I talked in my last post about the differences between pregnancy and adoption. With Squirt we remember the day we found out we were pregnant, the first time we heard the heartbeat, the first ultrasound.
Today is an adoption celebration day... a memorable moment in the story of Spud. Today we are an active family we the agency.
As of now, a birth mom can see our profile.
I just have to have complete faith that someone is going to think, "A military family with a stay at home mom who wants to homeschool is perfect for my kid."
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Differences
Yesterday our homestudy finally arrived in the mail and I rushed off to the UPS store to get it to Kansas as soon as possible. (FYI: For $34 it will be at their offices by 1030 Tuesday morning) I was ecstatic and excited and super giddy. I wanted to tell the world; to mark this milestone, but there really wasn't anyone I could think of.
It made me think about the differences between the pregnancy process and the adoption process. I remember when I was pregnant with Squirt, I told EVERYONE (even folks who could care less) about the updates after every doctors appointment. My mom and mother-in-law received numerous texts and emails about babies heartrate and size and all the other fun tidbits. Every ultrasound picture was admired in great detail.
For those of you that have been pregnant more than once, I'm sure you could tell me that the ones that follow aren't quite as aww-inspiring since you've "been there, done that," and are exhausted by the ones already at home. I've noticed even on facebook the dramatic differences in pregnancy related status updates between the first-time parents and the veterans. It isn't that the first one is loved any more or more special, it just has a newness factor.
So while I admit that if I was pregnant right now, Spud probably wouldn't be getting the attention that Squirt got, I still feel a bit sad for Spud... like he (still tend to say "he," even though we would love a little girl) is getting the short end of the stick.
It is extremely hard not knowing when Spud will join our family. I try really hard to remind myself that there is a chance this might not work out, while still trying to prepare and believe. One of my dearest friends had her first kiddo a little before I had Squirt. Then she got pregnant again and had a miscarriage. She is once again pregnant and recently blogged about how she is trying to balance the excitement and joy of welcoming another kiddo into the world, while still wrestling with the knowledge and grief that sometimes things go wrong.
There have been thousands of moments along this journey that have kind of stung. I know that people don't do it on purpose and yet, I feel like I don't know how to handle the emotions. Just the other day I was talking to a friend of a friend about future plans. I said something along the lines of, "and with another one on the way..." to which she got all excited, "I didn't know you were pregnant! When is the baby due?" And once again I had to explain to someone that I'm not pregnant, that we are adopting, that the baby could end up being 18 months old and that he or she could be here next month or never. I'm not ashamed because I know that this is the right decision for our family, but it is still exhausting explaining it over and over and Over and OVER again to people.
I haven't found the right balance of answering their questions without feeling like I have to tell my whole life story. I really just want to print out business cards with this blog address and say "here you go. If you really want to know, find out here. If you were just trying to make conversation, you are off the hook."
I am trying really hard to just be in a zen place about the whole adoption. Having faith that Spud will find us when the time is right. Until then, I am trying really to focus on the home and family that are here now. As I posted earlier, I've been busy with the daycare. That is extra income for our family and a distraction from the worry and wondering. And honestly, it leaves me so exhausted that I feel it is good prep for when another kiddo joins the crew.
Friday I discovered The Fly Lady website (if I can figure out how to add links and stuff, I will) which is all about home management. It has simple steps for getting your house under control and then keeping it that way. The goal is to keep it clean and feel proud and learn to Finally Love Yourself.
I've mentioned before that I really think a key to success for me being a stay at home parent is to have things organized and under control. I'm slowly getting the meal thing down and organized. Next on the list is getting the house cleaning managed.
I will never be Super Mom who has everything perfected. As much as I would like to look like a movie star, serve my family gourmet meals, and have a house that you could feature in magazines... it won't happen. I'm learning to be okay with that. For example, I quit weight watchers and dieting. I'm a big girl and while I would love to be skinny, my real goal is to be healthy & happy. A number on the scale can't measure those things. I'm less tempted to eat ice cream if it doesn't feel off-limits. And water tastes better when I drink it to quench my thirst, rather than to reach a certain goal. I'm more proud of my workouts when I feel proud of myself for doing them and not guilty over whether it was perfect.
