2012 isn't even half over yet, and I gotta tell you, this is not looking like a good year for me. The last month has seen my life becoming even more stressful and emotional then it was when we lost Zac. I didn't know that it was possible to feel so much pain and confusion.
As I mentioned in my last post, I put our adoption plans on hold. I'm very thankful that I did that before life started spinning me in circles. We are new home owners, which is wonderful, but it brings a new set of responsibilities. Squishy had a medical issue that came up, which was scary and time consuming. Squishy's Dad & Step-mom came for a pre-scheduled visit and his Mom came to help with all the medical craziness. All that aside, the biggest change is yet to come: Squishy has made the decision to leave the military and resume civilian life after 10 years.
My emotions about this are kind of all over the place, so I am turning to you my dear blog. While it is not directly adoption related, I think that any life stuff that happens to us impacts our adoption plans. And as always, if I am blessed with another child, I want that kid to know the struggles and triumphs we had creating our family.
Let me start by saying that I think Squishy getting out of the military is the right decision for Him. He has been through 4 deployments, seen things no one should have to see, and is ready for a change. Since it is ultimately the best decision for him, I know in the long run it is the right decision for our family. It means major changes for all of us, but right now I kind of feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick.
These next couple of paragraphs may come off a little whiny, so I apologize in advance.
The military is our identity. We shop on base, our friends are military, we have military health insurance, and in 10 years we were supposed to start getting a military retirement check. Our life insurance is through the military. Stepping away from the military means recreating a whole lot of the basic support structures. While it is possible and I can do it, I wasn't planning on having to do it. And if you know me at all, getting the rug pulled out from under me does not make me very comfortable (or easy to be around I'm sure).
With Squishy leaving the military and going back to school, I am heading back to full-time work. I have no problem with hardwork. What I do have a problem with is my resume and leaving Squirt. Growing up I had always planned to be a career woman, but when I fell in love with Squishy and had Squirt, that had to change. The particular area of education that I got my masters degree in really required me to move and get a "real" job after graduation. But being married to a military man, that didn't happen. It took me 2 years after graduation and a move to Texas before I landed my first grown-up job. It wasn't perfect (no job is), but it was my job with a real paycheck and benefits and an office. Unfortunately, my job required a lot of long hours and with Squishy's deployment schedule, I had no clue how I could balance all of it with a baby. As I was making the decision, a dear friend told me that I could always restart my career, I couldn't recreate time with my son.
Squirt will be three at the end of summer and I have never for a second regretted the decision. I love, Love, LOVE being a stay at home mom. Sometimes I look at our weeks and I feel like we didn't do anything productive. But then he gives me 15 kisses on his own, since he currently loves to pick numbers and count, and oh I feel like I must be doing something right. After 3 years, with the new house, and my nursery job at the church, I finally felt like I was getting in the groove. I was with Squirt and back working in education, sort of, and things were going to be great.
And now, I have to go back to work. My resume looks like crap. Let's see: fast food, retail, military, education, church receptionist, fast food, retail, care-giver, substitute teacher, weight loss counselor,education, 18 month gap, daycare, church nursery. I can tell people until I'm blue in the face that my short tenure at places was due to moving and having a kid and blah, blah, blah, but the fact is that I look flighty and like I have no clue what I want to do when I grow up. I have a bunch of skills (customer service, organization, blah, blah, blah), but I don't have a clue and/or the confidence on how to market myself.
I've started applying for jobs and realize that even if I were some how able to do some resume magic and build the confidence to land a real job in education (I don't even care at this point what level of education), most real jobs mean working 8-5. That means less time with Squirt.
Okay, I know there are millions of mom's out there that work and only see their kids in the evenings and weekends. Push comes to shove, I'll do it if I have to, but I don't want to. I would much Much MUCH rather work afternoons or evenings or overnights so that I get to maximize my time with him. The problem with that is that most of those jobs are a bit more blue collar. And I'm really not a snob about working retail or fast food (as my resume shows), but there is still an ego thing involved. Fact is I'm 31 years old, I don't know if I have the stamina to be on my feet for 8 hours a day or the desire to come home smelling like grease. But yet my heart is telling me that McDonald's is the right way to go. It has health insurance, flexible hours, and I can still hang out with my crazy kiddo.
I also really don't want to lose my job at the church, which I would need to do if I go back to a "regular" job. I love my co-workers and am so excited for the year ahead. Once again, I think typing it out is giving me my answers.
I have an interview tomorrow at McDonald's, and if they offer it, I think I am going to accept. I will keep applying for other jobs that might be a little bit more fitting (both my sisters work for hotels and I think that might be a more appealing option), but I think until Squirt is a little older, I need to sacrifice my ego a bit and do this. We still have several months of military paychecks coming in, but with me working, we can put more towards the house and the adoption and make a little more of a financial cushion.
Meanwhile, Squishy is applying to schools and I am restarting classes towards my doctorate in June. Maybe in a couple of years we will be able to both find our "dream" jobs and grow up, but for the next couple of years, I think the priority is just going to be on doing what we need to for our family.
Once I am working again and I have a better grasp on our budget and such, we can update our homestudy and our adoption profile and go from there.
And through it all, I find myself going back to my old stand-by: counting my blessings. I know that Squirt is learning a lot from me, but I really hope that I am able to teach him that in even the most trying times he is truly fortunate. I close with a list of things that I am so very Very VERY thankful for.
Right as Squishy was having so many problems with work, a friend lost her husband "over there," doing the same job Squishy did. People in their line of work get hurt and killed far too often, but this is the first time it really hit close to home for me. Despite all the craziness of the past and the uncertainty of the future, Squishy is by my side. He never has to deploy again. I am so thankful for that.
And when he did get sick, we had health insurance and the right resources to heal him. I am healthy, he is getting healthy, and Squirt is healthy. I hate to even imagine the alternative.
I'm crabby and scared about going back to work, but what a blessing that I can work. I think too often this one gets taken for granted.
I have a roof over my head and I live in a nice house that is (mostly) clean with running water and electricity. I have a closet full of clothes and food in my fridge. This blessing alone reminds me of just how fortunate I am.
I have an incredible support system that truly amazes me every day. I have friends and family that I can call in the middle of the night and people who will drop everything to be here to support me when I need it. I am in awe and speechless over that fact. You all encourage me to be a better friend to those around me.
And finally, I have Squirt. Oh, that child is my reason for everything. He doesn't care what my resume looks like or whether I work at McDonalds or if we live on PB & J's... he just wants to be with his "Ba," (Mom) and that is my primary focus. The rest is just noise.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
On Hold
We have placed ourselves "on hold" with the agency for awhile. My brain/heart can only handle so much at a time and right now my focus is on Squishy (he is having some struggles at work) and our current family. The new house is AMAZING, but with it comes new bills and a necessity to overhaul our budget. I've never before in my life paid a water bill or a gas bill, so I am completely clueless as to how to estimate them (I even tried googling "average water bill for our city" and no success).
My heart is just overwhelmed right now. A friend lost her husband who was deployed last weekend. Kind of just feels like a punch to the gut. As wives, we do our best to prepare ourselves, but I just want to run to her and hold her tight. And a co-workers daughter recently got told she has cancer. And the father of two dear friends is in the hospital... this man was a primary male role model for me for many years and my heart is breaking for my "brother and sister," who have enough on their plate. There is so much bad and sad in the world, that I find myself completely unable to tolerate people who are negative about minor things.
Things were pretty stressful in our house this week and I know it was a combination of stress from the move/overtiredness/and illness. I was very crabby and negative must of the week. I've learned that when I'm in a that kind of mood, I tend to attract more negative things into my life. Or I notice the bad things more. And I let them impact me more. For example, on Thursday, I stopped by the store to buy a get well card for the above mentioned daughter with cancer. Debit card got declined. WHAT?!? It seriously put me in a funk the rest of the day, even after I logged onto our account and got it squared away (we have overdraft protection, so no harm, no foul). It was just a simple mistake since I have been distracted, but I let it eat away at me.
My point is, we all have bad days. We are all allowed bad days. But the key here is "DAYS." I'm so over the people who just complain. I'm tempted to go through my facebook account and if you haven't said anything positive in your last three status updates... DELETE.
Like I said, this week was pretty rough for me. I'm a compulsive planner type and suddenly events happened with Squishy's job that made me question our long term financial future. To put it mildly, I freaked the heck out. But after a few days, I feel in a much better place. Maybe even better than I was before the scary events because I'm in a much deeper place of gratitude.
When I was freaking out on Monday, I did something that I don't think I have ever done: I turned to my dad for guidance first. I usually go to my mom (the 'rents have never been together in my lifetime), but this time, within minutes, I was firing off an e-mail to my dad. God bless that man... he e-mailed me back almost instantly, and e-mailed several times over the course of the next few days to follow up. And on Thursday (the same crappy Thursday above), he left me a voice mail message in which he told me he loved me twice in about 30 seconds. It made a world of difference to me.
Some big lessons/reminders that came out of this week: on our very worst day, Squishy and I still have each other. I take that for granted A LOT. I take him for granted A LOT. But the fact is that life is always going to have struggles, but I am so very thankful that during all of the struggles, I have him as my co-captain. We have an incredibly amazing and healthy son. Squirt is a lot of things right now at 2 1/2.... stubborn being the first one that comes to mine. But he is healthy and he is here and he is ours. As I type, the tears start as I think about the friends who don't have that.
I've mentioned it before, but I find great comfort in counting my blessings. Some days I have to start with the very basics: clean air and water. I heard that song "and I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free" the other day. I'm not super uber patriotic and "Go America," but I am completely thankful for the things we have in this country that we so often take for granted. The song says something about how if you woke up and had absolutely nothing but your spouse and kids, you would be thankful to be in America, where starting over is possible.
Sorry this is kind of an all-over the place post... I'm just kind of feeling all over the place inside. It is hard coping with struggles and trying to remain focused on the positives and the basics.
And now, I'm going to get off the computer and go snuggle with that amazing husband of mine and whisper in his ear just how truly appreciative I am of him.
My heart is just overwhelmed right now. A friend lost her husband who was deployed last weekend. Kind of just feels like a punch to the gut. As wives, we do our best to prepare ourselves, but I just want to run to her and hold her tight. And a co-workers daughter recently got told she has cancer. And the father of two dear friends is in the hospital... this man was a primary male role model for me for many years and my heart is breaking for my "brother and sister," who have enough on their plate. There is so much bad and sad in the world, that I find myself completely unable to tolerate people who are negative about minor things.
