I'm ready to start trying again right away for a baby, Squishy isn't there yet. I don't think either of us is right or wrong, it is just another example of how we cope with our emotions differently.
When we are ready to try again, there are so many things to figure out. Do we stay with the same agency or start over with a new one?
And when we get matched again, do we still get all excited again or do we just tell the people that need to know?
One of my dear friends had a miscarriage awhile back and I remember her talking about how when women first find out that they are pregnant there is this internal debate about wanting to tell everyone and wanting to hold off, just in case.
I don't think I would have wanted to do anything differently with Zac... I'm glad that other people were excited about him and that he was so loved for those last few weeks he was in the womb and his first week of life. But I don't know about next time.
If we reactive right away, does that send the message that Zac wasn't important to us? I hope not.
From Nov 3 (the day we got matched) until Jan 4, he was my son. I was a mommy of 2. But how do I tell people that?
I don't think there is any right or wrong answer to these questions. Do what your heart tells you. If it feels right to tell everyone ahead of time, then do it. Everyone knows how much you loved Zac, but the timing on trying to be active with the agency should be based on how you feel. We all know how much you loved him. Trying to be matched again quickly won't diminish that.
ReplyDeleteOh, Kara. I so wish this wasn't how this turned out for you. I know that I don't know exactly what you are going through, but I do know about losing a child.
ReplyDeleteThe day after my miscarriage I bought myself a necklace that reminded me of Jordan. And I wore it every day for a month. It was a my touchstone, a physical reminder of what I'd lost, but also a way to carry that around with me when I needed strength. It was a small gesture, but it helped me to center myself when I needed it.
I felt torn in the same way about trying again. I was scared of how much it hurt to lose someone I loved and, like you, I was afraid it said that I didn't value what I lost. Physically I had to wait a few months, and that gave me the time to make the conscious decision to try again. But if I was honest with myself, I was ready to try again right away. I'm just not good at waiting.
I struggled with how to remember him, I still do some days. I've found ways to build those reminders into my life in a personal way, but not necessarily a way that those outside would notice. We have a "J" Christmas ornament for our tree that matches the letters on our stockings. I have a necklace with charms with K and EJ's names on them and a pearl for Jordan. I could never find a way to really talk about my loss with strangers, so I was careful not to put it out there unless I wanted to talk about it.
I wonder if there are resources online for families that have had similar circumstances. I found some for families after miscarriages and that was helpful to me at the time. It also gave me ideas on how to remember what I'd lost. And sometimes it just helps to know that others have been there as well.