There is a part of my heart that is missing, and its name is Spud. I suck at waiting and my arms are desperate to hold my kiddo.
This weekend we traveled a few hours south to see one of our dearest friends and spend the day at Sea World. There is something so comforting about just getting to talk with those friends that feel more like family; an honesty comes to the surface and you talk about things you have been afraid to admit even to yourself.
As much as I want another child, I question on a daily basis if I am being selfish in trying to adopt. There are no guarantees in life and I just get wrapped up in worry that I'm not going to be able to protect Squirt or Spud from the bad that exists in this world.
My head spins round and round. When I named this blog "Waiting for Spud," I really did it more as a joke, thinking we would be one of those couples matched right away. But a month in and I'm wondering how long I can wait without going insane.
Every time the phone rings, I jump. And when it is an out of area number not programmed in my phone, my heart races. When the voice on the other end turns out not to be from the adoption agency, I'll be honest, I grieve a little. I dream about getting the phone call and find myself just wanting to sleep, willing it to be tomorrow, thinking "maybe this will be the day Spud finds us." Yes, my job is exhausting, but I went to bed before 8pm last night!
Everyone says that Spud will find us, but what if he or she doesn't? What if Spud isn't meant to be? No one wants to talk to me about that and it feels lonely and scary. This weekend my friend mentioned if we go a whole year with nothing, we could try another agency or IVF or something. But honestly, I don't think my heart is there. I don't know if I can re-do the home study and background checks and medical checks.
Blah! Sorry for such a negative post. I feel a lot of guilt even writing this when there are bunches of couples that have sick babies or no kiddos at all. I figure if Spud does find us one day, I want these blogs to show him or her all the love and emotions that went into bringing them home.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
Three Weeks
Well Spud,
Daddy and I have been active with the agency for three weeks now and you still haven't found us yet. These three weeks honestly feel more like three years. I'm just so ready for you and I am having a hard time just relaxing and letting things happen as they will.
Last night I had a "Spud dream," as I call them. I had received two e-mails from birth families, saying they had picked us, only to find out they were spam. It was devastating.
I really don't have much to say today... just wanted to let you know that I love you and am thinking about you.
Desperate to meet you,
Momma
Daddy and I have been active with the agency for three weeks now and you still haven't found us yet. These three weeks honestly feel more like three years. I'm just so ready for you and I am having a hard time just relaxing and letting things happen as they will.
Last night I had a "Spud dream," as I call them. I had received two e-mails from birth families, saying they had picked us, only to find out they were spam. It was devastating.
I really don't have much to say today... just wanted to let you know that I love you and am thinking about you.
Desperate to meet you,
Momma
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Longing
I've been working the fair the last few nights and one of my favorite parts is helping customers so that I can check out the cute kids.
I worked at Burger King in high school and retail for awhile and I remember one of the perks being checking out good looking guys. Men, unless they are Hollywood hotties, don't even register on my radar anymore. I've got an incredibly wonderful/smart/sexy man at home. But babies and kids... they get my attention!
I'm just so ready to meet Spud. I want to know his or her background so that I can start imagining what they will look like. Tonight I saw the most gorgeous half black/half Hispanic little girl and I about wanted to kidnap her.
There was also this young couple (maybe college age) that ordered, and as they stood there waiting for their food, she rubbed her belly in that "there is a life inside me" kind of way. She wasn't showing at all, so maybe I'm just reading too much into the situation, but it made me wonder if they had just found out they were expecting.
I remember the day I learned that Squirt was on the way, and until he switched phones, Squishy had a picture of us celebrating at dinner the night we found out. So many crazy emotions.
I won't have that same bond with Spud, but I'm anxious to connect with the birth mom and hear her stories about finding out about Spud and feeling those first butterflies and kicks.
I'm so ready for Spud to come home. A little over two weeks is all that it has been and I'm just anxious.
I worked at Burger King in high school and retail for awhile and I remember one of the perks being checking out good looking guys. Men, unless they are Hollywood hotties, don't even register on my radar anymore. I've got an incredibly wonderful/smart/sexy man at home. But babies and kids... they get my attention!
I'm just so ready to meet Spud. I want to know his or her background so that I can start imagining what they will look like. Tonight I saw the most gorgeous half black/half Hispanic little girl and I about wanted to kidnap her.