My goal right now is to have a clean home that feels comfortable. I want to serve my family food that is yummy and enjoy conversations around the dinner table. Some nights that means serving a frozen pizza, but we all like it and it is cheaper & healthier than eating out.
I've decided to give up on anything with the word "extreme" in it. For example, the shows and articles about extreme couponing and a family of twenty people living on $1 a day. Sure, it can be done, but at what emotional and time consuming cost? I like to clip coupons and am the consumer that the manufactures love... a coupon might just get me to pick up the name brand over the generic and try something new. In the end am I saving tons on my grocery bill? Nope, but again, I'm okay with that. Instead, I'm extremely proud that I am planning meals and going to the grocery store, rather than eating out. And *gasp* I am COOKING rather than just relying on boxed and frozen meals. Confession: for a long time, I really gave myself credit for cooking when I prepared a box of hamburger helper and opened a can of green beans. Turns out, there are a lot of things you can make in that same amount of time that are actually cheaper and a lot less processed.
Squirt & Spud, if you ever read these blog entries, I want you to know that you don't have to be perfect... not for me or anyone else. I think the hardest thing to learn is that you shouldn't have to be perfect for yourself either. Do your best, enjoy life, and don't worry about reaching some unattainable standard.
It made me think about the differences between the pregnancy process and the adoption process. I remember when I was pregnant with Squirt, I told EVERYONE (even folks who could care less) about the updates after every doctors appointment. My mom and mother-in-law received numerous texts and emails about babies heartrate and size and all the other fun tidbits. Every ultrasound picture was admired in great detail.
For those of you that have been pregnant more than once, I'm sure you could tell me that the ones that follow aren't quite as aww-inspiring since you've "been there, done that," and are exhausted by the ones already at home. I've noticed even on facebook the dramatic differences in pregnancy related status updates between the first-time parents and the veterans. It isn't that the first one is loved any more or more special, it just has a newness factor.
So while I admit that if I was pregnant right now, Spud probably wouldn't be getting the attention that Squirt got, I still feel a bit sad for Spud... like he (still tend to say "he," even though we would love a little girl) is getting the short end of the stick.
It is extremely hard not knowing when Spud will join our family. I try really hard to remind myself that there is a chance this might not work out, while still trying to prepare and believe. One of my dearest friends had her first kiddo a little before I had Squirt. Then she got pregnant again and had a miscarriage. She is once again pregnant and recently blogged about how she is trying to balance the excitement and joy of welcoming another kiddo into the world, while still wrestling with the knowledge and grief that sometimes things go wrong.
There have been thousands of moments along this journey that have kind of stung. I know that people don't do it on purpose and yet, I feel like I don't know how to handle the emotions. Just the other day I was talking to a friend of a friend about future plans. I said something along the lines of, "and with another one on the way..." to which she got all excited, "I didn't know you were pregnant! When is the baby due?" And once again I had to explain to someone that I'm not pregnant, that we are adopting, that the baby could end up being 18 months old and that he or she could be here next month or never. I'm not ashamed because I know that this is the right decision for our family, but it is still exhausting explaining it over and over and Over and OVER again to people.
I haven't found the right balance of answering their questions without feeling like I have to tell my whole life story. I really just want to print out business cards with this blog address and say "here you go. If you really want to know, find out here. If you were just trying to make conversation, you are off the hook."
I am trying really hard to just be in a zen place about the whole adoption. Having faith that Spud will find us when the time is right. Until then, I am trying really to focus on the home and family that are here now. As I posted earlier, I've been busy with the daycare. That is extra income for our family and a distraction from the worry and wondering. And honestly, it leaves me so exhausted that I feel it is good prep for when another kiddo joins the crew.
Friday I discovered The Fly Lady website (if I can figure out how to add links and stuff, I will) which is all about home management. It has simple steps for getting your house under control and then keeping it that way. The goal is to keep it clean and feel proud and learn to Finally Love Yourself.
I've mentioned before that I really think a key to success for me being a stay at home parent is to have things organized and under control. I'm slowly getting the meal thing down and organized. Next on the list is getting the house cleaning managed.
