I can't even describe the pain I am experiencing over this child.
Today is just one of those days where I can't get the negative voices in my head to shut up. Why is it okay to tell an adoptive parent that "you know it might not work out?" I can't imagine telling a pregnant woman "you know that you might have a miscarriage or a still birth." People say "prepare yourself for the worst," but how the fuck do you do that, really?
I'm angry. I'm angry that I am trying my best to be supportive and there for Zac's Tummy Mommy and yet she is in the position to just break my heart.
I have spent more money that I can even wrap my brain around, turned my life upside down to get ready for this child, and let myself fall in love with this baby boy. And today all I feel is just pain.
Part of me just wants to pack up the van, call the whole thing off, and head back home to lick my wounds. At least then I would be doing something and not just in this horrible limbo.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Still Waiting
I think that due dates are completely ridiculous. I understand the need to have an approximate date of arrival, but let's just call them that. To me, "due date" sounds like a deadline and being the nut job that I am, due dates evoke fear and panic. I respond one of two ways to due dates... either I try to get the assignment done super early or I procrastinate until the very last second. But never, Never, NEVER in my real life do I let due dates slip by. School papers, library books, work assignments... these are things with due dates.
Babies play by their own rules. We all know this. And while there is a typical length of gestation, even if you know the exact day you conceived, apparently our bodies aren't very good at looking at a calendar. Babies come when babies come. Squirt was 5 weeks early, and with the exception of spending a week in the NICU, you would never know that he was early... he just required a shorter baking time.
So pregnant women get assigned a due date based on their last period and then the date can get moved based on ultrasounds and such. As a due date gets closer, most women start to freak out... we just want the baby OUT! We were told it would be over by a certain point and for the love of all that is holy, I just want to see my feet again and not have the constant heartburn/other ick that accompanies pregnancy.
And God forbid in this society you go over your due date. Just ask my dear friend, Jenn, who practically had to hide from her doctor in order to avoid being induced. Whereas Squirt didn't require as much baking time, maybe some babies just require more. Yet, if you reach that due date without a bundle of joy in your arms, panic sets in.
While I *know* all this, it is still strange to me that I am a bit shocked that Spud isn't here yet. His due date isn't until Friday. Maybe Spud is just going to be a more laid back, enjoy the ride, what's the hurry kind of kid. I'm sure he is warm and toasty in their and realizes that being a winter baby means very quickly being thrust into cold, Cold, COLD!
I'm trying to be patient. I have some days where I am a complete crazy pants, and others where I am just trying to enjoy this time with Squirt and Squishy's family. If Spud isn't here by Friday, Squishy is going to fly up to join us for Christmas. He has never been in the country for a Christmas with Squirt and I just can't imagine being with his family for the holiday while he is alone at home (though I know all of our military friends would gladly take him in).
Babies play by their own rules. We all know this. And while there is a typical length of gestation, even if you know the exact day you conceived, apparently our bodies aren't very good at looking at a calendar. Babies come when babies come. Squirt was 5 weeks early, and with the exception of spending a week in the NICU, you would never know that he was early... he just required a shorter baking time.
So pregnant women get assigned a due date based on their last period and then the date can get moved based on ultrasounds and such. As a due date gets closer, most women start to freak out... we just want the baby OUT! We were told it would be over by a certain point and for the love of all that is holy, I just want to see my feet again and not have the constant heartburn/other ick that accompanies pregnancy.
And God forbid in this society you go over your due date. Just ask my dear friend, Jenn, who practically had to hide from her doctor in order to avoid being induced. Whereas Squirt didn't require as much baking time, maybe some babies just require more. Yet, if you reach that due date without a bundle of joy in your arms, panic sets in.
While I *know* all this, it is still strange to me that I am a bit shocked that Spud isn't here yet. His due date isn't until Friday. Maybe Spud is just going to be a more laid back, enjoy the ride, what's the hurry kind of kid. I'm sure he is warm and toasty in their and realizes that being a winter baby means very quickly being thrust into cold, Cold, COLD!
I'm trying to be patient. I have some days where I am a complete crazy pants, and others where I am just trying to enjoy this time with Squirt and Squishy's family. If Spud isn't here by Friday, Squishy is going to fly up to join us for Christmas. He has never been in the country for a Christmas with Squirt and I just can't imagine being with his family for the holiday while he is alone at home (though I know all of our military friends would gladly take him in).
Monday, December 12, 2011
Untitled
I talk to your brother a lot. It started when he was in my belly and continues to this very day... in fact, I caught myself doing it this afternoon while he napped in the bed beside me. I tell him how much I love him and share my hopes and dreams. Sometimes I just share nonsense stuff. They say that people in comas can hear those around them, and I guess I think it is true for babies in the womb and sleeping kiddos too. The words said in those quiet, private moments get processed by the heart & soul, rather than the ears.
I'm missing that with you. I want to just put my hands on my swollen belly and tell you a million things, secrets just for you. But since someone else is getting to feel your kicks and hiccups, I'm left with this blog. I imagine one day I will print these entries out for you, and as you sit in a quiet spot reading them, I hope that they will bring you a sense of comfort and peace.
Your Nanny (that's what we call Daddy's mom) told me about how when she was pregnant with your Uncle Andrew, she wondered how she would ever love him as much as she loved your Daddy. I think most parents wonder that with their second child. I mean the first kid comes along and you *know* that you will love them, but you become completely absorbed by every little action of this tiny being. It's a cliche because it is true: being a parent changes everything. And no matter how many times you hear it, or people try to explain it to you, you have absolutely no clue until you join the club.
I'm completely stupidly wrapped up in your brother. And for a long time I worried about how I could possibly love you that much too. Nanny, and Lola, and all the other parents of more than one child told me that it would just happen. I wouldn't love my children the same, since they would be unique, but I would certainly love them equally. And already I am starting to feel that.
Spud, your story is so different from Squirts and I love that. I'm freakin' anxious to get to know you and your quirks and to see what kind of young man you turn out to be.
***
Before I got on the computer to type out this entry, I was thinking about what I wanted to say. I refer to Squirt as "your brother," because in my mind, that is what he is: the person you will grow, love, fight, cause trouble with. But somewhere else in this world, you will have two other brothers... boys who share your DNA. It reminded me of a story of your Uncle Alan and Uncle Gordon that always makes me smile.
By the time you read these blogs, you will understand that in our family, relatives are defined by love, not blood. And that sometimes out of love, parents make choices that sometimes are hard for kids to understand. That's how it came to be that I didn't meet your Granddad (my dad) until I was in my teenage years. When we did finally meet, we had a family get together where Uncle Alan (my brother on Lola's side) and Uncle Gordon (my brother on Granddad's side) met. They were young (10 & 11 maybe), but understood that they were each technically my half brother. What they couldn't wrap their minds around was how they could both be my brother, and yet have no relation to each other. And so, they decided they must be "quarter siblings."
Adoption has added lots of new words to our family vocabulary (like "tummy mommy") and I think that "quarter sibling" might have to be another one as we all try to wrap around how exactly we are related. I hope you feel pretty special knowing that our overwhelming love for you is bringing two families together forever.
***
Last night your Great Grandpa kept dreaming that today would be the day we got the "labor has started" call. He left me a note on the kitchen table telling me that before he left for work. While it is appearing that today wasn't the day (unless something happens in the next 45 minutes), I still want to save that note for your book.
One thing that you will always have over your older brother is that you have a better baby book. Confession: Momma is not very crafty or creative. I was looking at your Aunt Katie's baby book the other day and her mommy has all these detailed notes about her first smile, foods, yadda, yadda, yadda. Um, your brothers baby book didn't really happen; I was too busy trying to make sure he survived and that I didn't completely fall apart from exhaustion. I barely had the energy to watch tv, let alone keep notes on what was happening. And yet with you, I feel this compulsion to record everything. This blog, the notes I scribbled on a random piece of paper when we got "the call," the cards from your secret admirers. Maybe one day, you, me, and your tummy mommy will collaborate on a book that becomes a must-read for those involved with adoption. ;)
***
During that time, I would talk to your brother non-stop. I would tell him how much I wanted him out and all that. He was due at the end of September, but I would tell him that he could come out in early September, on my Grandpa's birthday, or on the anniversary of when Daddy & I met. When it looked like he was going to arrive in August, we thought about your Great Grandpa's birthday and other loved ones with August birthdays. And yet, he came on just a random Thursday. It wasn't until a few weeks later, when GG came to meet him, that I learned that his birthday was actually her and my Grandpa's wedding anniversary. Which being the sentimental sap I am, means a lot.
I wish that I could talk like that to you now. Daddy has a cousin with a birthday this week that would probably be flattered to share cake with you. If you decide to come on Christmas, you'll be joining a cousin and your great-great grandmother on the birthday calendar. That week in between Christmas and New Years, there are a couple of aunts, uncles, and cousins that you can celebrate with. But if you really want to hold out and not give Momma a 2011 tax deduction, I hope you wait for January 3, your Nanny's birthday.
I wish that I could go for long walks, eat spicy food, and all that in an effort to get you into the real world, but you will come when you are good and ready.
I was talking to Nana last night about how much my belief in a higher power has increased since becoming a parent. As hard as this waiting is, I know that there is a purpose for it. And when the day comes that you arrive and I look into your eyes, I will smile at how perfectly it all worked out. And maybe, like with your brother, it will be some kind of special calendar day that I didn't even think of!
***
Alright my little Spud.. now that Momma has written you a novel, it is time for me to head to bed. I keep thinking how important sleeping every chance I get is, since I don't know when I'll be frantically packing up the van and driving 11 hours to meet you.
XOXO
I'm missing that with you. I want to just put my hands on my swollen belly and tell you a million things, secrets just for you. But since someone else is getting to feel your kicks and hiccups, I'm left with this blog. I imagine one day I will print these entries out for you, and as you sit in a quiet spot reading them, I hope that they will bring you a sense of comfort and peace.
Your Nanny (that's what we call Daddy's mom) told me about how when she was pregnant with your Uncle Andrew, she wondered how she would ever love him as much as she loved your Daddy. I think most parents wonder that with their second child. I mean the first kid comes along and you *know* that you will love them, but you become completely absorbed by every little action of this tiny being. It's a cliche because it is true: being a parent changes everything. And no matter how many times you hear it, or people try to explain it to you, you have absolutely no clue until you join the club.
I'm completely stupidly wrapped up in your brother. And for a long time I worried about how I could possibly love you that much too. Nanny, and Lola, and all the other parents of more than one child told me that it would just happen. I wouldn't love my children the same, since they would be unique, but I would certainly love them equally. And already I am starting to feel that.
Spud, your story is so different from Squirts and I love that. I'm freakin' anxious to get to know you and your quirks and to see what kind of young man you turn out to be.
***
Before I got on the computer to type out this entry, I was thinking about what I wanted to say. I refer to Squirt as "your brother," because in my mind, that is what he is: the person you will grow, love, fight, cause trouble with. But somewhere else in this world, you will have two other brothers... boys who share your DNA. It reminded me of a story of your Uncle Alan and Uncle Gordon that always makes me smile.
By the time you read these blogs, you will understand that in our family, relatives are defined by love, not blood. And that sometimes out of love, parents make choices that sometimes are hard for kids to understand. That's how it came to be that I didn't meet your Granddad (my dad) until I was in my teenage years. When we did finally meet, we had a family get together where Uncle Alan (my brother on Lola's side) and Uncle Gordon (my brother on Granddad's side) met. They were young (10 & 11 maybe), but understood that they were each technically my half brother. What they couldn't wrap their minds around was how they could both be my brother, and yet have no relation to each other. And so, they decided they must be "quarter siblings."
Adoption has added lots of new words to our family vocabulary (like "tummy mommy") and I think that "quarter sibling" might have to be another one as we all try to wrap around how exactly we are related. I hope you feel pretty special knowing that our overwhelming love for you is bringing two families together forever.
***
Last night your Great Grandpa kept dreaming that today would be the day we got the "labor has started" call. He left me a note on the kitchen table telling me that before he left for work. While it is appearing that today wasn't the day (unless something happens in the next 45 minutes), I still want to save that note for your book.
One thing that you will always have over your older brother is that you have a better baby book. Confession: Momma is not very crafty or creative. I was looking at your Aunt Katie's baby book the other day and her mommy has all these detailed notes about her first smile, foods, yadda, yadda, yadda. Um, your brothers baby book didn't really happen; I was too busy trying to make sure he survived and that I didn't completely fall apart from exhaustion. I barely had the energy to watch tv, let alone keep notes on what was happening. And yet with you, I feel this compulsion to record everything. This blog, the notes I scribbled on a random piece of paper when we got "the call," the cards from your secret admirers. Maybe one day, you, me, and your tummy mommy will collaborate on a book that becomes a must-read for those involved with adoption. ;)
***
During that time, I would talk to your brother non-stop. I would tell him how much I wanted him out and all that. He was due at the end of September, but I would tell him that he could come out in early September, on my Grandpa's birthday, or on the anniversary of when Daddy & I met. When it looked like he was going to arrive in August, we thought about your Great Grandpa's birthday and other loved ones with August birthdays. And yet, he came on just a random Thursday. It wasn't until a few weeks later, when GG came to meet him, that I learned that his birthday was actually her and my Grandpa's wedding anniversary. Which being the sentimental sap I am, means a lot.
I wish that I could talk like that to you now. Daddy has a cousin with a birthday this week that would probably be flattered to share cake with you. If you decide to come on Christmas, you'll be joining a cousin and your great-great grandmother on the birthday calendar. That week in between Christmas and New Years, there are a couple of aunts, uncles, and cousins that you can celebrate with. But if you really want to hold out and not give Momma a 2011 tax deduction, I hope you wait for January 3, your Nanny's birthday.
I wish that I could go for long walks, eat spicy food, and all that in an effort to get you into the real world, but you will come when you are good and ready.
I was talking to Nana last night about how much my belief in a higher power has increased since becoming a parent. As hard as this waiting is, I know that there is a purpose for it. And when the day comes that you arrive and I look into your eyes, I will smile at how perfectly it all worked out. And maybe, like with your brother, it will be some kind of special calendar day that I didn't even think of!
***
Alright my little Spud.. now that Momma has written you a novel, it is time for me to head to bed. I keep thinking how important sleeping every chance I get is, since I don't know when I'll be frantically packing up the van and driving 11 hours to meet you.
XOXO
Saturday, December 10, 2011
The Journey
Hey Spud,
Can you hurry up and be born already? I'm going bonkers!
Your brothers (the human one and the furry one) and I left Texas a week ago to begin our journey northward to prepare for your arrival. It was really hard saying goodbye to Daddy and our house and life, but at least now I'm in driving distance of you. It is just super weird not knowing when we will be home again.. it could be nearly February!
We spent Sunday night in Oklahoma City. I picked a motel with an indoor pool, so Squirt and I splashed around for a bit before bed. I really hope that you end up loving the water as much as he does because quite frankly, I don't consider it a vacation unless there is swimming and preferably ocean involved.
Monday night we arrived in St. Louis to see Aunt Jenn. She bought you a ton of cute gifts and one silly gift for mommy... a tub of cream cheese frosting. When I was pregnant with your brother I had gestational diabetes, which sucks for a pregnant hormonal lady with a sweet tooth. I joked that I wanted to eat a can of frosting as soon as I delivered, so as I came down from my pain medicine high, Aunt Jenn produced a can of frosting, that I savored more than any other food in my whole life.
On Tuesday we reached Chicago and got to spend a few days with your Lola, GG, and Uncle Alan. We didn't really do much, but it was sure good for my soul to see them.
And yesterday we arrived in Indiana, with Daddy's family, which is where we plan to be until your Tummy Mommy goes into labor.
Spud, you need to hurry up and get the heck out into the real world. I miss your Daddy and won't get to see him until you arrive or Christmas, whichever comes first. And I don't wait well.
Your tummy mommy and I have both been having crazy dreams the last week. She woke up from a bad dream earlier in the week and couldn't feel you moving. She rushed to the ER and got an ultrasound. Right as they were hooking her up, you kicked. You are going to be a little stinker, aren't you?
Everyone is so anxious for you! I mentioned that Aunt Jenn got you some gifts, and so did her mom (Auntie Linda). And your secret admirers struck again the other day, so you now have a bathtub.
I just want you here! Today I went and saw your cousin, Ryan. He is just a month old and OHMYGOSH cute! It gave me major baby fever. I just want to hold you in my arms, kiss your beautiful face, nibble your fingers and toes, and tell you how much I love you.
My mind is non-stop racing, wondering how these next few days/weeks will play out. I just want the phone to ring and have it be it. C'mon!!!!
I'm hoping for tomorrow. Your Tummy Mommy said that "11" is one of her favorite numbers, so 12-11-11 seems like a good birthday to me. And it would mean that you and your cousin Nathaniel are exactly 3 months apart.
Your Nanny was recently on a trip and found charms with your brothers name, Ryan, and Nathaniel. She wore them on a necklace today and it is so cute! She also bought one with your name and is pretty anxious to add that 4th charm.
I keep joking that I want to drive to where your Tummy Mommy is and slip some potosin in her coffee.
It has been a little over a year since Daddy and I started this whole adoption journey officially, but as it gets closer Spud, I realize that I have been waiting for you my whole life. While I was going through all the up's and down's, I couldn't imagine that it was all leading to you, but here I am... knowing that you are truly my son, my love, my reason for living. "God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you." I was so upset when I found out about the CF thing with your brother and Daddy & I had to make the decision on whether to have more bio babies. But now, it seems like adopting you was exactly what we were supposed to do.
I want to type a million words to you right now because so much is spinning in my head, but I will get off the computer and head to bed. But as I say goodnight, I send up a prayer that the next time I update this blog will be to let the world know that my beautiful son has arrived. I love you Spud. I know you will be here in your own time, but if you could hurry up and get here on Mommy's schedule, I'd appreciate it.
XOXO
Momma
Can you hurry up and be born already? I'm going bonkers!
Your brothers (the human one and the furry one) and I left Texas a week ago to begin our journey northward to prepare for your arrival. It was really hard saying goodbye to Daddy and our house and life, but at least now I'm in driving distance of you. It is just super weird not knowing when we will be home again.. it could be nearly February!