There was also this young couple (maybe college age) that ordered, and as they stood there waiting for their food, she rubbed her belly in that "there is a life inside me" kind of way. She wasn't showing at all, so maybe I'm just reading too much into the situation, but it made me wonder if they had just found out they were expecting.
I remember the day I learned that Squirt was on the way, and until he switched phones, Squishy had a picture of us celebrating at dinner the night we found out. So many crazy emotions.
I won't have that same bond with Spud, but I'm anxious to connect with the birth mom and hear her stories about finding out about Spud and feeling those first butterflies and kicks.
I'm so ready for Spud to come home. A little over two weeks is all that it has been and I'm just anxious.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Checking In
Hey Spud,
On Sunday, your cousin Nathaniel was born and in just a few months your Aunt Katie will be delivering your next cousin. Daddy and I keep hoping that you will join the pack and we can have the "2011 babies."
We have been active with the agency for 2 weeks and I gotta tell you, the waiting really is the hardest part. I feel powerless and anxious. I'm trying to enjoy just being a family of three and appreciating how (relatively) easy life is. But really, I'm just ready for you to get here.
I am ready to turn Squirt's big boy bed back into a crib for you. I'm ready to snuggle and co-sleep with a tiny little one again. I'm ready to unpack the newborn car seat and all the tiny clothes. I'm ready to buy new bottles and formula again. Mostly, I'm just ready to get to know you.
Daddy and I have been going back and forth on your middle name. Your first name is pretty well set, but the middle name just isn't coming to us as easily. Last night I told Daddy that I think the reason for this is because I really want your birth mommy to help us pick. Maybe give you her last name or another family name?
Spud, I want you to always feel like Daddy and I are a team with your birth mom. I've always believed that children are best raised in a community of love and I think an open adoption is a perfect example of that.
Every night (and many times throughout the day) I think about your birth mom and what an amazing woman she must be. Since I already love you so much, I find myself in just such awe of her for creating you and picking us to be your parents.
Years from now, when you hear "your story," I want you to know how much you are wanted and loved by all of us. I jump every time the phone rings and stop breathing when it is a number not programmed in my phone. It's been 2 weeks but it feels like a lot longer. They said the average wait can be up to 9 months. I told Daddy that I'm giving myself 5 months of this waiting before I start freaking out and asking the agency what is wrong with us.
Well my little love, I need to get back to my day. Just know that Momma is thinking about you and loving you.
On Sunday, your cousin Nathaniel was born and in just a few months your Aunt Katie will be delivering your next cousin. Daddy and I keep hoping that you will join the pack and we can have the "2011 babies."
We have been active with the agency for 2 weeks and I gotta tell you, the waiting really is the hardest part. I feel powerless and anxious. I'm trying to enjoy just being a family of three and appreciating how (relatively) easy life is. But really, I'm just ready for you to get here.
I am ready to turn Squirt's big boy bed back into a crib for you. I'm ready to snuggle and co-sleep with a tiny little one again. I'm ready to unpack the newborn car seat and all the tiny clothes. I'm ready to buy new bottles and formula again. Mostly, I'm just ready to get to know you.
Daddy and I have been going back and forth on your middle name. Your first name is pretty well set, but the middle name just isn't coming to us as easily. Last night I told Daddy that I think the reason for this is because I really want your birth mommy to help us pick. Maybe give you her last name or another family name?
Spud, I want you to always feel like Daddy and I are a team with your birth mom. I've always believed that children are best raised in a community of love and I think an open adoption is a perfect example of that.
Every night (and many times throughout the day) I think about your birth mom and what an amazing woman she must be. Since I already love you so much, I find myself in just such awe of her for creating you and picking us to be your parents.
Years from now, when you hear "your story," I want you to know how much you are wanted and loved by all of us. I jump every time the phone rings and stop breathing when it is a number not programmed in my phone. It's been 2 weeks but it feels like a lot longer. They said the average wait can be up to 9 months. I told Daddy that I'm giving myself 5 months of this waiting before I start freaking out and asking the agency what is wrong with us.
Well my little love, I need to get back to my day. Just know that Momma is thinking about you and loving you.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
And so we wait
Dear Spud,
I just wanted you to know that I love you and am thinking about you. They said this part... the waiting to get matched... would be the hardest part, and they were right!
I try to keep myself distracted and not obsess, but you cross my mind a thousand times a day.