Things were pretty stressful in our house this week and I know it was a combination of stress from the move/overtiredness/and illness. I was very crabby and negative must of the week. I've learned that when I'm in a that kind of mood, I tend to attract more negative things into my life. Or I notice the bad things more. And I let them impact me more. For example, on Thursday, I stopped by the store to buy a get well card for the above mentioned daughter with cancer. Debit card got declined. WHAT?!? It seriously put me in a funk the rest of the day, even after I logged onto our account and got it squared away (we have overdraft protection, so no harm, no foul). It was just a simple mistake since I have been distracted, but I let it eat away at me.
My point is, we all have bad days. We are all allowed bad days. But the key here is "DAYS." I'm so over the people who just complain. I'm tempted to go through my facebook account and if you haven't said anything positive in your last three status updates... DELETE.
Like I said, this week was pretty rough for me. I'm a compulsive planner type and suddenly events happened with Squishy's job that made me question our long term financial future. To put it mildly, I freaked the heck out. But after a few days, I feel in a much better place. Maybe even better than I was before the scary events because I'm in a much deeper place of gratitude.
When I was freaking out on Monday, I did something that I don't think I have ever done: I turned to my dad for guidance first. I usually go to my mom (the 'rents have never been together in my lifetime), but this time, within minutes, I was firing off an e-mail to my dad. God bless that man... he e-mailed me back almost instantly, and e-mailed several times over the course of the next few days to follow up. And on Thursday (the same crappy Thursday above), he left me a voice mail message in which he told me he loved me twice in about 30 seconds. It made a world of difference to me.
Some big lessons/reminders that came out of this week: on our very worst day, Squishy and I still have each other. I take that for granted A LOT. I take him for granted A LOT. But the fact is that life is always going to have struggles, but I am so very thankful that during all of the struggles, I have him as my co-captain. We have an incredibly amazing and healthy son. Squirt is a lot of things right now at 2 1/2.... stubborn being the first one that comes to mine. But he is healthy and he is here and he is ours. As I type, the tears start as I think about the friends who don't have that.
I've mentioned it before, but I find great comfort in counting my blessings. Some days I have to start with the very basics: clean air and water. I heard that song "and I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free" the other day. I'm not super uber patriotic and "Go America," but I am completely thankful for the things we have in this country that we so often take for granted. The song says something about how if you woke up and had absolutely nothing but your spouse and kids, you would be thankful to be in America, where starting over is possible.
Sorry this is kind of an all-over the place post... I'm just kind of feeling all over the place inside. It is hard coping with struggles and trying to remain focused on the positives and the basics.
And now, I'm going to get off the computer and go snuggle with that amazing husband of mine and whisper in his ear just how truly appreciative I am of him.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Letting Go
So we bought a house. Super duper excited for this. Unfortunately, in the packing process I'm once again confronted with "baby stuff." I've held on to it since Squirt outgrew it, thinking/hoping/knowing that he'd be a big brother soon. But after 2 disruptions, I'm finding myself letting go of the idea.
I just couldn't bring myself to pack it all up and move it. I didn't know where in the new place I would put it either. Truth is, everytime I look at it, I mourn for Zac.
And so, I am donating it all. I hate that I'm wasting a lot of money and that some of it was gifts to Zac, but I really just can't stand to see it. I figure that maybe items that are bringing me pain can bring joy to someone else.
The realtor was amazed at how efficient I was during the whole process, and I explained to her that it is easy for me to follow orders. If only everything in my life could come with such explicit instructions...
With the move, and it being nearly a year since we got our homestudy completed, we need to update a bunch of security clearances and get a new home visit. It all means time and money. I'm losing my faith. I'm holding on because Squishy still is and I don't have anything against being a mom again, but if he came to me tomorrow and said "I'm okay with Squirt being an only child," I think I would breathe a sigh of relief at this point.
I used to stress about the idea of a hospital call... the "a baby was born, you have 24 hours to come get him/her," because I didn't know how to start planning for that. Now, that is what I hope for. I feel like it would just be a billion times easier on my heart right now to just have that chaos for a few weeks and then bring home a baby, then to get matched again and then just wait. If I was worried about being distant with birth mom #2 after getting burned by the Zac situation, I really don't know what I emotionally have to offer birth mom #3. "Once bitten, twice shy," but what about twice bitten? Scared for life?
This whole process has left me feeling extremely powerless. I feel like walking away would at least be our decision... something we can control.
And meanwhile more and more friends are getting pregnant and having babies. It is such a mixed set of emotions... to be so completely happy for them... especially the first time parents... and yet to be so... jealous? Is that what I am? Am I jealous? I feel like jealousy is such an ugly emotion, but maybe that's what I am. And I just feel guilty, because while I have this amazing toddler, I know there are still so many friends and family struggling to become parents for the first time.... am I being selfish wanting another?
I just couldn't bring myself to pack it all up and move it. I didn't know where in the new place I would put it either. Truth is, everytime I look at it, I mourn for Zac.
And so, I am donating it all. I hate that I'm wasting a lot of money and that some of it was gifts to Zac, but I really just can't stand to see it. I figure that maybe items that are bringing me pain can bring joy to someone else.
The realtor was amazed at how efficient I was during the whole process, and I explained to her that it is easy for me to follow orders. If only everything in my life could come with such explicit instructions...
With the move, and it being nearly a year since we got our homestudy completed, we need to update a bunch of security clearances and get a new home visit. It all means time and money. I'm losing my faith. I'm holding on because Squishy still is and I don't have anything against being a mom again, but if he came to me tomorrow and said "I'm okay with Squirt being an only child," I think I would breathe a sigh of relief at this point.
I used to stress about the idea of a hospital call... the "a baby was born, you have 24 hours to come get him/her," because I didn't know how to start planning for that. Now, that is what I hope for. I feel like it would just be a billion times easier on my heart right now to just have that chaos for a few weeks and then bring home a baby, then to get matched again and then just wait. If I was worried about being distant with birth mom #2 after getting burned by the Zac situation, I really don't know what I emotionally have to offer birth mom #3. "Once bitten, twice shy," but what about twice bitten? Scared for life?
This whole process has left me feeling extremely powerless. I feel like walking away would at least be our decision... something we can control.
And meanwhile more and more friends are getting pregnant and having babies. It is such a mixed set of emotions... to be so completely happy for them... especially the first time parents... and yet to be so... jealous? Is that what I am? Am I jealous? I feel like jealousy is such an ugly emotion, but maybe that's what I am. And I just feel guilty, because while I have this amazing toddler, I know there are still so many friends and family struggling to become parents for the first time.... am I being selfish wanting another?
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Prayers
Talking about God is kind of a touchy subject in our house. Squishy and I have differing beliefs, so what I type here is simply my opinion, not ours as a couple.
I used to think that if God didn't make things happen the way you wanted them to that He didn't care. I selfishly and ignorantly assume that I knew what was best. It has taken a lot of years for me to come to a place (and believe me, I still struggle) with recognizing that Garth Brooks was right when he sang "some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."
Upon the advice of the adoption agency, we have decided not to move forward with the match. Basically, the birth mom was showing indications of planning to parent. All of our money will be returned and we are once again active, waiting for a match. We told less people this time, and I think by the time we finally get a kiddo, we won't even tell each other!
I sent up a lot of prayers to God about this match. Squishy and I had made the decision that if this baby was born and we didn't get to bring her home that we were going to stop trying. I had meant for God to make sure I got to bring that little girl home, but He knows best. I'm glad that we know now, before we devoted months in getting to know the birth mom and prepping for a baby.
I have to believe with my whole heart that I am meant to be a mommy again. I'm not sure why we are having such a hard time (my mom asked "does this agency ever have successful placements?'), but I'm sure that it is all happening for a reason.
Thank you all for your continued love and support.
I used to think that if God didn't make things happen the way you wanted them to that He didn't care. I selfishly and ignorantly assume that I knew what was best. It has taken a lot of years for me to come to a place (and believe me, I still struggle) with recognizing that Garth Brooks was right when he sang "some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."
Upon the advice of the adoption agency, we have decided not to move forward with the match. Basically, the birth mom was showing indications of planning to parent. All of our money will be returned and we are once again active, waiting for a match. We told less people this time, and I think by the time we finally get a kiddo, we won't even tell each other!
I sent up a lot of prayers to God about this match. Squishy and I had made the decision that if this baby was born and we didn't get to bring her home that we were going to stop trying. I had meant for God to make sure I got to bring that little girl home, but He knows best. I'm glad that we know now, before we devoted months in getting to know the birth mom and prepping for a baby.
I have to believe with my whole heart that I am meant to be a mommy again. I'm not sure why we are having such a hard time (my mom asked "does this agency ever have successful placements?'), but I'm sure that it is all happening for a reason.
Thank you all for your continued love and support.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Perspective
The last few days I have been in a good place regarding the adoption.
For those that haven't heard, we have been matched again. Please don't make a big deal out of it, since we are keeping it on the down-low. We made such a big deal out of Zac and that got our hearts broken, so this time, we are just trying to go on with our lives. Once bitten, twice shy. If this placement is successful, we will have a whole lifetime to get excited and celebrate.
Meanwhile, we have been in contact with an adoption support group here in town. They meet monthly during the school year and have speakers/panels about various topics. I was able to meet one-on-one with the woman who is organizing the group and I am very thankful and excited to have connect with them. Our first meeting will be in April, when we get to hear from adults that have been adopted. It sounds like the group is a good mix of people who have adopted and who are thinking about and/or trying to adopt, like us. There is also a good mix of foster to adoptions, international, domestic, and private adoptions. I think that long term, it will be really important for us as a family to have connections with other families with adoption experience to help us through some of the unique challenges.
Currently, we have a video camera from the agency that we are using to make a video for our profile. Even though we have been matched again, we were encouraged to still move forward with the video, either to show the birth mom or to put on our profile if we are once again disrupted. Basically we shoot a bunch of footage of us being us and then the agency makes it into a 3 minute video. It is pretty strange since I don't really consider us all that super excited. "Here is us reading books," "here is us at the park." We have the camera until the beginning of April, so I'm trying to plot fun things to film. We have an Easter Egg Hunt coming up at work. And Squirt will start swim lessons the first weekend in April. I just saw on tv that there is a Dinosaur Train event (with a special appearance by Buddy) next weekend, so I might have to drag the family on a road trip for that! The Hubby is going out of town this week for work, so I'm making him take the camera too. I know WHY they are having families make these videos, but honestly, I just feel so uncomfortable on film!
