Hey Little One!
Not really much to write about this week; just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you.
This weekend I worked on cleaning up the garage and I gotta tell you kid: you already have a TON of stuff. Part of me is hoping that you are twin boys because that is the only way to justify the amount of clothing I have accumulated for you. On the other hand, if you are a girl, I have a great excuse to donate all of that stuff and go SHOPPING!
I love you Spud! I can't wait to hold you in my arms and watch you grow and change and turn into your own magical self.
Hoping you find us soon,
Momma
Monday, October 24, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Sign?
Spud,
If you had any clue how ready we are for you to join our family, I'm sure the phone would ring right this second telling us that you are on the way home.
Daddy and I have been talking about your name for quite awhile now and have settled on two names that start with the letter "Z." Your big brothers name starts with "A," so this way our family will be complete "from A-Z."
Yesterday, we were at the mall buying shoes and saw a product line with the same Z names we have picked! It made me smile like you would not believe. I can't wait to buy a whole bunch of the stuff to send to your grandparents once we get the call.
Daddy and I talk a lot about your birth mom. Recently, I met a lady who picked adoption for her son and he calls her his "tummy mommy." We both really like that, and think that is how we will talk to you about your mom.
The adoption agency sent us a packing list for when we get "the call" that it is time to travel to go get you, so that got me excited. And I continue to mentally go through what baby stuff we need for you. Mostly I think we just need some bottles/formula/newborn diapers. I'm going to try to be a better mom for you than I was for your brother and actually use the cloth diapers, now that I have a better laundry system in place. And I think I want to get you a new pack & play. But that is all stuff that we can pick up once the call comes.
Can you hurry up and have your birth mommy pick us now please? Eek! It has been less than 2 months of waiting and the average can be up to 9 months! Mommy is slowly going insane. I wasn't very patient when I was trying to get pregnant with your brother either! And waiting for his delivery was super frustrating (probably why he came 5 weeks early).
I'm taking your brother to the pumpkin patch today and I am wondering if we will get the call by Halloween.... we have a onesie ready for you in case! And I'm starting my Christmas shopping and wondering if Santa will need to bring two gifts to our house.
Loving you always,
Momma
If you had any clue how ready we are for you to join our family, I'm sure the phone would ring right this second telling us that you are on the way home.
Daddy and I have been talking about your name for quite awhile now and have settled on two names that start with the letter "Z." Your big brothers name starts with "A," so this way our family will be complete "from A-Z."
Yesterday, we were at the mall buying shoes and saw a product line with the same Z names we have picked! It made me smile like you would not believe. I can't wait to buy a whole bunch of the stuff to send to your grandparents once we get the call.
Daddy and I talk a lot about your birth mom. Recently, I met a lady who picked adoption for her son and he calls her his "tummy mommy." We both really like that, and think that is how we will talk to you about your mom.
The adoption agency sent us a packing list for when we get "the call" that it is time to travel to go get you, so that got me excited. And I continue to mentally go through what baby stuff we need for you. Mostly I think we just need some bottles/formula/newborn diapers. I'm going to try to be a better mom for you than I was for your brother and actually use the cloth diapers, now that I have a better laundry system in place. And I think I want to get you a new pack & play. But that is all stuff that we can pick up once the call comes.
Can you hurry up and have your birth mommy pick us now please? Eek! It has been less than 2 months of waiting and the average can be up to 9 months! Mommy is slowly going insane. I wasn't very patient when I was trying to get pregnant with your brother either! And waiting for his delivery was super frustrating (probably why he came 5 weeks early).
I'm taking your brother to the pumpkin patch today and I am wondering if we will get the call by Halloween.... we have a onesie ready for you in case! And I'm starting my Christmas shopping and wondering if Santa will need to bring two gifts to our house.
Loving you always,
Momma
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Another Dream
Hey My Spud!
I had another dream about you last night. On the one hand, I love dreaming about you when it feels so real. On the other hand, it just makes me miss you more. It is amazing to me how I can miss you, even though we've never met.
In the dream, your Aunt Katie had just had her baby and I was all excited for my new nephew. In the craziness, we got the call from the adoption agency that you had found us. I was so overwhelmed that I forgot to ask for any details. Later, I went to the office to get paperwork and learned that you were a boy, due in early November, from Austin, TX.
Loving you always,
Momma
I had another dream about you last night. On the one hand, I love dreaming about you when it feels so real. On the other hand, it just makes me miss you more. It is amazing to me how I can miss you, even though we've never met.
In the dream, your Aunt Katie had just had her baby and I was all excited for my new nephew. In the craziness, we got the call from the adoption agency that you had found us. I was so overwhelmed that I forgot to ask for any details. Later, I went to the office to get paperwork and learned that you were a boy, due in early November, from Austin, TX.
