2012 isn't even half over yet, and I gotta tell you, this is not looking like a good year for me. The last month has seen my life becoming even more stressful and emotional then it was when we lost Zac. I didn't know that it was possible to feel so much pain and confusion.
As I mentioned in my last post, I put our adoption plans on hold. I'm very thankful that I did that before life started spinning me in circles. We are new home owners, which is wonderful, but it brings a new set of responsibilities. Squishy had a medical issue that came up, which was scary and time consuming. Squishy's Dad & Step-mom came for a pre-scheduled visit and his Mom came to help with all the medical craziness. All that aside, the biggest change is yet to come: Squishy has made the decision to leave the military and resume civilian life after 10 years.
My emotions about this are kind of all over the place, so I am turning to you my dear blog. While it is not directly adoption related, I think that any life stuff that happens to us impacts our adoption plans. And as always, if I am blessed with another child, I want that kid to know the struggles and triumphs we had creating our family.
Let me start by saying that I think Squishy getting out of the military is the right decision for Him. He has been through 4 deployments, seen things no one should have to see, and is ready for a change. Since it is ultimately the best decision for him, I know in the long run it is the right decision for our family. It means major changes for all of us, but right now I kind of feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick.
These next couple of paragraphs may come off a little whiny, so I apologize in advance.
The military is our identity. We shop on base, our friends are military, we have military health insurance, and in 10 years we were supposed to start getting a military retirement check. Our life insurance is through the military. Stepping away from the military means recreating a whole lot of the basic support structures. While it is possible and I can do it, I wasn't planning on having to do it. And if you know me at all, getting the rug pulled out from under me does not make me very comfortable (or easy to be around I'm sure).
With Squishy leaving the military and going back to school, I am heading back to full-time work. I have no problem with hardwork. What I do have a problem with is my resume and leaving Squirt. Growing up I had always planned to be a career woman, but when I fell in love with Squishy and had Squirt, that had to change. The particular area of education that I got my masters degree in really required me to move and get a "real" job after graduation. But being married to a military man, that didn't happen. It took me 2 years after graduation and a move to Texas before I landed my first grown-up job. It wasn't perfect (no job is), but it was my job with a real paycheck and benefits and an office. Unfortunately, my job required a lot of long hours and with Squishy's deployment schedule, I had no clue how I could balance all of it with a baby. As I was making the decision, a dear friend told me that I could always restart my career, I couldn't recreate time with my son.
Squirt will be three at the end of summer and I have never for a second regretted the decision. I love, Love, LOVE being a stay at home mom. Sometimes I look at our weeks and I feel like we didn't do anything productive. But then he gives me 15 kisses on his own, since he currently loves to pick numbers and count, and oh I feel like I must be doing something right. After 3 years, with the new house, and my nursery job at the church, I finally felt like I was getting in the groove. I was with Squirt and back working in education, sort of, and things were going to be great.
And now, I have to go back to work. My resume looks like crap. Let's see: fast food, retail, military, education, church receptionist, fast food, retail, care-giver, substitute teacher, weight loss counselor,education, 18 month gap, daycare, church nursery. I can tell people until I'm blue in the face that my short tenure at places was due to moving and having a kid and blah, blah, blah, but the fact is that I look flighty and like I have no clue what I want to do when I grow up. I have a bunch of skills (customer service, organization, blah, blah, blah), but I don't have a clue and/or the confidence on how to market myself.
I've started applying for jobs and realize that even if I were some how able to do some resume magic and build the confidence to land a real job in education (I don't even care at this point what level of education), most real jobs mean working 8-5. That means less time with Squirt.
Okay, I know there are millions of mom's out there that work and only see their kids in the evenings and weekends. Push comes to shove, I'll do it if I have to, but I don't want to. I would much Much MUCH rather work afternoons or evenings or overnights so that I get to maximize my time with him. The problem with that is that most of those jobs are a bit more blue collar. And I'm really not a snob about working retail or fast food (as my resume shows), but there is still an ego thing involved. Fact is I'm 31 years old, I don't know if I have the stamina to be on my feet for 8 hours a day or the desire to come home smelling like grease. But yet my heart is telling me that McDonald's is the right way to go. It has health insurance, flexible hours, and I can still hang out with my crazy kiddo.
I also really don't want to lose my job at the church, which I would need to do if I go back to a "regular" job. I love my co-workers and am so excited for the year ahead. Once again, I think typing it out is giving me my answers.
I have an interview tomorrow at McDonald's, and if they offer it, I think I am going to accept. I will keep applying for other jobs that might be a little bit more fitting (both my sisters work for hotels and I think that might be a more appealing option), but I think until Squirt is a little older, I need to sacrifice my ego a bit and do this. We still have several months of military paychecks coming in, but with me working, we can put more towards the house and the adoption and make a little more of a financial cushion.
Meanwhile, Squishy is applying to schools and I am restarting classes towards my doctorate in June. Maybe in a couple of years we will be able to both find our "dream" jobs and grow up, but for the next couple of years, I think the priority is just going to be on doing what we need to for our family.
Once I am working again and I have a better grasp on our budget and such, we can update our homestudy and our adoption profile and go from there.
And through it all, I find myself going back to my old stand-by: counting my blessings. I know that Squirt is learning a lot from me, but I really hope that I am able to teach him that in even the most trying times he is truly fortunate. I close with a list of things that I am so very Very VERY thankful for.
Right as Squishy was having so many problems with work, a friend lost her husband "over there," doing the same job Squishy did. People in their line of work get hurt and killed far too often, but this is the first time it really hit close to home for me. Despite all the craziness of the past and the uncertainty of the future, Squishy is by my side. He never has to deploy again. I am so thankful for that.
And when he did get sick, we had health insurance and the right resources to heal him. I am healthy, he is getting healthy, and Squirt is healthy. I hate to even imagine the alternative.
I'm crabby and scared about going back to work, but what a blessing that I can work. I think too often this one gets taken for granted.
I have a roof over my head and I live in a nice house that is (mostly) clean with running water and electricity. I have a closet full of clothes and food in my fridge. This blessing alone reminds me of just how fortunate I am.
I have an incredible support system that truly amazes me every day. I have friends and family that I can call in the middle of the night and people who will drop everything to be here to support me when I need it. I am in awe and speechless over that fact. You all encourage me to be a better friend to those around me.
And finally, I have Squirt. Oh, that child is my reason for everything. He doesn't care what my resume looks like or whether I work at McDonalds or if we live on PB & J's... he just wants to be with his "Ba," (Mom) and that is my primary focus. The rest is just noise.