I will never be Super Mom who has everything perfected. As much as I would like to look like a movie star, serve my family gourmet meals, and have a house that you could feature in magazines... it won't happen. I'm learning to be okay with that. For example, I quit weight watchers and dieting. I'm a big girl and while I would love to be skinny, my real goal is to be healthy & happy. A number on the scale can't measure those things. I'm less tempted to eat ice cream if it doesn't feel off-limits. And water tastes better when I drink it to quench my thirst, rather than to reach a certain goal. I'm more proud of my workouts when I feel proud of myself for doing them and not guilty over whether it was perfect.
My goal right now is to have a clean home that feels comfortable. I want to serve my family food that is yummy and enjoy conversations around the dinner table. Some nights that means serving a frozen pizza, but we all like it and it is cheaper & healthier than eating out.
I've decided to give up on anything with the word "extreme" in it. For example, the shows and articles about extreme couponing and a family of twenty people living on $1 a day. Sure, it can be done, but at what emotional and time consuming cost? I like to clip coupons and am the consumer that the manufactures love... a coupon might just get me to pick up the name brand over the generic and try something new. In the end am I saving tons on my grocery bill? Nope, but again, I'm okay with that. Instead, I'm extremely proud that I am planning meals and going to the grocery store, rather than eating out. And *gasp* I am COOKING rather than just relying on boxed and frozen meals. Confession: for a long time, I really gave myself credit for cooking when I prepared a box of hamburger helper and opened a can of green beans. Turns out, there are a lot of things you can make in that same amount of time that are actually cheaper and a lot less processed.
Squirt & Spud, if you ever read these blog entries, I want you to know that you don't have to be perfect... not for me or anyone else. I think the hardest thing to learn is that you shouldn't have to be perfect for yourself either. Do your best, enjoy life, and don't worry about reaching some unattainable standard.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Back to School
Not much to update on the adoption front. Our homestudy got held up a bit, waiting for background checks from one of the states. Now that those have arrived, everything should be on its way to the adoption agency and then we should hopefully be active soon.
Squirt turned 2 this past weekend. It is absolutely beyond me how quickly these last few years have flown by. It seems like just last week I was pregnant and daydreaming about motherhood.
We spent his birthday with my in-laws, which required a 17 hour road trip. I calculated that Squirt and I have made 15 (!!!) major trips in the last 2 years. No wonder I am always so dang tired! On the positive side... he is EXCELLENT on the road and passes the time sleeping, watching a little tv, staring out the window, or just talking to his toys.
We got back home at 4am yesterday and after a few hours of sleep, I am back into my "normal" routine. With it being back-to-school week and trying to run the daycare, I have LOTS of new kiddos starting this week and next. I've been busy updating toys and books and menus and schedules. One kiddo needs walked to school three days a week; another is full-time three days a week. Plus, I got a call yesterday for mid-day care four days a week. On the one hand, it is going to be a challenge for me to remember which day of the week it is and what kids I have each day, but on the other hand, it should keep everyone busy, which makes the days go by faster. I'm hoping that the heat wave breaks soon so that we can get more outside time. I have a nice toy room, but young kids can only spend so much time inside before we all start going a little bonkers.
Yesterday I also got back into my healthy habits. Vacation meant eating out A LOT! Plus, Squishy's grandpa's house is a snackers paradise. I'm pretty sure I ate at least one cupcake/chocolate covered pretzel/cookie a day. I did manage to avoid all of the store-bought snacks (yum, Little Debbie's), so I am proud of that. Now that we are back home, our eating out is extremely limited, not only because it is freaking expensive but also because the calories are outrageous. I'm also chugging water, rather than soda like I was at Grandpa's. Last night I walked on the treadmill while watching Wheel of Fortune and this morning I did a 10 minute Spark People workout. For the daycare today, I'll be walking back and forth to the school 2 times. Go me!
I think that is about all on my front. Just trying to keep on keeping on.
Squirt turned 2 this past weekend. It is absolutely beyond me how quickly these last few years have flown by. It seems like just last week I was pregnant and daydreaming about motherhood.
We spent his birthday with my in-laws, which required a 17 hour road trip. I calculated that Squirt and I have made 15 (!!!) major trips in the last 2 years. No wonder I am always so dang tired! On the positive side... he is EXCELLENT on the road and passes the time sleeping, watching a little tv, staring out the window, or just talking to his toys.
