Longing

I've been working the fair the last few nights and one of my favorite parts is helping customers so that I can check out the cute kids.

I worked at Burger King in high school and retail for awhile and I remember one of the perks being checking out good looking guys. Men, unless they are Hollywood hotties, don't even register on my radar anymore. I've got an incredibly wonderful/smart/sexy man at home. But babies and kids... they get my attention!

I'm just so ready to meet Spud. I want to know his or her background so that I can start imagining what they will look like. Tonight I saw the most gorgeous half black/half Hispanic little girl and I about wanted to kidnap her.

There was also this young couple (maybe college age) that ordered, and as they stood there waiting for their food, she rubbed her belly in that "there is a life inside me" kind of way. She wasn't showing at all, so maybe I'm just reading too much into the situation, but it made me wonder if they had just found out they were expecting.

I remember the day I learned that Squirt was on the way, and until he switched phones, Squishy had a picture of us celebrating at dinner the night we found out. So many crazy emotions.

I won't have that same bond with Spud, but I'm anxious to connect with the birth mom and hear her stories about finding out about Spud and feeling those first butterflies and kicks.

I'm so ready for Spud to come home. A little over two weeks is all that it has been and I'm just anxious.

Checking In

Hey Spud,
On Sunday, your cousin Nathaniel was born and in just a few months your Aunt Katie will be delivering your next cousin. Daddy and I keep hoping that you will join the pack and we can have the "2011 babies."

We have been active with the agency for 2 weeks and I gotta tell you, the waiting really is the hardest part. I feel powerless and anxious. I'm trying to enjoy just being a family of three and appreciating how (relatively) easy life is. But really, I'm just ready for you to get here.

I am ready to turn Squirt's big boy bed back into a crib for you. I'm ready to snuggle and co-sleep with a tiny little one again. I'm ready to unpack the newborn car seat and all the tiny clothes. I'm ready to buy new bottles and formula again. Mostly, I'm just ready to get to know you.

Daddy and I have been going back and forth on your middle name. Your first name is pretty well set, but the middle name just isn't coming to us as easily. Last night I told Daddy that I think the reason for this is because I really want your birth mommy to help us pick. Maybe give you her last name or another family name?

Spud, I want you to always feel like Daddy and I are a team with your birth mom. I've always believed that children are best raised in a community of love and I think an open adoption is a perfect example of that.

Every night (and many times throughout the day) I think about your birth mom and what an amazing woman she must be. Since I already love you so much, I find myself in just such awe of her for creating you and picking us to be your parents.

Years from now, when you hear "your story," I want you to know how much you are wanted and loved by all of us. I jump every time the phone rings and stop breathing when it is a number not programmed in my phone. It's been 2 weeks but it feels like a lot longer. They said the average wait can be up to 9 months. I told Daddy that I'm giving myself 5 months of this waiting before I start freaking out and asking the agency what is wrong with us.

Well my little love, I need to get back to my day. Just know that Momma is thinking about you and loving you.

And so we wait

Dear Spud,
I just wanted you to know that I love you and am thinking about you. They said this part... the waiting to get matched... would be the hardest part, and they were right!

I try to keep myself distracted and not obsess, but you cross my mind a thousand times a day.

Lately, I feel like God/whatever Higher Power you pick to believe in, is sending Daddy and I lots of signs that we are on the right path with this adoption. We see little ones now and start wondering what you will look like. Two of the kiddos that are in my daycare right now are twins and they are just the most beautiful little boys. And there are two baby girls I have subbed for that have just this mass of hair and the chubbiest thighs. The other night on the phone, your Nanny was talking about how if you are a little girl, we will all be learning how to do little black baby hair. Confession: this is one of the biggest fears your Daddy and I have with the adoption. Daddy says if you are a boy, he'll just keep your hair really short like his.

This is the song that plays in my mind whenever I think of you. It is from the band The Moody Blues.

