Prayers

Talking about God is kind of a touchy subject in our house. Squishy and I have differing beliefs, so what I type here is simply my opinion, not ours as a couple.

I used to think that if God didn't make things happen the way you wanted them to that He didn't care. I selfishly and ignorantly assume that I knew what was best. It has taken a lot of years for me to come to a place (and believe me, I still struggle) with recognizing that Garth Brooks was right when he sang "some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."

Upon the advice of the adoption agency, we have decided not to move forward with the match. Basically, the birth mom was showing indications of planning to parent. All of our money will be returned and we are once again active, waiting for a match. We told less people this time, and I think by the time we finally get a kiddo, we won't even tell each other!

I sent up a lot of prayers to God about this match. Squishy and I had made the decision that if this baby was born and we didn't get to bring her home that we were going to stop trying. I had meant for God to make sure I got to bring that little girl home, but He knows best. I'm glad that we know now, before we devoted months in getting to know the birth mom and prepping for a baby.

I have to believe with my whole heart that I am meant to be a mommy again. I'm not sure why we are having such a hard time (my mom asked "does this agency ever have successful placements?'), but I'm sure that it is all happening for a reason.

Thank you all for your continued love and support.

Perspective

The last few days I have been in a good place regarding the adoption.

For those that haven't heard, we have been matched again. Please don't make a big deal out of it, since we are keeping it on the down-low. We made such a big deal out of Zac and that got our hearts broken, so this time, we are just trying to go on with our lives. Once bitten, twice shy. If this placement is successful, we will have a whole lifetime to get excited and celebrate.

Meanwhile, we have been in contact with an adoption support group here in town. They meet monthly during the school year and have speakers/panels about various topics. I was able to meet one-on-one with the woman who is organizing the group and I am very thankful and excited to have connect with them. Our first meeting will be in April, when we get to hear from adults that have been adopted. It sounds like the group is a good mix of people who have adopted and who are thinking about and/or trying to adopt, like us. There is also a good mix of foster to adoptions, international, domestic, and private adoptions. I think that long term, it will be really important for us as a family to have connections with other families with adoption experience to help us through some of the unique challenges.

Currently, we have a video camera from the agency that we are using to make a video for our profile. Even though we have been matched again, we were encouraged to still move forward with the video, either to show the birth mom or to put on our profile if we are once again disrupted. Basically we shoot a bunch of footage of us being us and then the agency makes it into a 3 minute video. It is pretty strange since I don't really consider us all that super excited. "Here is us reading books," "here is us at the park." We have the camera until the beginning of April, so I'm trying to plot fun things to film. We have an Easter Egg Hunt coming up at work. And Squirt will start swim lessons the first weekend in April. I just saw on tv that there is a Dinosaur Train event (with a special appearance by Buddy) next weekend, so I might have to drag the family on a road trip for that! The Hubby is going out of town this week for work, so I'm making him take the camera too. I know WHY they are having families make these videos, but honestly, I just feel so uncomfortable on film!

I mentioned work in the above paragraph... I've started working a few days a week at a Mothers Day Out program. It is nice to get out of the house, and make a little money, plus I get to take Squirt with me. I'm a teacher in the 2 & 3 year old classroom. Love the kids! And my co-workers! Very thankful for this opportunity.

When we aren't working, Squishy and I have started house hunting. So exciting and scary! Are we really grown-up enough to buy a house?!? Thanks to pinterest (and basically renting for the last 13 years), I am soooo excited to paint, plant a garden, decorate. We found a couple that we are really interested in, and go back out there tomorrow. Sunny & Squishy: Homeowners. EEK!

Alright, time to get off the computer and clean up the house a bit. I'm hosting our MOPS steering committee meeting this morning. Which means I could have an extra 5 kids and 5 adults coming over in a couple of hours.

Love to you all!

Monday

Sorry that it has been a little while. I've been living a lot "in my head" the past few weeks.

I am trying to move forward, but still feeling so betrayed. I'm trying to balance wanting what is best for Zac with being oh-so-angry at his birth parents. And I'm trying to come to peace with what has happened and what we have lost.

I want to close my eyes and forget that any of this ever happened, just wipe the slate clean. But I also want to remember every second and detail of loving that little baby.

Mostly, I'm just trying to stay busy so that it doesn't hurt.