We spent Sunday night in Oklahoma City. I picked a motel with an indoor pool, so Squirt and I splashed around for a bit before bed. I really hope that you end up loving the water as much as he does because quite frankly, I don't consider it a vacation unless there is swimming and preferably ocean involved.
Monday night we arrived in St. Louis to see Aunt Jenn. She bought you a ton of cute gifts and one silly gift for mommy... a tub of cream cheese frosting. When I was pregnant with your brother I had gestational diabetes, which sucks for a pregnant hormonal lady with a sweet tooth. I joked that I wanted to eat a can of frosting as soon as I delivered, so as I came down from my pain medicine high, Aunt Jenn produced a can of frosting, that I savored more than any other food in my whole life.
On Tuesday we reached Chicago and got to spend a few days with your Lola, GG, and Uncle Alan. We didn't really do much, but it was sure good for my soul to see them.
And yesterday we arrived in Indiana, with Daddy's family, which is where we plan to be until your Tummy Mommy goes into labor.
Spud, you need to hurry up and get the heck out into the real world. I miss your Daddy and won't get to see him until you arrive or Christmas, whichever comes first. And I don't wait well.
Your tummy mommy and I have both been having crazy dreams the last week. She woke up from a bad dream earlier in the week and couldn't feel you moving. She rushed to the ER and got an ultrasound. Right as they were hooking her up, you kicked. You are going to be a little stinker, aren't you?
Everyone is so anxious for you! I mentioned that Aunt Jenn got you some gifts, and so did her mom (Auntie Linda). And your secret admirers struck again the other day, so you now have a bathtub.
I just want you here! Today I went and saw your cousin, Ryan. He is just a month old and OHMYGOSH cute! It gave me major baby fever. I just want to hold you in my arms, kiss your beautiful face, nibble your fingers and toes, and tell you how much I love you.
My mind is non-stop racing, wondering how these next few days/weeks will play out. I just want the phone to ring and have it be it. C'mon!!!!
I'm hoping for tomorrow. Your Tummy Mommy said that "11" is one of her favorite numbers, so 12-11-11 seems like a good birthday to me. And it would mean that you and your cousin Nathaniel are exactly 3 months apart.
Your Nanny was recently on a trip and found charms with your brothers name, Ryan, and Nathaniel. She wore them on a necklace today and it is so cute! She also bought one with your name and is pretty anxious to add that 4th charm.
I keep joking that I want to drive to where your Tummy Mommy is and slip some potosin in her coffee.
It has been a little over a year since Daddy and I started this whole adoption journey officially, but as it gets closer Spud, I realize that I have been waiting for you my whole life. While I was going through all the up's and down's, I couldn't imagine that it was all leading to you, but here I am... knowing that you are truly my son, my love, my reason for living. "God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you." I was so upset when I found out about the CF thing with your brother and Daddy & I had to make the decision on whether to have more bio babies. But now, it seems like adopting you was exactly what we were supposed to do.
I want to type a million words to you right now because so much is spinning in my head, but I will get off the computer and head to bed. But as I say goodnight, I send up a prayer that the next time I update this blog will be to let the world know that my beautiful son has arrived. I love you Spud. I know you will be here in your own time, but if you could hurry up and get here on Mommy's schedule, I'd appreciate it.
XOXO
Momma
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Giving Thanks
Hey Spud,
Your Tummy Mommy just totally made my day. She sent me a couple pictures of herself and one of your siblings. Ohmygosh! She is so pretty and your brothers and sister are so cute. You are going to be one good looking little man.
This experience just keeps getting better and better!
Love you!
Your Tummy Mommy just totally made my day. She sent me a couple pictures of herself and one of your siblings. Ohmygosh! She is so pretty and your brothers and sister are so cute. You are going to be one good looking little man.
This experience just keeps getting better and better!
Love you!
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Anxious
Hey Spud,
You are due in about 4 1/2 weeks and Momma is getting ANXIOUS!!! I never got to this point in my pregnancy with your brother, so while I know you need some more time to bake, I'm back to jumping at every phone call thinking "is she in labor?"
I'm mostly ready for that call. Your suitcase has been packed since three days after we heard you were coming. I'm working on getting your brother and I ready. I've got a pretty good mental plan of what needs to happen when the call comes, but it is a bit overwhelming.
Last night, Daddy & I went and painted some pottery for your room. This is something we enjoyed doing when Squirt was on the way and we had just as much fun doing it for you. It is just neat to sit there and paint and daydream about what you will be like. I painted a sign with your name and I love just looking at your name. It sounds silly, but I just think the name we picked will allow you to be flexible...you can use your full name when you need to be serious (I think it would be the perfect name for a lawyer, but no pressure!) or your nickname when you are out with your friends.
I'm super not crafty, but I want to make a door sign for your room, something like "Squirt & Spud Live Here. No Girls Allowed (except Mom)." It won't be for a few more months, but I am super duper excited for you two to share a room, especially as you get older. I'm excited for the late night laughing, the inevitable fighting, and the bunk beds as soon as Squirt turns 6. I found this really awesome design for triple bunk beds and I'm wanting those so bad for you boys! That way you can have friends or cousins sleep over whenever you want (another nice perk of homeschooling!).
At the pottery place, Daddy started painting your piggy bank. It is a sock monkey done in Indianapolis Colts colors. It is going to look so cute in your room!
Today I really need to clean out your car seat and Daddy is supposed to rearrange the seats in my mini-van to maximize space for you. I'm also going to try and talk to your Tummy Mommy today and see how she is feeling.
I guess that's about it for today little one. I love you and am just so thankful to be your Mom. I hope that one day, when you become a parent, you get to feel the love I already feel for you. You already amaze me and make me proud. Just always believe in yourself, the way that Daddy & I do. And know that while you might not have come into our lives the "traditional" way, you have the added blessing of being completely loved by two sets of parents.
Your Lola is worried about you at some point dealing with feelings of abandonment and such. While I understand her concerns, I hope above all else that by doing an open adoption, you are able to avoid some of those feelings. In a perfect world, I would want you to see that you weren't given up, you were extra loved. Whatever your beliefs in God and how we are created come to be, I believe that you were created from the love of 4 people, not just 2, like most of the "traditional" people.
I have so many fears for you Spud. In my heart I believe that your Daddy & I, by teaming up with your Tummy Mommy & Daddy are giving you the best life possible. I fear that we will make mistakes, but I have those same worries about your brother too. It is part of being a parent. I won't always have the answers and I won't always be able to protect you, and I apologize in advance for that. Just know that all the decisions the four of us make are made with the best of intentions. We are all just flawed humans, doing the best we can at any given moment.
Anxious to hold you,
Momma
You are due in about 4 1/2 weeks and Momma is getting ANXIOUS!!! I never got to this point in my pregnancy with your brother, so while I know you need some more time to bake, I'm back to jumping at every phone call thinking "is she in labor?"
I'm mostly ready for that call. Your suitcase has been packed since three days after we heard you were coming. I'm working on getting your brother and I ready. I've got a pretty good mental plan of what needs to happen when the call comes, but it is a bit overwhelming.
Last night, Daddy & I went and painted some pottery for your room. This is something we enjoyed doing when Squirt was on the way and we had just as much fun doing it for you. It is just neat to sit there and paint and daydream about what you will be like. I painted a sign with your name and I love just looking at your name. It sounds silly, but I just think the name we picked will allow you to be flexible...you can use your full name when you need to be serious (I think it would be the perfect name for a lawyer, but no pressure!) or your nickname when you are out with your friends.
I'm super not crafty, but I want to make a door sign for your room, something like "Squirt & Spud Live Here. No Girls Allowed (except Mom)." It won't be for a few more months, but I am super duper excited for you two to share a room, especially as you get older. I'm excited for the late night laughing, the inevitable fighting, and the bunk beds as soon as Squirt turns 6. I found this really awesome design for triple bunk beds and I'm wanting those so bad for you boys! That way you can have friends or cousins sleep over whenever you want (another nice perk of homeschooling!).
At the pottery place, Daddy started painting your piggy bank. It is a sock monkey done in Indianapolis Colts colors. It is going to look so cute in your room!
Today I really need to clean out your car seat and Daddy is supposed to rearrange the seats in my mini-van to maximize space for you. I'm also going to try and talk to your Tummy Mommy today and see how she is feeling.
I guess that's about it for today little one. I love you and am just so thankful to be your Mom. I hope that one day, when you become a parent, you get to feel the love I already feel for you. You already amaze me and make me proud. Just always believe in yourself, the way that Daddy & I do. And know that while you might not have come into our lives the "traditional" way, you have the added blessing of being completely loved by two sets of parents.
Your Lola is worried about you at some point dealing with feelings of abandonment and such. While I understand her concerns, I hope above all else that by doing an open adoption, you are able to avoid some of those feelings. In a perfect world, I would want you to see that you weren't given up, you were extra loved. Whatever your beliefs in God and how we are created come to be, I believe that you were created from the love of 4 people, not just 2, like most of the "traditional" people.
I have so many fears for you Spud. In my heart I believe that your Daddy & I, by teaming up with your Tummy Mommy & Daddy are giving you the best life possible. I fear that we will make mistakes, but I have those same worries about your brother too. It is part of being a parent. I won't always have the answers and I won't always be able to protect you, and I apologize in advance for that. Just know that all the decisions the four of us make are made with the best of intentions. We are all just flawed humans, doing the best we can at any given moment.
Anxious to hold you,
Momma
Friday, November 18, 2011
Your Tummy Mommy
Hey Spud,
Today is your Tummy Mommy's birthday and so I thought I would dedicate today's post to telling you a little bit about her and my feelings towards her.
First, to say that I am thankful for your Tummy Mommy really doesn't do justice to the amount of gratitude and awe I feel for the woman. She is going through something that I can't even wrap my brain around, all because she loves you so much and wants the absolute best for you.
Next, I admire your mommy's honesty and bravery so much. When you are older and ask questions, I will explain to you more about how invasive the adoption process is. On our end, Daddy and I had to have background checks and interviews and doctors appointments. It was kind of strange having to open up to complete strangers about our pasts. But nothing we went through compares to the type of stuff your Tummy Mommy has had to talk about with bunches of strangers. And yet, she has been amazing at talking about stuff that is hard in order to assure that you get the best quality care that you deserve.
When we talked to her on the phone the other day, I was struck by what a good mom she is to your other siblings. She picked Daddy & I for you because she wants the best for all of you and right now she just can't give all of you everything you deserve. While there may come a time where her decision is hard to understand, I want you to always remember that she is making the right decision for all of you.
I respect your Tummy Mommy & Daddy so much and I hope that you will do the same.
Today is your Tummy Mommy's birthday and so I thought I would dedicate today's post to telling you a little bit about her and my feelings towards her.
First, to say that I am thankful for your Tummy Mommy really doesn't do justice to the amount of gratitude and awe I feel for the woman. She is going through something that I can't even wrap my brain around, all because she loves you so much and wants the absolute best for you.
Next, I admire your mommy's honesty and bravery so much. When you are older and ask questions, I will explain to you more about how invasive the adoption process is. On our end, Daddy and I had to have background checks and interviews and doctors appointments. It was kind of strange having to open up to complete strangers about our pasts. But nothing we went through compares to the type of stuff your Tummy Mommy has had to talk about with bunches of strangers. And yet, she has been amazing at talking about stuff that is hard in order to assure that you get the best quality care that you deserve.
When we talked to her on the phone the other day, I was struck by what a good mom she is to your other siblings. She picked Daddy & I for you because she wants the best for all of you and right now she just can't give all of you everything you deserve. While there may come a time where her decision is hard to understand, I want you to always remember that she is making the right decision for all of you.
I respect your Tummy Mommy & Daddy so much and I hope that you will do the same.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Such a gift
Oh Spud!
There is so much I want to say to you today, but I'm not sure I can put my excitement into words. Just a few minutes ago, Daddy and I got off the phone with your tummy mommy & daddy. I love them! How could I not? I'm completely head over heels in love with you and they created you and then picked Daddy & I to have the honor of raising you.
One thing is for certain kiddo.. you are very, Very, VERY loved all around.
More later my love... just wanted you to know that right now you have 4 very relieved parents who feel like things are working out awesomely in regards to you.
XOXO
Momma
There is so much I want to say to you today, but I'm not sure I can put my excitement into words. Just a few minutes ago, Daddy and I got off the phone with your tummy mommy & daddy. I love them! How could I not? I'm completely head over heels in love with you and they created you and then picked Daddy & I to have the honor of raising you.
One thing is for certain kiddo.. you are very, Very, VERY loved all around.
More later my love... just wanted you to know that right now you have 4 very relieved parents who feel like things are working out awesomely in regards to you.
XOXO
Momma
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Checking In
Hey Little Man,
Sorry I haven't written in a few days, but my brain has pretty much been jello. I didn't know until this week that even when you are "paper pregnant," you can still get the dreaded pregnancy brain.
The daycare is slowly shutting down to make room for you. Today is the last day with one of my boys and when I told daddy he said that it is "bittersweet." Yes, I am thrilled for you, but it is hard saying goodbye to kids that I have grown to love.
In happy news, your cousin, Ryan, was born on Tuesday night. Your poor Aunt Katie had a pretty long and rough delivery and while Ryan is doing okay, he will stay in the hospital for about a week to get all better. You are going to love them so much Spud! And I'm just so thrilled that you and Ryan will be so close in age. Their best friends have a boy about your brothers age and then are expecting another little boy pretty much anytime now. I'm so anxious to have a bbq at their house with all five of you boys running around the back yard, chasing the dogs.
I'm slowly getting stuff ready for you. I've got your suitcase packed. My favorite thing is a little santa outfit that was your brothers. It is so crazy to think that you will be here for Christmas. Daddy has been deployed the last two years, so I'm just so thrilled to spend the holiday with all three of my boys!!!!
Today we have a conference call with the agency to start talking about details. EEK! This is really happening.
I love you so much little guy and will be holding you soon...
Momma
Sorry I haven't written in a few days, but my brain has pretty much been jello. I didn't know until this week that even when you are "paper pregnant," you can still get the dreaded pregnancy brain.
The daycare is slowly shutting down to make room for you. Today is the last day with one of my boys and when I told daddy he said that it is "bittersweet." Yes, I am thrilled for you, but it is hard saying goodbye to kids that I have grown to love.
In happy news, your cousin, Ryan, was born on Tuesday night. Your poor Aunt Katie had a pretty long and rough delivery and while Ryan is doing okay, he will stay in the hospital for about a week to get all better. You are going to love them so much Spud! And I'm just so thrilled that you and Ryan will be so close in age. Their best friends have a boy about your brothers age and then are expecting another little boy pretty much anytime now. I'm so anxious to have a bbq at their house with all five of you boys running around the back yard, chasing the dogs.
I'm slowly getting stuff ready for you. I've got your suitcase packed. My favorite thing is a little santa outfit that was your brothers. It is so crazy to think that you will be here for Christmas. Daddy has been deployed the last two years, so I'm just so thrilled to spend the holiday with all three of my boys!!!!
Today we have a conference call with the agency to start talking about details. EEK! This is really happening.
I love you so much little guy and will be holding you soon...
Momma
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Dear Ducks, Please Get in a Row
I'm thankful today that my mom raised me to be an organized freak. Writing a good list gives me goose bumps, and I'm able to think of (and plan for) millions of different scenarios. While this is not always a positive character trait, I'm currently finding it very useful.
Um, in case you are new to my blog: I'm having a baby in less than 7 weeks!!!!!!! Perfect, great, wonderful. Except, I've only known this for 3 days, not the 8 months most pregnant women have. And the baby is being born about 30 hours away, not just wherever I happen to go into labor at.
Yesterday I pulled out Squirt's newborn stuff to start figuring out what I need for Spud. I did a couple of loads of laundry and packed a suitcase for him. I've got some outfits, sleepers, sleep sacks, a warm blanket, a few receiving blankets, a boppy and a toy. They say that the hospital will give us the first few days worth of diapers/formula/pacifiers. And then there is a Walgreens/Walmart/CVS on every corner.
I'm trying to determine how we are going to set up the house when we get back/where to put Spud's stuff for now.
I am antsy for tomorrow so that I can talk to our adoption specialist about traveling and start working out all the details. We really want to drive so that we can save money, bring the dog, stop to see family on our way home, yadda, yadda, yadda. But even if we leave the second we get the call that Tummy Mommy is in labor, there is almost certainly no way we can make it in time for the birth.
I have managed to find two hotels in the area that fit our needs (pet friendly, suite style, indoor pool for Squirt), so at least I know WHERE to go when I get there. And I've lined up my amazing aunt to drive up from her home to watch Squirt while we are at the hospital with Spud.
Honestly, I just want to close my daycare on December 2, pack up Squirt and the dog and drive to my in-laws. Then when labor starts, I can drive there and get there in time and Squishy can fly in. Ha! Now that I have typed that out, that might just be the solution. Thanks blog readers for helping me with my crazy!
Yesterday morning I called my mom for advice. I had all this frantic energy and no clue where to start. "My first instinct," I told her, "is to clean my fridge, but I know that's not the best use of my time." She laughed and explained to me that it is just a road trip, which I have made many of times, and a newborn, which I have successfully managed once.
A million thoughts are racing through my mind, so please forgive my crazy frantic posts over the next few weeks.
Love you all!
Um, in case you are new to my blog: I'm having a baby in less than 7 weeks!!!!!!! Perfect, great, wonderful. Except, I've only known this for 3 days, not the 8 months most pregnant women have. And the baby is being born about 30 hours away, not just wherever I happen to go into labor at.
Yesterday I pulled out Squirt's newborn stuff to start figuring out what I need for Spud. I did a couple of loads of laundry and packed a suitcase for him. I've got some outfits, sleepers, sleep sacks, a warm blanket, a few receiving blankets, a boppy and a toy. They say that the hospital will give us the first few days worth of diapers/formula/pacifiers. And then there is a Walgreens/Walmart/CVS on every corner.
I'm trying to determine how we are going to set up the house when we get back/where to put Spud's stuff for now.