Loving you always,
Momma
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Passing Time
Hey Spud,
7 years ago today, I became "Mrs. Squishy." Your daddy and I had a small wedding that was very "us," and it was one of those perfect days that even if I had a million dollars, I wouldn't change a thing about.
Last night we went out to celebrate. We saw a movie called "50/50" about a young man battling cancer. It was so good, but made me cry and cry and cry. Especially the scenes with his mother. I just kept thinking about you and Squirt and how I want so much to protect you from everything, and yet there are going to be hurts that I can't heal.
After the movie, we went to dinner at Red Lobster, which is mommy & daddy tradition, and just talked, and talked, and talked. We talked a lot about you, of course. We also talked about possibly moving soon and what impact that would have on our family and on finding you.
Waiting for you is extremely difficult. I try to give myself landmarks on the calendar to pass the time. For the last few weeks I've been saying "wouldn't it be awesome for Spud to be born on our anniversary?" Well, unless you plan to enter this world in the next few hours, I'm going to bump it to Thanksgiving. "Wouldn't it be awesome for Spud to be born on Thanksgiving?"
Daddy put in a request to change bases. We've been here over 5 years now and I think we are ready for a change. The problem with moving is that if we do it before you find us, we have to deactivate for a little while. Once we move and get settled in a new house, we will have to do the homestudy process all over again. It stresses me out a bit because I wanted you and your brother to be fairly close in age, but I'm trying to remind myself that "everything happens for a reason" (an expression your daddy hates) and that you will find us when the time and place is right. Maybe we are perfect for a birth mom, but where we live right now is just too far away for her.
I had a dream about you again last night. We have your first name picked out already, but have been a bit stuck on a middle name if you end up being a girl. In my dream last night, it was vitally important that we give you the middle name Brianna. I told Daddy about it this morning and he likes it, so I think that is going on the short list.
Spud, I want to apologize in advance if I don't blog much in the coming weeks. I think I'm just preparing myself for the reality that you might not find us. Mommy's heart just hurts. She wants you sooooo much and just feels helpless right now to do anything. Once you get here and start to grow up, you'll learn that patience is not one of my virtue's. I'm a bit like your brother right now "I want what I want and I want it NOW!" Except, I can't call up the adoption agency and have a temper tantrum to try to bring you home sooner. But believe me, if I thought that would work even the slightest bit, I would do it.
I love you kiddo. I'm trying to stay positive, but if you could go easy on me and find us soon, I'd really appreciate it.
7 years ago today, I became "Mrs. Squishy." Your daddy and I had a small wedding that was very "us," and it was one of those perfect days that even if I had a million dollars, I wouldn't change a thing about.
Last night we went out to celebrate. We saw a movie called "50/50" about a young man battling cancer. It was so good, but made me cry and cry and cry. Especially the scenes with his mother. I just kept thinking about you and Squirt and how I want so much to protect you from everything, and yet there are going to be hurts that I can't heal.
After the movie, we went to dinner at Red Lobster, which is mommy & daddy tradition, and just talked, and talked, and talked. We talked a lot about you, of course. We also talked about possibly moving soon and what impact that would have on our family and on finding you.
Waiting for you is extremely difficult. I try to give myself landmarks on the calendar to pass the time. For the last few weeks I've been saying "wouldn't it be awesome for Spud to be born on our anniversary?" Well, unless you plan to enter this world in the next few hours, I'm going to bump it to Thanksgiving. "Wouldn't it be awesome for Spud to be born on Thanksgiving?"
Daddy put in a request to change bases. We've been here over 5 years now and I think we are ready for a change. The problem with moving is that if we do it before you find us, we have to deactivate for a little while. Once we move and get settled in a new house, we will have to do the homestudy process all over again. It stresses me out a bit because I wanted you and your brother to be fairly close in age, but I'm trying to remind myself that "everything happens for a reason" (an expression your daddy hates) and that you will find us when the time and place is right. Maybe we are perfect for a birth mom, but where we live right now is just too far away for her.
I had a dream about you again last night. We have your first name picked out already, but have been a bit stuck on a middle name if you end up being a girl. In my dream last night, it was vitally important that we give you the middle name Brianna. I told Daddy about it this morning and he likes it, so I think that is going on the short list.
Spud, I want to apologize in advance if I don't blog much in the coming weeks. I think I'm just preparing myself for the reality that you might not find us. Mommy's heart just hurts. She wants you sooooo much and just feels helpless right now to do anything. Once you get here and start to grow up, you'll learn that patience is not one of my virtue's. I'm a bit like your brother right now "I want what I want and I want it NOW!" Except, I can't call up the adoption agency and have a temper tantrum to try to bring you home sooner. But believe me, if I thought that would work even the slightest bit, I would do it.