We got back home at 4am yesterday and after a few hours of sleep, I am back into my "normal" routine. With it being back-to-school week and trying to run the daycare, I have LOTS of new kiddos starting this week and next. I've been busy updating toys and books and menus and schedules. One kiddo needs walked to school three days a week; another is full-time three days a week. Plus, I got a call yesterday for mid-day care four days a week. On the one hand, it is going to be a challenge for me to remember which day of the week it is and what kids I have each day, but on the other hand, it should keep everyone busy, which makes the days go by faster. I'm hoping that the heat wave breaks soon so that we can get more outside time. I have a nice toy room, but young kids can only spend so much time inside before we all start going a little bonkers.
Yesterday I also got back into my healthy habits. Vacation meant eating out A LOT! Plus, Squishy's grandpa's house is a snackers paradise. I'm pretty sure I ate at least one cupcake/chocolate covered pretzel/cookie a day. I did manage to avoid all of the store-bought snacks (yum, Little Debbie's), so I am proud of that. Now that we are back home, our eating out is extremely limited, not only because it is freaking expensive but also because the calories are outrageous. I'm also chugging water, rather than soda like I was at Grandpa's. Last night I walked on the treadmill while watching Wheel of Fortune and this morning I did a 10 minute Spark People workout. For the daycare today, I'll be walking back and forth to the school 2 times. Go me!
I think that is about all on my front. Just trying to keep on keeping on.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Better Person
There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that Squirt (and in some ways, Spud) has made me a better person. As he nears his second birthday, I've been thinking back on all the ways I have grown and changed since first learning I was pregnant.
One thing that really sticks out in my mind is that I am trying to be more civic minded and earth friendly. I'm certainly not great at either one of these things, but I'm trying for the kiddos sake. We can read all the books in the library about helping others and taking care of the planet, but if I don't do it, I think it will be a lot harder for them to learn the lesson.
I admire my friends that are super involved in local politics or that eat only vegan foods. They really do inspire me and part of me thinks Squirt would be a better person in the long run if they were his parents. But he is stuck with me, and I'm imperfect, so we just attempt to do the best we can.
Things that I am trying to teach Squirt:
* Always say "thank you." Those 2 words go farther than any others I can think of. Even if you forgot "please," you can rebound with a "thank you."
* Give to others. Maybe it is a dollar to someone on the corner; maybe food to the pantry on base; maybe it is to a cause you believe in. At the end of the day, someone needs it more than you do, so find a way to give.
* Be patient. Yesterday we went out to lunch and the restaurant was packed, they were short on servers, and overall it was a freaking long wait. It would have been easy to get frustrated or mad, especially when they completely forgot our appetizer. But instead we smiled, told the waitress we understood, and just made the best of the wait by coloring. Situations are always going to come up that are going to be annoying and you are going to have to wait. Life is a lot better and you will feel more relaxed if you just go with the flow, put a smile on your face, and refer back to that whole saying "thank you," thing when you finally are helped.
* Reduce. Reuse. Recycle. We have been trying to cut back on the things we buy in packages. And you'd be amazed at what containers a 2 year old finds fascinating (um, cardboard tubes are like his favorite thing right now). And Squirt always watches when we take recycling and sort it and as he gets older, this will become one of his jobs.
* Cut back. This is a really, Really, REALLY hard one for me. I hate the commercialism of society and that constant quest for the newest/bestest thing. I've mentioned before that we are Dave Ramsey converts and I really want Squirt to know that if you can't afford it, you don't get it. If it isn't worth working for and saving for, you really don't want it.
* Use less resources. It is strange how much more focused I have become on using "green" cleaners, serving meatless meals, and the like since becoming a parent. I still feel a lot of guilt that Squirt didn't last longer in cloth diapers and I get sick to my stomach when I think of how many dirty diapers I have sent to landfills.
* Everyone is unique and deserves to be treated with respect. I feel ashamed at the ways that I have judged others and am trying so hard to correct those first impression thoughts. Considering that Spud will look "different," I think it is going to be uber critical to teach my kids that looks/abilities are not reasons to judge someone. You treat them with kindness and get to know them. Then if you learn they have an ugly heart, you just smile and nod and move on. This one has been especially hard since there are several people in my life that annoy me, but that I can't get rid of. I'm trying so hard to balance teaching Squirt that you don't have to like everyone, but you can't be mean either.