I am antsy for tomorrow so that I can talk to our adoption specialist about traveling and start working out all the details. We really want to drive so that we can save money, bring the dog, stop to see family on our way home, yadda, yadda, yadda. But even if we leave the second we get the call that Tummy Mommy is in labor, there is almost certainly no way we can make it in time for the birth.
I have managed to find two hotels in the area that fit our needs (pet friendly, suite style, indoor pool for Squirt), so at least I know WHERE to go when I get there. And I've lined up my amazing aunt to drive up from her home to watch Squirt while we are at the hospital with Spud.
Honestly, I just want to close my daycare on December 2, pack up Squirt and the dog and drive to my in-laws. Then when labor starts, I can drive there and get there in time and Squishy can fly in. Ha! Now that I have typed that out, that might just be the solution. Thanks blog readers for helping me with my crazy!
Yesterday morning I called my mom for advice. I had all this frantic energy and no clue where to start. "My first instinct," I told her, "is to clean my fridge, but I know that's not the best use of my time." She laughed and explained to me that it is just a road trip, which I have made many of times, and a newborn, which I have successfully managed once.
A million thoughts are racing through my mind, so please forgive my crazy frantic posts over the next few weeks.
Love you all!
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Whoa
Now that the craziness of yesterday is over, it is starting to sink in that "Holy Crap! I'm having a baby in 7 weeks!"
Last night I was thinking about how I'm sort of lucky with this "pregnancy" because I can still get a full nights sleep up until he actually gets here. HA! That didn't so much happen... my mind is racing with about ten bizzillion things that need to get done.
I don't even really know where to start.
I'm having a baby. A baby!
Last night our dear friend (love you Auntie Lisa) showed me a picture of her oldest son holding Squirt the first time they babysat. He was soooo tiny! I seriously don't even remember him being that small. He was about 2 months old in the picture. And now we are starting all over with a new one.
Squishy deployed when Squirt was just a few weeks old, so I am beyond thankful that this time he will be home to experience the first smile, first rolling over... that sort of thing.
Random things that are swarming in my mind (this blog might feature a lot of these over the next few weeks).. how having a new baby is going to force Squirt to "grow up" maybe a little faster than I would like. My "baby" isn't going to be the baby anymore. I was thinking about how often we carry him and snuggle with him and all that. But now that might change a little. Or Squishy and I are really going to have to tag team a lot with this parenting gig. I totally have a single mom mentality and then just feel blessed when Squishy is around to help. The daycare has given me a taste of what it will be like to juggle two of them, but I still think it will be strange doing it 24 hours a day.
I've already got an amazing double stroller (technically it has a jump seat that turns it into a triple stroller), so I'm not afraid to travel. Just need to figure out how to get it in and out of my van. (Note to self: have Justin remove back seat of van before trip for more luggage space).
Okay, time to get off this blog and actually be productive. My nesting instinct is kicking in hardcore and since the boys are still sleeping, I have some alone time to work.
Last night I was thinking about how I'm sort of lucky with this "pregnancy" because I can still get a full nights sleep up until he actually gets here. HA! That didn't so much happen... my mind is racing with about ten bizzillion things that need to get done.
I don't even really know where to start.
I'm having a baby. A baby!
Last night our dear friend (love you Auntie Lisa) showed me a picture of her oldest son holding Squirt the first time they babysat. He was soooo tiny! I seriously don't even remember him being that small. He was about 2 months old in the picture. And now we are starting all over with a new one.
Squishy deployed when Squirt was just a few weeks old, so I am beyond thankful that this time he will be home to experience the first smile, first rolling over... that sort of thing.
Random things that are swarming in my mind (this blog might feature a lot of these over the next few weeks).. how having a new baby is going to force Squirt to "grow up" maybe a little faster than I would like. My "baby" isn't going to be the baby anymore. I was thinking about how often we carry him and snuggle with him and all that. But now that might change a little. Or Squishy and I are really going to have to tag team a lot with this parenting gig. I totally have a single mom mentality and then just feel blessed when Squishy is around to help. The daycare has given me a taste of what it will be like to juggle two of them, but I still think it will be strange doing it 24 hours a day.
I've already got an amazing double stroller (technically it has a jump seat that turns it into a triple stroller), so I'm not afraid to travel. Just need to figure out how to get it in and out of my van. (Note to self: have Justin remove back seat of van before trip for more luggage space).
Okay, time to get off this blog and actually be productive. My nesting instinct is kicking in hardcore and since the boys are still sleeping, I have some alone time to work.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Let's Run a Marathon, Without Training
Today was insane!
All I kept thinking was "how on earth do people get the call from the hospital and have to rush to do all this and rush to get to their child?"
Earlier in the week we had scheduled ourselves for a financial management class on base. Very important topic to us considering that as of right now we have about $400 to our names and owe Squishy's mom about a grand for helping us out today. We got to the class and the opening speaker was really awesome. After that, my mind just sort of went foggy.
I had prepared a to-do list for today and sitting in class was freaking out about how on earth we were going to get it all done with our other commitments (a co-workers going away party for Squishy, my daycare responsibilities). I asked Squishy if we could divide and conquer... one stay at the class while the other started the to-do list. Instead, we politely explained to the teacher why we needed to leave and started our marathon.
Legal office to get contracts notarized.. Squishy's work to copy & fax documents... post office... calls to the bank... calls to Squishy's mom... learning the hard way that apparently cash is frowned upon as a form of currency these days.
When all was said and done... over 25 grand is on its way to our to the agency, along with the official paperwork.
I found two hotels that we could potentially stay at (enough room for Squirt to play/swim, and room to bring the 11 pound furry son). We have our route figured out to and from, which includes a stop in Squishy's home state to see the family. We started putting out feelers to extended family to come help us with Squirt while we are at the hospital and such.
Sent a message to the social worker that did our homestudy. Apparently if the adoption follows Texas standards, we have to do 5 post placement visits within 5 months... at $300 a pop.
Still so many questions and details to figure out, but at least at this very moment, I feel like she could go into labor right now and we could make it work. I'm assuming we will talk to our adoption specialist next week and the plan is to have a conference call with the birth family next week as well. Those conversations should give us a better idea of when we will actually need to travel and how long we will need to stay there.
Poor Squishy is still in a holding pattern with work about where/if we are moving. And he has to wait on that so that he can re-enlist. Which needs to be done by December 15. So, um, a little bit of anxiety on how that is all going to come together. But it will.
All that is important is that the 4 of us are about to be together.
All I kept thinking was "how on earth do people get the call from the hospital and have to rush to do all this and rush to get to their child?"
Earlier in the week we had scheduled ourselves for a financial management class on base. Very important topic to us considering that as of right now we have about $400 to our names and owe Squishy's mom about a grand for helping us out today. We got to the class and the opening speaker was really awesome. After that, my mind just sort of went foggy.
I had prepared a to-do list for today and sitting in class was freaking out about how on earth we were going to get it all done with our other commitments (a co-workers going away party for Squishy, my daycare responsibilities). I asked Squishy if we could divide and conquer... one stay at the class while the other started the to-do list. Instead, we politely explained to the teacher why we needed to leave and started our marathon.
Legal office to get contracts notarized.. Squishy's work to copy & fax documents... post office... calls to the bank... calls to Squishy's mom... learning the hard way that apparently cash is frowned upon as a form of currency these days.
When all was said and done... over 25 grand is on its way to our to the agency, along with the official paperwork.
I found two hotels that we could potentially stay at (enough room for Squirt to play/swim, and room to bring the 11 pound furry son). We have our route figured out to and from, which includes a stop in Squishy's home state to see the family. We started putting out feelers to extended family to come help us with Squirt while we are at the hospital and such.
Sent a message to the social worker that did our homestudy. Apparently if the adoption follows Texas standards, we have to do 5 post placement visits within 5 months... at $300 a pop.
Still so many questions and details to figure out, but at least at this very moment, I feel like she could go into labor right now and we could make it work. I'm assuming we will talk to our adoption specialist next week and the plan is to have a conference call with the birth family next week as well. Those conversations should give us a better idea of when we will actually need to travel and how long we will need to stay there.
Poor Squishy is still in a holding pattern with work about where/if we are moving. And he has to wait on that so that he can re-enlist. Which needs to be done by December 15. So, um, a little bit of anxiety on how that is all going to come together. But it will.
All that is important is that the 4 of us are about to be together.
The Story
Wednesday night I had a bit of a break-down. Hubby has a lot on his plate right now with work and a lot on his mind with an upcoming re-enlistment. I'm always stressed (it is just part of my personality). I got into the tub to relax and he came and sat in the bathroom with me and I just verbally vomited all my fears at him. I sobbed about "what if Spud never finds us?" and gave him the option of putting off the adoption so that he could get out of the military if he thought that was best. After venting, we both felt a little better and life went on.
Yesterday afternoon I was sitting in my van, waiting for one of my daycare kiddos to get out of school. I had 5 other little ones with me, watching a Winnie the Pooh movie and eating their snacks.
Then the phone rang.
Number not programmed in my phone.
Heart does the jumping thing, but my mind says "probably another daycare call."
"Hello?"
"Hi is this Sunny?"
"Yes."
"This is So-And-So with American Adoptions."
*I'm pretty sure I came close to passing out at this point.* "Is this THE CALL?"
"It could be."
The next few minutes (I checked my phone, the whole conversation lasted 11 minutes and 37 seconds) are kind of a blur. The bell rang at the school and I had to get the 6 year old. She conference called Squishy. She told us the details and then WOW!
Since I was in a school zone and about to drive on to base and had 6 kids with me, I couldn't call Squishy back right away. LONGEST DRIVE HOME EVER!
Got the kids inside and settled and called Squishy back. I still had about an hour before he got home from work. I called my mom. I called my best friend. And then I've pretty much been shell shocked ever since.
Spud is due December 23, but the mom has delivered early on previous pregnancies, so we are expecting to have the little guy sooner.
I can't really go into to many details to protect the birth family and their privacy, but I will tell you that the situation is about near perfect for what we were hoping for as far as their situation/open adoption.
We have a crazy few days ahead of us of signing the next round of paperwork, getting it notarized/faxed/mailed off. And trying to get ALL the money wired to Kansas City. In addition, we need to get our jobs stuff settled (I'm closing the daycare, Squishy has to get stuff in order for short notice leave). We still need to talk to the agency about all the legal details (though it sounds like their state and ours work pretty well together) and about how long we can expect to be gone. Oh! And then we have to, I don't know, GET READY TO HAVE A NEWBORN!!!
I am in such shock. I haven't cried yet. Not sure when it will all actually hit me. In just a few weeks I'll be doing the 2am feedings again and all that. I'm going to be a mommy again!!!
Spud just had a cousin born in September and another one is due pretty much any day now (do you hear that Horton?). That means my in-laws will have 3 new grandsons within like a 4 month time period. CRAZINESS!!
Squishy's family is pretty notorious for being genetically partial to boys. We joked that the only way anyone was going to get a girl was if Spud was a girl. But the boy streak continues! Squishy's brother is rapidly approaching having enough kids/nephews for a basketball team.
One of the awkward things we need to do right away is send the agency a card for the birth mom. Um, where is the section of Hallmark for "thank you for picking me to raise your child"? We found a pretty, yet simple thank you card and are just writing our own message and including a photo from Halloween.
Mind is still racing... busy day ahead. Love you all! I just can't thank you enough for the support you have shown us over the last year as we started on this journey.
Yesterday afternoon I was sitting in my van, waiting for one of my daycare kiddos to get out of school. I had 5 other little ones with me, watching a Winnie the Pooh movie and eating their snacks.
Then the phone rang.
Number not programmed in my phone.
Heart does the jumping thing, but my mind says "probably another daycare call."
"Hello?"
"Hi is this Sunny?"
"Yes."
"This is So-And-So with American Adoptions."
*I'm pretty sure I came close to passing out at this point.* "Is this THE CALL?"
"It could be."
The next few minutes (I checked my phone, the whole conversation lasted 11 minutes and 37 seconds) are kind of a blur. The bell rang at the school and I had to get the 6 year old. She conference called Squishy. She told us the details and then WOW!
Since I was in a school zone and about to drive on to base and had 6 kids with me, I couldn't call Squishy back right away. LONGEST DRIVE HOME EVER!
Got the kids inside and settled and called Squishy back. I still had about an hour before he got home from work. I called my mom. I called my best friend. And then I've pretty much been shell shocked ever since.
Spud is due December 23, but the mom has delivered early on previous pregnancies, so we are expecting to have the little guy sooner.
I can't really go into to many details to protect the birth family and their privacy, but I will tell you that the situation is about near perfect for what we were hoping for as far as their situation/open adoption.
We have a crazy few days ahead of us of signing the next round of paperwork, getting it notarized/faxed/mailed off. And trying to get ALL the money wired to Kansas City. In addition, we need to get our jobs stuff settled (I'm closing the daycare, Squishy has to get stuff in order for short notice leave). We still need to talk to the agency about all the legal details (though it sounds like their state and ours work pretty well together) and about how long we can expect to be gone. Oh! And then we have to, I don't know, GET READY TO HAVE A NEWBORN!!!
I am in such shock. I haven't cried yet. Not sure when it will all actually hit me. In just a few weeks I'll be doing the 2am feedings again and all that. I'm going to be a mommy again!!!
Spud just had a cousin born in September and another one is due pretty much any day now (do you hear that Horton?). That means my in-laws will have 3 new grandsons within like a 4 month time period. CRAZINESS!!
Squishy's family is pretty notorious for being genetically partial to boys. We joked that the only way anyone was going to get a girl was if Spud was a girl. But the boy streak continues! Squishy's brother is rapidly approaching having enough kids/nephews for a basketball team.
One of the awkward things we need to do right away is send the agency a card for the birth mom. Um, where is the section of Hallmark for "thank you for picking me to raise your child"? We found a pretty, yet simple thank you card and are just writing our own message and including a photo from Halloween.
Mind is still racing... busy day ahead. Love you all! I just can't thank you enough for the support you have shown us over the last year as we started on this journey.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Shock & Awe
We got "The Call" today. I will post more details in the coming weeks, but the long & short of it is that right before Christmas, Spud will be joining our family. We are so excited to welcome HIM!!! Yep, Spud is a boy. We are over the moon excited and still in complete shock.
As I'm sure you can imagine, we have A LOT to do in the next 7 weeks.
Thank you for all of your love and support.
As I'm sure you can imagine, we have A LOT to do in the next 7 weeks.
Thank you for all of your love and support.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Why we want an open adoption
A few months ago, the randomness of life introduced me to a woman who had chosen adoption for her first born. She was really open and honest with me about her feelings and the process and such.
In our conversations, it was obvious how much she loves her child, but how she truly believes she made the right decision by selecting a family that could give him the life he deserved/she couldn't provide at the time.
There are very few instances that I could think of where a woman could carry a child for nine months, go through the emotional decision of picking an adoptive family, the pain of child birth and then stop loving that child. So based on that assumption, Spud will have a tummy mommy and maybe a dad and grandparents and siblings that love him or her. How selfish of a parent would I be to deny my child a relationship with people that love him?
The young woman that I referred to earlier recently posted on facebook that her firstborn is in the hospital with some serious medical issues. It is breaking his parents hearts, and hers. I know you don't know this little boy or his parents or his tummy mommy, but can you please keep them in your thoughts for me? Thanks!
When I read the note, I was surprised to see that she is facebook friends with his mom. How awesome is that? That is on the extremely open end of the adoption spectrum, but ideally that is what we would love. We want Spud's tummy mommy to always be apart of our family, if she is comfortable.
That is one of the big things we have learned about adoption... that the relationship we have with the birth mom is really not up to us. We told the agency what amount of contact we would be comfortable with, but it is completely possible for her to not want a connection with us. We also understand that her level of contact might change over the years, as her life situations change.
***
I got an e-mail yesterday from the agency that November is National Adoption Month and November 19 is National Adoption Day. When I told Squishy that, he asked, "is that your new goal day?" Yep! So Spud, if these messages are somehow reaching your tummy mommy's heart, we would love to be matched with you in time to celebrate this year. I'm excited to add this important date to our family calendar and come up with new traditions and ways to celebrate.
***
Your daddy has to go away for work for several months at a time. Whenever he is gone, I struggle with how much to tell him about what is going on at home. I want him to know all the details, but I also don't want him to feel bad about missing out on the fun, or feel bad that he can't fix the things that are going wrong.
This morning I found myself having this perfect moment. Daddy, Squirt, and I were waking up and talking and laughing. As soon as the thought, "nothing could beat this moment and feeling" entered my head, I suddenly felt your absence. I truly enjoy the life I have been given and created, but I know that it will be all that much sweeter when you are with us.
Loving you lots,
Momma
In our conversations, it was obvious how much she loves her child, but how she truly believes she made the right decision by selecting a family that could give him the life he deserved/she couldn't provide at the time.
There are very few instances that I could think of where a woman could carry a child for nine months, go through the emotional decision of picking an adoptive family, the pain of child birth and then stop loving that child. So based on that assumption, Spud will have a tummy mommy and maybe a dad and grandparents and siblings that love him or her. How selfish of a parent would I be to deny my child a relationship with people that love him?
The young woman that I referred to earlier recently posted on facebook that her firstborn is in the hospital with some serious medical issues. It is breaking his parents hearts, and hers. I know you don't know this little boy or his parents or his tummy mommy, but can you please keep them in your thoughts for me? Thanks!
When I read the note, I was surprised to see that she is facebook friends with his mom. How awesome is that? That is on the extremely open end of the adoption spectrum, but ideally that is what we would love. We want Spud's tummy mommy to always be apart of our family, if she is comfortable.
That is one of the big things we have learned about adoption... that the relationship we have with the birth mom is really not up to us. We told the agency what amount of contact we would be comfortable with, but it is completely possible for her to not want a connection with us. We also understand that her level of contact might change over the years, as her life situations change.
***
I got an e-mail yesterday from the agency that November is National Adoption Month and November 19 is National Adoption Day. When I told Squishy that, he asked, "is that your new goal day?" Yep! So Spud, if these messages are somehow reaching your tummy mommy's heart, we would love to be matched with you in time to celebrate this year. I'm excited to add this important date to our family calendar and come up with new traditions and ways to celebrate.