"I Know You're Out There Somewhere"

I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know I'll find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
And somehow I'll return again to you

The mist is lifting slowly
I can see the way ahead
And I've left behind the empty streets
That once inspired my life
And the strength of the emotion
Is like thunder in the air
'Cos the promise that we made each other
Haunts me to the end

I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere you can hear my voice
I know I'll find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know I'll find you somehow
And somehow I'll return again to you

The secret of your beauty
And the mystery of your soul
I've been searching for in everyone I meet
And the times I've been mistaken
It's impossible to say
And the grass is growing
Underneath our feet

I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere you can hear my voice
I know I'll find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know I'll find you somehow
And somehow I'll return again to you

[Interlude:]
You see I know you're out there somewhere
O yes I know you're out there somewhere
You see I know I'll find you somehow
O yes I know I'll find you somehow

the words that I remember
From my childhood still are true
That there's none so blind
As those who will not see
And to those who lack the courage
And say it's dangerous to try
Well they just don't know
That love eternal will not be denied

I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere you can hear my voice
I know I'll find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know I'll find you somehow
And somehow I'll return again to you

Yes I know it's going to happen
I can feel you getting near
And soon we'll be returning
To the fountain of our youth
And if you wake up wondering
In the darkness I'll be there
My arms will close around you
And protect you with the truth

I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere you can hear my voice
I know I'll find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know I'll find you somehow
And somehow I'll return again to you

Celebration Day

I talked in my last post about the differences between pregnancy and adoption. With Squirt we remember the day we found out we were pregnant, the first time we heard the heartbeat, the first ultrasound.

Today is an adoption celebration day... a memorable moment in the story of Spud. Today we are an active family we the agency.

As of now, a birth mom can see our profile.

I just have to have complete faith that someone is going to think, "A military family with a stay at home mom who wants to homeschool is perfect for my kid."

Differences

Yesterday our homestudy finally arrived in the mail and I rushed off to the UPS store to get it to Kansas as soon as possible. (FYI: For $34 it will be at their offices by 1030 Tuesday morning) I was ecstatic and excited and super giddy. I wanted to tell the world; to mark this milestone, but there really wasn't anyone I could think of.

It made me think about the differences between the pregnancy process and the adoption process. I remember when I was pregnant with Squirt, I told EVERYONE (even folks who could care less) about the updates after every doctors appointment. My mom and mother-in-law received numerous texts and emails about babies heartrate and size and all the other fun tidbits. Every ultrasound picture was admired in great detail.

For those of you that have been pregnant more than once, I'm sure you could tell me that the ones that follow aren't quite as aww-inspiring since you've "been there, done that," and are exhausted by the ones already at home. I've noticed even on facebook the dramatic differences in pregnancy related status updates between the first-time parents and the veterans. It isn't that the first one is loved any more or more special, it just has a newness factor.

So while I admit that if I was pregnant right now, Spud probably wouldn't be getting the attention that Squirt got, I still feel a bit sad for Spud... like he (still tend to say "he," even though we would love a little girl) is getting the short end of the stick.

It is extremely hard not knowing when Spud will join our family. I try really hard to remind myself that there is a chance this might not work out, while still trying to prepare and believe. One of my dearest friends had her first kiddo a little before I had Squirt. Then she got pregnant again and had a miscarriage. She is once again pregnant and recently blogged about how she is trying to balance the excitement and joy of welcoming another kiddo into the world, while still wrestling with the knowledge and grief that sometimes things go wrong.

There have been thousands of moments along this journey that have kind of stung. I know that people don't do it on purpose and yet, I feel like I don't know how to handle the emotions. Just the other day I was talking to a friend of a friend about future plans. I said something along the lines of, "and with another one on the way..." to which she got all excited, "I didn't know you were pregnant! When is the baby due?" And once again I had to explain to someone that I'm not pregnant, that we are adopting, that the baby could end up being 18 months old and that he or she could be here next month or never. I'm not ashamed because I know that this is the right decision for our family, but it is still exhausting explaining it over and over and Over and OVER again to people.

