Pennies from Heaven

I've always gotten excited when I found a penny on the ground... the old myth that it brought good luck.

A few years ago your Great Grandma sent me an e-mail forward about how when you find a penny, heads or tails, it is a sign from someone in Heaven telling you that they are thinking about you. I love that idea!

I just found a penny in the washing machine and my first thoughts were of you, Spud. This adoption process has turned me inside out in a lot of ways and made me question so many things. It is often hard to keep the faith that we are doing the right thing and to believe that you really are going to find us someday.

My Grandpa is up in Heaven... he has been there for over 10 years now, but not a day goes by that I don't think of him. He was my role model for unconditional love. He was my world and most people would say that I was his. And yet, biologically, he wasn't my grandpa at all. When he fell in love with your great grandma, she already had two young kiddos. Early into their marriage they had a baby together and he adopted the older two (your Lola and her brother).

Adoption, for several generations now, is part of your legacy Spud. I have always been raised that love has very little to do with biology.

While I love your brother with my whole heart and soul, I love you just as much. I love that Squirt is a part of my flesh, that he grew in my body, and that I can look at him and notice features that he got from me. But I love that you aren't those things. I love that I'm having to fight so hard for you and wait so long. I love that once you are finally in my arms, it will be yet another display of how crazy and miraculous life can be. Your brother was very much wanted, but no where near as much as you aren wanted. With you, I know what parenting is about... the up's and down's, the love and heartbreak, and still I want to do it again. It was *relatively* easy to have Squirt, but with you it is a long, exhausting, expensive process.... and yet there is nothing I would rather do with my time and money.

This post is a little disjointed, I suppose, but I just keep thinking about my grandpa and about you. Daddy and I aren't very spiritual and not at all religious, but I truly believe that my grandpa is up there watching over us and this whole process. After he passed away, I developed an allergy to the same medication he was allergic to. It sounds crazy (and the migraine I get from it hurts like you would not believe), but I love that connection to him. And it makes me so curious to see what similarities you and I will share.

I love you little one. Can you please find us today?

Love, Momma