In the fall I had a small at-home daycare business. I got to know some amazing kids and their families. But boy was it A LOT of work!
Two of my kiddos were twins, A & I. I had them some mornings and after school. I'd be lying if I said I didn't fall head over heels in love with them. First off, they are just gorgeous little boys... A has blue eyes that melt your heart. And talk about sweet kids... the smiles when they saw me each day, the hugs... oh! pure love!
A & I, and several of my other daycare kiddos, were with me on November 3, when I got the call about Zac. I was so giddy excited and tried to explain as best I could to 4 year olds that I was having a baby.
Squishy and I spent a lot of time wondering what Zac would look like and often hoped that he would be half as cute as A or I.
One of my big concerns about raising a biracial baby was hair care. I know that sounds silly, but I've been exposed to enough black hair to know that it needs to be cared for differently, but I'm pretty clueless as to how.
This morning I got to watch the boys for a little while and take them to school. I hadn't realized how much I had missed them until they were curled up on my couch. I noticed that A's hair is getting long and curly, which I hadn't seen before.
As they sat watching cartoons, I sat behind them at the table and silently cried for Zac. I was so excited to have A & I in Zac's life as role-models and I know by watching how they interact with Squirt that they would have loved Zac and taken great care of him. And it just broke my heart that Zac is missing out on knowing these two great little boys.
***
Last night Squishy and I were talking about trying this whole thing again.
The idea of doing another open adoption scares the bejesus out of me. But I still believe that having a relationship with the birth parents is best for Spud 2.0. I can't let me fear of getting hurt again prevent me from doing what I think is best for my child. So, while we will most likely be very cautious the next go round, I really think we will still approach adoption the same way we did with Zac.
I just keep telling myself that while the ending completely sucked, I feel like I did everything right when it came to Zac. I was open and honest with his birth mom and gave my heart because that's what was best for him. If he was home with us now, I'd want her to be able to text to check in when she needed to.
I am still so mad about how it ended, but I don't have regrets.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
From "Saving Graces" by Elizabeth Edwards
I have a lot of respect for Elizabeth Edwards. She handled her cancer with such dignity and I think acted with amazing grace when her husband turned out to be a lying, cheating, scum.
In December I got a copy of her book, "Saving Graces" through paperbackswap.com (if you haven't discovered this fantastic site, I recommend it). I started reading it, but didn't really give it much thought with all the craziness of Zac coming.
I picked it up again the other night, remembering that she lost her son, Wade, when he was 16. The chapters dealing with his death are profound and moving. Her words humble me.
The following is a message she wrote to a woman grieving the loss of her fiance. For some reason they really touched me and seemed like Elizabeth was speaking directly to me. I wanted to share them, since they brought me some comfort.
Grief is a long process of untangling ourselves from the physical reality of the person and from our expectations of our future with them. You will not, I imagine, decide one day that it is time, that you are ready, and then go out and find someone. You certainly won't do so because someone else, even someone with the best intentions like your mother, has decided it is time. It happens the other way, I suspect: you will instead discover-some day in the future-that you have made a new emotional connection. Then you will know that you have been ready for someone else in your life. I am the mother of a dead son and a living daughter. As the mother of a dead boy, I want to tell you to keep Bill's memory a part of your life, but recognize, as much as it hurts, that it is but memory, that he is dead. As the mother of a living daughter, I want to tell you that you do not have to serve the memory to honor it; you honor him more by valuing the fullness of life.
In December I got a copy of her book, "Saving Graces" through paperbackswap.com (if you haven't discovered this fantastic site, I recommend it). I started reading it, but didn't really give it much thought with all the craziness of Zac coming.
I picked it up again the other night, remembering that she lost her son, Wade, when he was 16. The chapters dealing with his death are profound and moving. Her words humble me.
The following is a message she wrote to a woman grieving the loss of her fiance. For some reason they really touched me and seemed like Elizabeth was speaking directly to me. I wanted to share them, since they brought me some comfort.
Grief is a long process of untangling ourselves from the physical reality of the person and from our expectations of our future with them. You will not, I imagine, decide one day that it is time, that you are ready, and then go out and find someone. You certainly won't do so because someone else, even someone with the best intentions like your mother, has decided it is time. It happens the other way, I suspect: you will instead discover-some day in the future-that you have made a new emotional connection. Then you will know that you have been ready for someone else in your life. I am the mother of a dead son and a living daughter. As the mother of a dead boy, I want to tell you to keep Bill's memory a part of your life, but recognize, as much as it hurts, that it is but memory, that he is dead. As the mother of a living daughter, I want to tell you that you do not have to serve the memory to honor it; you honor him more by valuing the fullness of life.
Monday, January 16, 2012
...
Dear Zac,
I miss you. Night time is really hard for me. I keep busy during the day and everything almost seems okay. And then it gets dark outside, the day winds down, your brother heads to bed, and the harsh reality of the situation slaps me in the face.
I miss you. I look at your pictures... your beautiful face, your long fingers, your big feet... and I wonder how much you have changed in the last few weeks.