I mentioned work in the above paragraph... I've started working a few days a week at a Mothers Day Out program. It is nice to get out of the house, and make a little money, plus I get to take Squirt with me. I'm a teacher in the 2 & 3 year old classroom. Love the kids! And my co-workers! Very thankful for this opportunity.
When we aren't working, Squishy and I have started house hunting. So exciting and scary! Are we really grown-up enough to buy a house?!? Thanks to pinterest (and basically renting for the last 13 years), I am soooo excited to paint, plant a garden, decorate. We found a couple that we are really interested in, and go back out there tomorrow. Sunny & Squishy: Homeowners. EEK!
Alright, time to get off the computer and clean up the house a bit. I'm hosting our MOPS steering committee meeting this morning. Which means I could have an extra 5 kids and 5 adults coming over in a couple of hours.
Love to you all!
For those that haven't heard, we have been matched again. Please don't make a big deal out of it, since we are keeping it on the down-low. We made such a big deal out of Zac and that got our hearts broken, so this time, we are just trying to go on with our lives. Once bitten, twice shy. If this placement is successful, we will have a whole lifetime to get excited and celebrate.
Meanwhile, we have been in contact with an adoption support group here in town. They meet monthly during the school year and have speakers/panels about various topics. I was able to meet one-on-one with the woman who is organizing the group and I am very thankful and excited to have connect with them. Our first meeting will be in April, when we get to hear from adults that have been adopted. It sounds like the group is a good mix of people who have adopted and who are thinking about and/or trying to adopt, like us. There is also a good mix of foster to adoptions, international, domestic, and private adoptions. I think that long term, it will be really important for us as a family to have connections with other families with adoption experience to help us through some of the unique challenges.
Currently, we have a video camera from the agency that we are using to make a video for our profile. Even though we have been matched again, we were encouraged to still move forward with the video, either to show the birth mom or to put on our profile if we are once again disrupted. Basically we shoot a bunch of footage of us being us and then the agency makes it into a 3 minute video. It is pretty strange since I don't really consider us all that super excited. "Here is us reading books," "here is us at the park." We have the camera until the beginning of April, so I'm trying to plot fun things to film. We have an Easter Egg Hunt coming up at work. And Squirt will start swim lessons the first weekend in April. I just saw on tv that there is a Dinosaur Train event (with a special appearance by Buddy) next weekend, so I might have to drag the family on a road trip for that! The Hubby is going out of town this week for work, so I'm making him take the camera too. I know WHY they are having families make these videos, but honestly, I just feel so uncomfortable on film!
I mentioned work in the above paragraph... I've started working a few days a week at a Mothers Day Out program. It is nice to get out of the house, and make a little money, plus I get to take Squirt with me. I'm a teacher in the 2 & 3 year old classroom. Love the kids! And my co-workers! Very thankful for this opportunity.
When we aren't working, Squishy and I have started house hunting. So exciting and scary! Are we really grown-up enough to buy a house?!? Thanks to pinterest (and basically renting for the last 13 years), I am soooo excited to paint, plant a garden, decorate. We found a couple that we are really interested in, and go back out there tomorrow. Sunny & Squishy: Homeowners. EEK!
Alright, time to get off the computer and clean up the house a bit. I'm hosting our MOPS steering committee meeting this morning. Which means I could have an extra 5 kids and 5 adults coming over in a couple of hours.
Love to you all!
Monday, March 19, 2012
Monday
Sorry that it has been a little while. I've been living a lot "in my head" the past few weeks.
I am trying to move forward, but still feeling so betrayed. I'm trying to balance wanting what is best for Zac with being oh-so-angry at his birth parents. And I'm trying to come to peace with what has happened and what we have lost.
I want to close my eyes and forget that any of this ever happened, just wipe the slate clean. But I also want to remember every second and detail of loving that little baby.
Mostly, I'm just trying to stay busy so that it doesn't hurt.
I am trying to move forward, but still feeling so betrayed. I'm trying to balance wanting what is best for Zac with being oh-so-angry at his birth parents. And I'm trying to come to peace with what has happened and what we have lost.
I want to close my eyes and forget that any of this ever happened, just wipe the slate clean. But I also want to remember every second and detail of loving that little baby.
Mostly, I'm just trying to stay busy so that it doesn't hurt.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Tattoo
I knew early in the adoption process that I was going to get a tattoo for our second kiddo. I have a turtle with his name and birth date for Squirt, so it made sense to get one for baby #2. Since we took to calling our adoption dream "Spud," I imagined a Mr. (or Mrs.) Potato Head.
I can't tell you how many times between November 3 when we got the call until January 4 when I put him back in his father's arms I pictured where I would put the Mr. Potato Head and "Zachary John" and what font. When he was born on Christmas, I thought it would be cute to do a Santa hat.
But when we gave him back, that tattoo no longer seemed right. He wasn't our Spud. Still a hard pill to swallow. Trying to figure out how to move on with the dream of Spud, our adopted child, and still honor this baby boy who was completely loved and perfect.
Squishy and I decided pretty quickly that we still wanted to get tats for our second son. A few weeks ago, he got kind of a gingerbread boy outline and the name Zac.
It has taken me a little bit longer to get mine though. Part of it is trying to find the time, and part of it is that tattoos hurt dang it. But the real reason is that I think I was still holding out hope that maybe, just maybe, they will call and say "it was a mistake, he really is yours." Or maybe, just maybe, I'd wake up and he'd be sleeping next to me and this would have all been a bad dream. But, once again, I have to face the fact that he isn't coming back.
And so tonight, I worked up the courage and got my tattoo. It is simple and small, but a reminder that for a brief and shining moment, I was a mommy of 2. And it carries the hope that I will be again. The dream of Spud 2.0 lives on.
Meanwhile, this evening my college BFF and my grad school BFF both gave birth to baby boy's. They have never met, though I think they would get along smashingly, and were both due on the same day next week. This is baby #2 for both of them. Congratulations my loves! And give those babies lots of kisses from me!
***
It is going to hurt for a long time. My heart will never completely heal; there will always be a Zac shaped hole. But it will be okay.
I can't tell you how many times between November 3 when we got the call until January 4 when I put him back in his father's arms I pictured where I would put the Mr. Potato Head and "Zachary John" and what font. When he was born on Christmas, I thought it would be cute to do a Santa hat.
But when we gave him back, that tattoo no longer seemed right. He wasn't our Spud. Still a hard pill to swallow. Trying to figure out how to move on with the dream of Spud, our adopted child, and still honor this baby boy who was completely loved and perfect.
Squishy and I decided pretty quickly that we still wanted to get tats for our second son. A few weeks ago, he got kind of a gingerbread boy outline and the name Zac.
It has taken me a little bit longer to get mine though. Part of it is trying to find the time, and part of it is that tattoos hurt dang it. But the real reason is that I think I was still holding out hope that maybe, just maybe, they will call and say "it was a mistake, he really is yours." Or maybe, just maybe, I'd wake up and he'd be sleeping next to me and this would have all been a bad dream. But, once again, I have to face the fact that he isn't coming back.
And so tonight, I worked up the courage and got my tattoo. It is simple and small, but a reminder that for a brief and shining moment, I was a mommy of 2. And it carries the hope that I will be again. The dream of Spud 2.0 lives on.
Meanwhile, this evening my college BFF and my grad school BFF both gave birth to baby boy's. They have never met, though I think they would get along smashingly, and were both due on the same day next week. This is baby #2 for both of them. Congratulations my loves! And give those babies lots of kisses from me!
***
It is going to hurt for a long time. My heart will never completely heal; there will always be a Zac shaped hole. But it will be okay.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Apology
Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. I think I got kind of bored with the 30 day challenge. Somehow "bullet point your day" just doesn't inspire me. I think the creators should have started out with those topics before going into "tell us about the time you wanted to take your own life." My music preferences just seem kind of lame after talking about my first love.
The last few days have been internally interesting.
I've been watching the tv show "Ruby" on Netflix, and am just about done with the third season. Have you seen this show? It airs on the Style Network and is about a woman on a weight loss journey. She started at over 700 pounds and it deals with her eating disorder. I have long accepted that I have an eating disorder, and have made feeble attempts at working on it. I am a compulsive binge eater, which is an addiction, just like drugs or alcohol. The difference is, I can't abstain from food the way an alcoholic or drug addict can from their drug. I am also a co-dependent. There are many 12 step programs available, but it is very difficult to get "sober," since right now eating comforts me. It is a very sick cycle and one that I worry will eventually have a devastating impact on my health and lifestyle. So the last week or so, I have been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching on that topic.
Another thing that has been on my mind is how people deal with grief. Yesterday, Squishy volunteered at an event here in town. I didn't really know anything about the event or the organization sponsoring it, just that it was some sort of activity for kids with special needs. Squishy called a few minutes after arriving to tell me that the founder of the organization had personally invited Squirt and I to come attend. I was pretty hesitant at first (have I mentioned in this blog that I HATE NEW SITUATIONS AND THE UNKNOWN?), but I am so very thankful that I went.
Basically, the founder of the organization lost his son several years ago at the age of 6. Throughout his short life, the boy had been very sick and the family had struggled financially, as many families with medically fragile children do. So now, each year around his birthday, they basically through a birthday party/fundraiser. The birthday party element includes bowling, video games, mini golf and such for kids, both with special needs and without. The fundraiser part raises money to be distributed to other families that need help with children. How amazing is that? To turn a difficult thing like losing your child into not only a celebration for other kids but also a way to give back to others left me truly in awe.
The last few days have been internally interesting.
I've been watching the tv show "Ruby" on Netflix, and am just about done with the third season. Have you seen this show? It airs on the Style Network and is about a woman on a weight loss journey. She started at over 700 pounds and it deals with her eating disorder. I have long accepted that I have an eating disorder, and have made feeble attempts at working on it. I am a compulsive binge eater, which is an addiction, just like drugs or alcohol. The difference is, I can't abstain from food the way an alcoholic or drug addict can from their drug. I am also a co-dependent. There are many 12 step programs available, but it is very difficult to get "sober," since right now eating comforts me. It is a very sick cycle and one that I worry will eventually have a devastating impact on my health and lifestyle. So the last week or so, I have been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching on that topic.