How have your kids made you a better person? What values are you hoping to instill in them?
One thing that really sticks out in my mind is that I am trying to be more civic minded and earth friendly. I'm certainly not great at either one of these things, but I'm trying for the kiddos sake. We can read all the books in the library about helping others and taking care of the planet, but if I don't do it, I think it will be a lot harder for them to learn the lesson.
I admire my friends that are super involved in local politics or that eat only vegan foods. They really do inspire me and part of me thinks Squirt would be a better person in the long run if they were his parents. But he is stuck with me, and I'm imperfect, so we just attempt to do the best we can.
Things that I am trying to teach Squirt:
* Always say "thank you." Those 2 words go farther than any others I can think of. Even if you forgot "please," you can rebound with a "thank you."
* Give to others. Maybe it is a dollar to someone on the corner; maybe food to the pantry on base; maybe it is to a cause you believe in. At the end of the day, someone needs it more than you do, so find a way to give.
* Be patient. Yesterday we went out to lunch and the restaurant was packed, they were short on servers, and overall it was a freaking long wait. It would have been easy to get frustrated or mad, especially when they completely forgot our appetizer. But instead we smiled, told the waitress we understood, and just made the best of the wait by coloring. Situations are always going to come up that are going to be annoying and you are going to have to wait. Life is a lot better and you will feel more relaxed if you just go with the flow, put a smile on your face, and refer back to that whole saying "thank you," thing when you finally are helped.
* Reduce. Reuse. Recycle. We have been trying to cut back on the things we buy in packages. And you'd be amazed at what containers a 2 year old finds fascinating (um, cardboard tubes are like his favorite thing right now). And Squirt always watches when we take recycling and sort it and as he gets older, this will become one of his jobs.
* Cut back. This is a really, Really, REALLY hard one for me. I hate the commercialism of society and that constant quest for the newest/bestest thing. I've mentioned before that we are Dave Ramsey converts and I really want Squirt to know that if you can't afford it, you don't get it. If it isn't worth working for and saving for, you really don't want it.
* Use less resources. It is strange how much more focused I have become on using "green" cleaners, serving meatless meals, and the like since becoming a parent. I still feel a lot of guilt that Squirt didn't last longer in cloth diapers and I get sick to my stomach when I think of how many dirty diapers I have sent to landfills.
* Everyone is unique and deserves to be treated with respect. I feel ashamed at the ways that I have judged others and am trying so hard to correct those first impression thoughts. Considering that Spud will look "different," I think it is going to be uber critical to teach my kids that looks/abilities are not reasons to judge someone. You treat them with kindness and get to know them. Then if you learn they have an ugly heart, you just smile and nod and move on. This one has been especially hard since there are several people in my life that annoy me, but that I can't get rid of. I'm trying so hard to balance teaching Squirt that you don't have to like everyone, but you can't be mean either.
How have your kids made you a better person? What values are you hoping to instill in them?
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Nesting
Squirt was born 5 weeks early, so I never really hit the nesting phase with him. My bff, J, who was my labor coach since Squishy was supposed to be in Iraq, used to freak out every time I mentioned I had cleaned something (confession: I kinda sorta hate housecleaning. While my house is never filthy, it is never going to be one of those super clean homes).
With the timeline for Spud being so up in the air, I find myself in this constant state of preparation. Between the usual work required for my family, which I'll get to in a minute, I've got the compulsive urge to purge and straighten and organize. I am convinced that if I can just get everything simplified, I will have a much better time keeping up when I suddenly have a new baby.
Things were a bit easier when it was just Squishy and I. We both worked, so it seemed natural to split the workload. We ate out quite a bit, since we had the money and no real motivation to be healthy. There was less laundry, less dishes, and less clutter (kids have A LOT of stuff).
I thought that when I quit my job to do the stay at home mom thing, I would have plenty of time to get everything done. Heck, I had all day, right? WRONG! Being a stay at home parent is a study in time management, and I constantly feel like I'm failing. For those of you with kiddos, I'm sure you can agree that trying to get ANYTHING done with a toddler around is about near impossible. And if you do manage to get something done, it takes about 3 times as long. And don't even get me started on the whole "keep them occupied in one room, while you clean another room" thing... all that results in is one room that is mostly clean and another room that is destroyed. Plus, being home all day equals just more clutter.
