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I talk to your brother a lot. It started when he was in my belly and continues to this very day... in fact, I caught myself doing it this afternoon while he napped in the bed beside me. I tell him how much I love him and share my hopes and dreams. Sometimes I just share nonsense stuff. They say that people in comas can hear those around them, and I guess I think it is true for babies in the womb and sleeping kiddos too. The words said in those quiet, private moments get processed by the heart & soul, rather than the ears.

I'm missing that with you. I want to just put my hands on my swollen belly and tell you a million things, secrets just for you. But since someone else is getting to feel your kicks and hiccups, I'm left with this blog. I imagine one day I will print these entries out for you, and as you sit in a quiet spot reading them, I hope that they will bring you a sense of comfort and peace.

Your Nanny (that's what we call Daddy's mom) told me about how when she was pregnant with your Uncle Andrew, she wondered how she would ever love him as much as she loved your Daddy. I think most parents wonder that with their second child. I mean the first kid comes along and you *know* that you will love them, but you become completely absorbed by every little action of this tiny being. It's a cliche because it is true: being a parent changes everything. And no matter how many times you hear it, or people try to explain it to you, you have absolutely no clue until you join the club.

I'm completely stupidly wrapped up in your brother. And for a long time I worried about how I could possibly love you that much too. Nanny, and Lola, and all the other parents of more than one child told me that it would just happen. I wouldn't love my children the same, since they would be unique, but I would certainly love them equally. And already I am starting to feel that.

Spud, your story is so different from Squirts and I love that. I'm freakin' anxious to get to know you and your quirks and to see what kind of young man you turn out to be.

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Before I got on the computer to type out this entry, I was thinking about what I wanted to say. I refer to Squirt as "your brother," because in my mind, that is what he is: the person you will grow, love, fight, cause trouble with. But somewhere else in this world, you will have two other brothers... boys who share your DNA. It reminded me of a story of your Uncle Alan and Uncle Gordon that always makes me smile.

By the time you read these blogs, you will understand that in our family, relatives are defined by love, not blood. And that sometimes out of love, parents make choices that sometimes are hard for kids to understand. That's how it came to be that I didn't meet your Granddad (my dad) until I was in my teenage years. When we did finally meet, we had a family get together where Uncle Alan (my brother on Lola's side) and Uncle Gordon (my brother on Granddad's side) met. They were young (10 & 11 maybe), but understood that they were each technically my half brother. What they couldn't wrap their minds around was how they could both be my brother, and yet have no relation to each other. And so, they decided they must be "quarter siblings."

Adoption has added lots of new words to our family vocabulary (like "tummy mommy") and I think that "quarter sibling" might have to be another one as we all try to wrap around how exactly we are related. I hope you feel pretty special knowing that our overwhelming love for you is bringing two families together forever.

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Last night your Great Grandpa kept dreaming that today would be the day we got the "labor has started" call. He left me a note on the kitchen table telling me that before he left for work. While it is appearing that today wasn't the day (unless something happens in the next 45 minutes), I still want to save that note for your book.

One thing that you will always have over your older brother is that you have a better baby book. Confession: Momma is not very crafty or creative. I was looking at your Aunt Katie's baby book the other day and her mommy has all these detailed notes about her first smile, foods, yadda, yadda, yadda. Um, your brothers baby book didn't really happen; I was too busy trying to make sure he survived and that I didn't completely fall apart from exhaustion. I barely had the energy to watch tv, let alone keep notes on what was happening. And yet with you, I feel this compulsion to record everything. This blog, the notes I scribbled on a random piece of paper when we got "the call," the cards from your secret admirers. Maybe one day, you, me, and your tummy mommy will collaborate on a book that becomes a must-read for those involved with adoption. ;)

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During that time, I would talk to your brother non-stop. I would tell him how much I wanted him out and all that. He was due at the end of September, but I would tell him that he could come out in early September, on my Grandpa's birthday, or on the anniversary of when Daddy & I met. When it looked like he was going to arrive in August, we thought about your Great Grandpa's birthday and other loved ones with August birthdays. And yet, he came on just a random Thursday. It wasn't until a few weeks later, when GG came to meet him, that I learned that his birthday was actually her and my Grandpa's wedding anniversary. Which being the sentimental sap I am, means a lot.

I wish that I could talk like that to you now. Daddy has a cousin with a birthday this week that would probably be flattered to share cake with you. If you decide to come on Christmas, you'll be joining a cousin and your great-great grandmother on the birthday calendar. That week in between Christmas and New Years, there are a couple of aunts, uncles, and cousins that you can celebrate with. But if you really want to hold out and not give Momma a 2011 tax deduction, I hope you wait for January 3, your Nanny's birthday.

I wish that I could go for long walks, eat spicy food, and all that in an effort to get you into the real world, but you will come when you are good and ready.

I was talking to Nana last night about how much my belief in a higher power has increased since becoming a parent. As hard as this waiting is, I know that there is a purpose for it. And when the day comes that you arrive and I look into your eyes, I will smile at how perfectly it all worked out. And maybe, like with your brother, it will be some kind of special calendar day that I didn't even think of!
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Alright my little Spud.. now that Momma has written you a novel, it is time for me to head to bed. I keep thinking how important sleeping every chance I get is, since I don't know when I'll be frantically packing up the van and driving 11 hours to meet you.

XOXO