Another thing that has been on my mind is how people deal with grief. Yesterday, Squishy volunteered at an event here in town. I didn't really know anything about the event or the organization sponsoring it, just that it was some sort of activity for kids with special needs. Squishy called a few minutes after arriving to tell me that the founder of the organization had personally invited Squirt and I to come attend. I was pretty hesitant at first (have I mentioned in this blog that I HATE NEW SITUATIONS AND THE UNKNOWN?), but I am so very thankful that I went.
Basically, the founder of the organization lost his son several years ago at the age of 6. Throughout his short life, the boy had been very sick and the family had struggled financially, as many families with medically fragile children do. So now, each year around his birthday, they basically through a birthday party/fundraiser. The birthday party element includes bowling, video games, mini golf and such for kids, both with special needs and without. The fundraiser part raises money to be distributed to other families that need help with children. How amazing is that? To turn a difficult thing like losing your child into not only a celebration for other kids but also a way to give back to others left me truly in awe.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Day 11: Music Shuffle
10 Random Songs from my music player
Tim McGraw "I Like It, I Love It."
I love country music and Tim is just such a favorite in the genre. I saw him in concert my senior (?) year of college and dang he put on a good show. I love the album "Tim McGraw and the Dance Hall Doctors."
Taylor Swift "Love Story"
I am super duper jealous of Taylor Swift. Pretty, talented, famous. This one isn't one of my favorites of her's, but it is cute enough. A lot of her music though cuts right to my heart, especially "Back to December."
John Mellencamp "Check It Out"
Being a midwestern girl, Mellencamp is a must for any playlist. This song holds more meaning to me as I get older, but it also brings back memories of home... it was the theme song for one of the local tv station's morning news program.
Van Halen "Jump"
This a catchy song, but my favorite of theirs is "Right Now." I'm glad that they are touring again, and I would love to see them. I know I am in the minority with this, but I am more Team Sammy.
Huey Lewis & The News "Back in Time"
If you grew up in the 80's, how can you not love Huey Lewis? This one is kind of cheeseball, but so are the Back to the Future movies, so it is all good. When Squishy and I were first dating, we talked about Huey Lewis and he brought over his cassette tapes. I don't think they've been moved from my music collection ever since. I think "Happy to be stuck with you" is a fitting song for our relationship.
3 Doors Down "Here Without You"
Awww, it is bittersweet that this one came up on my list. After we had been dating for a month, the Air Force sent Squishy away to Las Vegas for a month (I know, right, poor baby). It was weird to be away from him for that long, but it was such a blessing for our relationship. We became friends, since all we had was the phone, and it prepared us for deployments. During that month, this became our song.
Beach Boys "California Girls"
I lived in San Diego from about 2 1/2 to 7, thanks to my step-dad's military service. This song reminds me of that time and especially of my sister, K Liz, who was born there. If you don't love the Beach Boys, or at least appreciate them for the feel-good tunes, you should probably reconsider your friendship with me. My fave is def the uber silly "Kokomo."
Phil Collins "You'll be in my heart"
Yes, I love Phil Collins. Surprisingly, I'm not really a big Disney girl. This song, however, MAKES ME CRY... EVERYTIME! Especially now after everything with Zac. Oy! Okay, moving on.
Moody Blues "Nights in White Satin"
Oh the Moodies! When I was a kid on road trips I would have my mom put in her Moody Blues tape because it made me fall asleep. In college, I finally gave them a chance and FELL IN LOVE. Wow! We've seen them in concert together twice. Amazing how good music endures... the stories are still as relevant today as they were in the 60's.
Shakira "Hips Don't Lie"
I am a completely horrible dancer, yet that has never stopped me. The right song and I'm dancing all over the place.
Tim McGraw "I Like It, I Love It."
I love country music and Tim is just such a favorite in the genre. I saw him in concert my senior (?) year of college and dang he put on a good show. I love the album "Tim McGraw and the Dance Hall Doctors."
Taylor Swift "Love Story"
I am super duper jealous of Taylor Swift. Pretty, talented, famous. This one isn't one of my favorites of her's, but it is cute enough. A lot of her music though cuts right to my heart, especially "Back to December."
John Mellencamp "Check It Out"
Being a midwestern girl, Mellencamp is a must for any playlist. This song holds more meaning to me as I get older, but it also brings back memories of home... it was the theme song for one of the local tv station's morning news program.
Van Halen "Jump"
This a catchy song, but my favorite of theirs is "Right Now." I'm glad that they are touring again, and I would love to see them. I know I am in the minority with this, but I am more Team Sammy.
Huey Lewis & The News "Back in Time"
If you grew up in the 80's, how can you not love Huey Lewis? This one is kind of cheeseball, but so are the Back to the Future movies, so it is all good. When Squishy and I were first dating, we talked about Huey Lewis and he brought over his cassette tapes. I don't think they've been moved from my music collection ever since. I think "Happy to be stuck with you" is a fitting song for our relationship.
3 Doors Down "Here Without You"
Awww, it is bittersweet that this one came up on my list. After we had been dating for a month, the Air Force sent Squishy away to Las Vegas for a month (I know, right, poor baby). It was weird to be away from him for that long, but it was such a blessing for our relationship. We became friends, since all we had was the phone, and it prepared us for deployments. During that month, this became our song.
Beach Boys "California Girls"
I lived in San Diego from about 2 1/2 to 7, thanks to my step-dad's military service. This song reminds me of that time and especially of my sister, K Liz, who was born there. If you don't love the Beach Boys, or at least appreciate them for the feel-good tunes, you should probably reconsider your friendship with me. My fave is def the uber silly "Kokomo."
Phil Collins "You'll be in my heart"
Yes, I love Phil Collins. Surprisingly, I'm not really a big Disney girl. This song, however, MAKES ME CRY... EVERYTIME! Especially now after everything with Zac. Oy! Okay, moving on.
Moody Blues "Nights in White Satin"
Oh the Moodies! When I was a kid on road trips I would have my mom put in her Moody Blues tape because it made me fall asleep. In college, I finally gave them a chance and FELL IN LOVE. Wow! We've seen them in concert together twice. Amazing how good music endures... the stories are still as relevant today as they were in the 60's.
Shakira "Hips Don't Lie"
I am a completely horrible dancer, yet that has never stopped me. The right song and I'm dancing all over the place.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Day 10: First Love and First Kiss
When I saw that this was going to be one of the topics for blogging, I kind of cringed.
First of all, my first kiss was at the age of 17 and totally lame (though at the time I felt on top of the world). I'd prefer to leave that memory buried deep in the recesses of my brain, if you don't mind.
Now, first love. This is a little tougher. What counts? The first time I thought I was in love? The first time I told a boy I loved him? The first time I told a boy and he told me back? Or the first time I was really truly in love?
The first time I thought I was in love I was probably a whole hot 13 years old. I've always really been kind of boy crazy and had bunches of crushes. My journals from my pre-teen and teen years were filled with "xoxo" and dreams of story-book romance. Yet, I didn't actually date until I was out of high school.
I don't know who I first confessed my love to, but I have the icky-feeling-in-my-stomach assumption that it was this boy I was obsessed with throughout high school. God bless his soul, he is one of my dearest friends now and he and his wife (whom I've also known forever) are one of those amazing couples that were just made for each other.
I dated several guys between high school and meeting Squishy that I think I probably thought I loved, and maybe even said as much. Looking back, I think it was more that I wanted them to fall in love with me. All I really imagined about love was that it was about sunshine and happiness, having a partner. I didn't really think about how loving someone means accepting that sometimes it is going to suck.
Squishy and I have been married almost 8 years now and in that time, I have come to realize that love is not a stagnate thing. When you say "I love you," it more means, "I love you now and I want to keep falling in love with you every day forever and ever." The more I learn about Squishy and see him in action, the more experiences (good and bad) that we share together, the more I fall in love with him. The more I see that I couldn't be me without him. And I realize that I have never felt this way, this "love" thing with anyone else.
First of all, my first kiss was at the age of 17 and totally lame (though at the time I felt on top of the world). I'd prefer to leave that memory buried deep in the recesses of my brain, if you don't mind.
Now, first love. This is a little tougher. What counts? The first time I thought I was in love? The first time I told a boy I loved him? The first time I told a boy and he told me back? Or the first time I was really truly in love?
The first time I thought I was in love I was probably a whole hot 13 years old. I've always really been kind of boy crazy and had bunches of crushes. My journals from my pre-teen and teen years were filled with "xoxo" and dreams of story-book romance. Yet, I didn't actually date until I was out of high school.
I don't know who I first confessed my love to, but I have the icky-feeling-in-my-stomach assumption that it was this boy I was obsessed with throughout high school. God bless his soul, he is one of my dearest friends now and he and his wife (whom I've also known forever) are one of those amazing couples that were just made for each other.
I dated several guys between high school and meeting Squishy that I think I probably thought I loved, and maybe even said as much. Looking back, I think it was more that I wanted them to fall in love with me. All I really imagined about love was that it was about sunshine and happiness, having a partner. I didn't really think about how loving someone means accepting that sometimes it is going to suck.
Squishy and I have been married almost 8 years now and in that time, I have come to realize that love is not a stagnate thing. When you say "I love you," it more means, "I love you now and I want to keep falling in love with you every day forever and ever." The more I learn about Squishy and see him in action, the more experiences (good and bad) that we share together, the more I fall in love with him. The more I see that I couldn't be me without him. And I realize that I have never felt this way, this "love" thing with anyone else.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Day 9: Back to the Future
Just a few days ago I typed about how I imagine my life in 10 years, and I really don't know if I have much to add for "how I imagine my future." I think I mostly just want to keep on this path and keep experiencing life to the fullest. That means appreciating the little joys and recognizing that sometimes life sucks and is going to hurt A LOT.
Of course there is a part of me that hopes I get drop-dead gorgeous, write an international best-seller, get my doctorate and change the course of education, and get to have an approved by Squishy life-time love affair with Peyton Manning.