Because I don't "work" I feel this responsibility to take on a larger portion of the chores. But between planning, shopping for, cooking, serving, and cleaning up after 3 meals a day; an endless pile of laundry (Squishy goes through 3 outfits a day... workout clothes, uniform, civilian clothes); and keeping everything in order for the daycare... I am EXHAUSTED!
I try really hard to get the house in order every night before bed, with the hopes that I can get up and work out in the morning. But it seems that each morning the alarm goes off and I'm confronted with dishes in the sink or a floor to sweep. It never ends.
While I really love being with Squirt all day and I know that it is a benefit for him, part of me sometimes feels like I'm not doing enough. I had started on my EdD, but after 4 classes, I stopped, feeling overwhelmed and wondering if I was spending all the money/time for nothing. I need a hobby.
Being the forever student that I am, I have started looking at websites/books with tips/tricks on organization and cleaning. I can't be the only one that is burdened by this problem and there has to be a solution.
***
Meanwhile, on the Spud front, we had a bit of a nervous moment last week. I have depression; it is under control and in all honesty, I think because I'm on meds/know when to get myself to a therapist/have purposely learned how to handle life stress, I'm more well-balanced then most people. I generally try to be a happy and upbeat person, I count my blessings, and I recognize that life challenges are just that: challenges, not the end of the world.
Anywho, we got an e-mail from the social worker about our homestudy that she needed more info about my depression, including a letter from my shrink saying I could handle another kiddo and a message from Squishy about how he feels about my depression/whether he notices the signs/what he does to help.
I freaked out a little. Would we fail our homestudy and not be able to adopt because I have depression? I let myself worry a little bit and then I reminded myself of what my therapist always tells me, "worry is a wasted emotion." If something is going to happen, it is going to occur whether you stress out or not. Far better to just wait until it does happen and deal with it then. So I told Squishy that if we were denied, we were going to take the money we have saved for Spud and go on a 30 day cruise of the south pacific.
A few days later my therapist called and said she had no problem writing the note. "If anyone can handle another child, it is you." Aww. I really like my therapist and if I hadn't met her for counseling, I think she and I would be very good friends.
So she sent the e-mail to the social worker who sent us the rough draft of our approved home study. We made a few changes (just spelling stuff mostly) and e-mailed it back late Thursday night. On Friday we heard back that she would be sending the approved homestudy to our agency probably this coming Tuesday. It will take them a few days to process, then we will mail them the check and contract, and then we will be active. Mid-August, just as I had planned!
***
With my nesting and all the questions about Spud (boy or girl? what age? when?), I'm trying to figure out what we will need and when.
We plan to co-sleep for the first few months, or at least have Spud in our room in a pack 'n play. We haven't decided if the kiddos will share a room or not. If they do, we will buy Squirt a twin bed and make his current bed back into Spud's crib. If they aren't sharing a room, Squirt will move into our now guest room with the full sized bed and Spud will stay in the nursery. We've got both an infant car seat and an extra convertible car seat, so we are set on that front. We've got plenty of clothes for any size, we will just need to sell the boy stuff for more girly stuff if Spud ends up being a Zoe, rather than a Zac. Depending on age, we will need bottles. We've got cloth diapers that I used briefly for Squirt. We still have the playmat, the bumbo, boppy, and bathtub from Squirt. We have a double stroller and a regular stroller. We've got books and toys. Is there anything else that you can think of that we *need* if Spud is a newborn? an 18 month old? a girl? a boy?
***
Okay, back to my nesting. Trying to get the house cleaned up for another week of daycare. Plus, we leave on vacation Thursday afternoon/Friday morning, so I need to start gathering everything for that.
Thanks for letting me verbally vomit at you. Hope you all are well.
With the timeline for Spud being so up in the air, I find myself in this constant state of preparation. Between the usual work required for my family, which I'll get to in a minute, I've got the compulsive urge to purge and straighten and organize. I am convinced that if I can just get everything simplified, I will have a much better time keeping up when I suddenly have a new baby.
Things were a bit easier when it was just Squishy and I. We both worked, so it seemed natural to split the workload. We ate out quite a bit, since we had the money and no real motivation to be healthy. There was less laundry, less dishes, and less clutter (kids have A LOT of stuff).
