There is a part of my heart that is missing, and its name is Spud. I suck at waiting and my arms are desperate to hold my kiddo.
This weekend we traveled a few hours south to see one of our dearest friends and spend the day at Sea World. There is something so comforting about just getting to talk with those friends that feel more like family; an honesty comes to the surface and you talk about things you have been afraid to admit even to yourself.
As much as I want another child, I question on a daily basis if I am being selfish in trying to adopt. There are no guarantees in life and I just get wrapped up in worry that I'm not going to be able to protect Squirt or Spud from the bad that exists in this world.
My head spins round and round. When I named this blog "Waiting for Spud," I really did it more as a joke, thinking we would be one of those couples matched right away. But a month in and I'm wondering how long I can wait without going insane.
Every time the phone rings, I jump. And when it is an out of area number not programmed in my phone, my heart races. When the voice on the other end turns out not to be from the adoption agency, I'll be honest, I grieve a little. I dream about getting the phone call and find myself just wanting to sleep, willing it to be tomorrow, thinking "maybe this will be the day Spud finds us." Yes, my job is exhausting, but I went to bed before 8pm last night!
Everyone says that Spud will find us, but what if he or she doesn't? What if Spud isn't meant to be? No one wants to talk to me about that and it feels lonely and scary. This weekend my friend mentioned if we go a whole year with nothing, we could try another agency or IVF or something. But honestly, I don't think my heart is there. I don't know if I can re-do the home study and background checks and medical checks.
Blah! Sorry for such a negative post. I feel a lot of guilt even writing this when there are bunches of couples that have sick babies or no kiddos at all. I figure if Spud does find us one day, I want these blogs to show him or her all the love and emotions that went into bringing them home.
First, this is your blog. There isn't any need to censor what you say or think. This place exists exactly so you don't have to do that.
ReplyDeleteSecond, as much I don't think that's how it WILL go, there is always the possibility that this adoption agency won't work out. I suppose those uncertainties exist with everything in life. It's OK to know in your heart that you are giving this shot your all and if it doesn't work, you'll be upset, but might not try again.
To be honest, I think to myself pretty often that if something terrible happened and we lost this pregnancy, I wouldn't try again. I just don't know if I have it in me to get my hopes up like that again. I feel like it is OK for you to feel that way too.
I can't imagine how hard the waiting has to be. I think you and I are both women who are used to getting what we want because we work hard to make those opportunities happen. It is really hard to not have that control.
I won't tell you not to worry or not to obsess over it, because I know if I were you, I'd be doing exactly those things. Know that I love you and I'm here if you want to talk, even about the scary stuff.
Sending you positive vibes...keep your chin up and try to keep busy. I think this journey will be so great for you. It's just getting there that might be hard.
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