I think the past 30 years have taught me that I need to not plan or imagine my life too much. Lord knows the plans I have for myself rarely unfold. 15 years ago I was all set to be a lawyer, consumed with my career, and maybe having a family. 10 years ago, I was in college, with no clue what I wanted to be, but convinced I would be a career woman, and maybe have a family. 5 years ago I had a career plan and was married, and desperately wanting a family, but had no plans to do the stay at home mom thing. And now look at me! The idea of having a career and all that being successful requires has zero appeal to me; I'm beyond thrilled that I get to spend all my time with Squirt. Right now I can't imagine changing anything, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?
Of course there is a part of me that hopes I get drop-dead gorgeous, write an international best-seller, get my doctorate and change the course of education, and get to have an approved by Squishy life-time love affair with Peyton Manning.
I think the past 30 years have taught me that I need to not plan or imagine my life too much. Lord knows the plans I have for myself rarely unfold. 15 years ago I was all set to be a lawyer, consumed with my career, and maybe having a family. 10 years ago, I was in college, with no clue what I wanted to be, but convinced I would be a career woman, and maybe have a family. 5 years ago I had a career plan and was married, and desperately wanting a family, but had no plans to do the stay at home mom thing. And now look at me! The idea of having a career and all that being successful requires has zero appeal to me; I'm beyond thrilled that I get to spend all my time with Squirt. Right now I can't imagine changing anything, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Day 8: I can't get no satisfaction...
... though I try, and I try.
Sorry for the random song distraction. Love me some Rolling Stones.
Anywho, today's topic is about a time in my life when I felt the most satisfied. For this moment, we have to travel back in time (about 12 years) and across the globe.
My freshmen year of high school, the district welcomed a new teacher, Ms. D. She had started her adult life in the business world and then decided to go into teaching. It was her first year and she just really made such a difference in my life. While I was blessed to have many teachers that really cared about their students, Ms. D will always have a special place in my heart.
For 3 1/2 years (I graduated high school) I saw her every school day. Early in French 1 it was clear that I was never going to master the language, but she made the class so engaging and fun that I kept at it.
Then she had the crazy idea to take a group of students to France!
For some schools, trips out of the country might not be a big deal, but for us and our school it was HUGE! Getting the school board approval, fundraising, getting passports, all the planning. It consumed probably a year of Ms. D's life and also the lives of the 8 of us that went on the trip.
My memories of that trip are so strange... some moments are so incredibly vivid that it feels like yesterday. And other chunks are so foggy that it doesn't even seem like I lived through it. We spent several days touring Paris, then several days divided up among host families, and then several more days as tourist.
My most satisfied life moment comes from our first few days in Paris, when we visited the Eiffel Tower. While the Eiffel Tower really isn't very representative of what France is, I think that it is probably the most recognized symbol of France... the place that characters in love stories dream of visiting.
The Eiffel Tower had three viewing decks at the time; I'm not sure if the system has changed since our visit. You can pay and ride an elevator straight to the top or you can save money and get some exercise and walk up stairs to the first two levels and then take the elevator to the top, which is what we did. All those stairs, all the laughter. A quick elevator ride and then we were on top of the world.
Even now typing it and reflecting, I get chills about that experience. I had just turned 18, wasn't from a real fancy family or town... I didn't really feel like anybody special. But there I was... at the top of the Eiffel Tower in freakin' Paris, France!
The feelings of accomplishment, the satisfaction of knowing I had set my mind to something and done it. At that point in my life, nothing seriously bad had happened and I had the whole world stretched out in front of me. I was unstoppable. Life was good!
That moment has stayed with me and led to my collection of Eiffel Towers (or "all that France stuff," as a 6 year old girl once commented). I even have a giant Eiffel Tower tat on my back.
Sorry for the random song distraction. Love me some Rolling Stones.
Anywho, today's topic is about a time in my life when I felt the most satisfied. For this moment, we have to travel back in time (about 12 years) and across the globe.
My freshmen year of high school, the district welcomed a new teacher, Ms. D. She had started her adult life in the business world and then decided to go into teaching. It was her first year and she just really made such a difference in my life. While I was blessed to have many teachers that really cared about their students, Ms. D will always have a special place in my heart.
For 3 1/2 years (I graduated high school) I saw her every school day. Early in French 1 it was clear that I was never going to master the language, but she made the class so engaging and fun that I kept at it.
Then she had the crazy idea to take a group of students to France!
For some schools, trips out of the country might not be a big deal, but for us and our school it was HUGE! Getting the school board approval, fundraising, getting passports, all the planning. It consumed probably a year of Ms. D's life and also the lives of the 8 of us that went on the trip.
My memories of that trip are so strange... some moments are so incredibly vivid that it feels like yesterday. And other chunks are so foggy that it doesn't even seem like I lived through it. We spent several days touring Paris, then several days divided up among host families, and then several more days as tourist.
My most satisfied life moment comes from our first few days in Paris, when we visited the Eiffel Tower. While the Eiffel Tower really isn't very representative of what France is, I think that it is probably the most recognized symbol of France... the place that characters in love stories dream of visiting.
The Eiffel Tower had three viewing decks at the time; I'm not sure if the system has changed since our visit. You can pay and ride an elevator straight to the top or you can save money and get some exercise and walk up stairs to the first two levels and then take the elevator to the top, which is what we did. All those stairs, all the laughter. A quick elevator ride and then we were on top of the world.
Even now typing it and reflecting, I get chills about that experience. I had just turned 18, wasn't from a real fancy family or town... I didn't really feel like anybody special. But there I was... at the top of the Eiffel Tower in freakin' Paris, France!
The feelings of accomplishment, the satisfaction of knowing I had set my mind to something and done it. At that point in my life, nothing seriously bad had happened and I had the whole world stretched out in front of me. I was unstoppable. Life was good!
That moment has stayed with me and led to my collection of Eiffel Towers (or "all that France stuff," as a 6 year old girl once commented). I even have a giant Eiffel Tower tat on my back.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Day 7: Zodiac
I'm an Aries and while I don't read my horoscope on a regular basis, I am interested in how astrology works.
Today's topic is to look at my zodiac sign and see how well if fits my personality.
I started out by just googling "all about aries" and found this.Overall, I really think I am a pretty typical Aries.
This line especially describes me: They welcome challenges and will not be diverted from their purpose except by their own impatience, which will surface if they don't get quick results.
My mom always says that I can do anything I set my mind too. One of the areas in my life that doesn't hold true for is my weight, and often times I quit a perfectly good plan simply because I don't end up being 150 pounds overnight.
I am very, Very, VERY impatient. Wishy washy people/situations are sooooo frustrating to me. Just make up your damn mind. There are pros and cons to everything, so just make a decision and lets move forward.
The website I think has a pretty accurate description of my selfishness, both positive and negative, and my interactions with other people. I am very much a "I'll just do it myself" type. My in-laws tell me on a regular basis how independent I am. That's good when handling things like Squishy's deployments, but it can be really bad when people try to help and I lose patience.
Another part of my personality that the Aries definition accurately describes is my straightforwardness. Again, this can be both good and bad. I'd say 99% of time, you know EXACTLY how I feel about you or a situation. I wear my heart on my sleeve and really have no poker face. I think people are either drawn to me for this reason or repulsed by it. Several years ago, I was working with a woman and we got along pretty well, but we weren't super close. One day at a restaurant, she started talking about how she wanted to go on an intense low-carb diet (I believe it required eating only nuts and eggs) to jump start her diet. Most people in this situation would have just smiled and nodded. Not me: I straight up told her I thought this was a bad idea. Most people would have hated me after that, but thankfully she appreciated my candor and is now one of my dearest friends.
One of my favorite parts of astrology is to see how my personality relates to those who share my birthday. If astrology is to be believed, I should share a pretty deep similarity with these folks. In junior high I met a girl who shared my birthday. At the time, I didn't think we could be anymore different... she was Miss Popular and I was, um, not. But in the last couple of years (thank you facebook) she and I have gotten to know each other as adults and it is funny how alike our personalities and views of the world are.
Today's topic is to look at my zodiac sign and see how well if fits my personality.
I started out by just googling "all about aries" and found this.Overall, I really think I am a pretty typical Aries.
This line especially describes me: They welcome challenges and will not be diverted from their purpose except by their own impatience, which will surface if they don't get quick results.
My mom always says that I can do anything I set my mind too. One of the areas in my life that doesn't hold true for is my weight, and often times I quit a perfectly good plan simply because I don't end up being 150 pounds overnight.
I am very, Very, VERY impatient. Wishy washy people/situations are sooooo frustrating to me. Just make up your damn mind. There are pros and cons to everything, so just make a decision and lets move forward.
The website I think has a pretty accurate description of my selfishness, both positive and negative, and my interactions with other people. I am very much a "I'll just do it myself" type. My in-laws tell me on a regular basis how independent I am. That's good when handling things like Squishy's deployments, but it can be really bad when people try to help and I lose patience.
Another part of my personality that the Aries definition accurately describes is my straightforwardness. Again, this can be both good and bad. I'd say 99% of time, you know EXACTLY how I feel about you or a situation. I wear my heart on my sleeve and really have no poker face. I think people are either drawn to me for this reason or repulsed by it. Several years ago, I was working with a woman and we got along pretty well, but we weren't super close. One day at a restaurant, she started talking about how she wanted to go on an intense low-carb diet (I believe it required eating only nuts and eggs) to jump start her diet. Most people in this situation would have just smiled and nodded. Not me: I straight up told her I thought this was a bad idea. Most people would have hated me after that, but thankfully she appreciated my candor and is now one of my dearest friends.
One of my favorite parts of astrology is to see how my personality relates to those who share my birthday. If astrology is to be believed, I should share a pretty deep similarity with these folks. In junior high I met a girl who shared my birthday. At the time, I didn't think we could be anymore different... she was Miss Popular and I was, um, not. But in the last couple of years (thank you facebook) she and I have gotten to know each other as adults and it is funny how alike our personalities and views of the world are.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Day 6: 30 Facts About Moi
1. I started this entry by numbering my blog 1-30, just like I used to number my paper before a test in school.
2. I miss school. I started working on my doctorate through a mostly on-line program, but I think that I need the actual interaction/going to class component.
3. I would really love for someone to just give me a complete make-over... tell me the best hair cut and color, which make-up is the best for my face, and help me find all the right clothes.
4. I've had 4 cars in my driving life (14 years)... an acclaim that I bought from my grandpa, a used Saturn, a Kia Rio, and now a mini-van. I'm not really a "car" person... if it gets me and all my stuff from Point A to Point B safely, I'm happy.