I haven't found the right balance of answering their questions without feeling like I have to tell my whole life story. I really just want to print out business cards with this blog address and say "here you go. If you really want to know, find out here. If you were just trying to make conversation, you are off the hook."

I am trying really hard to just be in a zen place about the whole adoption. Having faith that Spud will find us when the time is right. Until then, I am trying really to focus on the home and family that are here now. As I posted earlier, I've been busy with the daycare. That is extra income for our family and a distraction from the worry and wondering. And honestly, it leaves me so exhausted that I feel it is good prep for when another kiddo joins the crew.

Friday I discovered The Fly Lady website (if I can figure out how to add links and stuff, I will) which is all about home management. It has simple steps for getting your house under control and then keeping it that way. The goal is to keep it clean and feel proud and learn to Finally Love Yourself.

I've mentioned before that I really think a key to success for me being a stay at home parent is to have things organized and under control. I'm slowly getting the meal thing down and organized. Next on the list is getting the house cleaning managed.

I will never be Super Mom who has everything perfected. As much as I would like to look like a movie star, serve my family gourmet meals, and have a house that you could feature in magazines... it won't happen. I'm learning to be okay with that. For example, I quit weight watchers and dieting. I'm a big girl and while I would love to be skinny, my real goal is to be healthy & happy. A number on the scale can't measure those things. I'm less tempted to eat ice cream if it doesn't feel off-limits. And water tastes better when I drink it to quench my thirst, rather than to reach a certain goal. I'm more proud of my workouts when I feel proud of myself for doing them and not guilty over whether it was perfect.

My goal right now is to have a clean home that feels comfortable. I want to serve my family food that is yummy and enjoy conversations around the dinner table. Some nights that means serving a frozen pizza, but we all like it and it is cheaper & healthier than eating out.

I've decided to give up on anything with the word "extreme" in it. For example, the shows and articles about extreme couponing and a family of twenty people living on $1 a day. Sure, it can be done, but at what emotional and time consuming cost? I like to clip coupons and am the consumer that the manufactures love... a coupon might just get me to pick up the name brand over the generic and try something new. In the end am I saving tons on my grocery bill? Nope, but again, I'm okay with that. Instead, I'm extremely proud that I am planning meals and going to the grocery store, rather than eating out. And *gasp* I am COOKING rather than just relying on boxed and frozen meals. Confession: for a long time, I really gave myself credit for cooking when I prepared a box of hamburger helper and opened a can of green beans. Turns out, there are a lot of things you can make in that same amount of time that are actually cheaper and a lot less processed.

Squirt & Spud, if you ever read these blog entries,  I want you to know that you don't have to be perfect... not for me or anyone else. I think the hardest thing to learn is that you shouldn't have to be perfect for yourself either. Do your best, enjoy life, and don't worry about reaching some unattainable standard.

Back to School

Not much to update on the adoption front. Our homestudy got held up a bit, waiting for background checks from one of the states. Now that those have arrived, everything should be on its way to the adoption agency and then we should hopefully be active soon.

Squirt turned 2 this past weekend. It is absolutely beyond me how quickly these last few years have flown by. It seems like just last week I was pregnant and daydreaming about motherhood.

We spent his birthday with my in-laws, which required a 17 hour road trip. I calculated that Squirt and I have made 15 (!!!) major trips in the last 2 years. No wonder I am always so dang tired! On the positive side... he is EXCELLENT on the road and passes the time sleeping, watching a little tv, staring out the window, or just talking to his toys.

We got back home at 4am yesterday and after a few hours of sleep, I am back into my "normal" routine. With it being back-to-school week and trying to run the daycare, I have LOTS of new kiddos starting this week and next. I've been busy updating toys and books and menus and schedules. One kiddo needs walked to school three days a week; another is full-time three days a week. Plus, I got a call yesterday for mid-day care four days a week. On the one hand, it is going to be a challenge for me to remember which day of the week it is and what kids I have each day, but on the other hand, it should keep everyone busy, which makes the days go by faster. I'm hoping that the heat wave breaks soon so that we can get more outside time. I have a nice toy room, but young kids can only spend so much time inside before we all start going a little bonkers.

