Today is the day...

... that I officially give up control over this whole adoption process. Tonight is our home study and then it is out of my hands.

I have no doubt that we will pass our home study... Squishy is in the military and they keep him on a pretty tight leash, so he'll check out clean. And I just got certified to run a day care in my home which required ridiculous amounts of background checks and home inspections as well.

I'm rereading Dan Savage's book "The Kid" and last night I was at the part where he talks about the home study. It's a long passage, so I won't type it all out here, but basically it boils down to only for adoption do you have to first prove that you are a fit parent. In the natural baby making world anyone can get pregnant, regardless of their income, health, living situation, or substance use. They only get denied kids AFTER they screw up, and even then, they still get to have more (look at Casey Anthony... no one is going to stop her from having another kiddo).

So my real fear isn't the home study. I've prepped a meal for us and I'm sending Squirt to a friends house this afternoon so that I can remove the top layer of toddler dirt from my house. Then I will take a shower, but some make-up on, and just try to be my sweet, charming self (HA!).

But then it's done. There is no more paperwork to work on. No more profile drafts to edit. Just waiting.

Since I don't wait well, I'm trying to find things that to fill the time. One thing that I realized I can start once the home study is official is applying for adoption grants. There are TONS of programs that will give you money for your adoption, it is just a matter of doing the searches and finding ones that fit your situation, and once again doing paperwork. Most of them are just small grants, but when you are looking at such an expensive process, I'll gladly take a couple of hundred dollars here and a couple of hundred dollars there.

As you may be able to tell from this blog, the adoption has pretty much taken over any free space in my brain. If I'm not with Squirt or doing something that requires my full attention, I'm thinking about this adoption. My computer time is spent reading blogs, looking up books, visiting our agencies website for the hundredth time.

Yesterday, I did a search for reviews of our agency. I did this months ago before we settled with this agency, but I'm finding that rereading things (like "The Kid") at this stage in the process sheds a completely different light. One of the reviews I read was from a woman who activated with the agency, was matched with a mom 13 days later, and the baby was born 15 days after that. That's less than a month!

I keep looking at the agencies statistics... 1-9 months before we have a baby. 1-9 months!

Oh, little Spud, if you are already out there somewhere or growing in a tummy, please know that I love you so much. This is going to be an interesting adventure for all of us, and I may not always know the exact right thing to do or how best to support you, but you should always know that you are my heart & soul. I haven't even met you yet, and already I know that I wouldn't be the same without you. Momma loves you more than words and I hope you always know how truly wanted you are.