5. I am so not a phone person. With the exception of my mom and my high school friends, I just am not good with on the phone chit-chat. So I apologize if you call me and I seem distant or in a hurry to get off the phone. I promise it's not you, it's me.
6. Speaking of my high school friends: they are still some of the coolest people I know. I'd love to move into a house with them (or a commune!) and film a reality show.
7. People like to comment that I am a fast reader. After reading a book, I can tell you the main points and such, but am crappy about remembering little details. This makes rereading books good, but makes school/text books really difficult.
8. I am always in the process of reading at least 1 book (usually more like 3 or 4). If you are ever stuck on what kind of gift to buy me: books, gift cards to book stores, or Amazon Kindle credits will never disappoint.
9. There are just so many books in the world that I want to read, and sometimes I feel guilty doing it, but re-reading an old favorite can just be extremely pleasurable.
10. For stress relief, there is no substitute for a hot bath. Whenever I design my "dream" home in my head, I always start with the bathroom, with a giant whirlpool tub.
11. I always have one hard-core celebrity crush. In the past it has been Chris O'Donnell and Josh Hartnet. Currently, Peyton Manning has my heart.
12. Ha! Just remembered that it was a list with a similar subject that I used to announce my pregnancy on facebook back in early 2009.
13. I really want to move back to the midwest to be closer to family, however, after 5 1/2 years in Texas, I'm pretty sure I would have to hibernate in my house to survive winter.
14. I have HORRIBLE hand-eye coordination. I can SEE things just fine and I KNOW what to do, but making it happen isn't going to happen. This is why sports and crafts are beyond me, regardless of how much I practice or want to improve.
15. Number 14 is kind of a shame because I would love to be the stay at home mom who is super crafty... especially now that I have become addicted to Pinterest.
16. I'm proud of myself for finally reaching the age/maturity level that I can admit that I'm not crafty and not feel inferior to those who are.
17. By my own definition, I'm not a very good stay at home mom. The house usually looks pretty lived in, I suck at clipping/keeping up with coupons, the meals aren't fancy, and I surely don't look like June Cleaver all dolled up. I think it is going to be a life long struggle to let go of the perfectionist attitude and be okay with doing my best, while enjoying what is really at the heart of being a stay at home mom: my family.
18. I'm ashamed to admit that I have worn my wedding regularly since September because my fingers have gotten kind of fat. I can put the rings on, but by the end of the day, my fingers are so sausage like that the rings hurt.
19. I think that I'm going to go get my Zac tattoo this weekend. I've decided on just a small outline of a heart with his name in the middle, probably on my ankle.
20. I would love to have one more meal with my mom and grandparents around the dinner table in the house where I grew up. I don't think I appreciated those times enough, but those are some of my most comforting memories. I really hope my kids grow up with that same experience of connectedness.
21. Blake Shelton's song "The Baby," always makes me ball. It makes me think of my grandma. I've said it before, but she and I really are the same person, just 50 years apart. She and I get each other in a way I can't explain and being away from her is super sucky.
22. My favorite magazine is "People." It takes me just about one hour to read it from cover to cover. I recommend reading it as a study guide for anyone who plays trivia games in order to excel in the "pop culture" categories. (That includes you, Squishy!)
23. My awesome mother-in-law got me a subscription to O magazine and I love it, however, a lot of times, I think some of the ideas presented are wayyyy over my head. I try with every issue to read it from cover to cover and after nearly 2 years have yet to succeed. P.S. With O magazine, I ALWAYS read the last page/column first.
24. When Hubby and I were dating, we had this on-going competition with arcade game "Police Trainer." There was one in the Dairy Queen where we lived in Missouri and we always had to play. It has been years since I have seen one, but I have great memories of the game.
25. I need more friends to play board games with. If you live in the Big Country and enjoy board games, I am accepting applications. Farkle, Yahtzee, Settlers, Monopoly, Trivial Pursuit, Scrabble... you pick your poison.
26. I really, Really, REALLY want my own pool. I love being in the water. I feel like Michael Phelps. Regardless of how slow or uncoordinated I am, swimming makes me feel powerful and strong. And afterwards I feel super duper accomplished.
27. My favorite shirt is this black and white top that belonged to a friend. We were getting ready to go out for the night and the shirt I was wearing had random "I have a 2 year old" ick on it. We ran up to her room, she showed me the top that she never wore anymore and I fell in love. I would wear it every day if it was socially acceptable.
28. Owning my own home terrifies the heck out of me! It just seems like A LOT of responsibility and what if something breaks? And yet... besides Spud 2.0 it is my biggest desire right now.
29. Speaking of homes, my dream is to buy just a giant chunk of land and let people I love build their own homes on it.
30. We have reached the end. *Drum Roll please* The last fact about me for today is that after spending nearly an hour on this silly entry, it is time for a nap!
2. I miss school. I started working on my doctorate through a mostly on-line program, but I think that I need the actual interaction/going to class component.
3. I would really love for someone to just give me a complete make-over... tell me the best hair cut and color, which make-up is the best for my face, and help me find all the right clothes.
4. I've had 4 cars in my driving life (14 years)... an acclaim that I bought from my grandpa, a used Saturn, a Kia Rio, and now a mini-van. I'm not really a "car" person... if it gets me and all my stuff from Point A to Point B safely, I'm happy.
5. I am so not a phone person. With the exception of my mom and my high school friends, I just am not good with on the phone chit-chat. So I apologize if you call me and I seem distant or in a hurry to get off the phone. I promise it's not you, it's me.
6. Speaking of my high school friends: they are still some of the coolest people I know. I'd love to move into a house with them (or a commune!) and film a reality show.
7. People like to comment that I am a fast reader. After reading a book, I can tell you the main points and such, but am crappy about remembering little details. This makes rereading books good, but makes school/text books really difficult.
8. I am always in the process of reading at least 1 book (usually more like 3 or 4). If you are ever stuck on what kind of gift to buy me: books, gift cards to book stores, or Amazon Kindle credits will never disappoint.
9. There are just so many books in the world that I want to read, and sometimes I feel guilty doing it, but re-reading an old favorite can just be extremely pleasurable.
10. For stress relief, there is no substitute for a hot bath. Whenever I design my "dream" home in my head, I always start with the bathroom, with a giant whirlpool tub.
11. I always have one hard-core celebrity crush. In the past it has been Chris O'Donnell and Josh Hartnet. Currently, Peyton Manning has my heart.
12. Ha! Just remembered that it was a list with a similar subject that I used to announce my pregnancy on facebook back in early 2009.
13. I really want to move back to the midwest to be closer to family, however, after 5 1/2 years in Texas, I'm pretty sure I would have to hibernate in my house to survive winter.
14. I have HORRIBLE hand-eye coordination. I can SEE things just fine and I KNOW what to do, but making it happen isn't going to happen. This is why sports and crafts are beyond me, regardless of how much I practice or want to improve.
15. Number 14 is kind of a shame because I would love to be the stay at home mom who is super crafty... especially now that I have become addicted to Pinterest.
16. I'm proud of myself for finally reaching the age/maturity level that I can admit that I'm not crafty and not feel inferior to those who are.
17. By my own definition, I'm not a very good stay at home mom. The house usually looks pretty lived in, I suck at clipping/keeping up with coupons, the meals aren't fancy, and I surely don't look like June Cleaver all dolled up. I think it is going to be a life long struggle to let go of the perfectionist attitude and be okay with doing my best, while enjoying what is really at the heart of being a stay at home mom: my family.
18. I'm ashamed to admit that I have worn my wedding regularly since September because my fingers have gotten kind of fat. I can put the rings on, but by the end of the day, my fingers are so sausage like that the rings hurt.
19. I think that I'm going to go get my Zac tattoo this weekend. I've decided on just a small outline of a heart with his name in the middle, probably on my ankle.
20. I would love to have one more meal with my mom and grandparents around the dinner table in the house where I grew up. I don't think I appreciated those times enough, but those are some of my most comforting memories. I really hope my kids grow up with that same experience of connectedness.
21. Blake Shelton's song "The Baby," always makes me ball. It makes me think of my grandma. I've said it before, but she and I really are the same person, just 50 years apart. She and I get each other in a way I can't explain and being away from her is super sucky.
22. My favorite magazine is "People." It takes me just about one hour to read it from cover to cover. I recommend reading it as a study guide for anyone who plays trivia games in order to excel in the "pop culture" categories. (That includes you, Squishy!)
23. My awesome mother-in-law got me a subscription to O magazine and I love it, however, a lot of times, I think some of the ideas presented are wayyyy over my head. I try with every issue to read it from cover to cover and after nearly 2 years have yet to succeed. P.S. With O magazine, I ALWAYS read the last page/column first.
24. When Hubby and I were dating, we had this on-going competition with arcade game "Police Trainer." There was one in the Dairy Queen where we lived in Missouri and we always had to play. It has been years since I have seen one, but I have great memories of the game.
25. I need more friends to play board games with. If you live in the Big Country and enjoy board games, I am accepting applications. Farkle, Yahtzee, Settlers, Monopoly, Trivial Pursuit, Scrabble... you pick your poison.
26. I really, Really, REALLY want my own pool. I love being in the water. I feel like Michael Phelps. Regardless of how slow or uncoordinated I am, swimming makes me feel powerful and strong. And afterwards I feel super duper accomplished.
27. My favorite shirt is this black and white top that belonged to a friend. We were getting ready to go out for the night and the shirt I was wearing had random "I have a 2 year old" ick on it. We ran up to her room, she showed me the top that she never wore anymore and I fell in love. I would wear it every day if it was socially acceptable.
28. Owning my own home terrifies the heck out of me! It just seems like A LOT of responsibility and what if something breaks? And yet... besides Spud 2.0 it is my biggest desire right now.
29. Speaking of homes, my dream is to buy just a giant chunk of land and let people I love build their own homes on it.
30. We have reached the end. *Drum Roll please* The last fact about me for today is that after spending nearly an hour on this silly entry, it is time for a nap!
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Day 5: Suicide
When I first saw this topic on the 30 day challenge, I was a bit taken aback. While I know a blog is supposed to be personal, that's just REALLY personal.