***
Your daddy has to go away for work for several months at a time. Whenever he is gone, I struggle with how much to tell him about what is going on at home. I want him to know all the details, but I also don't want him to feel bad about missing out on the fun, or feel bad that he can't fix the things that are going wrong.
This morning I found myself having this perfect moment. Daddy, Squirt, and I were waking up and talking and laughing. As soon as the thought, "nothing could beat this moment and feeling" entered my head, I suddenly felt your absence. I truly enjoy the life I have been given and created, but I know that it will be all that much sweeter when you are with us.
Loving you lots,
Momma
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Today would be perfect!
While there is nothing guaranteed about adoption, in all likelihood we will get "the call" during normal business hours. A tummy mommy will have seen our profile and said "they are the ones," and someone from the agency will call to let us know that you are officially on your way. In rare situations, we might get called in the evening or on a weekend, if a tummy mommy has already had you and picked us at the last minute. But generally, it is the phone calls from unknown numbers during the week that get my heart racing.
The agency will start by calling me and if they can't reach me, they will try daddy. If we are able to, we will be able to conference in the other parent, if not, we just need to write the info down to share. For some reason, this makes me really nervous. On the one hand, if I get the call and can't get a hold of your dad, I wonder how I will stay calm, especially with daycare kids running around. And how will I contain my emotions while trying to get a hold of him. The nice thing is, he has already forgiven me in advance if in this situation I tell your Nanny & Lola before I tell him. On the other hand, what if he gets the call? You should know already that mommy is a bit of a control freak and I'm sure I will bombard him with a bizzillion question that he won't know the answer to.
When I found out I was pregnant with Squirt, it was early in the morning. I called your daddy, who had just left for PT, and told him to come home. I met him at the door with the test and we got excited together for a few minutes, but then he was like "I really need to get to work." I guess I just want us to be physically together when we get "the call" that you are on your way.
So today would be PERFECT! It is the middle of the week, so prime time to call. Daddy is home sick today from work (which NEVER happens) and Squirt is sick too, so no daycare kiddos (which NEVER happens). So the three of us are just having a quiet day together while the rest of the world goes by.
If the phone rings today, Daddy and I will be together and get to put the agency on speakerphone and hold hands and smile and jump up and down while we hear all the details.
***
In other Spud news, you should know that I obsessively check the agency website. They tell you not to, but that's like telling a woman trying to get pregnant that she shouldn't think about it. HA! Not gonna happen.
As of right now there are 45 couples that are waiting with us. It seems to me that you should feel amazingly special because any one of us would feel beyond blessed to love you and be your parents. And we are going to feel so lucky and honored when your tummy mommy picks us and you finally find us. 45 families. Those are good odds that you will find us soon, right?
I also spend a lot of time looking at the "available situations," babies that for whatever reason are having a hard time finding the right parents. Usually it is because of the cost. I read the stories... the due dates, the gender, the home state, and I squeeze my eyes closed and try to see the baby in my head. While those babies aren't you, I seem attached to them and just pray so hard that they find their right parents quickly. I can't imagine the emotions for the birth mom whose baby hasn't found a forever home yet.
***
Well, Spud, it is time to get started with my day. I love you always and a little bit more each day. If you have any say in the matter, I think today would be a perfect day to let Daddy and I know that you are on the way.
XOXO
The agency will start by calling me and if they can't reach me, they will try daddy. If we are able to, we will be able to conference in the other parent, if not, we just need to write the info down to share. For some reason, this makes me really nervous. On the one hand, if I get the call and can't get a hold of your dad, I wonder how I will stay calm, especially with daycare kids running around. And how will I contain my emotions while trying to get a hold of him. The nice thing is, he has already forgiven me in advance if in this situation I tell your Nanny & Lola before I tell him. On the other hand, what if he gets the call? You should know already that mommy is a bit of a control freak and I'm sure I will bombard him with a bizzillion question that he won't know the answer to.
When I found out I was pregnant with Squirt, it was early in the morning. I called your daddy, who had just left for PT, and told him to come home. I met him at the door with the test and we got excited together for a few minutes, but then he was like "I really need to get to work." I guess I just want us to be physically together when we get "the call" that you are on your way.
So today would be PERFECT! It is the middle of the week, so prime time to call. Daddy is home sick today from work (which NEVER happens) and Squirt is sick too, so no daycare kiddos (which NEVER happens). So the three of us are just having a quiet day together while the rest of the world goes by.
If the phone rings today, Daddy and I will be together and get to put the agency on speakerphone and hold hands and smile and jump up and down while we hear all the details.
***
In other Spud news, you should know that I obsessively check the agency website. They tell you not to, but that's like telling a woman trying to get pregnant that she shouldn't think about it. HA! Not gonna happen.
As of right now there are 45 couples that are waiting with us. It seems to me that you should feel amazingly special because any one of us would feel beyond blessed to love you and be your parents. And we are going to feel so lucky and honored when your tummy mommy picks us and you finally find us. 45 families. Those are good odds that you will find us soon, right?
I also spend a lot of time looking at the "available situations," babies that for whatever reason are having a hard time finding the right parents. Usually it is because of the cost. I read the stories... the due dates, the gender, the home state, and I squeeze my eyes closed and try to see the baby in my head. While those babies aren't you, I seem attached to them and just pray so hard that they find their right parents quickly. I can't imagine the emotions for the birth mom whose baby hasn't found a forever home yet.
***
Well, Spud, it is time to get started with my day. I love you always and a little bit more each day. If you have any say in the matter, I think today would be a perfect day to let Daddy and I know that you are on the way.
XOXO
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Pennies from Heaven
I've always gotten excited when I found a penny on the ground... the old myth that it brought good luck.
A few years ago your Great Grandma sent me an e-mail forward about how when you find a penny, heads or tails, it is a sign from someone in Heaven telling you that they are thinking about you. I love that idea!
I just found a penny in the washing machine and my first thoughts were of you, Spud. This adoption process has turned me inside out in a lot of ways and made me question so many things. It is often hard to keep the faith that we are doing the right thing and to believe that you really are going to find us someday.
My Grandpa is up in Heaven... he has been there for over 10 years now, but not a day goes by that I don't think of him. He was my role model for unconditional love. He was my world and most people would say that I was his. And yet, biologically, he wasn't my grandpa at all. When he fell in love with your great grandma, she already had two young kiddos. Early into their marriage they had a baby together and he adopted the older two (your Lola and her brother).
Adoption, for several generations now, is part of your legacy Spud. I have always been raised that love has very little to do with biology.
While I love your brother with my whole heart and soul, I love you just as much. I love that Squirt is a part of my flesh, that he grew in my body, and that I can look at him and notice features that he got from me. But I love that you aren't those things. I love that I'm having to fight so hard for you and wait so long. I love that once you are finally in my arms, it will be yet another display of how crazy and miraculous life can be. Your brother was very much wanted, but no where near as much as you aren wanted. With you, I know what parenting is about... the up's and down's, the love and heartbreak, and still I want to do it again. It was *relatively* easy to have Squirt, but with you it is a long, exhausting, expensive process.... and yet there is nothing I would rather do with my time and money.
This post is a little disjointed, I suppose, but I just keep thinking about my grandpa and about you. Daddy and I aren't very spiritual and not at all religious, but I truly believe that my grandpa is up there watching over us and this whole process. After he passed away, I developed an allergy to the same medication he was allergic to. It sounds crazy (and the migraine I get from it hurts like you would not believe), but I love that connection to him. And it makes me so curious to see what similarities you and I will share.
I love you little one. Can you please find us today?
Love, Momma
A few years ago your Great Grandma sent me an e-mail forward about how when you find a penny, heads or tails, it is a sign from someone in Heaven telling you that they are thinking about you. I love that idea!
I just found a penny in the washing machine and my first thoughts were of you, Spud. This adoption process has turned me inside out in a lot of ways and made me question so many things. It is often hard to keep the faith that we are doing the right thing and to believe that you really are going to find us someday.
My Grandpa is up in Heaven... he has been there for over 10 years now, but not a day goes by that I don't think of him. He was my role model for unconditional love. He was my world and most people would say that I was his. And yet, biologically, he wasn't my grandpa at all. When he fell in love with your great grandma, she already had two young kiddos. Early into their marriage they had a baby together and he adopted the older two (your Lola and her brother).
Adoption, for several generations now, is part of your legacy Spud. I have always been raised that love has very little to do with biology.
While I love your brother with my whole heart and soul, I love you just as much. I love that Squirt is a part of my flesh, that he grew in my body, and that I can look at him and notice features that he got from me. But I love that you aren't those things. I love that I'm having to fight so hard for you and wait so long. I love that once you are finally in my arms, it will be yet another display of how crazy and miraculous life can be. Your brother was very much wanted, but no where near as much as you aren wanted. With you, I know what parenting is about... the up's and down's, the love and heartbreak, and still I want to do it again. It was *relatively* easy to have Squirt, but with you it is a long, exhausting, expensive process.... and yet there is nothing I would rather do with my time and money.
This post is a little disjointed, I suppose, but I just keep thinking about my grandpa and about you. Daddy and I aren't very spiritual and not at all religious, but I truly believe that my grandpa is up there watching over us and this whole process. After he passed away, I developed an allergy to the same medication he was allergic to. It sounds crazy (and the migraine I get from it hurts like you would not believe), but I love that connection to him. And it makes me so curious to see what similarities you and I will share.
I love you little one. Can you please find us today?
Love, Momma
Monday, October 24, 2011
Checking In
Hey Little One!
Not really much to write about this week; just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you.
This weekend I worked on cleaning up the garage and I gotta tell you kid: you already have a TON of stuff. Part of me is hoping that you are twin boys because that is the only way to justify the amount of clothing I have accumulated for you. On the other hand, if you are a girl, I have a great excuse to donate all of that stuff and go SHOPPING!
I love you Spud! I can't wait to hold you in my arms and watch you grow and change and turn into your own magical self.
Hoping you find us soon,
Momma
Not really much to write about this week; just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you.
This weekend I worked on cleaning up the garage and I gotta tell you kid: you already have a TON of stuff. Part of me is hoping that you are twin boys because that is the only way to justify the amount of clothing I have accumulated for you. On the other hand, if you are a girl, I have a great excuse to donate all of that stuff and go SHOPPING!
I love you Spud! I can't wait to hold you in my arms and watch you grow and change and turn into your own magical self.
Hoping you find us soon,
Momma
Monday, October 17, 2011
Sign?
Spud,
If you had any clue how ready we are for you to join our family, I'm sure the phone would ring right this second telling us that you are on the way home.
Daddy and I have been talking about your name for quite awhile now and have settled on two names that start with the letter "Z." Your big brothers name starts with "A," so this way our family will be complete "from A-Z."
Yesterday, we were at the mall buying shoes and saw a product line with the same Z names we have picked! It made me smile like you would not believe. I can't wait to buy a whole bunch of the stuff to send to your grandparents once we get the call.
Daddy and I talk a lot about your birth mom. Recently, I met a lady who picked adoption for her son and he calls her his "tummy mommy." We both really like that, and think that is how we will talk to you about your mom.
The adoption agency sent us a packing list for when we get "the call" that it is time to travel to go get you, so that got me excited. And I continue to mentally go through what baby stuff we need for you. Mostly I think we just need some bottles/formula/newborn diapers. I'm going to try to be a better mom for you than I was for your brother and actually use the cloth diapers, now that I have a better laundry system in place. And I think I want to get you a new pack & play. But that is all stuff that we can pick up once the call comes.
Can you hurry up and have your birth mommy pick us now please? Eek! It has been less than 2 months of waiting and the average can be up to 9 months! Mommy is slowly going insane. I wasn't very patient when I was trying to get pregnant with your brother either! And waiting for his delivery was super frustrating (probably why he came 5 weeks early).
I'm taking your brother to the pumpkin patch today and I am wondering if we will get the call by Halloween.... we have a onesie ready for you in case! And I'm starting my Christmas shopping and wondering if Santa will need to bring two gifts to our house.
Loving you always,
Momma
If you had any clue how ready we are for you to join our family, I'm sure the phone would ring right this second telling us that you are on the way home.
Daddy and I have been talking about your name for quite awhile now and have settled on two names that start with the letter "Z." Your big brothers name starts with "A," so this way our family will be complete "from A-Z."
Yesterday, we were at the mall buying shoes and saw a product line with the same Z names we have picked! It made me smile like you would not believe. I can't wait to buy a whole bunch of the stuff to send to your grandparents once we get the call.
Daddy and I talk a lot about your birth mom. Recently, I met a lady who picked adoption for her son and he calls her his "tummy mommy." We both really like that, and think that is how we will talk to you about your mom.
The adoption agency sent us a packing list for when we get "the call" that it is time to travel to go get you, so that got me excited. And I continue to mentally go through what baby stuff we need for you. Mostly I think we just need some bottles/formula/newborn diapers. I'm going to try to be a better mom for you than I was for your brother and actually use the cloth diapers, now that I have a better laundry system in place. And I think I want to get you a new pack & play. But that is all stuff that we can pick up once the call comes.
Can you hurry up and have your birth mommy pick us now please? Eek! It has been less than 2 months of waiting and the average can be up to 9 months! Mommy is slowly going insane. I wasn't very patient when I was trying to get pregnant with your brother either! And waiting for his delivery was super frustrating (probably why he came 5 weeks early).
I'm taking your brother to the pumpkin patch today and I am wondering if we will get the call by Halloween.... we have a onesie ready for you in case! And I'm starting my Christmas shopping and wondering if Santa will need to bring two gifts to our house.
Loving you always,
Momma
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Another Dream
Hey My Spud!
I had another dream about you last night. On the one hand, I love dreaming about you when it feels so real. On the other hand, it just makes me miss you more. It is amazing to me how I can miss you, even though we've never met.
In the dream, your Aunt Katie had just had her baby and I was all excited for my new nephew. In the craziness, we got the call from the adoption agency that you had found us. I was so overwhelmed that I forgot to ask for any details. Later, I went to the office to get paperwork and learned that you were a boy, due in early November, from Austin, TX.
Loving you always,
Momma
I had another dream about you last night. On the one hand, I love dreaming about you when it feels so real. On the other hand, it just makes me miss you more. It is amazing to me how I can miss you, even though we've never met.
In the dream, your Aunt Katie had just had her baby and I was all excited for my new nephew. In the craziness, we got the call from the adoption agency that you had found us. I was so overwhelmed that I forgot to ask for any details. Later, I went to the office to get paperwork and learned that you were a boy, due in early November, from Austin, TX.
Loving you always,
Momma
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Passing Time
Hey Spud,
7 years ago today, I became "Mrs. Squishy." Your daddy and I had a small wedding that was very "us," and it was one of those perfect days that even if I had a million dollars, I wouldn't change a thing about.
Last night we went out to celebrate. We saw a movie called "50/50" about a young man battling cancer. It was so good, but made me cry and cry and cry. Especially the scenes with his mother. I just kept thinking about you and Squirt and how I want so much to protect you from everything, and yet there are going to be hurts that I can't heal.
After the movie, we went to dinner at Red Lobster, which is mommy & daddy tradition, and just talked, and talked, and talked. We talked a lot about you, of course. We also talked about possibly moving soon and what impact that would have on our family and on finding you.
Waiting for you is extremely difficult. I try to give myself landmarks on the calendar to pass the time. For the last few weeks I've been saying "wouldn't it be awesome for Spud to be born on our anniversary?" Well, unless you plan to enter this world in the next few hours, I'm going to bump it to Thanksgiving. "Wouldn't it be awesome for Spud to be born on Thanksgiving?"
Daddy put in a request to change bases. We've been here over 5 years now and I think we are ready for a change. The problem with moving is that if we do it before you find us, we have to deactivate for a little while. Once we move and get settled in a new house, we will have to do the homestudy process all over again. It stresses me out a bit because I wanted you and your brother to be fairly close in age, but I'm trying to remind myself that "everything happens for a reason" (an expression your daddy hates) and that you will find us when the time and place is right. Maybe we are perfect for a birth mom, but where we live right now is just too far away for her.
I had a dream about you again last night. We have your first name picked out already, but have been a bit stuck on a middle name if you end up being a girl. In my dream last night, it was vitally important that we give you the middle name Brianna. I told Daddy about it this morning and he likes it, so I think that is going on the short list.
Spud, I want to apologize in advance if I don't blog much in the coming weeks. I think I'm just preparing myself for the reality that you might not find us. Mommy's heart just hurts. She wants you sooooo much and just feels helpless right now to do anything. Once you get here and start to grow up, you'll learn that patience is not one of my virtue's. I'm a bit like your brother right now "I want what I want and I want it NOW!" Except, I can't call up the adoption agency and have a temper tantrum to try to bring you home sooner. But believe me, if I thought that would work even the slightest bit, I would do it.
I love you kiddo. I'm trying to stay positive, but if you could go easy on me and find us soon, I'd really appreciate it.
7 years ago today, I became "Mrs. Squishy." Your daddy and I had a small wedding that was very "us," and it was one of those perfect days that even if I had a million dollars, I wouldn't change a thing about.
Last night we went out to celebrate. We saw a movie called "50/50" about a young man battling cancer. It was so good, but made me cry and cry and cry. Especially the scenes with his mother. I just kept thinking about you and Squirt and how I want so much to protect you from everything, and yet there are going to be hurts that I can't heal.
After the movie, we went to dinner at Red Lobster, which is mommy & daddy tradition, and just talked, and talked, and talked. We talked a lot about you, of course. We also talked about possibly moving soon and what impact that would have on our family and on finding you.
Waiting for you is extremely difficult. I try to give myself landmarks on the calendar to pass the time. For the last few weeks I've been saying "wouldn't it be awesome for Spud to be born on our anniversary?" Well, unless you plan to enter this world in the next few hours, I'm going to bump it to Thanksgiving. "Wouldn't it be awesome for Spud to be born on Thanksgiving?"