Your aunts and uncles post pictures and videos of your cousins and I just feel so torn. I love those boys so much and am just so happy, but it breaks my heart too. I wanted you to grow up with them. I wanted the 2011 boys.
I filled out an application for another adoption agency today. I don't know what to do Zac. There were so many reasons that we made the timing of you the way we did and those reasons haven't changed. But I just don't know if I am ready. But they say if you wait until you are ready to have kids, you never will.
I guess I don't really have anything profound to say. I guess I just hope that by typing this message out and sending it into cyberspace that maybe, just maybe, you can still feel my love.
Still wishing I was,
Momma
I miss you. Night time is really hard for me. I keep busy during the day and everything almost seems okay. And then it gets dark outside, the day winds down, your brother heads to bed, and the harsh reality of the situation slaps me in the face.
I miss you. I look at your pictures... your beautiful face, your long fingers, your big feet... and I wonder how much you have changed in the last few weeks.
Your aunts and uncles post pictures and videos of your cousins and I just feel so torn. I love those boys so much and am just so happy, but it breaks my heart too. I wanted you to grow up with them. I wanted the 2011 boys.
I filled out an application for another adoption agency today. I don't know what to do Zac. There were so many reasons that we made the timing of you the way we did and those reasons haven't changed. But I just don't know if I am ready. But they say if you wait until you are ready to have kids, you never will.
I guess I don't really have anything profound to say. I guess I just hope that by typing this message out and sending it into cyberspace that maybe, just maybe, you can still feel my love.
Still wishing I was,
Momma
Friday, January 13, 2012
Pros and Cons
I'm ready to start trying again right away for a baby, Squishy isn't there yet. I don't think either of us is right or wrong, it is just another example of how we cope with our emotions differently.
When we are ready to try again, there are so many things to figure out. Do we stay with the same agency or start over with a new one?
And when we get matched again, do we still get all excited again or do we just tell the people that need to know?
One of my dear friends had a miscarriage awhile back and I remember her talking about how when women first find out that they are pregnant there is this internal debate about wanting to tell everyone and wanting to hold off, just in case.
I don't think I would have wanted to do anything differently with Zac... I'm glad that other people were excited about him and that he was so loved for those last few weeks he was in the womb and his first week of life. But I don't know about next time.
If we reactive right away, does that send the message that Zac wasn't important to us? I hope not.
From Nov 3 (the day we got matched) until Jan 4, he was my son. I was a mommy of 2. But how do I tell people that?
When we are ready to try again, there are so many things to figure out. Do we stay with the same agency or start over with a new one?
And when we get matched again, do we still get all excited again or do we just tell the people that need to know?
One of my dear friends had a miscarriage awhile back and I remember her talking about how when women first find out that they are pregnant there is this internal debate about wanting to tell everyone and wanting to hold off, just in case.
I don't think I would have wanted to do anything differently with Zac... I'm glad that other people were excited about him and that he was so loved for those last few weeks he was in the womb and his first week of life. But I don't know about next time.
If we reactive right away, does that send the message that Zac wasn't important to us? I hope not.
From Nov 3 (the day we got matched) until Jan 4, he was my son. I was a mommy of 2. But how do I tell people that?
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Pictures
Life may have taken you from my arms and changed your name, but in my heart you will always be my Zachary John. I love you little boy, even if you will never know it.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
I need some direction
For those of you that follow the blog, but haven't heard: last Wednesday, Zac's dad decided that he couldn't go through with the adoption plan and wanted to parent. We had to give him back.
Throughout the adoption process there were plenty of books and such to read about what to do and how to cope. Now I am feeling lost and sort of directionless.
I know some of you have questions and such, and one day I will have the strength to write about it all, but for now, I just want to say thank you for the love and encouragement.
I am trying to figure out how to move forward. When I started this blog it was supposed to be a journal of sorts for our baby, and maybe it still is. I think we are both committed to trying again, but I don't know what that will look like. Do we try right away or wait? Do we stick with the agency or switch?
When we first had to give Zac back, I couldn't stand to look at his stuff. I left a big pile on the bed of the hotel and asked the staff to donate what they could and throw away the rest. I will forever be thankful for the staff at the Bethlehem, PA Courtyard by Marriott for their amazing support during the week and a half we were there.
Right after handing him over, Squishy drove all night to get us back to his hometown. His mom met us at his Grandpa's house, and my mom was there a few hours later. There, I had to face more baby stuff. I've decided to make a memory box of Zac specific stuff, like his personalized baby blanket and the birth announcement that Squishy's cousin created for us. For now, all that stuff, and other baby stuff that was purchased for Zac but never used, is in the spare room at his Grandpa's. I'll get it in a few months when I'm stronger.
We got home late last night, which was both good and bad. It was nice to be back in our space after being gone for over a month, but hard to face home that was prepped to welcome a new baby.
My next project is to work on thank you notes for all the amazing gifts Zac got. Anything that is Zac specific is being packed up in the memory box. The other stuff that can be used will be packed up for the next kiddo.
It is going to suck and be hard for a long time, but it will be okay.
Throughout the adoption process there were plenty of books and such to read about what to do and how to cope. Now I am feeling lost and sort of directionless.
