The other side

The adoption folks will tell you that the best thing to do during this waiting period is just to continue on with your life as normally as possible. Um, that is next to impossible to do, but I understand their point.

I figured that I'd spend a little time today telling you about the other side of my life/what I do while waiting for the phone to ring.

Growing up, I was always very goal oriented and career minded. Whether I was going to be a lawyer or a doctor or a teacher or a chef, I was always sure that I would go to college and have a career. Keep in mind, I said "career," not job. To me a job is something you do to make money. A career is a series of jobs in the same field that you grow in and that fulfills a part of you beyond just a paycheck.

I had a career for a couple of years. And then I married a man in the military and learned that the expression "if you want to hear God laugh, tell him  your plans," is all too true. After a couple of years of jobs to pay the bills, I had the opportunity to restart my career. I spent two years as a college administrator and while it wasn't always glamorous, I felt like I was doing something powerful/making a difference/yadda, yadda, yadda. And then I got pregnant.

I want to be a mommy so much, but I had always pictured myself as a working parent. You know: rush around in the mornings, drop the kid at daycare, come home to lots of hugs and cuddles. Yet, when actually faced with a growing life inside of me, I couldn't do it.

It seems like only yesterday that Squishy and I had dinner at Carino's and talked about my options. If I left my job, money would be tight. But the real deciding factor came down to the damn military. If I worked full-time (and sometimes even more than that) and Squishy was deployed, who would raise Squirt? And so I put in my notice and about 6 weeks before he was born, I left my career.

It would be a lie to say that there isn't a part of me that doesn't miss it. And sometimes I imagine that if I wanted to, I could go back again, but the truth is, my heart/mind have moved on. It is hard to admit to myself that something I wanted so much for so long just doesn't satisfy me any more, but it doesn't.

So without a career, I started thinking about a job. A series of events led me to open a daycare center in my home. There are some things I really like about it, and some things I really hate.

The kids are great and wonderful. But if you have ever spent five minutes with kids, you know that they can also be exhausting. And while it is nice to be earning some money again, the money is pretty pathetic. I love getting hugs and cuddles and hearing the laughter and teaching them. But it is the hardest job I have ever had. I work usually from 6:30-5, with no breaks. Days that I get to eat/go to the bathroom as the urge strikes are slim.

And I'm home all day. I can't go upstairs for safety reasons with the kiddos, so my life has become three rooms. Field trips are fun and great, but trying to get multiple two year olds anywhere is a bit like herding cats.

The hardest part though is that I don't get to go home. When the last daycare kiddo gets picked up, I'm still here, surrounded by toys that need sanitized, meals that need to be prepped for my own family, and an endless list of chores.

It all just leaves me wondering if I'll ever be professional satisfied, or if that is just an impossibility.