I hesitate sometimes on how honest to be with my writing and sharing. In college I had a blog, which I sent a link to my dad to read. He was a bit traumatized and still gives me crap about it. Inviting him to read it was my way of opening up to him, to trying to get to know me. On my mom's side of the family, we share just about everything, so it didn't seem strange to me. My dad is not like that though and it was oversharing for him. After that experience, I'm a bit afraid that someone is going to use my honesty against me.
I try really hard to be an honest and open person for a couple of reasons. 1) Keeping the truth straight is a lot easier than keeping lies straight. 2) Trying to impress people or be someone I'm not, requires a lot more energy than I am willing to put into things. And 3) I have an amazing network of people who love me for who I am, and I appreciate them more than I could ever express. They deserve my honesty.
So occasionally, I overshare. I wear my heart on my sleeve. In the case of our recent adoption drama, it hurts like hell to have everyone know everything. But in the end, I really feel like the best approach for myself and for my life is to just be who I am. So I apologize if my oversharing is uncomfortable for you.
Alright, today's topic is about "a time when you thought about ending your life." I would say that I have never been officially suicidal. I've never made a detailed plan or started giving my stuff away. I have been severely depressed in the past and thought about how I could kill myself and whether or not that was the best way out of my drama. Several things have always held me back. When I was younger, it was my brother and sister. They are 4 and 5 years younger than me and had a rough childhood dealing with our parents divorce. I always thought of them in my darkest moments and thought, "the last thing they need is a sister that committed suicide."
I think that there is still a lot of stigma about depression. I am by no means an expert, all I can talk about is my personal experience.
I consider depression a long-term illness, like diabetes. I can manage the symptoms and have a relatively normal life, but it doesn't ever go away.
My depression started around the age of 17. Looking back, I just kind of went wacky and started acting in ways that weren't in-line with my normal behavior. I think a lot of it got written off by myself and my family as just teenage angst and a reaction to life circumstances. It continued on into college where I learned to self-medicate with alcohol, relationships, and food.
It was in college that I first started going to therapy. I had a great counselor who really helped me address some of my "issues."
In grad school, I was put on anti-depressants for the first time. The way it was explained to me was that all the talk therapy in the world wasn't going to help me if my brain chemicals weren't ready to receive the message. I took the meds for a brief time, but the cost and stigma led me to quit pretty quickly.
It was the summer of 2008 when my body finally said "we need to deal with this." Squishy was deployed and I can vividly remember having a freak out session in the middle of the night. I call it a panic attack. I don't know what provoked it, but for awhile, it seemed like the room had no air and nothing I could do could calm me down... my brain just freaked out. The next day I got into mental health on base and started on my meds.
I had an AMAZING therapist who helped me out tremendously. Between the techniques she taught me and the drugs, my life really started improving. It is actually really hard for me to look back on the time before then because I'm very ashamed of the person that I was. I was negative and selfish and generally, not a really fun or nice person to be around. To any of you that are reading this that were hurt by my actions, I officially apologize.
During my pregnancy, my first OB felt it would be better for Squirt if I went off of my anti-depressants. Big mistake! Those were a rough couple of weeks and again I apologize to anyone that had to put up with me. I was a hot mess! My dear friend helped me see that I needed to get back into counseling and on my meds. With much support, I changed to a doctor that was comfortable with me being on anti-depressants, though she did have me change to an older, more well studied drug.. Prozac.
I had a lot of internal struggle with that. Prozac?!? Isn't that for really crazy people? But for me it has been a life saver.
One big thing I have learned over the years is that I have to stay on my medication. Before I left in December for the adoption craziness, I had trouble getting a refill. I should have fought harder with the docs/pharmacy, but I didn't, so I just left and went several weeks without. EEK! Talk about bad news bears! Thankfully, Squishy was able to get my refill and bring it to me right before Christmas. When you have been depressed and start feeling better, it is easy to think that you can go off the meds and just keep feeling better. It doesn't always work like that.
Going through the adoption process, my depression raised some red flags during the homestudy process. Truth is, because of my struggles with depression and the amazing support system (medication, talk therapy when a crisis occurs, and better coping skills) I have in place, I think that I am better able to cope with the ups and downs of life than most people.
Phew! That was a lot, huh?
Twice in the last 12 hours I have received completely out of the blue notes about what a good person I seem to be and such. I don't see myself that way, but I am so grateful for the support. I have worked really hard over the last few years to get my depression under control and be the kind of woman that I can look in the mirror and be proud of.
If anyone who is reading this is struggling with depression, I strongly urge you to get help. I know that it can be super scary to make that initial appointment. I can call for you or go and hold your hand. And I know that when they prescribe a medication, it can be embarrassing, but just know that you are in good company. And please, Please, PLEASE... if your doctor does prescribe medication and you start feeling better, please don't stop taking it until you talk to your doctor.
And lastly, if you are struggling with depression, I am sending you a big hug and letting you know that the world can be pretty great once you get help.
I hesitate sometimes on how honest to be with my writing and sharing. In college I had a blog, which I sent a link to my dad to read. He was a bit traumatized and still gives me crap about it. Inviting him to read it was my way of opening up to him, to trying to get to know me. On my mom's side of the family, we share just about everything, so it didn't seem strange to me. My dad is not like that though and it was oversharing for him. After that experience, I'm a bit afraid that someone is going to use my honesty against me.
I try really hard to be an honest and open person for a couple of reasons. 1) Keeping the truth straight is a lot easier than keeping lies straight. 2) Trying to impress people or be someone I'm not, requires a lot more energy than I am willing to put into things. And 3) I have an amazing network of people who love me for who I am, and I appreciate them more than I could ever express. They deserve my honesty.
So occasionally, I overshare. I wear my heart on my sleeve. In the case of our recent adoption drama, it hurts like hell to have everyone know everything. But in the end, I really feel like the best approach for myself and for my life is to just be who I am. So I apologize if my oversharing is uncomfortable for you.
Alright, today's topic is about "a time when you thought about ending your life." I would say that I have never been officially suicidal. I've never made a detailed plan or started giving my stuff away. I have been severely depressed in the past and thought about how I could kill myself and whether or not that was the best way out of my drama. Several things have always held me back. When I was younger, it was my brother and sister. They are 4 and 5 years younger than me and had a rough childhood dealing with our parents divorce. I always thought of them in my darkest moments and thought, "the last thing they need is a sister that committed suicide."
I think that there is still a lot of stigma about depression. I am by no means an expert, all I can talk about is my personal experience.
I consider depression a long-term illness, like diabetes. I can manage the symptoms and have a relatively normal life, but it doesn't ever go away.
My depression started around the age of 17. Looking back, I just kind of went wacky and started acting in ways that weren't in-line with my normal behavior. I think a lot of it got written off by myself and my family as just teenage angst and a reaction to life circumstances. It continued on into college where I learned to self-medicate with alcohol, relationships, and food.
It was in college that I first started going to therapy. I had a great counselor who really helped me address some of my "issues."
In grad school, I was put on anti-depressants for the first time. The way it was explained to me was that all the talk therapy in the world wasn't going to help me if my brain chemicals weren't ready to receive the message. I took the meds for a brief time, but the cost and stigma led me to quit pretty quickly.
It was the summer of 2008 when my body finally said "we need to deal with this." Squishy was deployed and I can vividly remember having a freak out session in the middle of the night. I call it a panic attack. I don't know what provoked it, but for awhile, it seemed like the room had no air and nothing I could do could calm me down... my brain just freaked out. The next day I got into mental health on base and started on my meds.
I had an AMAZING therapist who helped me out tremendously. Between the techniques she taught me and the drugs, my life really started improving. It is actually really hard for me to look back on the time before then because I'm very ashamed of the person that I was. I was negative and selfish and generally, not a really fun or nice person to be around. To any of you that are reading this that were hurt by my actions, I officially apologize.
During my pregnancy, my first OB felt it would be better for Squirt if I went off of my anti-depressants. Big mistake! Those were a rough couple of weeks and again I apologize to anyone that had to put up with me. I was a hot mess! My dear friend helped me see that I needed to get back into counseling and on my meds. With much support, I changed to a doctor that was comfortable with me being on anti-depressants, though she did have me change to an older, more well studied drug.. Prozac.
I had a lot of internal struggle with that. Prozac?!? Isn't that for really crazy people? But for me it has been a life saver.
One big thing I have learned over the years is that I have to stay on my medication. Before I left in December for the adoption craziness, I had trouble getting a refill. I should have fought harder with the docs/pharmacy, but I didn't, so I just left and went several weeks without. EEK! Talk about bad news bears! Thankfully, Squishy was able to get my refill and bring it to me right before Christmas. When you have been depressed and start feeling better, it is easy to think that you can go off the meds and just keep feeling better. It doesn't always work like that.
Going through the adoption process, my depression raised some red flags during the homestudy process. Truth is, because of my struggles with depression and the amazing support system (medication, talk therapy when a crisis occurs, and better coping skills) I have in place, I think that I am better able to cope with the ups and downs of life than most people.
Phew! That was a lot, huh?
Twice in the last 12 hours I have received completely out of the blue notes about what a good person I seem to be and such. I don't see myself that way, but I am so grateful for the support. I have worked really hard over the last few years to get my depression under control and be the kind of woman that I can look in the mirror and be proud of.
If anyone who is reading this is struggling with depression, I strongly urge you to get help. I know that it can be super scary to make that initial appointment. I can call for you or go and hold your hand. And I know that when they prescribe a medication, it can be embarrassing, but just know that you are in good company. And please, Please, PLEASE... if your doctor does prescribe medication and you start feeling better, please don't stop taking it until you talk to your doctor.
And lastly, if you are struggling with depression, I am sending you a big hug and letting you know that the world can be pretty great once you get help.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Day 4: Views on Religion
A bit of a disclaimer first: I think everyone who reads this is going to differ in opinion from me, and I think that is okay. I am in no way saying that I am right, in fact I am admitting that religion/spirituality is something I struggle with. But it is a PERSONAL struggle, so please, Please, PLEASE do not preach at me.
I believe in a Higher Power, that something beyond my comprehension is overseeing this world and system of things. After that, I'm not really sure about anything.
I want to believe in some sort of after life, especially because I want to think my Grandpa is still watching over me and is seeing how my life plays out.
I do believe that suffering is real, which I struggle with A LOT. Whether that is a result of the Devil or just a limit on the Higher Powers ability, I have no clue.
I do pray, but it is more like meditation... and I always start with counting my blessings, and then asking for guidance on what I am struggling with.