I know some of you have questions and such, and one day I will have the strength to write about it all, but for now, I just want to say thank you for the love and encouragement.
I am trying to figure out how to move forward. When I started this blog it was supposed to be a journal of sorts for our baby, and maybe it still is. I think we are both committed to trying again, but I don't know what that will look like. Do we try right away or wait? Do we stick with the agency or switch?
When we first had to give Zac back, I couldn't stand to look at his stuff. I left a big pile on the bed of the hotel and asked the staff to donate what they could and throw away the rest. I will forever be thankful for the staff at the Bethlehem, PA Courtyard by Marriott for their amazing support during the week and a half we were there.
Right after handing him over, Squishy drove all night to get us back to his hometown. His mom met us at his Grandpa's house, and my mom was there a few hours later. There, I had to face more baby stuff. I've decided to make a memory box of Zac specific stuff, like his personalized baby blanket and the birth announcement that Squishy's cousin created for us. For now, all that stuff, and other baby stuff that was purchased for Zac but never used, is in the spare room at his Grandpa's. I'll get it in a few months when I'm stronger.
We got home late last night, which was both good and bad. It was nice to be back in our space after being gone for over a month, but hard to face home that was prepped to welcome a new baby.
My next project is to work on thank you notes for all the amazing gifts Zac got. Anything that is Zac specific is being packed up in the memory box. The other stuff that can be used will be packed up for the next kiddo.
It is going to suck and be hard for a long time, but it will be okay.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
... and so it goes
There is a Billy Joel song that I haven't thought of in years that suddenly popped into my head when I started to write this blog. The lyrics are at the end... sorry that they aren't formatted nice & neat.
On Christmas Day I was at Grandpa's family celebration when I got the call the Tummy Mommy's water had broken and that it was go time. We rushed back to Grandpa's house, packed up the van, and hit the road. While we were driving somewhere in Ohio, our little Spud entered the world. He is officially a Christmas baby!
We arrived in town about 4:30am and went straight to the hospital to see him. We only stayed a few minutes and then collapsed at a nearby hotel. My amazing Aunt arrived a few hours later to watch Squirt while we headed back to the hospital.
That was last Monday and the week since has been a blur of drama, stress and emotion. Not really sure if right now I have the energy or desire to describe it all. But where we are right now is that he is with us at the hotel, we haven't been able to leave town, tummy mommy has signed the paperwork and wants us to parent, we are waiting on a dna test, but probable daddy wants to parent at this point.
I'm struggling to bond with Spud...not because he isn't cute and a good baby or that I don't love him, but because there is a really good chance that in a few days, I'm going to have to just hand him over and walk away.
I love him so much and I want him so bad. My friends and loved ones are being amazingly supportive, but I'm just lost.
I'm just sick to my stomach over this.
***
In every heart there is a room A sanctuary safe and strong To heal the wounds from lover's past Until a new one comes along
I spoke to you in cautious tones You answered me with no pretense And still I feel I said too much My silence is my self defense
And every time I've held a rose It seems I only felt the thorns And so it goes and so it goes And so will you soon, I suppose
But if my silence made you leave Then that would be my worst mistake So I will share this room with you And you can have this heart to break
And this is why my eyes are closed It's just as well for all I've seen And so it goes and so it goes And you're the only one who knows
So I would choose to be with you That's if the choice were mine to make But you can make decisions too And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes and so it goes And you're the only one who knows
On Christmas Day I was at Grandpa's family celebration when I got the call the Tummy Mommy's water had broken and that it was go time. We rushed back to Grandpa's house, packed up the van, and hit the road. While we were driving somewhere in Ohio, our little Spud entered the world. He is officially a Christmas baby!
We arrived in town about 4:30am and went straight to the hospital to see him. We only stayed a few minutes and then collapsed at a nearby hotel. My amazing Aunt arrived a few hours later to watch Squirt while we headed back to the hospital.
That was last Monday and the week since has been a blur of drama, stress and emotion. Not really sure if right now I have the energy or desire to describe it all. But where we are right now is that he is with us at the hotel, we haven't been able to leave town, tummy mommy has signed the paperwork and wants us to parent, we are waiting on a dna test, but probable daddy wants to parent at this point.
I'm struggling to bond with Spud...not because he isn't cute and a good baby or that I don't love him, but because there is a really good chance that in a few days, I'm going to have to just hand him over and walk away.
I love him so much and I want him so bad. My friends and loved ones are being amazingly supportive, but I'm just lost.
I'm just sick to my stomach over this.
***
In every heart there is a room A sanctuary safe and strong To heal the wounds from lover's past Until a new one comes along
I spoke to you in cautious tones You answered me with no pretense And still I feel I said too much My silence is my self defense
And every time I've held a rose It seems I only felt the thorns And so it goes and so it goes And so will you soon, I suppose
But if my silence made you leave Then that would be my worst mistake So I will share this room with you And you can have this heart to break
And this is why my eyes are closed It's just as well for all I've seen And so it goes and so it goes And you're the only one who knows
So I would choose to be with you That's if the choice were mine to make But you can make decisions too And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes and so it goes And you're the only one who knows
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