your damn mind. There are pros and cons to everything, so just make a decision and lets move forward.

The website I think has a pretty accurate description of my selfishness, both positive and negative, and my interactions with other people. I am very much a "I'll just do it myself" type. My in-laws tell me on a regular basis how independent I am. That's good when handling things like Squishy's deployments, but it can be really bad when people try to help and I lose patience.

Another part of my personality that the Aries definition accurately describes is my straightforwardness. Again, this can be both good and bad. I'd say 99% of time, you know EXACTLY how I feel about you or a situation. I wear my heart on my sleeve and really have no poker face. I think people are either drawn to me for this reason or repulsed by it. Several years ago, I was working with a woman and we got along pretty well, but we weren't super close. One day at a restaurant, she started talking about how she wanted to go on an intense low-carb diet (I believe it required eating only nuts and eggs) to jump start her diet. Most people in this situation would have just smiled and nodded. Not me: I straight up told her I thought this was a bad idea. Most people would have hated me after that, but thankfully she appreciated my candor and is now one of my dearest friends.

One of my favorite parts of astrology is to see how my personality relates to those who share my birthday. If astrology is to be believed, I should share a pretty deep similarity with these folks. In junior high I met a girl who shared my birthday. At the time, I didn't think we could be anymore different... she was Miss Popular and I was, um, not. But in the last couple of years (thank you facebook) she and I have gotten to know each other as adults and it is funny how alike our personalities and views of the world are.