4 Weeks

4 weeks ago this morning I met Zac. We (mostly Squishy) had driven all night and arrived at the hospital shortly before 5am. Zac was just 8 hours old and sooooo tiny.

It is still hard to accept what happened. None of it makes sense, and I imagine never will. Most of the time, I am a fighter, I make a plan and go after what I want. And in most things, if I work really hard, I don't fail. So there is an extra layer of bad feelings, knowing that no matter what I do, I am most likely never going to see my baby again.

Squishy hates the expression "everything happens for a reason," but most of my life I have clung to it for comfort. I don't necessarily think that bad stuff happens on purpose so that something better will come along, but I think that when bad stuff happens, we are given an opportunity to grow. I hate, Hate, HATE that I'm not rocking my baby right now, but I have to believe that I am going to come out of this experience a better human being. I have to believe that this hurt isn't just for nothing. I need to learn from this, grow from this, and more appreciate the gifts I am given.

Whenever I get a chance, I go walking with one of my dear friends. We walk and talk, and I swear, it is the best therapy I have ever had. I am so in awe of this woman, who has truly become a sister to me, and after each meeting with her, I find myself forced to thank the universe for connecting us. Life is hard and life is sucky, but damn I drew a good hand when it came to being surrounded by family and friends. All I can hope is that when I "grow up," I am able to take the love and support I have been given and shine that light on to those around me.

Being 30 has been the best year of my life emotionally. Yes, there have been hard things, but for the first time in my life, I feel comfortable in my skin. I feel unafraid of being myself, with all my warts, and scars. And I'm emotionally strong enough to cut ties with people that bring me down. Life is too short to be surrounded by anything less than the best. I don't want to play "the game," anymore... I don't want to smile and nod and go along with the popular opinion. I want to follow my heart.

I have so many wonderful people in my life and I'm never sure how to thank them enough. My biological family is amazing and crazy and I love them to pieces. My in-laws defy every in-law stereo-type there is. And my friends are just so important to me. I want to list everyone that I am thankful for here, but I feel it would be an extremely long list and an invasion of their privacy. But please, Please, PLEASE know that I am in awe of you.

Squirt is so lucky to be being raised in this community of love and support and I know that when Spud 2.0 finally joins us, they will be just as lucky to have so many fans.

Feeling blessed and finding the rainbows among the clouds,
Sunny