Daddy put in a request to change bases. We've been here over 5 years now and I think we are ready for a change. The problem with moving is that if we do it before you find us, we have to deactivate for a little while. Once we move and get settled in a new house, we will have to do the homestudy process all over again. It stresses me out a bit because I wanted you and your brother to be fairly close in age, but I'm trying to remind myself that "everything happens for a reason" (an expression your daddy hates) and that you will find us when the time and place is right. Maybe we are perfect for a birth mom, but where we live right now is just too far away for her.
I had a dream about you again last night. We have your first name picked out already, but have been a bit stuck on a middle name if you end up being a girl. In my dream last night, it was vitally important that we give you the middle name Brianna. I told Daddy about it this morning and he likes it, so I think that is going on the short list.
Spud, I want to apologize in advance if I don't blog much in the coming weeks. I think I'm just preparing myself for the reality that you might not find us. Mommy's heart just hurts. She wants you sooooo much and just feels helpless right now to do anything. Once you get here and start to grow up, you'll learn that patience is not one of my virtue's. I'm a bit like your brother right now "I want what I want and I want it NOW!" Except, I can't call up the adoption agency and have a temper tantrum to try to bring you home sooner. But believe me, if I thought that would work even the slightest bit, I would do it.
I love you kiddo. I'm trying to stay positive, but if you could go easy on me and find us soon, I'd really appreciate it.
Monday, October 3, 2011
The other side
The adoption folks will tell you that the best thing to do during this waiting period is just to continue on with your life as normally as possible. Um, that is next to impossible to do, but I understand their point.
I figured that I'd spend a little time today telling you about the other side of my life/what I do while waiting for the phone to ring.
Growing up, I was always very goal oriented and career minded. Whether I was going to be a lawyer or a doctor or a teacher or a chef, I was always sure that I would go to college and have a career. Keep in mind, I said "career," not job. To me a job is something you do to make money. A career is a series of jobs in the same field that you grow in and that fulfills a part of you beyond just a paycheck.
I had a career for a couple of years. And then I married a man in the military and learned that the expression "if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans," is all too true. After a couple of years of jobs to pay the bills, I had the opportunity to restart my career. I spent two years as a college administrator and while it wasn't always glamorous, I felt like I was doing something powerful/making a difference/yadda, yadda, yadda. And then I got pregnant.
I want to be a mommy so much, but I had always pictured myself as a working parent. You know: rush around in the mornings, drop the kid at daycare, come home to lots of hugs and cuddles. Yet, when actually faced with a growing life inside of me, I couldn't do it.
It seems like only yesterday that Squishy and I had dinner at Carino's and talked about my options. If I left my job, money would be tight. But the real deciding factor came down to the damn military. If I worked full-time (and sometimes even more than that) and Squishy was deployed, who would raise Squirt? And so I put in my notice and about 6 weeks before he was born, I left my career.
It would be a lie to say that there isn't a part of me that doesn't miss it. And sometimes I imagine that if I wanted to, I could go back again, but the truth is, my heart/mind have moved on. It is hard to admit to myself that something I wanted so much for so long just doesn't satisfy me any more, but it doesn't.
So without a career, I started thinking about a job. A series of events led me to open a daycare center in my home. There are some things I really like about it, and some things I really hate.
The kids are great and wonderful. But if you have ever spent five minutes with kids, you know that they can also be exhausting. And while it is nice to be earning some money again, the money is pretty pathetic. I love getting hugs and cuddles and hearing the laughter and teaching them. But it is the hardest job I have ever had. I work usually from 6:30-5, with no breaks. Days that I get to eat/go to the bathroom as the urge strikes are slim.
And I'm home all day. I can't go upstairs for safety reasons with the kiddos, so my life has become three rooms. Field trips are fun and great, but trying to get multiple two year olds anywhere is a bit like herding cats.
The hardest part though is that I don't get to go home. When the last daycare kiddo gets picked up, I'm still here, surrounded by toys that need sanitized, meals that need to be prepped for my own family, and an endless list of chores.
It all just leaves me wondering if I'll ever be professional satisfied, or if that is just an impossibility.
I figured that I'd spend a little time today telling you about the other side of my life/what I do while waiting for the phone to ring.
Growing up, I was always very goal oriented and career minded. Whether I was going to be a lawyer or a doctor or a teacher or a chef, I was always sure that I would go to college and have a career. Keep in mind, I said "career," not job. To me a job is something you do to make money. A career is a series of jobs in the same field that you grow in and that fulfills a part of you beyond just a paycheck.
I had a career for a couple of years. And then I married a man in the military and learned that the expression "if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans," is all too true. After a couple of years of jobs to pay the bills, I had the opportunity to restart my career. I spent two years as a college administrator and while it wasn't always glamorous, I felt like I was doing something powerful/making a difference/yadda, yadda, yadda. And then I got pregnant.
I want to be a mommy so much, but I had always pictured myself as a working parent. You know: rush around in the mornings, drop the kid at daycare, come home to lots of hugs and cuddles. Yet, when actually faced with a growing life inside of me, I couldn't do it.
It seems like only yesterday that Squishy and I had dinner at Carino's and talked about my options. If I left my job, money would be tight. But the real deciding factor came down to the damn military. If I worked full-time (and sometimes even more than that) and Squishy was deployed, who would raise Squirt? And so I put in my notice and about 6 weeks before he was born, I left my career.
It would be a lie to say that there isn't a part of me that doesn't miss it. And sometimes I imagine that if I wanted to, I could go back again, but the truth is, my heart/mind have moved on. It is hard to admit to myself that something I wanted so much for so long just doesn't satisfy me any more, but it doesn't.
So without a career, I started thinking about a job. A series of events led me to open a daycare center in my home. There are some things I really like about it, and some things I really hate.
The kids are great and wonderful. But if you have ever spent five minutes with kids, you know that they can also be exhausting. And while it is nice to be earning some money again, the money is pretty pathetic. I love getting hugs and cuddles and hearing the laughter and teaching them. But it is the hardest job I have ever had. I work usually from 6:30-5, with no breaks. Days that I get to eat/go to the bathroom as the urge strikes are slim.
And I'm home all day. I can't go upstairs for safety reasons with the kiddos, so my life has become three rooms. Field trips are fun and great, but trying to get multiple two year olds anywhere is a bit like herding cats.
The hardest part though is that I don't get to go home. When the last daycare kiddo gets picked up, I'm still here, surrounded by toys that need sanitized, meals that need to be prepped for my own family, and an endless list of chores.
It all just leaves me wondering if I'll ever be professional satisfied, or if that is just an impossibility.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Missing
There is a part of my heart that is missing, and its name is Spud. I suck at waiting and my arms are desperate to hold my kiddo.
This weekend we traveled a few hours south to see one of our dearest friends and spend the day at Sea World. There is something so comforting about just getting to talk with those friends that feel more like family; an honesty comes to the surface and you talk about things you have been afraid to admit even to yourself.
As much as I want another child, I question on a daily basis if I am being selfish in trying to adopt. There are no guarantees in life and I just get wrapped up in worry that I'm not going to be able to protect Squirt or Spud from the bad that exists in this world.
My head spins round and round. When I named this blog "Waiting for Spud," I really did it more as a joke, thinking we would be one of those couples matched right away. But a month in and I'm wondering how long I can wait without going insane.
Every time the phone rings, I jump. And when it is an out of area number not programmed in my phone, my heart races. When the voice on the other end turns out not to be from the adoption agency, I'll be honest, I grieve a little. I dream about getting the phone call and find myself just wanting to sleep, willing it to be tomorrow, thinking "maybe this will be the day Spud finds us." Yes, my job is exhausting, but I went to bed before 8pm last night!
Everyone says that Spud will find us, but what if he or she doesn't? What if Spud isn't meant to be? No one wants to talk to me about that and it feels lonely and scary. This weekend my friend mentioned if we go a whole year with nothing, we could try another agency or IVF or something. But honestly, I don't think my heart is there. I don't know if I can re-do the home study and background checks and medical checks.
Blah! Sorry for such a negative post. I feel a lot of guilt even writing this when there are bunches of couples that have sick babies or no kiddos at all. I figure if Spud does find us one day, I want these blogs to show him or her all the love and emotions that went into bringing them home.
This weekend we traveled a few hours south to see one of our dearest friends and spend the day at Sea World. There is something so comforting about just getting to talk with those friends that feel more like family; an honesty comes to the surface and you talk about things you have been afraid to admit even to yourself.
As much as I want another child, I question on a daily basis if I am being selfish in trying to adopt. There are no guarantees in life and I just get wrapped up in worry that I'm not going to be able to protect Squirt or Spud from the bad that exists in this world.
My head spins round and round. When I named this blog "Waiting for Spud," I really did it more as a joke, thinking we would be one of those couples matched right away. But a month in and I'm wondering how long I can wait without going insane.
Every time the phone rings, I jump. And when it is an out of area number not programmed in my phone, my heart races. When the voice on the other end turns out not to be from the adoption agency, I'll be honest, I grieve a little. I dream about getting the phone call and find myself just wanting to sleep, willing it to be tomorrow, thinking "maybe this will be the day Spud finds us." Yes, my job is exhausting, but I went to bed before 8pm last night!
Everyone says that Spud will find us, but what if he or she doesn't? What if Spud isn't meant to be? No one wants to talk to me about that and it feels lonely and scary. This weekend my friend mentioned if we go a whole year with nothing, we could try another agency or IVF or something. But honestly, I don't think my heart is there. I don't know if I can re-do the home study and background checks and medical checks.
Blah! Sorry for such a negative post. I feel a lot of guilt even writing this when there are bunches of couples that have sick babies or no kiddos at all. I figure if Spud does find us one day, I want these blogs to show him or her all the love and emotions that went into bringing them home.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Three Weeks
Well Spud,
Daddy and I have been active with the agency for three weeks now and you still haven't found us yet. These three weeks honestly feel more like three years. I'm just so ready for you and I am having a hard time just relaxing and letting things happen as they will.
Last night I had a "Spud dream," as I call them. I had received two e-mails from birth families, saying they had picked us, only to find out they were spam. It was devastating.
I really don't have much to say today... just wanted to let you know that I love you and am thinking about you.
Desperate to meet you,
Momma
Daddy and I have been active with the agency for three weeks now and you still haven't found us yet. These three weeks honestly feel more like three years. I'm just so ready for you and I am having a hard time just relaxing and letting things happen as they will.
Last night I had a "Spud dream," as I call them. I had received two e-mails from birth families, saying they had picked us, only to find out they were spam. It was devastating.
I really don't have much to say today... just wanted to let you know that I love you and am thinking about you.
Desperate to meet you,
Momma
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Longing
I've been working the fair the last few nights and one of my favorite parts is helping customers so that I can check out the cute kids.
I worked at Burger King in high school and retail for awhile and I remember one of the perks being checking out good looking guys. Men, unless they are Hollywood hotties, don't even register on my radar anymore. I've got an incredibly wonderful/smart/sexy man at home. But babies and kids... they get my attention!
I'm just so ready to meet Spud. I want to know his or her background so that I can start imagining what they will look like. Tonight I saw the most gorgeous half black/half Hispanic little girl and I about wanted to kidnap her.
There was also this young couple (maybe college age) that ordered, and as they stood there waiting for their food, she rubbed her belly in that "there is a life inside me" kind of way. She wasn't showing at all, so maybe I'm just reading too much into the situation, but it made me wonder if they had just found out they were expecting.
I remember the day I learned that Squirt was on the way, and until he switched phones, Squishy had a picture of us celebrating at dinner the night we found out. So many crazy emotions.
I won't have that same bond with Spud, but I'm anxious to connect with the birth mom and hear her stories about finding out about Spud and feeling those first butterflies and kicks.
I'm so ready for Spud to come home. A little over two weeks is all that it has been and I'm just anxious.
I worked at Burger King in high school and retail for awhile and I remember one of the perks being checking out good looking guys. Men, unless they are Hollywood hotties, don't even register on my radar anymore. I've got an incredibly wonderful/smart/sexy man at home. But babies and kids... they get my attention!
I'm just so ready to meet Spud. I want to know his or her background so that I can start imagining what they will look like. Tonight I saw the most gorgeous half black/half Hispanic little girl and I about wanted to kidnap her.
There was also this young couple (maybe college age) that ordered, and as they stood there waiting for their food, she rubbed her belly in that "there is a life inside me" kind of way. She wasn't showing at all, so maybe I'm just reading too much into the situation, but it made me wonder if they had just found out they were expecting.
I remember the day I learned that Squirt was on the way, and until he switched phones, Squishy had a picture of us celebrating at dinner the night we found out. So many crazy emotions.
I won't have that same bond with Spud, but I'm anxious to connect with the birth mom and hear her stories about finding out about Spud and feeling those first butterflies and kicks.
I'm so ready for Spud to come home. A little over two weeks is all that it has been and I'm just anxious.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Checking In
Hey Spud,
On Sunday, your cousin Nathaniel was born and in just a few months your Aunt Katie will be delivering your next cousin. Daddy and I keep hoping that you will join the pack and we can have the "2011 babies."
We have been active with the agency for 2 weeks and I gotta tell you, the waiting really is the hardest part. I feel powerless and anxious. I'm trying to enjoy just being a family of three and appreciating how (relatively) easy life is. But really, I'm just ready for you to get here.
I am ready to turn Squirt's big boy bed back into a crib for you. I'm ready to snuggle and co-sleep with a tiny little one again. I'm ready to unpack the newborn car seat and all the tiny clothes. I'm ready to buy new bottles and formula again. Mostly, I'm just ready to get to know you.
Daddy and I have been going back and forth on your middle name. Your first name is pretty well set, but the middle name just isn't coming to us as easily. Last night I told Daddy that I think the reason for this is because I really want your birth mommy to help us pick. Maybe give you her last name or another family name?
Spud, I want you to always feel like Daddy and I are a team with your birth mom. I've always believed that children are best raised in a community of love and I think an open adoption is a perfect example of that.
Every night (and many times throughout the day) I think about your birth mom and what an amazing woman she must be. Since I already love you so much, I find myself in just such awe of her for creating you and picking us to be your parents.
Years from now, when you hear "your story," I want you to know how much you are wanted and loved by all of us. I jump every time the phone rings and stop breathing when it is a number not programmed in my phone. It's been 2 weeks but it feels like a lot longer. They said the average wait can be up to 9 months. I told Daddy that I'm giving myself 5 months of this waiting before I start freaking out and asking the agency what is wrong with us.
Well my little love, I need to get back to my day. Just know that Momma is thinking about you and loving you.
On Sunday, your cousin Nathaniel was born and in just a few months your Aunt Katie will be delivering your next cousin. Daddy and I keep hoping that you will join the pack and we can have the "2011 babies."
We have been active with the agency for 2 weeks and I gotta tell you, the waiting really is the hardest part. I feel powerless and anxious. I'm trying to enjoy just being a family of three and appreciating how (relatively) easy life is. But really, I'm just ready for you to get here.
I am ready to turn Squirt's big boy bed back into a crib for you. I'm ready to snuggle and co-sleep with a tiny little one again. I'm ready to unpack the newborn car seat and all the tiny clothes. I'm ready to buy new bottles and formula again. Mostly, I'm just ready to get to know you.
Daddy and I have been going back and forth on your middle name. Your first name is pretty well set, but the middle name just isn't coming to us as easily. Last night I told Daddy that I think the reason for this is because I really want your birth mommy to help us pick. Maybe give you her last name or another family name?
Spud, I want you to always feel like Daddy and I are a team with your birth mom. I've always believed that children are best raised in a community of love and I think an open adoption is a perfect example of that.
Every night (and many times throughout the day) I think about your birth mom and what an amazing woman she must be. Since I already love you so much, I find myself in just such awe of her for creating you and picking us to be your parents.
Years from now, when you hear "your story," I want you to know how much you are wanted and loved by all of us. I jump every time the phone rings and stop breathing when it is a number not programmed in my phone. It's been 2 weeks but it feels like a lot longer. They said the average wait can be up to 9 months. I told Daddy that I'm giving myself 5 months of this waiting before I start freaking out and asking the agency what is wrong with us.
Well my little love, I need to get back to my day. Just know that Momma is thinking about you and loving you.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
And so we wait
Dear Spud,
I just wanted you to know that I love you and am thinking about you. They said this part... the waiting to get matched... would be the hardest part, and they were right!
I try to keep myself distracted and not obsess, but you cross my mind a thousand times a day.
Lately, I feel like God/whatever Higher Power you pick to believe in, is sending Daddy and I lots of signs that we are on the right path with this adoption. We see little ones now and start wondering what you will look like. Two of the kiddos that are in my daycare right now are twins and they are just the most beautiful little boys. And there are two baby girls I have subbed for that have just this mass of hair and the chubbiest thighs. The other night on the phone, your Nanny was talking about how if you are a little girl, we will all be learning how to do little black baby hair. Confession: this is one of the biggest fears your Daddy and I have with the adoption. Daddy says if you are a boy, he'll just keep your hair really short like his.
This is the song that plays in my mind whenever I think of you. It is from the band The Moody Blues.
"I Know You're Out There Somewhere"
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know I'll find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
And somehow I'll return again to you
The mist is lifting slowly
I can see the way ahead
And I've left behind the empty streets
That once inspired my life
And the strength of the emotion
Is like thunder in the air
'Cos the promise that we made each other
Haunts me to the end
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere you can hear my voice
I know I'll find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know I'll find you somehow
And somehow I'll return again to you
The secret of your beauty
And the mystery of your soul
I've been searching for in everyone I meet
And the times I've been mistaken
It's impossible to say
And the grass is growing
Underneath our feet
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere you can hear my voice
I know I'll find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know I'll find you somehow
And somehow I'll return again to you
[Interlude:]
You see I know you're out there somewhere
O yes I know you're out there somewhere
You see I know I'll find you somehow
O yes I know I'll find you somehow
the words that I remember
From my childhood still are true
That there's none so blind
As those who will not see
And to those who lack the courage
And say it's dangerous to try
Well they just don't know
That love eternal will not be denied
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere you can hear my voice
I know I'll find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know I'll find you somehow
And somehow I'll return again to you
Yes I know it's going to happen
I can feel you getting near
And soon we'll be returning
To the fountain of our youth
And if you wake up wondering
In the darkness I'll be there
My arms will close around you
And protect you with the truth
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere you can hear my voice
I know I'll find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know I'll find you somehow
And somehow I'll return again to you
I just wanted you to know that I love you and am thinking about you. They said this part... the waiting to get matched... would be the hardest part, and they were right!