I love you kiddo. I'm trying to stay positive, but if you could go easy on me and find us soon, I'd really appreciate it.
Monday, October 3, 2011
The other side
The adoption folks will tell you that the best thing to do during this waiting period is just to continue on with your life as normally as possible. Um, that is next to impossible to do, but I understand their point.
I figured that I'd spend a little time today telling you about the other side of my life/what I do while waiting for the phone to ring.
Growing up, I was always very goal oriented and career minded. Whether I was going to be a lawyer or a doctor or a teacher or a chef, I was always sure that I would go to college and have a career. Keep in mind, I said "career," not job. To me a job is something you do to make money. A career is a series of jobs in the same field that you grow in and that fulfills a part of you beyond just a paycheck.
I had a career for a couple of years. And then I married a man in the military and learned that the expression "if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans," is all too true. After a couple of years of jobs to pay the bills, I had the opportunity to restart my career. I spent two years as a college administrator and while it wasn't always glamorous, I felt like I was doing something powerful/making a difference/yadda, yadda, yadda. And then I got pregnant.
I want to be a mommy so much, but I had always pictured myself as a working parent. You know: rush around in the mornings, drop the kid at daycare, come home to lots of hugs and cuddles. Yet, when actually faced with a growing life inside of me, I couldn't do it.
It seems like only yesterday that Squishy and I had dinner at Carino's and talked about my options. If I left my job, money would be tight. But the real deciding factor came down to the damn military. If I worked full-time (and sometimes even more than that) and Squishy was deployed, who would raise Squirt? And so I put in my notice and about 6 weeks before he was born, I left my career.
It would be a lie to say that there isn't a part of me that doesn't miss it. And sometimes I imagine that if I wanted to, I could go back again, but the truth is, my heart/mind have moved on. It is hard to admit to myself that something I wanted so much for so long just doesn't satisfy me any more, but it doesn't.
So without a career, I started thinking about a job. A series of events led me to open a daycare center in my home. There are some things I really like about it, and some things I really hate.
The kids are great and wonderful. But if you have ever spent five minutes with kids, you know that they can also be exhausting. And while it is nice to be earning some money again, the money is pretty pathetic. I love getting hugs and cuddles and hearing the laughter and teaching them. But it is the hardest job I have ever had. I work usually from 6:30-5, with no breaks. Days that I get to eat/go to the bathroom as the urge strikes are slim.
And I'm home all day. I can't go upstairs for safety reasons with the kiddos, so my life has become three rooms. Field trips are fun and great, but trying to get multiple two year olds anywhere is a bit like herding cats.
The hardest part though is that I don't get to go home. When the last daycare kiddo gets picked up, I'm still here, surrounded by toys that need sanitized, meals that need to be prepped for my own family, and an endless list of chores.
It all just leaves me wondering if I'll ever be professional satisfied, or if that is just an impossibility.
I figured that I'd spend a little time today telling you about the other side of my life/what I do while waiting for the phone to ring.
Growing up, I was always very goal oriented and career minded. Whether I was going to be a lawyer or a doctor or a teacher or a chef, I was always sure that I would go to college and have a career. Keep in mind, I said "career," not job. To me a job is something you do to make money. A career is a series of jobs in the same field that you grow in and that fulfills a part of you beyond just a paycheck.
I had a career for a couple of years. And then I married a man in the military and learned that the expression "if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans," is all too true. After a couple of years of jobs to pay the bills, I had the opportunity to restart my career. I spent two years as a college administrator and while it wasn't always glamorous, I felt like I was doing something powerful/making a difference/yadda, yadda, yadda. And then I got pregnant.
I want to be a mommy so much, but I had always pictured myself as a working parent. You know: rush around in the mornings, drop the kid at daycare, come home to lots of hugs and cuddles. Yet, when actually faced with a growing life inside of me, I couldn't do it.
It seems like only yesterday that Squishy and I had dinner at Carino's and talked about my options. If I left my job, money would be tight. But the real deciding factor came down to the damn military. If I worked full-time (and sometimes even more than that) and Squishy was deployed, who would raise Squirt? And so I put in my notice and about 6 weeks before he was born, I left my career.
It would be a lie to say that there isn't a part of me that doesn't miss it. And sometimes I imagine that if I wanted to, I could go back again, but the truth is, my heart/mind have moved on. It is hard to admit to myself that something I wanted so much for so long just doesn't satisfy me any more, but it doesn't.
So without a career, I started thinking about a job. A series of events led me to open a daycare center in my home. There are some things I really like about it, and some things I really hate.
The kids are great and wonderful. But if you have ever spent five minutes with kids, you know that they can also be exhausting. And while it is nice to be earning some money again, the money is pretty pathetic. I love getting hugs and cuddles and hearing the laughter and teaching them. But it is the hardest job I have ever had. I work usually from 6:30-5, with no breaks. Days that I get to eat/go to the bathroom as the urge strikes are slim.
