I need some direction

For those of you that follow the blog, but haven't heard: last Wednesday, Zac's dad decided that he couldn't go through with the adoption plan and wanted to parent. We had to give him back.

Throughout the adoption process there were plenty of books and such to read about what to do and how to cope. Now I am feeling lost and sort of directionless.

I know some of you have questions and such, and one day I will have the strength to write about it all, but for now, I just want to say thank you for the love and encouragement.

I am trying to figure out how to move forward. When I started this blog it was supposed to be a journal of sorts for our baby, and maybe it still is. I think we are both committed to trying again, but I don't know what that will look like. Do we try right away or wait? Do we stick with the agency or switch?

When we first had to give Zac back, I couldn't stand to look at his stuff. I left a big pile on the bed of the hotel and asked the staff to donate what they could and throw away the rest. I will forever be thankful for the staff at the Bethlehem, PA Courtyard by Marriott for their amazing support during the week and a half we were there.

Right after handing him over, Squishy drove all night to get us back to his hometown. His mom met us at his Grandpa's house, and my mom was there a few hours later. There, I had to face more baby stuff. I've decided to make a memory box of Zac specific stuff, like his personalized baby blanket and the birth announcement that Squishy's cousin created for us. For now, all that stuff, and other baby stuff that was purchased for Zac but never used, is in the spare room at his Grandpa's. I'll get it in a few months when I'm stronger.

We got home late last night, which was both good and bad. It was nice to be back in our space after being gone for over a month, but hard to face home that was prepped to welcome a new baby.

My next project is to work on thank you notes for all the amazing gifts Zac got. Anything that is Zac specific is being packed up in the memory box. The other stuff that can be used will be packed up for the next kiddo.

It is going to suck and be hard for a long time, but it will be okay.