Yesterday I also got back into my healthy habits. Vacation meant eating out A LOT! Plus, Squishy's grandpa's house is a snackers paradise. I'm pretty sure I ate at least one cupcake/chocolate covered pretzel/cookie a day. I did manage to avoid all of the store-bought snacks (yum, Little Debbie's), so I am proud of that. Now that we are back home, our eating out is extremely limited, not only because it is freaking expensive but also because the calories are outrageous. I'm also chugging water, rather than soda like I was at Grandpa's. Last night I walked on the treadmill while watching Wheel of Fortune and this morning I did a 10 minute Spark People workout. For the daycare today, I'll be walking back and forth to the school 2 times. Go me!

I think that is about all on my front. Just trying to keep on keeping on.

Better Person

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that Squirt (and in some ways, Spud) has made me a better person. As he nears his second birthday, I've been thinking back on all the ways I have grown and changed since first learning I was pregnant.

One thing that really sticks out in my mind is that I am trying to be more civic minded and earth friendly. I'm certainly not great at either one of these things, but I'm trying for the kiddos sake. We can read all the books in the library about helping others and taking care of the planet, but if I don't do it, I think it will be a lot harder for them to learn the lesson.

I admire my friends that are super involved in local politics or that eat only vegan foods. They really do inspire me and part of me thinks Squirt would be a better person in the long run if they were his parents. But he is stuck with me, and I'm imperfect, so we just attempt to do the best we can.

Things that I am trying to teach Squirt:
* Always say "thank you." Those 2 words go farther than any others I can think of. Even if you forgot "please," you can rebound with a "thank you."

* Give to others. Maybe it is a dollar to someone on the corner; maybe food to the pantry on base; maybe it is to a cause you believe in. At the end of the day, someone needs it more than you do, so find a way to give.

* Be patient. Yesterday we went out to lunch and the restaurant was packed, they were short on servers, and overall it was a freaking long wait. It would have been easy to get frustrated or mad, especially when they completely forgot our appetizer. But instead we smiled, told the waitress we understood, and just made the best of the wait by coloring. Situations are always going to come up that are going to be annoying and you are going to have to wait. Life is a lot better and you will feel more relaxed if you just go with the flow, put a smile on your face, and refer back to that whole saying "thank you," thing when you finally are helped.

* Reduce. Reuse. Recycle. We have been trying to cut back on the things we buy in packages. And you'd be amazed at what containers a 2 year old finds fascinating (um, cardboard tubes are like his favorite thing right now). And Squirt always watches when we take recycling and sort it and as he gets older, this will become one of his jobs.

* Cut back. This is a really, Really, REALLY hard one for me. I hate the commercialism of society and that constant quest for the newest/bestest thing. I've mentioned before that we are Dave Ramsey converts and I really want Squirt to know that if you can't afford it, you don't get it. If it isn't worth working for and saving for, you really don't want it.

* Use less resources. It is strange how much more focused I have become on using "green" cleaners, serving meatless meals, and the like since becoming a parent. I still feel a lot of guilt that Squirt didn't last longer in cloth diapers and I get sick to my stomach when I think of how many dirty diapers I have sent to landfills.

* Everyone is unique and deserves to be treated with respect. I feel ashamed at the ways that I have judged others and am trying so hard to correct those first impression thoughts. Considering that Spud will look "different," I think it is going to be uber critical to teach my kids that looks/abilities are not reasons to judge someone. You treat them with kindness and get to know them. Then if you learn they have an ugly heart, you just smile and nod and move on. This one has been especially hard since there are several people in my life that annoy me, but that I can't get rid of. I'm trying so hard to balance teaching Squirt that you don't have to like everyone, but you can't be mean either.

How have your kids made you a better person? What values are you hoping to instill in them?