I try to keep myself distracted and not obsess, but you cross my mind a thousand times a day.
Lately, I feel like God/whatever Higher Power you pick to believe in, is sending Daddy and I lots of signs that we are on the right path with this adoption. We see little ones now and start wondering what you will look like. Two of the kiddos that are in my daycare right now are twins and they are just the most beautiful little boys. And there are two baby girls I have subbed for that have just this mass of hair and the chubbiest thighs. The other night on the phone, your Nanny was talking about how if you are a little girl, we will all be learning how to do little black baby hair. Confession: this is one of the biggest fears your Daddy and I have with the adoption. Daddy says if you are a boy, he'll just keep your hair really short like his.
This is the song that plays in my mind whenever I think of you. It is from the band The Moody Blues.
"I Know You're Out There Somewhere"
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know I'll find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
And somehow I'll return again to you
The mist is lifting slowly
I can see the way ahead
And I've left behind the empty streets
That once inspired my life
And the strength of the emotion
Is like thunder in the air
'Cos the promise that we made each other
Haunts me to the end
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere you can hear my voice
I know I'll find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know I'll find you somehow
And somehow I'll return again to you
The secret of your beauty
And the mystery of your soul
I've been searching for in everyone I meet
And the times I've been mistaken
It's impossible to say
And the grass is growing
Underneath our feet
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere you can hear my voice
I know I'll find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know I'll find you somehow
And somehow I'll return again to you
[Interlude:]
You see I know you're out there somewhere
O yes I know you're out there somewhere
You see I know I'll find you somehow
O yes I know I'll find you somehow
the words that I remember
From my childhood still are true
That there's none so blind
As those who will not see
And to those who lack the courage
And say it's dangerous to try
Well they just don't know
That love eternal will not be denied
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere you can hear my voice
I know I'll find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know I'll find you somehow
And somehow I'll return again to you
Yes I know it's going to happen
I can feel you getting near
And soon we'll be returning
To the fountain of our youth
And if you wake up wondering
In the darkness I'll be there
My arms will close around you
And protect you with the truth
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere you can hear my voice
I know I'll find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know I'll find you somehow
And somehow I'll return again to you
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Celebration Day
I talked in my last post about the differences between pregnancy and adoption. With Squirt we remember the day we found out we were pregnant, the first time we heard the heartbeat, the first ultrasound.
Today is an adoption celebration day... a memorable moment in the story of Spud. Today we are an active family we the agency.
As of now, a birth mom can see our profile.
I just have to have complete faith that someone is going to think, "A military family with a stay at home mom who wants to homeschool is perfect for my kid."
Today is an adoption celebration day... a memorable moment in the story of Spud. Today we are an active family we the agency.
As of now, a birth mom can see our profile.
I just have to have complete faith that someone is going to think, "A military family with a stay at home mom who wants to homeschool is perfect for my kid."
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Differences
Yesterday our homestudy finally arrived in the mail and I rushed off to the UPS store to get it to Kansas as soon as possible. (FYI: For $34 it will be at their offices by 1030 Tuesday morning) I was ecstatic and excited and super giddy. I wanted to tell the world; to mark this milestone, but there really wasn't anyone I could think of.
It made me think about the differences between the pregnancy process and the adoption process. I remember when I was pregnant with Squirt, I told EVERYONE (even folks who could care less) about the updates after every doctors appointment. My mom and mother-in-law received numerous texts and emails about babies heartrate and size and all the other fun tidbits. Every ultrasound picture was admired in great detail.
For those of you that have been pregnant more than once, I'm sure you could tell me that the ones that follow aren't quite as aww-inspiring since you've "been there, done that," and are exhausted by the ones already at home. I've noticed even on facebook the dramatic differences in pregnancy related status updates between the first-time parents and the veterans. It isn't that the first one is loved any more or more special, it just has a newness factor.
So while I admit that if I was pregnant right now, Spud probably wouldn't be getting the attention that Squirt got, I still feel a bit sad for Spud... like he (still tend to say "he," even though we would love a little girl) is getting the short end of the stick.
It is extremely hard not knowing when Spud will join our family. I try really hard to remind myself that there is a chance this might not work out, while still trying to prepare and believe. One of my dearest friends had her first kiddo a little before I had Squirt. Then she got pregnant again and had a miscarriage. She is once again pregnant and recently blogged about how she is trying to balance the excitement and joy of welcoming another kiddo into the world, while still wrestling with the knowledge and grief that sometimes things go wrong.
There have been thousands of moments along this journey that have kind of stung. I know that people don't do it on purpose and yet, I feel like I don't know how to handle the emotions. Just the other day I was talking to a friend of a friend about future plans. I said something along the lines of, "and with another one on the way..." to which she got all excited, "I didn't know you were pregnant! When is the baby due?" And once again I had to explain to someone that I'm not pregnant, that we are adopting, that the baby could end up being 18 months old and that he or she could be here next month or never. I'm not ashamed because I know that this is the right decision for our family, but it is still exhausting explaining it over and over and Over and OVER again to people.
I haven't found the right balance of answering their questions without feeling like I have to tell my whole life story. I really just want to print out business cards with this blog address and say "here you go. If you really want to know, find out here. If you were just trying to make conversation, you are off the hook."
I am trying really hard to just be in a zen place about the whole adoption. Having faith that Spud will find us when the time is right. Until then, I am trying really to focus on the home and family that are here now. As I posted earlier, I've been busy with the daycare. That is extra income for our family and a distraction from the worry and wondering. And honestly, it leaves me so exhausted that I feel it is good prep for when another kiddo joins the crew.
Friday I discovered The Fly Lady website (if I can figure out how to add links and stuff, I will) which is all about home management. It has simple steps for getting your house under control and then keeping it that way. The goal is to keep it clean and feel proud and learn to Finally Love Yourself.
I've mentioned before that I really think a key to success for me being a stay at home parent is to have things organized and under control. I'm slowly getting the meal thing down and organized. Next on the list is getting the house cleaning managed.
I will never be Super Mom who has everything perfected. As much as I would like to look like a movie star, serve my family gourmet meals, and have a house that you could feature in magazines... it won't happen. I'm learning to be okay with that. For example, I quit weight watchers and dieting. I'm a big girl and while I would love to be skinny, my real goal is to be healthy & happy. A number on the scale can't measure those things. I'm less tempted to eat ice cream if it doesn't feel off-limits. And water tastes better when I drink it to quench my thirst, rather than to reach a certain goal. I'm more proud of my workouts when I feel proud of myself for doing them and not guilty over whether it was perfect.
My goal right now is to have a clean home that feels comfortable. I want to serve my family food that is yummy and enjoy conversations around the dinner table. Some nights that means serving a frozen pizza, but we all like it and it is cheaper & healthier than eating out.
I've decided to give up on anything with the word "extreme" in it. For example, the shows and articles about extreme couponing and a family of twenty people living on $1 a day. Sure, it can be done, but at what emotional and time consuming cost? I like to clip coupons and am the consumer that the manufactures love... a coupon might just get me to pick up the name brand over the generic and try something new. In the end am I saving tons on my grocery bill? Nope, but again, I'm okay with that. Instead, I'm extremely proud that I am planning meals and going to the grocery store, rather than eating out. And *gasp* I am COOKING rather than just relying on boxed and frozen meals. Confession: for a long time, I really gave myself credit for cooking when I prepared a box of hamburger helper and opened a can of green beans. Turns out, there are a lot of things you can make in that same amount of time that are actually cheaper and a lot less processed.
Squirt & Spud, if you ever read these blog entries, I want you to know that you don't have to be perfect... not for me or anyone else. I think the hardest thing to learn is that you shouldn't have to be perfect for yourself either. Do your best, enjoy life, and don't worry about reaching some unattainable standard.
It made me think about the differences between the pregnancy process and the adoption process. I remember when I was pregnant with Squirt, I told EVERYONE (even folks who could care less) about the updates after every doctors appointment. My mom and mother-in-law received numerous texts and emails about babies heartrate and size and all the other fun tidbits. Every ultrasound picture was admired in great detail.
For those of you that have been pregnant more than once, I'm sure you could tell me that the ones that follow aren't quite as aww-inspiring since you've "been there, done that," and are exhausted by the ones already at home. I've noticed even on facebook the dramatic differences in pregnancy related status updates between the first-time parents and the veterans. It isn't that the first one is loved any more or more special, it just has a newness factor.
So while I admit that if I was pregnant right now, Spud probably wouldn't be getting the attention that Squirt got, I still feel a bit sad for Spud... like he (still tend to say "he," even though we would love a little girl) is getting the short end of the stick.
It is extremely hard not knowing when Spud will join our family. I try really hard to remind myself that there is a chance this might not work out, while still trying to prepare and believe. One of my dearest friends had her first kiddo a little before I had Squirt. Then she got pregnant again and had a miscarriage. She is once again pregnant and recently blogged about how she is trying to balance the excitement and joy of welcoming another kiddo into the world, while still wrestling with the knowledge and grief that sometimes things go wrong.
There have been thousands of moments along this journey that have kind of stung. I know that people don't do it on purpose and yet, I feel like I don't know how to handle the emotions. Just the other day I was talking to a friend of a friend about future plans. I said something along the lines of, "and with another one on the way..." to which she got all excited, "I didn't know you were pregnant! When is the baby due?" And once again I had to explain to someone that I'm not pregnant, that we are adopting, that the baby could end up being 18 months old and that he or she could be here next month or never. I'm not ashamed because I know that this is the right decision for our family, but it is still exhausting explaining it over and over and Over and OVER again to people.
I haven't found the right balance of answering their questions without feeling like I have to tell my whole life story. I really just want to print out business cards with this blog address and say "here you go. If you really want to know, find out here. If you were just trying to make conversation, you are off the hook."
I am trying really hard to just be in a zen place about the whole adoption. Having faith that Spud will find us when the time is right. Until then, I am trying really to focus on the home and family that are here now. As I posted earlier, I've been busy with the daycare. That is extra income for our family and a distraction from the worry and wondering. And honestly, it leaves me so exhausted that I feel it is good prep for when another kiddo joins the crew.
Friday I discovered The Fly Lady website (if I can figure out how to add links and stuff, I will) which is all about home management. It has simple steps for getting your house under control and then keeping it that way. The goal is to keep it clean and feel proud and learn to Finally Love Yourself.
I've mentioned before that I really think a key to success for me being a stay at home parent is to have things organized and under control. I'm slowly getting the meal thing down and organized. Next on the list is getting the house cleaning managed.
I will never be Super Mom who has everything perfected. As much as I would like to look like a movie star, serve my family gourmet meals, and have a house that you could feature in magazines... it won't happen. I'm learning to be okay with that. For example, I quit weight watchers and dieting. I'm a big girl and while I would love to be skinny, my real goal is to be healthy & happy. A number on the scale can't measure those things. I'm less tempted to eat ice cream if it doesn't feel off-limits. And water tastes better when I drink it to quench my thirst, rather than to reach a certain goal. I'm more proud of my workouts when I feel proud of myself for doing them and not guilty over whether it was perfect.
My goal right now is to have a clean home that feels comfortable. I want to serve my family food that is yummy and enjoy conversations around the dinner table. Some nights that means serving a frozen pizza, but we all like it and it is cheaper & healthier than eating out.
I've decided to give up on anything with the word "extreme" in it. For example, the shows and articles about extreme couponing and a family of twenty people living on $1 a day. Sure, it can be done, but at what emotional and time consuming cost? I like to clip coupons and am the consumer that the manufactures love... a coupon might just get me to pick up the name brand over the generic and try something new. In the end am I saving tons on my grocery bill? Nope, but again, I'm okay with that. Instead, I'm extremely proud that I am planning meals and going to the grocery store, rather than eating out. And *gasp* I am COOKING rather than just relying on boxed and frozen meals. Confession: for a long time, I really gave myself credit for cooking when I prepared a box of hamburger helper and opened a can of green beans. Turns out, there are a lot of things you can make in that same amount of time that are actually cheaper and a lot less processed.
Squirt & Spud, if you ever read these blog entries, I want you to know that you don't have to be perfect... not for me or anyone else. I think the hardest thing to learn is that you shouldn't have to be perfect for yourself either. Do your best, enjoy life, and don't worry about reaching some unattainable standard.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Back to School
Not much to update on the adoption front. Our homestudy got held up a bit, waiting for background checks from one of the states. Now that those have arrived, everything should be on its way to the adoption agency and then we should hopefully be active soon.
Squirt turned 2 this past weekend. It is absolutely beyond me how quickly these last few years have flown by. It seems like just last week I was pregnant and daydreaming about motherhood.
We spent his birthday with my in-laws, which required a 17 hour road trip. I calculated that Squirt and I have made 15 (!!!) major trips in the last 2 years. No wonder I am always so dang tired! On the positive side... he is EXCELLENT on the road and passes the time sleeping, watching a little tv, staring out the window, or just talking to his toys.
We got back home at 4am yesterday and after a few hours of sleep, I am back into my "normal" routine. With it being back-to-school week and trying to run the daycare, I have LOTS of new kiddos starting this week and next. I've been busy updating toys and books and menus and schedules. One kiddo needs walked to school three days a week; another is full-time three days a week. Plus, I got a call yesterday for mid-day care four days a week. On the one hand, it is going to be a challenge for me to remember which day of the week it is and what kids I have each day, but on the other hand, it should keep everyone busy, which makes the days go by faster. I'm hoping that the heat wave breaks soon so that we can get more outside time. I have a nice toy room, but young kids can only spend so much time inside before we all start going a little bonkers.
Yesterday I also got back into my healthy habits. Vacation meant eating out A LOT! Plus, Squishy's grandpa's house is a snackers paradise. I'm pretty sure I ate at least one cupcake/chocolate covered pretzel/cookie a day. I did manage to avoid all of the store-bought snacks (yum, Little Debbie's), so I am proud of that. Now that we are back home, our eating out is extremely limited, not only because it is freaking expensive but also because the calories are outrageous. I'm also chugging water, rather than soda like I was at Grandpa's. Last night I walked on the treadmill while watching Wheel of Fortune and this morning I did a 10 minute Spark People workout. For the daycare today, I'll be walking back and forth to the school 2 times. Go me!
I think that is about all on my front. Just trying to keep on keeping on.
Squirt turned 2 this past weekend. It is absolutely beyond me how quickly these last few years have flown by. It seems like just last week I was pregnant and daydreaming about motherhood.
We spent his birthday with my in-laws, which required a 17 hour road trip. I calculated that Squirt and I have made 15 (!!!) major trips in the last 2 years. No wonder I am always so dang tired! On the positive side... he is EXCELLENT on the road and passes the time sleeping, watching a little tv, staring out the window, or just talking to his toys.
We got back home at 4am yesterday and after a few hours of sleep, I am back into my "normal" routine. With it being back-to-school week and trying to run the daycare, I have LOTS of new kiddos starting this week and next. I've been busy updating toys and books and menus and schedules. One kiddo needs walked to school three days a week; another is full-time three days a week. Plus, I got a call yesterday for mid-day care four days a week. On the one hand, it is going to be a challenge for me to remember which day of the week it is and what kids I have each day, but on the other hand, it should keep everyone busy, which makes the days go by faster. I'm hoping that the heat wave breaks soon so that we can get more outside time. I have a nice toy room, but young kids can only spend so much time inside before we all start going a little bonkers.
Yesterday I also got back into my healthy habits. Vacation meant eating out A LOT! Plus, Squishy's grandpa's house is a snackers paradise. I'm pretty sure I ate at least one cupcake/chocolate covered pretzel/cookie a day. I did manage to avoid all of the store-bought snacks (yum, Little Debbie's), so I am proud of that. Now that we are back home, our eating out is extremely limited, not only because it is freaking expensive but also because the calories are outrageous. I'm also chugging water, rather than soda like I was at Grandpa's. Last night I walked on the treadmill while watching Wheel of Fortune and this morning I did a 10 minute Spark People workout. For the daycare today, I'll be walking back and forth to the school 2 times. Go me!
I think that is about all on my front. Just trying to keep on keeping on.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Better Person
There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that Squirt (and in some ways, Spud) has made me a better person. As he nears his second birthday, I've been thinking back on all the ways I have grown and changed since first learning I was pregnant.
One thing that really sticks out in my mind is that I am trying to be more civic minded and earth friendly. I'm certainly not great at either one of these things, but I'm trying for the kiddos sake. We can read all the books in the library about helping others and taking care of the planet, but if I don't do it, I think it will be a lot harder for them to learn the lesson.
I admire my friends that are super involved in local politics or that eat only vegan foods. They really do inspire me and part of me thinks Squirt would be a better person in the long run if they were his parents. But he is stuck with me, and I'm imperfect, so we just attempt to do the best we can.
Things that I am trying to teach Squirt:
* Always say "thank you." Those 2 words go farther than any others I can think of. Even if you forgot "please," you can rebound with a "thank you."
* Give to others. Maybe it is a dollar to someone on the corner; maybe food to the pantry on base; maybe it is to a cause you believe in. At the end of the day, someone needs it more than you do, so find a way to give.
* Be patient. Yesterday we went out to lunch and the restaurant was packed, they were short on servers, and overall it was a freaking long wait. It would have been easy to get frustrated or mad, especially when they completely forgot our appetizer. But instead we smiled, told the waitress we understood, and just made the best of the wait by coloring. Situations are always going to come up that are going to be annoying and you are going to have to wait. Life is a lot better and you will feel more relaxed if you just go with the flow, put a smile on your face, and refer back to that whole saying "thank you," thing when you finally are helped.
* Reduce. Reuse. Recycle. We have been trying to cut back on the things we buy in packages. And you'd be amazed at what containers a 2 year old finds fascinating (um, cardboard tubes are like his favorite thing right now). And Squirt always watches when we take recycling and sort it and as he gets older, this will become one of his jobs.
