I Cried This Morning

In the fall I had a small at-home daycare business. I got to know some amazing kids and their families. But boy was it A LOT of work!

Two of my kiddos were twins, A & I. I had them some mornings and after school. I'd be lying if I said I didn't fall head over heels in love with them. First off, they are just gorgeous little boys... A has blue eyes that melt your heart. And talk about sweet kids... the smiles when they saw me each day, the hugs... oh! pure love!

A & I, and several of my other daycare kiddos, were with me on November 3, when I got the call about Zac. I was so giddy excited and tried to explain as best I could to 4 year olds that I was having a baby.

Squishy and I spent a lot of time wondering what Zac would look like and often hoped that he would be half as cute as A or I.

One of my big concerns about raising a biracial baby was hair care. I know that sounds silly, but I've been exposed to enough black hair to know that it needs to be cared for differently, but I'm pretty clueless as to how.

This morning I got to watch the boys for a little while and take them to school. I hadn't realized how much I had missed them until they were curled up on my couch. I noticed that A's hair is getting long and curly, which I hadn't seen before.

As they sat watching cartoons, I sat behind them at the table and silently cried for Zac. I was so excited to have A & I in Zac's life as role-models and I know by watching how they interact with Squirt that they would have loved Zac and taken great care of him. And it just broke my heart that Zac is missing out on knowing these two great little boys.

***
Last night Squishy and I were talking about trying this whole thing again.

The idea of doing another open adoption scares the bejesus out of me. But I still believe that having a relationship with the birth parents is best for Spud 2.0. I can't let me fear of getting hurt again prevent me from doing what I think is best for my child. So, while we will most likely be very cautious the next go round, I really think we will still approach adoption the same way we did with Zac.

I just keep telling myself that while the ending completely sucked, I feel like I did everything right when it came to Zac. I was open and honest with his birth mom and gave my heart because that's what was best for him. If he was home with us now, I'd want her to be able to text to check in when she needed to.

I am still so mad about how it ended, but I don't have regrets.