And I'm home all day. I can't go upstairs for safety reasons with the kiddos, so my life has become three rooms. Field trips are fun and great, but trying to get multiple two year olds anywhere is a bit like herding cats.
The hardest part though is that I don't get to go home. When the last daycare kiddo gets picked up, I'm still here, surrounded by toys that need sanitized, meals that need to be prepped for my own family, and an endless list of chores.
It all just leaves me wondering if I'll ever be professional satisfied, or if that is just an impossibility.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Missing
There is a part of my heart that is missing, and its name is Spud. I suck at waiting and my arms are desperate to hold my kiddo.
This weekend we traveled a few hours south to see one of our dearest friends and spend the day at Sea World. There is something so comforting about just getting to talk with those friends that feel more like family; an honesty comes to the surface and you talk about things you have been afraid to admit even to yourself.
As much as I want another child, I question on a daily basis if I am being selfish in trying to adopt. There are no guarantees in life and I just get wrapped up in worry that I'm not going to be able to protect Squirt or Spud from the bad that exists in this world.
My head spins round and round. When I named this blog "Waiting for Spud," I really did it more as a joke, thinking we would be one of those couples matched right away. But a month in and I'm wondering how long I can wait without going insane.
Every time the phone rings, I jump. And when it is an out of area number not programmed in my phone, my heart races. When the voice on the other end turns out not to be from the adoption agency, I'll be honest, I grieve a little. I dream about getting the phone call and find myself just wanting to sleep, willing it to be tomorrow, thinking "maybe this will be the day Spud finds us." Yes, my job is exhausting, but I went to bed before 8pm last night!
Everyone says that Spud will find us, but what if he or she doesn't? What if Spud isn't meant to be? No one wants to talk to me about that and it feels lonely and scary. This weekend my friend mentioned if we go a whole year with nothing, we could try another agency or IVF or something. But honestly, I don't think my heart is there. I don't know if I can re-do the home study and background checks and medical checks.
Blah! Sorry for such a negative post. I feel a lot of guilt even writing this when there are bunches of couples that have sick babies or no kiddos at all. I figure if Spud does find us one day, I want these blogs to show him or her all the love and emotions that went into bringing them home.
This weekend we traveled a few hours south to see one of our dearest friends and spend the day at Sea World. There is something so comforting about just getting to talk with those friends that feel more like family; an honesty comes to the surface and you talk about things you have been afraid to admit even to yourself.
As much as I want another child, I question on a daily basis if I am being selfish in trying to adopt. There are no guarantees in life and I just get wrapped up in worry that I'm not going to be able to protect Squirt or Spud from the bad that exists in this world.
My head spins round and round. When I named this blog "Waiting for Spud," I really did it more as a joke, thinking we would be one of those couples matched right away. But a month in and I'm wondering how long I can wait without going insane.
Every time the phone rings, I jump. And when it is an out of area number not programmed in my phone, my heart races. When the voice on the other end turns out not to be from the adoption agency, I'll be honest, I grieve a little. I dream about getting the phone call and find myself just wanting to sleep, willing it to be tomorrow, thinking "maybe this will be the day Spud finds us." Yes, my job is exhausting, but I went to bed before 8pm last night!
Everyone says that Spud will find us, but what if he or she doesn't? What if Spud isn't meant to be? No one wants to talk to me about that and it feels lonely and scary. This weekend my friend mentioned if we go a whole year with nothing, we could try another agency or IVF or something. But honestly, I don't think my heart is there. I don't know if I can re-do the home study and background checks and medical checks.
Blah! Sorry for such a negative post. I feel a lot of guilt even writing this when there are bunches of couples that have sick babies or no kiddos at all. I figure if Spud does find us one day, I want these blogs to show him or her all the love and emotions that went into bringing them home.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Three Weeks
Well Spud,
Daddy and I have been active with the agency for three weeks now and you still haven't found us yet. These three weeks honestly feel more like three years. I'm just so ready for you and I am having a hard time just relaxing and letting things happen as they will.
Last night I had a "Spud dream," as I call them. I had received two e-mails from birth families, saying they had picked us, only to find out they were spam. It was devastating.
I really don't have much to say today... just wanted to let you know that I love you and am thinking about you.
Desperate to meet you,
Momma
Daddy and I have been active with the agency for three weeks now and you still haven't found us yet. These three weeks honestly feel more like three years. I'm just so ready for you and I am having a hard time just relaxing and letting things happen as they will.
Last night I had a "Spud dream," as I call them. I had received two e-mails from birth families, saying they had picked us, only to find out they were spam. It was devastating.
I really don't have much to say today... just wanted to let you know that I love you and am thinking about you.
Desperate to meet you,
Momma
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