* Cut back. This is a really, Really, REALLY hard one for me. I hate the commercialism of society and that constant quest for the newest/bestest thing. I've mentioned before that we are Dave Ramsey converts and I really want Squirt to know that if you can't afford it, you don't get it. If it isn't worth working for and saving for, you really don't want it.
* Use less resources. It is strange how much more focused I have become on using "green" cleaners, serving meatless meals, and the like since becoming a parent. I still feel a lot of guilt that Squirt didn't last longer in cloth diapers and I get sick to my stomach when I think of how many dirty diapers I have sent to landfills.
* Everyone is unique and deserves to be treated with respect. I feel ashamed at the ways that I have judged others and am trying so hard to correct those first impression thoughts. Considering that Spud will look "different," I think it is going to be uber critical to teach my kids that looks/abilities are not reasons to judge someone. You treat them with kindness and get to know them. Then if you learn they have an ugly heart, you just smile and nod and move on. This one has been especially hard since there are several people in my life that annoy me, but that I can't get rid of. I'm trying so hard to balance teaching Squirt that you don't have to like everyone, but you can't be mean either.
How have your kids made you a better person? What values are you hoping to instill in them?
One thing that really sticks out in my mind is that I am trying to be more civic minded and earth friendly. I'm certainly not great at either one of these things, but I'm trying for the kiddos sake. We can read all the books in the library about helping others and taking care of the planet, but if I don't do it, I think it will be a lot harder for them to learn the lesson.
I admire my friends that are super involved in local politics or that eat only vegan foods. They really do inspire me and part of me thinks Squirt would be a better person in the long run if they were his parents. But he is stuck with me, and I'm imperfect, so we just attempt to do the best we can.
Things that I am trying to teach Squirt:
* Always say "thank you." Those 2 words go farther than any others I can think of. Even if you forgot "please," you can rebound with a "thank you."
* Give to others. Maybe it is a dollar to someone on the corner; maybe food to the pantry on base; maybe it is to a cause you believe in. At the end of the day, someone needs it more than you do, so find a way to give.
* Be patient. Yesterday we went out to lunch and the restaurant was packed, they were short on servers, and overall it was a freaking long wait. It would have been easy to get frustrated or mad, especially when they completely forgot our appetizer. But instead we smiled, told the waitress we understood, and just made the best of the wait by coloring. Situations are always going to come up that are going to be annoying and you are going to have to wait. Life is a lot better and you will feel more relaxed if you just go with the flow, put a smile on your face, and refer back to that whole saying "thank you," thing when you finally are helped.
* Reduce. Reuse. Recycle. We have been trying to cut back on the things we buy in packages. And you'd be amazed at what containers a 2 year old finds fascinating (um, cardboard tubes are like his favorite thing right now). And Squirt always watches when we take recycling and sort it and as he gets older, this will become one of his jobs.
* Cut back. This is a really, Really, REALLY hard one for me. I hate the commercialism of society and that constant quest for the newest/bestest thing. I've mentioned before that we are Dave Ramsey converts and I really want Squirt to know that if you can't afford it, you don't get it. If it isn't worth working for and saving for, you really don't want it.
* Use less resources. It is strange how much more focused I have become on using "green" cleaners, serving meatless meals, and the like since becoming a parent. I still feel a lot of guilt that Squirt didn't last longer in cloth diapers and I get sick to my stomach when I think of how many dirty diapers I have sent to landfills.
* Everyone is unique and deserves to be treated with respect. I feel ashamed at the ways that I have judged others and am trying so hard to correct those first impression thoughts. Considering that Spud will look "different," I think it is going to be uber critical to teach my kids that looks/abilities are not reasons to judge someone. You treat them with kindness and get to know them. Then if you learn they have an ugly heart, you just smile and nod and move on. This one has been especially hard since there are several people in my life that annoy me, but that I can't get rid of. I'm trying so hard to balance teaching Squirt that you don't have to like everyone, but you can't be mean either.
How have your kids made you a better person? What values are you hoping to instill in them?
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Nesting
Squirt was born 5 weeks early, so I never really hit the nesting phase with him. My bff, J, who was my labor coach since Squishy was supposed to be in Iraq, used to freak out every time I mentioned I had cleaned something (confession: I kinda sorta hate housecleaning. While my house is never filthy, it is never going to be one of those super clean homes).
With the timeline for Spud being so up in the air, I find myself in this constant state of preparation. Between the usual work required for my family, which I'll get to in a minute, I've got the compulsive urge to purge and straighten and organize. I am convinced that if I can just get everything simplified, I will have a much better time keeping up when I suddenly have a new baby.
Things were a bit easier when it was just Squishy and I. We both worked, so it seemed natural to split the workload. We ate out quite a bit, since we had the money and no real motivation to be healthy. There was less laundry, less dishes, and less clutter (kids have A LOT of stuff).
I thought that when I quit my job to do the stay at home mom thing, I would have plenty of time to get everything done. Heck, I had all day, right? WRONG! Being a stay at home parent is a study in time management, and I constantly feel like I'm failing. For those of you with kiddos, I'm sure you can agree that trying to get ANYTHING done with a toddler around is about near impossible. And if you do manage to get something done, it takes about 3 times as long. And don't even get me started on the whole "keep them occupied in one room, while you clean another room" thing... all that results in is one room that is mostly clean and another room that is destroyed. Plus, being home all day equals just more clutter.
Because I don't "work" I feel this responsibility to take on a larger portion of the chores. But between planning, shopping for, cooking, serving, and cleaning up after 3 meals a day; an endless pile of laundry (Squishy goes through 3 outfits a day... workout clothes, uniform, civilian clothes); and keeping everything in order for the daycare... I am EXHAUSTED!
I try really hard to get the house in order every night before bed, with the hopes that I can get up and work out in the morning. But it seems that each morning the alarm goes off and I'm confronted with dishes in the sink or a floor to sweep. It never ends.
While I really love being with Squirt all day and I know that it is a benefit for him, part of me sometimes feels like I'm not doing enough. I had started on my EdD, but after 4 classes, I stopped, feeling overwhelmed and wondering if I was spending all the money/time for nothing. I need a hobby.
Being the forever student that I am, I have started looking at websites/books with tips/tricks on organization and cleaning. I can't be the only one that is burdened by this problem and there has to be a solution.
***
Meanwhile, on the Spud front, we had a bit of a nervous moment last week. I have depression; it is under control and in all honesty, I think because I'm on meds/know when to get myself to a therapist/have purposely learned how to handle life stress, I'm more well-balanced then most people. I generally try to be a happy and upbeat person, I count my blessings, and I recognize that life challenges are just that: challenges, not the end of the world.
Anywho, we got an e-mail from the social worker about our homestudy that she needed more info about my depression, including a letter from my shrink saying I could handle another kiddo and a message from Squishy about how he feels about my depression/whether he notices the signs/what he does to help.
I freaked out a little. Would we fail our homestudy and not be able to adopt because I have depression? I let myself worry a little bit and then I reminded myself of what my therapist always tells me, "worry is a wasted emotion." If something is going to happen, it is going to occur whether you stress out or not. Far better to just wait until it does happen and deal with it then. So I told Squishy that if we were denied, we were going to take the money we have saved for Spud and go on a 30 day cruise of the south pacific.
A few days later my therapist called and said she had no problem writing the note. "If anyone can handle another child, it is you." Aww. I really like my therapist and if I hadn't met her for counseling, I think she and I would be very good friends.
So she sent the e-mail to the social worker who sent us the rough draft of our approved home study. We made a few changes (just spelling stuff mostly) and e-mailed it back late Thursday night. On Friday we heard back that she would be sending the approved homestudy to our agency probably this coming Tuesday. It will take them a few days to process, then we will mail them the check and contract, and then we will be active. Mid-August, just as I had planned!
***
With my nesting and all the questions about Spud (boy or girl? what age? when?), I'm trying to figure out what we will need and when.
We plan to co-sleep for the first few months, or at least have Spud in our room in a pack 'n play. We haven't decided if the kiddos will share a room or not. If they do, we will buy Squirt a twin bed and make his current bed back into Spud's crib. If they aren't sharing a room, Squirt will move into our now guest room with the full sized bed and Spud will stay in the nursery. We've got both an infant car seat and an extra convertible car seat, so we are set on that front. We've got plenty of clothes for any size, we will just need to sell the boy stuff for more girly stuff if Spud ends up being a Zoe, rather than a Zac. Depending on age, we will need bottles. We've got cloth diapers that I used briefly for Squirt. We still have the playmat, the bumbo, boppy, and bathtub from Squirt. We have a double stroller and a regular stroller. We've got books and toys. Is there anything else that you can think of that we *need* if Spud is a newborn? an 18 month old? a girl? a boy?
***
Okay, back to my nesting. Trying to get the house cleaned up for another week of daycare. Plus, we leave on vacation Thursday afternoon/Friday morning, so I need to start gathering everything for that.
Thanks for letting me verbally vomit at you. Hope you all are well.
With the timeline for Spud being so up in the air, I find myself in this constant state of preparation. Between the usual work required for my family, which I'll get to in a minute, I've got the compulsive urge to purge and straighten and organize. I am convinced that if I can just get everything simplified, I will have a much better time keeping up when I suddenly have a new baby.
Things were a bit easier when it was just Squishy and I. We both worked, so it seemed natural to split the workload. We ate out quite a bit, since we had the money and no real motivation to be healthy. There was less laundry, less dishes, and less clutter (kids have A LOT of stuff).
I thought that when I quit my job to do the stay at home mom thing, I would have plenty of time to get everything done. Heck, I had all day, right? WRONG! Being a stay at home parent is a study in time management, and I constantly feel like I'm failing. For those of you with kiddos, I'm sure you can agree that trying to get ANYTHING done with a toddler around is about near impossible. And if you do manage to get something done, it takes about 3 times as long. And don't even get me started on the whole "keep them occupied in one room, while you clean another room" thing... all that results in is one room that is mostly clean and another room that is destroyed. Plus, being home all day equals just more clutter.
Because I don't "work" I feel this responsibility to take on a larger portion of the chores. But between planning, shopping for, cooking, serving, and cleaning up after 3 meals a day; an endless pile of laundry (Squishy goes through 3 outfits a day... workout clothes, uniform, civilian clothes); and keeping everything in order for the daycare... I am EXHAUSTED!
I try really hard to get the house in order every night before bed, with the hopes that I can get up and work out in the morning. But it seems that each morning the alarm goes off and I'm confronted with dishes in the sink or a floor to sweep. It never ends.
While I really love being with Squirt all day and I know that it is a benefit for him, part of me sometimes feels like I'm not doing enough. I had started on my EdD, but after 4 classes, I stopped, feeling overwhelmed and wondering if I was spending all the money/time for nothing. I need a hobby.
Being the forever student that I am, I have started looking at websites/books with tips/tricks on organization and cleaning. I can't be the only one that is burdened by this problem and there has to be a solution.
***
Meanwhile, on the Spud front, we had a bit of a nervous moment last week. I have depression; it is under control and in all honesty, I think because I'm on meds/know when to get myself to a therapist/have purposely learned how to handle life stress, I'm more well-balanced then most people. I generally try to be a happy and upbeat person, I count my blessings, and I recognize that life challenges are just that: challenges, not the end of the world.
Anywho, we got an e-mail from the social worker about our homestudy that she needed more info about my depression, including a letter from my shrink saying I could handle another kiddo and a message from Squishy about how he feels about my depression/whether he notices the signs/what he does to help.
I freaked out a little. Would we fail our homestudy and not be able to adopt because I have depression? I let myself worry a little bit and then I reminded myself of what my therapist always tells me, "worry is a wasted emotion." If something is going to happen, it is going to occur whether you stress out or not. Far better to just wait until it does happen and deal with it then. So I told Squishy that if we were denied, we were going to take the money we have saved for Spud and go on a 30 day cruise of the south pacific.
A few days later my therapist called and said she had no problem writing the note. "If anyone can handle another child, it is you." Aww. I really like my therapist and if I hadn't met her for counseling, I think she and I would be very good friends.
So she sent the e-mail to the social worker who sent us the rough draft of our approved home study. We made a few changes (just spelling stuff mostly) and e-mailed it back late Thursday night. On Friday we heard back that she would be sending the approved homestudy to our agency probably this coming Tuesday. It will take them a few days to process, then we will mail them the check and contract, and then we will be active. Mid-August, just as I had planned!
***
With my nesting and all the questions about Spud (boy or girl? what age? when?), I'm trying to figure out what we will need and when.
We plan to co-sleep for the first few months, or at least have Spud in our room in a pack 'n play. We haven't decided if the kiddos will share a room or not. If they do, we will buy Squirt a twin bed and make his current bed back into Spud's crib. If they aren't sharing a room, Squirt will move into our now guest room with the full sized bed and Spud will stay in the nursery. We've got both an infant car seat and an extra convertible car seat, so we are set on that front. We've got plenty of clothes for any size, we will just need to sell the boy stuff for more girly stuff if Spud ends up being a Zoe, rather than a Zac. Depending on age, we will need bottles. We've got cloth diapers that I used briefly for Squirt. We still have the playmat, the bumbo, boppy, and bathtub from Squirt. We have a double stroller and a regular stroller. We've got books and toys. Is there anything else that you can think of that we *need* if Spud is a newborn? an 18 month old? a girl? a boy?
***
Okay, back to my nesting. Trying to get the house cleaned up for another week of daycare. Plus, we leave on vacation Thursday afternoon/Friday morning, so I need to start gathering everything for that.
Thanks for letting me verbally vomit at you. Hope you all are well.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
A Wish
Dear Squirt and Spud,
This weekend I went by myself to Chicago to attend the wedding of one of my oldest friends, your Auntie D. She and I have known each other for over 17 years now and can't really remember life before I knew her. I went to college with her now husband, so this weekend was like a mini-high school and college reunion. I had an incredibly great time.
I talked a lot about both of you this weekend. Squirt: several of my friends also have kiddos about your age, so we talked about books and potty training and just the silly stuff we are experiencing raising toddlers. And Spud: lots of people are following this blog and had questions about when exactly you will join our family. They are nearly as excited to meet you as we are. The cab driver on the way to the airport this morning asked me if I had kids and I responded "two." As soon as the word was out of my mouth it kind of shocked me at the realization of just how much you are already apart of my life and heart.
This weekend as I spent time laughing and catching up with my friends, all I could think about is how lucky I am. While I may not talk to these people every day, they are the family I have created for myself, and by extension, for you. I am so incredibly proud of the adults we have all become and the way we have rallied together to face challenges and gathered together to celebrate happy moments. As Scotty and I were leaving the reception we passed a group of 4 older adults standing together and talking. It seemed as if they had known each other for years and Scotty & I both had the same thought, "Would that be us many years in the future?" I can only hope so.
Kiddos, one of my biggest wishes for you is that you find friends that love you and that you love as much as I do my friends. True friendship isn't always easy, but it is very much worth it. And the longer you have your friends, the more you will appreciate them. These are the people that you don't have to explain yourself to... they know your quirks and strange qualities and love you anyways. These are the people that you would travel a million miles for in times of tragedy and joy because you know that they would do the same for you in a heartbeat. They are the people that regardless of how much time passes between phone calls/emails/visits, you can pick up with as if no time has passed. They are the ones you can count on if you need a kidney, bailed out of jail, or just a hug. They know how to make you laugh and don't judge you when you cry.
So to all my friends that have helped me become the woman I am today: Thank you! When I look at each of you, I see how you were on the day we met and marvel at the amazing person you have become. I imagine how you will be in 20 years, and it is such a beautiful picture. We are all doing such great things with our lives and I know that a large part of our ability to do that is because of the strength and support our friendship grants us. I love you!
P.S. Slera, you need to hurry up and get hitched so we have an excuse to reunite again!
This weekend I went by myself to Chicago to attend the wedding of one of my oldest friends, your Auntie D. She and I have known each other for over 17 years now and can't really remember life before I knew her. I went to college with her now husband, so this weekend was like a mini-high school and college reunion. I had an incredibly great time.
I talked a lot about both of you this weekend. Squirt: several of my friends also have kiddos about your age, so we talked about books and potty training and just the silly stuff we are experiencing raising toddlers. And Spud: lots of people are following this blog and had questions about when exactly you will join our family. They are nearly as excited to meet you as we are. The cab driver on the way to the airport this morning asked me if I had kids and I responded "two." As soon as the word was out of my mouth it kind of shocked me at the realization of just how much you are already apart of my life and heart.
This weekend as I spent time laughing and catching up with my friends, all I could think about is how lucky I am. While I may not talk to these people every day, they are the family I have created for myself, and by extension, for you. I am so incredibly proud of the adults we have all become and the way we have rallied together to face challenges and gathered together to celebrate happy moments. As Scotty and I were leaving the reception we passed a group of 4 older adults standing together and talking. It seemed as if they had known each other for years and Scotty & I both had the same thought, "Would that be us many years in the future?" I can only hope so.
Kiddos, one of my biggest wishes for you is that you find friends that love you and that you love as much as I do my friends. True friendship isn't always easy, but it is very much worth it. And the longer you have your friends, the more you will appreciate them. These are the people that you don't have to explain yourself to... they know your quirks and strange qualities and love you anyways. These are the people that you would travel a million miles for in times of tragedy and joy because you know that they would do the same for you in a heartbeat. They are the people that regardless of how much time passes between phone calls/emails/visits, you can pick up with as if no time has passed. They are the ones you can count on if you need a kidney, bailed out of jail, or just a hug. They know how to make you laugh and don't judge you when you cry.
So to all my friends that have helped me become the woman I am today: Thank you! When I look at each of you, I see how you were on the day we met and marvel at the amazing person you have become. I imagine how you will be in 20 years, and it is such a beautiful picture. We are all doing such great things with our lives and I know that a large part of our ability to do that is because of the strength and support our friendship grants us. I love you!
P.S. Slera, you need to hurry up and get hitched so we have an excuse to reunite again!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Holding Pattern
All we can do now is wait. Our home study is done and we just have to wait until next week to get the rough draft. We will make any needed corrections to that, send it back, and then the final draft will be on the way to the agency. It takes them about 2 days to review it and request any additional documentation (unless I'm not reading something correctly, we should have everything done). Then we are told we can activate.
