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Dear Zac,
I miss you. Night time is really hard for me. I keep busy during the day and everything almost seems okay. And then it gets dark outside, the day winds down, your brother heads to bed, and the harsh reality of the situation slaps me in the face.

I miss you. I look at your pictures... your beautiful face, your long fingers, your big feet... and I wonder how much you have changed in the last few weeks.

Your aunts and uncles post pictures and videos of your cousins and I just feel so torn. I love those boys so much and am just so happy, but it breaks my heart too. I wanted you to grow up with them. I wanted the 2011 boys.

I filled out an application for another adoption agency today. I don't know what to do Zac. There were so many reasons that we made the timing of you the way we did and those reasons haven't changed. But I just don't know if I am ready. But they say if you wait until you are ready to have kids, you never will.

I guess I don't really have anything profound to say. I guess I just hope that by typing this message out and sending it into cyberspace that maybe, just maybe, you can still feel my love.

Still wishing I was,
Momma