I thought that when I quit my job to do the stay at home mom thing, I would have plenty of time to get everything done. Heck, I had all day, right? WRONG! Being a stay at home parent is a study in time management, and I constantly feel like I'm failing. For those of you with kiddos, I'm sure you can agree that trying to get ANYTHING done with a toddler around is about near impossible. And if you do manage to get something done, it takes about 3 times as long. And don't even get me started on the whole "keep them occupied in one room, while you clean another room" thing... all that results in is one room that is mostly clean and another room that is destroyed. Plus, being home all day equals just more clutter.
Because I don't "work" I feel this responsibility to take on a larger portion of the chores. But between planning, shopping for, cooking, serving, and cleaning up after 3 meals a day; an endless pile of laundry (Squishy goes through 3 outfits a day... workout clothes, uniform, civilian clothes); and keeping everything in order for the daycare... I am EXHAUSTED!
I try really hard to get the house in order every night before bed, with the hopes that I can get up and work out in the morning. But it seems that each morning the alarm goes off and I'm confronted with dishes in the sink or a floor to sweep. It never ends.
While I really love being with Squirt all day and I know that it is a benefit for him, part of me sometimes feels like I'm not doing enough. I had started on my EdD, but after 4 classes, I stopped, feeling overwhelmed and wondering if I was spending all the money/time for nothing. I need a hobby.
Being the forever student that I am, I have started looking at websites/books with tips/tricks on organization and cleaning. I can't be the only one that is burdened by this problem and there has to be a solution.
***
Meanwhile, on the Spud front, we had a bit of a nervous moment last week. I have depression; it is under control and in all honesty, I think because I'm on meds/know when to get myself to a therapist/have purposely learned how to handle life stress, I'm more well-balanced then most people. I generally try to be a happy and upbeat person, I count my blessings, and I recognize that life challenges are just that: challenges, not the end of the world.
Anywho, we got an e-mail from the social worker about our homestudy that she needed more info about my depression, including a letter from my shrink saying I could handle another kiddo and a message from Squishy about how he feels about my depression/whether he notices the signs/what he does to help.
I freaked out a little. Would we fail our homestudy and not be able to adopt because I have depression? I let myself worry a little bit and then I reminded myself of what my therapist always tells me, "worry is a wasted emotion." If something is going to happen, it is going to occur whether you stress out or not. Far better to just wait until it does happen and deal with it then. So I told Squishy that if we were denied, we were going to take the money we have saved for Spud and go on a 30 day cruise of the south pacific.
A few days later my therapist called and said she had no problem writing the note. "If anyone can handle another child, it is you." Aww. I really like my therapist and if I hadn't met her for counseling, I think she and I would be very good friends.
So she sent the e-mail to the social worker who sent us the rough draft of our approved home study. We made a few changes (just spelling stuff mostly) and e-mailed it back late Thursday night. On Friday we heard back that she would be sending the approved homestudy to our agency probably this coming Tuesday. It will take them a few days to process, then we will mail them the check and contract, and then we will be active. Mid-August, just as I had planned!
***
With my nesting and all the questions about Spud (boy or girl? what age? when?), I'm trying to figure out what we will need and when.
We plan to co-sleep for the first few months, or at least have Spud in our room in a pack 'n play. We haven't decided if the kiddos will share a room or not. If they do, we will buy Squirt a twin bed and make his current bed back into Spud's crib. If they aren't sharing a room, Squirt will move into our now guest room with the full sized bed and Spud will stay in the nursery. We've got both an infant car seat and an extra convertible car seat, so we are set on that front. We've got plenty of clothes for any size, we will just need to sell the boy stuff for more girly stuff if Spud ends up being a Zoe, rather than a Zac. Depending on age, we will need bottles. We've got cloth diapers that I used briefly for Squirt. We still have the playmat, the bumbo, boppy, and bathtub from Squirt. We have a double stroller and a regular stroller. We've got books and toys. Is there anything else that you can think of that we *need* if Spud is a newborn? an 18 month old? a girl? a boy?
***
Okay, back to my nesting. Trying to get the house cleaned up for another week of daycare. Plus, we leave on vacation Thursday afternoon/Friday morning, so I need to start gathering everything for that.
Thanks for letting me verbally vomit at you. Hope you all are well.
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