On Hold

We have placed ourselves "on hold" with the agency for awhile. My brain/heart can only handle so much at a time and right now my focus is on Squishy (he is having some struggles at work) and our current family. The new house is AMAZING, but with it comes new bills and a necessity to overhaul our budget. I've never before in my life paid a water bill or a gas bill, so I am completely clueless as to how to estimate them (I even tried googling "average water bill for our city" and no success).

My heart is just overwhelmed right now. A friend lost her husband who was deployed last weekend. Kind of just feels like a punch to the gut. As wives, we do our best to prepare ourselves, but I just want to run to her and hold her tight. And a co-workers daughter recently got told she has cancer. And the father of two dear friends is in the hospital... this man was a primary male role model for me for many years and my heart is breaking for my "brother and sister," who have enough on their plate.  There is so much bad and sad in the world, that I find myself completely unable to tolerate people who are negative about minor things.

Things were pretty stressful in our house this week and I know it was a combination of stress from the move/overtiredness/and illness. I was very crabby and negative must of the week. I've learned that when I'm in a that kind of mood, I tend to attract more negative things into my life. Or I notice the bad things more. And I let them impact me more. For example, on Thursday, I stopped by the store to buy a get well card for the above mentioned daughter with cancer. Debit card got declined. WHAT?!? It seriously put me in a funk the rest of the day, even after I logged onto our account and got it squared away (we have overdraft protection, so no harm, no foul). It was just a simple mistake since I have been distracted, but I let it eat away at me.

My point is, we all have bad days. We are all allowed bad days. But the key here is "DAYS." I'm so over the people who just complain. I'm tempted to go through my facebook account and if you haven't said anything positive in your last three status updates... DELETE.

Like I said, this week was pretty rough for me. I'm a compulsive planner type and suddenly events happened with Squishy's job that made me question our long term financial future. To put it mildly, I freaked the heck out. But after a few days, I feel in a much better place. Maybe even better than I was before the scary events because I'm in a much deeper place of gratitude.

When I was freaking out on Monday, I did something that I don't think I have ever done: I turned to my dad for guidance first. I usually go to my mom (the 'rents have never been together in my lifetime), but this time, within minutes, I was firing off an e-mail to my dad. God bless that man... he e-mailed me back almost instantly, and e-mailed several times over the course of the next few days to follow up. And on Thursday (the same crappy Thursday above), he left me a voice mail message in which he told me he loved me twice in about 30 seconds. It made a world of difference to me.

Some big lessons/reminders that came out of this week: on our very worst day, Squishy and I still have each other. I take that for granted A LOT. I take him for granted A LOT. But the fact is that life is always going to have struggles, but I am so very thankful that during all of the struggles, I have him as my co-captain. We have an incredibly amazing and healthy son. Squirt is a lot of things right now at 2 1/2.... stubborn being the first one that comes to mine. But he is healthy and he is here and he is ours. As I type, the tears start as I think about the friends who don't have that.

I've mentioned it before, but I find great comfort in counting my blessings. Some days I have to start with the very basics: clean air and water. I heard that song "and I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free" the other day. I'm not super uber patriotic and "Go America," but I am completely thankful for the things we have in this country that we so often take for granted. The song says something about how if you woke up and had absolutely nothing but your spouse and kids, you would be thankful to be in America, where starting over is possible.

Sorry this is kind of an all-over the place post... I'm just kind of feeling all over the place inside. It is hard coping with struggles and trying to remain focused on the positives and the basics.

And now, I'm going to get off the computer and go snuggle with that amazing husband of mine and whisper in his ear just how truly appreciative I am of him.

Letting Go

So we bought a house. Super duper excited for this. Unfortunately, in the packing process I'm once again confronted with "baby stuff." I've held on to it since Squirt outgrew it, thinking/hoping/knowing that he'd be a big brother soon. But after 2 disruptions, I'm finding myself letting go of the idea.

I just couldn't bring myself to pack it all up and move it. I didn't know where in the new place I would put it either. Truth is, everytime I look at it, I mourn for Zac.

And so, I am donating it all. I hate that I'm wasting a lot of money and that some of it was gifts to Zac, but I really just can't stand to see it. I figure that maybe items that are bringing me pain can bring joy to someone else.

The realtor was amazed at how efficient I was during the whole process, and I explained to her that it is easy for me to follow orders. If only everything in my life could come with such explicit instructions...

With the move, and it being nearly a year since we got our homestudy completed, we need to update a bunch of security clearances and get a new home visit. It all means time and money. I'm losing my faith. I'm holding on because Squishy still is and I don't have anything against being a mom again, but if he came to me tomorrow and said "I'm okay with Squirt being an only child," I think I would breathe a sigh of relief at this point.

I used to stress about the idea of a hospital call... the "a baby was born, you have 24 hours to come get him/her," because I didn't know how to start planning for that. Now, that is what I hope for. I feel like it would just be a billion times easier on my heart right now to just have that chaos for a few weeks and then bring home a baby, then to get matched again and then just wait. If I was worried about being distant with birth mom #2 after getting burned by the Zac situation, I really don't know what I emotionally have to offer birth mom #3. "Once bitten, twice shy," but what about twice bitten? Scared for life?

This whole process has left me feeling extremely powerless. I feel like walking away would at least be our decision... something we can control.

And meanwhile more and more friends are getting pregnant and having babies. It is such a mixed set of emotions... to be so completely happy for them... especially the first time parents... and yet to be so... jealous? Is that what I am? Am I jealous? I feel like jealousy is such an ugly emotion, but maybe that's what I am. And I just feel guilty, because while I have this amazing toddler, I know there are still so many friends and family struggling to become parents for the first time.... am I being selfish wanting another?