I have the contract downstairs, just need to take it to a friend next week to get notarized. And we have requested the check for the activation fee from the bank. The minute I get the e-mail that we are ready to activate, I will overnight mail that all to the agency.
And then we wait to get THE CALL.
I've started making all the what-if plans, but really, I think it is best to just slow down and put my mind on something, anything, else. I'm making Squishy hide the adoption books and block the agency website from my computer. I'm going to put my energy on the daycare for now instead.
Hope all is well with each of you!
I have the contract downstairs, just need to take it to a friend next week to get notarized. And we have requested the check for the activation fee from the bank. The minute I get the e-mail that we are ready to activate, I will overnight mail that all to the agency.
And then we wait to get THE CALL.
I've started making all the what-if plans, but really, I think it is best to just slow down and put my mind on something, anything, else. I'm making Squishy hide the adoption books and block the agency website from my computer. I'm going to put my energy on the daycare for now instead.
Hope all is well with each of you!
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Family Sunday and Money Stress (Adoption is EXPENSIVE)
It isn't even 130 yet and we have accomplished a TON today! While we had a lot that we needed/wanted to accomplish today, we've been doing it at a calm pace and together as a family, so it has been very enjoyable. I just keep wondering how many Sunday's we have left as a family of three.
Today I drove the mini-van to the grocery store for the first time. Opened up the sun roof and just smiled!!! It is ridiculously funny to me how a ten year old vehicle with nearly 140,000 miles can make me so happy, but it totally does.
Big thing on our minds right now with the adoption is the cost. Several factors are at play right now: we set our match budget with the agency and went slightly higher than average in order to get our profile out to more birth mom's. When we set that number though we had expected Squishy to have gotten his bonus from work, but now we won't get that money until sometime between late September and late November. As I mentioned in the last post, we are Dave Ramsey converts and so we do everything with cash. We could get a credit card to pay for some of the upfront fees so that we have more available cash (the only thing they accept for matches), but that just doesn't feel right. Besides, we've already accepted that fact that we might have to use credit for the travel portion of the adoption. So that leaves us with several options:
1) Lower our match budget. The amount of cash we have on hand right this second is exactly what the average adoption costs. While that is great, it means we won't be shown to birth mom's with higher expenses/needs, thus possibly increasing our wait time.
2) Delay activation until the bonus comes through.
3) Keep our match budget the same and ask family members for personal loans to help in the event we get matched before the bonus comes through. While the amount of money is relatively small and spread out over several parents and grandparents we think it would be manageable, we really hate to go this direction. We very much pride ourselves on our financial stability.
I've always been a stress ball about money. I'm starting to look into loan programs and the military will help us with some costs after the adoption is finalized. Plus we will get a nice tax break. But none of that helps us right now if we get the call before Squishy gets his bonus.
If it was just me, I would turn off the Internet, cancel my cell phone, and just live on ramen noodles. But that's not really want I want this experience to be about for any of us. Yes, I am desperate for another child, but I don't want my memories of getting Spud to be about deprivation. Instead, we are cutting back where we can (mainly going from 6 meals out a week to maybe 1) and just really budgeting carefully.
In the meantime, I am still busy selling stuff, so if anyone wants to purchase a beautiful size 12 wedding dress, treadmill, tv, or carpet cleaner, please let me know. ;)
Today I drove the mini-van to the grocery store for the first time. Opened up the sun roof and just smiled!!! It is ridiculously funny to me how a ten year old vehicle with nearly 140,000 miles can make me so happy, but it totally does.
Big thing on our minds right now with the adoption is the cost. Several factors are at play right now: we set our match budget with the agency and went slightly higher than average in order to get our profile out to more birth mom's. When we set that number though we had expected Squishy to have gotten his bonus from work, but now we won't get that money until sometime between late September and late November. As I mentioned in the last post, we are Dave Ramsey converts and so we do everything with cash. We could get a credit card to pay for some of the upfront fees so that we have more available cash (the only thing they accept for matches), but that just doesn't feel right. Besides, we've already accepted that fact that we might have to use credit for the travel portion of the adoption. So that leaves us with several options:
1) Lower our match budget. The amount of cash we have on hand right this second is exactly what the average adoption costs. While that is great, it means we won't be shown to birth mom's with higher expenses/needs, thus possibly increasing our wait time.
2) Delay activation until the bonus comes through.
3) Keep our match budget the same and ask family members for personal loans to help in the event we get matched before the bonus comes through. While the amount of money is relatively small and spread out over several parents and grandparents we think it would be manageable, we really hate to go this direction. We very much pride ourselves on our financial stability.
I've always been a stress ball about money. I'm starting to look into loan programs and the military will help us with some costs after the adoption is finalized. Plus we will get a nice tax break. But none of that helps us right now if we get the call before Squishy gets his bonus.
If it was just me, I would turn off the Internet, cancel my cell phone, and just live on ramen noodles. But that's not really want I want this experience to be about for any of us. Yes, I am desperate for another child, but I don't want my memories of getting Spud to be about deprivation. Instead, we are cutting back where we can (mainly going from 6 meals out a week to maybe 1) and just really budgeting carefully.
In the meantime, I am still busy selling stuff, so if anyone wants to purchase a beautiful size 12 wedding dress, treadmill, tv, or carpet cleaner, please let me know. ;)
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Signs from God
Squishy and I are not what you would call religious by any stretch of the imagination. I'm more open to God then he is, but more in that I count my blessings/pray for people/watch for signs kind of way... not in the go to church way.
This last week though we encounter a strange series of events that is really making me feel like a higher power is watching out for us and cheering us on. The story makes me smile, so I thought I would share it here.
For the last few years, I have really wanted a mini van. A ring makes you officially married, a mini van makes you officially a mom, in my mind. The car I have I got in college and is not very suitable for one kid, let alone multiple children (manual locks, manual windows, no cruise control, no anti-lock brakes, and very little room for car seats). While Squishy was deployed it was okay because I could just drive his vehicle, but now that he is back, he wants his truck and not my car that recently lost power steering and air conditioning (so now it is a bit like driving a very hot go kart).
Mini vans are expensive and having recently become a Dave Ramsey convert, I was having mega guilty feelings about spending money on a luxury, rather than a need. Plus, as I have previously mentioned, adoption is expensive and we are watching every penny. Therefore, I had pretty much resigned myself to getting a used mini van and was trying to hold off as long as possible so that we could just pay cash.
A few weeks ago my husband went on a run past what we call "The Lemon Lot," the place on base folks park their vehicles for sale. It is kind of out of the way, so it is odd that he went past it all, but there for sale was a mini van. He let me know when he got home from working out and we went to look at it before he went to work. I thought it looked good and the price was right, so he took down the number. He test drove it later that day (I just defer to him on car matters and trust his judgment).
The next day we left for vacation and Squishy spent a great deal of the trip researching the vehicle and talking to his dad's about whether it was a good price and whether he should try to bargain. Towards the end of the trip, he called the seller, offered $500 less than asking price, and they accepted. We requested a check from our bank for the amount and set a time to finalize the sale.
When the check arrived, Squishy called the sellers, who informed him that they had "prayed about it" and took another $500 off the price. WHO DOES THAT?!? We were very thrilled, as again, every penny matters right now.
When we went to get the van yesterday, I told the seller how thankful I was because we were trying to adopt. She said that the van had been on the lot for nearly a month with no real interest and that the day Squishy called, she just knew we were the right family. After she and Squishy finalized the price, her daily scripture was about how you get richer by giving, so she texted her husband and said that she wanted to lower the price and he agreed. Turns out that they are also Dave Ramsey converts. Oh, and they are getting ready to go on vacation, where they plan to meet with an adoption agency!
Pretty freaky, huh? But it gets better...
Since we knew we were buying the mini van, last weekend I had Squishy put my car up on Craigs List. He got a couple of hits and had a few folks test drive it early in the week. Today he had another appointment for a family to test drive it, and it sounds like they are the ones. Here's why:
I am a pretty big Scooby Doo fan, so there is a bumper sticker, floor mats, and sun shade in my car. Turns out they want to buy it for their 16 year old son who is "the biggest Scooby fan ever."
Also, Squishy's brother joined the Marines out of high school and I promptly slapped a "my brother is a US Marine" bumper sticker on the car. Turns out their other son is getting ready to leave for Marine basic.
And in more "who does that?" craziness... tomorrow Squishy is meeting them to have a mechanic friend of theirs fix the belt that is causing the AC and power steering not to work. Keep in mind, they haven't bought the car yet! How awesome is that? I can't imagine that they will go to all that work and then not want it, so with a little luck, that vehicle will be sold very soon.
It just makes me smile that everything comes full circle. And it has been so heart warming to see people just do nice things (lower the price, fix a car that isn't theirs yet).
This last week though we encounter a strange series of events that is really making me feel like a higher power is watching out for us and cheering us on. The story makes me smile, so I thought I would share it here.
For the last few years, I have really wanted a mini van. A ring makes you officially married, a mini van makes you officially a mom, in my mind. The car I have I got in college and is not very suitable for one kid, let alone multiple children (manual locks, manual windows, no cruise control, no anti-lock brakes, and very little room for car seats). While Squishy was deployed it was okay because I could just drive his vehicle, but now that he is back, he wants his truck and not my car that recently lost power steering and air conditioning (so now it is a bit like driving a very hot go kart).
Mini vans are expensive and having recently become a Dave Ramsey convert, I was having mega guilty feelings about spending money on a luxury, rather than a need. Plus, as I have previously mentioned, adoption is expensive and we are watching every penny. Therefore, I had pretty much resigned myself to getting a used mini van and was trying to hold off as long as possible so that we could just pay cash.
A few weeks ago my husband went on a run past what we call "The Lemon Lot," the place on base folks park their vehicles for sale. It is kind of out of the way, so it is odd that he went past it all, but there for sale was a mini van. He let me know when he got home from working out and we went to look at it before he went to work. I thought it looked good and the price was right, so he took down the number. He test drove it later that day (I just defer to him on car matters and trust his judgment).
The next day we left for vacation and Squishy spent a great deal of the trip researching the vehicle and talking to his dad's about whether it was a good price and whether he should try to bargain. Towards the end of the trip, he called the seller, offered $500 less than asking price, and they accepted. We requested a check from our bank for the amount and set a time to finalize the sale.
When the check arrived, Squishy called the sellers, who informed him that they had "prayed about it" and took another $500 off the price. WHO DOES THAT?!? We were very thrilled, as again, every penny matters right now.
When we went to get the van yesterday, I told the seller how thankful I was because we were trying to adopt. She said that the van had been on the lot for nearly a month with no real interest and that the day Squishy called, she just knew we were the right family. After she and Squishy finalized the price, her daily scripture was about how you get richer by giving, so she texted her husband and said that she wanted to lower the price and he agreed. Turns out that they are also Dave Ramsey converts. Oh, and they are getting ready to go on vacation, where they plan to meet with an adoption agency!
Pretty freaky, huh? But it gets better...
Since we knew we were buying the mini van, last weekend I had Squishy put my car up on Craigs List. He got a couple of hits and had a few folks test drive it early in the week. Today he had another appointment for a family to test drive it, and it sounds like they are the ones. Here's why:
I am a pretty big Scooby Doo fan, so there is a bumper sticker, floor mats, and sun shade in my car. Turns out they want to buy it for their 16 year old son who is "the biggest Scooby fan ever."
Also, Squishy's brother joined the Marines out of high school and I promptly slapped a "my brother is a US Marine" bumper sticker on the car. Turns out their other son is getting ready to leave for Marine basic.
And in more "who does that?" craziness... tomorrow Squishy is meeting them to have a mechanic friend of theirs fix the belt that is causing the AC and power steering not to work. Keep in mind, they haven't bought the car yet! How awesome is that? I can't imagine that they will go to all that work and then not want it, so with a little luck, that vehicle will be sold very soon.
It just makes me smile that everything comes full circle. And it has been so heart warming to see people just do nice things (lower the price, fix a car that isn't theirs yet).
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Update
Squishy is downstairs doing his portion of the home study, and I'm upstairs trying my best not to listen in. ;)
So far it is going really well. Our social worker is very nice and easy to talk to. She has worked with our agency before and said that they are one of the best. She told us that she met with a family in March for their initial home study and was back in April for their follow-up! Hopefully she will be back here in a few months for ours.
I had dinner ready right when she got here so we just sat around the table talking and eating. That lasted just shy of about two hours. Then Squishy brought the kiddo upstairs and got him ready for bed while I did my interview.
None of the questions really surprised me, so that's good. The question I think I got hung up on the most is "what have you learned about yourself in the adoption process?" Um.....
So that's that. Really, if you are thinking about adoption or ever need a home study, so not anything to worry about. :)
So far it is going really well. Our social worker is very nice and easy to talk to. She has worked with our agency before and said that they are one of the best. She told us that she met with a family in March for their initial home study and was back in April for their follow-up! Hopefully she will be back here in a few months for ours.
I had dinner ready right when she got here so we just sat around the table talking and eating. That lasted just shy of about two hours. Then Squishy brought the kiddo upstairs and got him ready for bed while I did my interview.
None of the questions really surprised me, so that's good. The question I think I got hung up on the most is "what have you learned about yourself in the adoption process?" Um.....
So that's that. Really, if you are thinking about adoption or ever need a home study, so not anything to worry about. :)
Today is the day...
... that I officially give up control over this whole adoption process. Tonight is our home study and then it is out of my hands.
I have no doubt that we will pass our home study... Squishy is in the military and they keep him on a pretty tight leash, so he'll check out clean. And I just got certified to run a day care in my home which required ridiculous amounts of background checks and home inspections as well.
I'm rereading Dan Savage's book "The Kid" and last night I was at the part where he talks about the home study. It's a long passage, so I won't type it all out here, but basically it boils down to only for adoption do you have to first prove that you are a fit parent. In the natural baby making world anyone can get pregnant, regardless of their income, health, living situation, or substance use. They only get denied kids AFTER they screw up, and even then, they still get to have more (look at Casey Anthony... no one is going to stop her from having another kiddo).
So my real fear isn't the home study. I've prepped a meal for us and I'm sending Squirt to a friends house this afternoon so that I can remove the top layer of toddler dirt from my house. Then I will take a shower, but some make-up on, and just try to be my sweet, charming self (HA!).
But then it's done. There is no more paperwork to work on. No more profile drafts to edit. Just waiting.
Since I don't wait well, I'm trying to find things that to fill the time. One thing that I realized I can start once the home study is official is applying for adoption grants. There are TONS of programs that will give you money for your adoption, it is just a matter of doing the searches and finding ones that fit your situation, and once again doing paperwork. Most of them are just small grants, but when you are looking at such an expensive process, I'll gladly take a couple of hundred dollars here and a couple of hundred dollars there.
As you may be able to tell from this blog, the adoption has pretty much taken over any free space in my brain. If I'm not with Squirt or doing something that requires my full attention, I'm thinking about this adoption. My computer time is spent reading blogs, looking up books, visiting our agencies website for the hundredth time.
Yesterday, I did a search for reviews of our agency. I did this months ago before we settled with this agency, but I'm finding that rereading things (like "The Kid") at this stage in the process sheds a completely different light. One of the reviews I read was from a woman who activated with the agency, was matched with a mom 13 days later, and the baby was born 15 days after that. That's less than a month!
I keep looking at the agencies statistics... 1-9 months before we have a baby. 1-9 months!
Oh, little Spud, if you are already out there somewhere or growing in a tummy, please know that I love you so much. This is going to be an interesting adventure for all of us, and I may not always know the exact right thing to do or how best to support you, but you should always know that you are my heart & soul. I haven't even met you yet, and already I know that I wouldn't be the same without you. Momma loves you more than words and I hope you always know how truly wanted you are.
I have no doubt that we will pass our home study... Squishy is in the military and they keep him on a pretty tight leash, so he'll check out clean. And I just got certified to run a day care in my home which required ridiculous amounts of background checks and home inspections as well.
I'm rereading Dan Savage's book "The Kid" and last night I was at the part where he talks about the home study. It's a long passage, so I won't type it all out here, but basically it boils down to only for adoption do you have to first prove that you are a fit parent. In the natural baby making world anyone can get pregnant, regardless of their income, health, living situation, or substance use. They only get denied kids AFTER they screw up, and even then, they still get to have more (look at Casey Anthony... no one is going to stop her from having another kiddo).
So my real fear isn't the home study. I've prepped a meal for us and I'm sending Squirt to a friends house this afternoon so that I can remove the top layer of toddler dirt from my house. Then I will take a shower, but some make-up on, and just try to be my sweet, charming self (HA!).
But then it's done. There is no more paperwork to work on. No more profile drafts to edit. Just waiting.
Since I don't wait well, I'm trying to find things that to fill the time. One thing that I realized I can start once the home study is official is applying for adoption grants. There are TONS of programs that will give you money for your adoption, it is just a matter of doing the searches and finding ones that fit your situation, and once again doing paperwork. Most of them are just small grants, but when you are looking at such an expensive process, I'll gladly take a couple of hundred dollars here and a couple of hundred dollars there.
As you may be able to tell from this blog, the adoption has pretty much taken over any free space in my brain. If I'm not with Squirt or doing something that requires my full attention, I'm thinking about this adoption. My computer time is spent reading blogs, looking up books, visiting our agencies website for the hundredth time.
Yesterday, I did a search for reviews of our agency. I did this months ago before we settled with this agency, but I'm finding that rereading things (like "The Kid") at this stage in the process sheds a completely different light. One of the reviews I read was from a woman who activated with the agency, was matched with a mom 13 days later, and the baby was born 15 days after that. That's less than a month!
I keep looking at the agencies statistics... 1-9 months before we have a baby. 1-9 months!
Oh, little Spud, if you are already out there somewhere or growing in a tummy, please know that I love you so much. This is going to be an interesting adventure for all of us, and I may not always know the exact right thing to do or how best to support you, but you should always know that you are my heart & soul. I haven't even met you yet, and already I know that I wouldn't be the same without you. Momma loves you more than words and I hope you always know how truly wanted you are.
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