... and so it goes

There is a Billy Joel song that I haven't thought of in years that suddenly popped into my head when I started to write this blog. The lyrics are at the end... sorry that they aren't formatted nice & neat.

On Christmas Day I was at Grandpa's family celebration when I got the call the Tummy Mommy's water had broken and that it was go time. We rushed back to Grandpa's house, packed up the van, and hit the road. While we were driving somewhere in Ohio, our little Spud entered the world. He is officially a Christmas baby!

We arrived in town about 4:30am and went straight to the hospital to see him. We only stayed a few minutes and then collapsed at a nearby hotel. My amazing Aunt arrived a few hours later to watch Squirt while we headed back to the hospital.

That was last Monday and the week since has been a blur of drama, stress and emotion. Not really sure if right now I have the energy or desire to describe it all. But where we are right now is that he is with us at the hotel, we haven't been able to leave town, tummy mommy has signed the paperwork and wants us to parent, we are waiting on a dna test, but probable daddy wants to parent at this point.

I'm struggling to bond with Spud...not because he isn't cute and a good baby or that I don't love him, but because there is a really good chance that in a few days, I'm going to have to just hand him over and walk away.

I love him so much and I want him so bad. My friends and loved ones are being amazingly supportive, but I'm just lost.

I'm just sick to my stomach over this.

***


In every heart there is a room A sanctuary safe and strong To heal the wounds from lover's past Until a new one comes along
I spoke to you in cautious tones You answered me with no pretense And still I feel I said too much My silence is my self defense
And every time I've held a rose It seems I only felt the thorns And so it goes and so it goes And so will you soon, I suppose
But if my silence made you leave Then that would be my worst mistake So I will share this room with you And you can have this heart to break
And this is why my eyes are closed It's just as well for all I've seen And so it goes and so it goes And you're the only one who knows
So I would choose to be with you That's if the choice were mine to make But you can make decisions too And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes and so it goes And you're the only one who knows