Lately, I feel like God/whatever Higher Power you pick to believe in, is sending Daddy and I lots of signs that we are on the right path with this adoption. We see little ones now and start wondering what you will look like. Two of the kiddos that are in my daycare right now are twins and they are just the most beautiful little boys. And there are two baby girls I have subbed for that have just this mass of hair and the chubbiest thighs. The other night on the phone, your Nanny was talking about how if you are a little girl, we will all be learning how to do little black baby hair. Confession: this is one of the biggest fears your Daddy and I have with the adoption. Daddy says if you are a boy, he'll just keep your hair really short like his.
This is the song that plays in my mind whenever I think of you. It is from the band The Moody Blues.
"I Know You're Out There Somewhere"
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know I'll find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
And somehow I'll return again to you
The mist is lifting slowly
I can see the way ahead
And I've left behind the empty streets
That once inspired my life
And the strength of the emotion
Is like thunder in the air
'Cos the promise that we made each other
Haunts me to the end
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere you can hear my voice
I know I'll find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know I'll find you somehow
And somehow I'll return again to you
The secret of your beauty
And the mystery of your soul
I've been searching for in everyone I meet
And the times I've been mistaken
It's impossible to say
And the grass is growing
Underneath our feet
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere you can hear my voice
I know I'll find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know I'll find you somehow
And somehow I'll return again to you
[Interlude:]
You see I know you're out there somewhere
O yes I know you're out there somewhere
You see I know I'll find you somehow
O yes I know I'll find you somehow
the words that I remember
From my childhood still are true
That there's none so blind
As those who will not see
And to those who lack the courage
And say it's dangerous to try
Well they just don't know
That love eternal will not be denied
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere you can hear my voice
I know I'll find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know I'll find you somehow
And somehow I'll return again to you
Yes I know it's going to happen
I can feel you getting near
And soon we'll be returning
To the fountain of our youth
And if you wake up wondering
In the darkness I'll be there
My arms will close around you
And protect you with the truth
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere you can hear my voice
I know I'll find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know I'll find you somehow
And somehow I'll return again to you
I just wanted you to know that I love you and am thinking about you. They said this part... the waiting to get matched... would be the hardest part, and they were right!
I try to keep myself distracted and not obsess, but you cross my mind a thousand times a day.
Lately, I feel like God/whatever Higher Power you pick to believe in, is sending Daddy and I lots of signs that we are on the right path with this adoption. We see little ones now and start wondering what you will look like. Two of the kiddos that are in my daycare right now are twins and they are just the most beautiful little boys. And there are two baby girls I have subbed for that have just this mass of hair and the chubbiest thighs. The other night on the phone, your Nanny was talking about how if you are a little girl, we will all be learning how to do little black baby hair. Confession: this is one of the biggest fears your Daddy and I have with the adoption. Daddy says if you are a boy, he'll just keep your hair really short like his.
This is the song that plays in my mind whenever I think of you. It is from the band The Moody Blues.
"I Know You're Out There Somewhere"
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know I'll find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
And somehow I'll return again to you
The mist is lifting slowly
I can see the way ahead
And I've left behind the empty streets
That once inspired my life
And the strength of the emotion
Is like thunder in the air
'Cos the promise that we made each other
Haunts me to the end
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere you can hear my voice
I know I'll find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know I'll find you somehow
And somehow I'll return again to you
The secret of your beauty
And the mystery of your soul
I've been searching for in everyone I meet
And the times I've been mistaken
It's impossible to say
And the grass is growing
Underneath our feet
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere you can hear my voice
I know I'll find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know I'll find you somehow
And somehow I'll return again to you
[Interlude:]
You see I know you're out there somewhere
O yes I know you're out there somewhere
You see I know I'll find you somehow
O yes I know I'll find you somehow
the words that I remember
From my childhood still are true
That there's none so blind
As those who will not see
And to those who lack the courage
And say it's dangerous to try
Well they just don't know
That love eternal will not be denied
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere you can hear my voice
I know I'll find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know I'll find you somehow
And somehow I'll return again to you
Yes I know it's going to happen
I can feel you getting near
And soon we'll be returning
To the fountain of our youth
And if you wake up wondering
In the darkness I'll be there
My arms will close around you
And protect you with the truth
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere you can hear my voice
I know I'll find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know I'll find you somehow
And somehow I'll return again to you
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