I have no problem with prayer before meals and things, but I get annoyed by prayer before things like football games.
The Bible has a lot of powerful lessons, but the one that I am most committed to is "LOVE." I'm pretty open-minded and liberal. I make a bunch of mistakes and so I don't think I am in any position to judge anyone else. On that same note, I absolutely cannot wrap my brain around ANY KILLING in the name of God. I don't care how strong your beliefs are or how much someone disagrees with you... MURDER IS WRONG.
Now that I am a parent, the questions have become a lot harder to answer and I am constantly thinking about what I will teach Squirt and Spud 2.0. We do not currently go to church as a family, but I would like to. I think that having a "church home" (as they say a lot down here in the south) is important for networking and support. I want to make sure my kids are aware of the Bible and what it is about, because I think knowing that is critical to being considered "well educated." But I also plan to teach them about other belief systems because I think those are just as important. Ideally, I want my kids to think and explore and make their own opinions. I guess to me, "religious freedom" is highly important.
I believe in a Higher Power, that something beyond my comprehension is overseeing this world and system of things. After that, I'm not really sure about anything.
I want to believe in some sort of after life, especially because I want to think my Grandpa is still watching over me and is seeing how my life plays out.
I do believe that suffering is real, which I struggle with A LOT. Whether that is a result of the Devil or just a limit on the Higher Powers ability, I have no clue.
I do pray, but it is more like meditation... and I always start with counting my blessings, and then asking for guidance on what I am struggling with.
I have no problem with prayer before meals and things, but I get annoyed by prayer before things like football games.
The Bible has a lot of powerful lessons, but the one that I am most committed to is "LOVE." I'm pretty open-minded and liberal. I make a bunch of mistakes and so I don't think I am in any position to judge anyone else. On that same note, I absolutely cannot wrap my brain around ANY KILLING in the name of God. I don't care how strong your beliefs are or how much someone disagrees with you... MURDER IS WRONG.
Now that I am a parent, the questions have become a lot harder to answer and I am constantly thinking about what I will teach Squirt and Spud 2.0. We do not currently go to church as a family, but I would like to. I think that having a "church home" (as they say a lot down here in the south) is important for networking and support. I want to make sure my kids are aware of the Bible and what it is about, because I think knowing that is critical to being considered "well educated." But I also plan to teach them about other belief systems because I think those are just as important. Ideally, I want my kids to think and explore and make their own opinions. I guess to me, "religious freedom" is highly important.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Day 3: My Views on Drugs and Alcohol
Hmmm...not really sure I feel inspired by this topic.
I've never done drugs. Couple reasons: I am totally that girl that was always paranoid about getting caught and just knew that the one time I took the risk, I'd be thrown in jail and be the one the judge wanted to make an example out of. Pair that with the look on my mother's face, and totally not worth whatever impact the drug was supposed to have. Next, I have an addictive personality and tend to get attached to things (especially bad for me things) wayyyy too easily.
If you smoke pot, that is your choice, but I try very hard not to be in a car or home where I know illegal drugs are present. I'm not in any place to personally pass judgement on your decisions, but at the end of the day, the law says it is wrong.
I'll even go as far as to say that I think the government would be better legalizing marijuana, but it hasn't, so it is still illegal.
I do drink and have since about a week before I turned 18. These days I rarely drink because I just don't much understand the point. I am on medication that makes drinking a bad idea. It is a lot of excess calories that my hips don't need. And being a mom, the consequences of drinking really aren't worth it; I mean taking care of a 2 year old is exhausting enough on my best days... sleep deprived with a hangover would just be yucky.
When I do drink, I like girly drinks... pina coladas, mudslides. I will drink the occasional margarita, but tequila and I are not really friends. I'll have a beer or glass of wine, but they don't really taste good to me, so for the most part I just use those two beverages for cooking.
And that's your extremely blah post for today.
I've never done drugs. Couple reasons: I am totally that girl that was always paranoid about getting caught and just knew that the one time I took the risk, I'd be thrown in jail and be the one the judge wanted to make an example out of. Pair that with the look on my mother's face, and totally not worth whatever impact the drug was supposed to have. Next, I have an addictive personality and tend to get attached to things (especially bad for me things) wayyyy too easily.
If you smoke pot, that is your choice, but I try very hard not to be in a car or home where I know illegal drugs are present. I'm not in any place to personally pass judgement on your decisions, but at the end of the day, the law says it is wrong.
I'll even go as far as to say that I think the government would be better legalizing marijuana, but it hasn't, so it is still illegal.
I do drink and have since about a week before I turned 18. These days I rarely drink because I just don't much understand the point. I am on medication that makes drinking a bad idea. It is a lot of excess calories that my hips don't need. And being a mom, the consequences of drinking really aren't worth it; I mean taking care of a 2 year old is exhausting enough on my best days... sleep deprived with a hangover would just be yucky.
When I do drink, I like girly drinks... pina coladas, mudslides. I will drink the occasional margarita, but tequila and I are not really friends. I'll have a beer or glass of wine, but they don't really taste good to me, so for the most part I just use those two beverages for cooking.
And that's your extremely blah post for today.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Day 2: Where I'd Like to be in 10 Years
By 2022 our lives will look very different, if only because Squishy will most likely have just retired from the military. We will be able to live where we want! No more deployments!
Right now I do the stay at home mom thing, but I told Squishy that when he retires, I will go back to work if he wants to take a few years off and stay home with the kids.
Honestly, I don't really see much of my day-to-day life changing until that time, when I have more time to pursue my own education and possibly re-examine the career thing. I'd like to get back in school, but I'm not exactly sure in what field. I had started my doctorate, but that is A LOT of commitment if I don't really plan to do anything with it. Truth be told, now that I am typing it out, I think I would like to be a substitute teacher again. It gets me into the classroom, which I love, but still gives me the freedom to travel, be home with my family when I want, and do that sort of thing.
In 10 years I'll be 40. Wow! That is painful to type. It wasn't too long ago that 30 seemed ridiculously old, so the idea that in a blink of an eye I'll be 40 is a hard pill to swallow. Hopefully at 40 I will look amazing. Isn't that every one's dream? I'd love to be the 40 year old that all of Squishy's friends think is 27!
In 10 years, Squirt will be 12. Now that is hard to wrap my brain around! And hopefully, we will have another kiddo too. If it is still going well, they will be being homeschooled.
I guess the bottom line is that I am really happy with my life right now. The majority of my time is spent doing what I love with my friends and family. I hope that doesn't change and only improves over the next 10 years.
Right now I do the stay at home mom thing, but I told Squishy that when he retires, I will go back to work if he wants to take a few years off and stay home with the kids.
Honestly, I don't really see much of my day-to-day life changing until that time, when I have more time to pursue my own education and possibly re-examine the career thing. I'd like to get back in school, but I'm not exactly sure in what field. I had started my doctorate, but that is A LOT of commitment if I don't really plan to do anything with it. Truth be told, now that I am typing it out, I think I would like to be a substitute teacher again. It gets me into the classroom, which I love, but still gives me the freedom to travel, be home with my family when I want, and do that sort of thing.
In 10 years I'll be 40. Wow! That is painful to type. It wasn't too long ago that 30 seemed ridiculously old, so the idea that in a blink of an eye I'll be 40 is a hard pill to swallow. Hopefully at 40 I will look amazing. Isn't that every one's dream? I'd love to be the 40 year old that all of Squishy's friends think is 27!
In 10 years, Squirt will be 12. Now that is hard to wrap my brain around! And hopefully, we will have another kiddo too. If it is still going well, they will be being homeschooled.
I guess the bottom line is that I am really happy with my life right now. The majority of my time is spent doing what I love with my friends and family. I hope that doesn't change and only improves over the next 10 years.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Blog Challenge/Day 1/Current Relationship
I need to start writing again, and I figured this was a good way to start.
My current relationship is the theme for today.
Squishy and I met in August of 2003, on an internet dating site. I had just moved to Missouri for grad school and he'd been there for a few months with the military. We had our first date in September, were engaged the following June, moved in together in August, and married October 9, 2004.
Depending on the characteristics you want to talk about, we are either completely different or very much the same. Our core values are pretty much the same, which is what makes our family so strong. As far as how we see the world, what motivates us, and how we spend our time, we are like night and day. In the early parts of our relationship, and occasionally to this day, that can be a big challenge to overcome. Yet, I think most days we realize that our differences balance us out and that together we are FAR better than we are individually.
Squishy is incredibly smart (like just tried out for Jeopardy smart) and has a near photographic memory. The way his brain works is just so dang sexy to me and leaves me in awe. He is also incredibly brave (anyone who has served 4 tours overseas has to be) and has an amazing sense of patriotism.
The thing that I love most about our relationship is that we really are best friends. It sounds cliche, but it is true. If our marriage ever ended, I still think we'd be there for each other for all the good and bad.
The older I get, and the longer I've been married, the more I see that most days of marriage are pretty routine. Go to work, clean house, take care of the kids. Some days however are the darkest levels of hell you can imagine, and it is then when you need each other the most. And then some days, all the stars align and you get to experience a joy that is beyond your wildest dreams, and it is all thanks to the hard work you two have put in previously.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Happy One Month Birthday!
A few posts ago, I copied a quote from Elizabeth Edwards about losing someone. She said it isn't just about missing the individual, but the loss of all those hopes & dreams you had for them.
Truth is, I didn't get to know Zac for very long. He was only 10 days old when we handed him back, and he'd only really been with us for 8 of those days. So the things I miss about him are limited, but the hopes and dreams I had for him are a lot more powerful.
I wish that today we were taking his one month pictures and posting them on facebook so that Aunt Katie could make a collage of the babies 1 month pics.
I wonder if he has outgrown his newborn clothes yet. He was sooo tiny that I could imagine him still wearing those first outfits.
Happy One Month Birthday Baby Boy!
Truth is, I didn't get to know Zac for very long. He was only 10 days old when we handed him back, and he'd only really been with us for 8 of those days. So the things I miss about him are limited, but the hopes and dreams I had for him are a lot more powerful.
I wish that today we were taking his one month pictures and posting them on facebook so that Aunt Katie could make a collage of the babies 1 month pics.
I wonder if he has outgrown his newborn clothes yet. He was sooo tiny that I could imagine him still wearing those first outfits.
Happy One Month Birthday Baby Boy!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)