Day 5: Suicide

When I first saw this topic on the 30 day challenge, I was a bit taken aback. While I know a blog is supposed to be personal, that's just REALLY personal.

I hesitate sometimes on how honest to be with my writing and sharing. In college I had a blog, which I sent a link to my dad to read. He was a bit traumatized and still gives me crap about it. Inviting him to read it was my way of opening up to him, to trying to get to know me. On my mom's side of the family, we share just about everything, so it didn't seem strange to me. My dad is not like that though and it was oversharing for him. After that experience, I'm a bit afraid that someone is going to use my honesty against me.

I try really hard to be an honest and open person for a couple of reasons. 1) Keeping the truth straight is a lot easier than keeping lies straight. 2) Trying to impress people or be someone I'm not, requires a lot more energy than I am willing to put into things. And 3) I have an amazing network of people who love me for who I am, and I appreciate them more than I could ever express. They deserve my honesty.

So occasionally, I overshare. I wear my heart on my sleeve. In the case of our recent adoption drama, it hurts like hell to have everyone know everything. But in the end, I really feel like the best approach for myself and for my life is to just be who I am. So I apologize if my oversharing is uncomfortable for you.

Alright, today's topic is about "a time when you thought about ending your life." I would say that I have never been officially suicidal. I've never made a detailed plan or started giving my stuff away. I have been severely depressed in the past and thought about how I could kill myself and whether or not that was the best way out of my drama. Several things have always held me back. When I was younger, it was my brother and sister. They are 4 and 5 years younger than me and had a rough childhood dealing with our parents divorce. I always thought of them in my darkest moments and thought, "the last thing they need is a sister that committed suicide."

I think that there is still a lot of stigma about depression. I am by no means an expert, all I can talk about is my personal experience.

I consider depression a long-term illness, like diabetes. I can manage the symptoms and have a relatively normal life, but it doesn't ever go away.

My depression started around the age of 17. Looking back, I just kind of went wacky and started acting in ways that weren't in-line with my normal behavior. I think a lot of it got written off by myself and my family as just teenage angst and a reaction to life circumstances. It continued on into college where I learned to self-medicate with alcohol, relationships, and food.

It was in college that I first started going to therapy. I had a great counselor who really helped me address some of my "issues."

In grad school, I was put on anti-depressants for the first time. The way it was explained to me was that all the talk therapy in the world wasn't going to help me if my brain chemicals weren't ready to receive the message. I took the meds for a brief time, but the cost and stigma led me to quit pretty quickly.

It was the summer of 2008 when my body finally said "we need to deal with this." Squishy was deployed and I can vividly remember having a freak out session in the middle of the night. I call it a panic attack. I don't know what provoked it, but for awhile, it seemed like the room had no air and nothing I could do could calm me down... my brain just freaked out. The next day I got into mental health on base and started on my meds.

I had an AMAZING therapist who helped me out tremendously. Between the techniques she taught me and the drugs, my life really started improving. It is actually really hard for me to look back on the time before then because I'm very ashamed of the person that I was. I was negative and selfish and generally, not a really fun or nice person to be around. To any of you that are reading this that were hurt by my actions, I officially apologize.

During my pregnancy, my first OB felt it would be better for Squirt if I went off of my anti-depressants. Big mistake! Those were a rough couple of weeks and again I apologize to anyone that had to put up with me. I was a hot mess! My dear friend helped me see that I needed to get back into counseling and on my meds. With much support, I changed to a doctor that was comfortable with me being on anti-depressants, though she did have me change to an older, more well studied drug.. Prozac.

I had a lot of internal struggle with that. Prozac?!? Isn't that for really crazy people? But for me it has been a life saver.

One big thing I have learned over the years is that I have to stay on my medication. Before I left in December for the adoption craziness, I had trouble getting a refill. I should have fought harder with the docs/pharmacy, but I didn't, so I just left and went several weeks without. EEK! Talk about bad news bears! Thankfully, Squishy was able to get my refill and bring it to me right before Christmas. When you have been depressed and start feeling better, it is easy to think that you can go off the meds and just keep feeling better. It doesn't always work like that.

Going through the adoption process, my depression raised some red flags during the homestudy process. Truth is, because of my struggles with depression and the amazing support system (medication, talk therapy when a crisis occurs, and better coping skills) I have in place, I think that I am better able to cope with the ups and downs of life than most people.

Phew! That was a lot, huh?

Twice in the last 12 hours I have received completely out of the blue notes about what a good person I seem to be and such. I don't see myself that way, but I am so grateful for the support. I have worked really hard over the last few years to get my depression under control and be the kind of woman that I can look in the mirror and be proud of.

If anyone who is reading this is struggling with depression, I strongly urge you to get help. I know that it can be super scary to make that initial appointment. I can call for you or go and hold your hand. And I know that when they prescribe a medication, it can be embarrassing, but just know that you are in good company. And please, Please, PLEASE... if your doctor does prescribe medication and you start feeling better, please don't stop taking it until you talk to your doctor.

And lastly, if you are struggling with depression, I am sending you a big hug and letting you know that the world can be pretty great once you get help.