Hmmm...not really sure I feel inspired by this topic.
I've never done drugs. Couple reasons: I am totally that girl that was always paranoid about getting caught and just knew that the one time I took the risk, I'd be thrown in jail and be the one the judge wanted to make an example out of. Pair that with the look on my mother's face, and totally not worth whatever impact the drug was supposed to have. Next, I have an addictive personality and tend to get attached to things (especially bad for me things) wayyyy too easily.
If you smoke pot, that is your choice, but I try very hard not to be in a car or home where I know illegal drugs are present. I'm not in any place to personally pass judgement on your decisions, but at the end of the day, the law says it is wrong.
I'll even go as far as to say that I think the government would be better legalizing marijuana, but it hasn't, so it is still illegal.
I do drink and have since about a week before I turned 18. These days I rarely drink because I just don't much understand the point. I am on medication that makes drinking a bad idea. It is a lot of excess calories that my hips don't need. And being a mom, the consequences of drinking really aren't worth it; I mean taking care of a 2 year old is exhausting enough on my best days... sleep deprived with a hangover would just be yucky.
When I do drink, I like girly drinks... pina coladas, mudslides. I will drink the occasional margarita, but tequila and I are not really friends. I'll have a beer or glass of wine, but they don't really taste good to me, so for the most part I just use those two beverages for cooking.
And that's your extremely blah post for today.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Day 2: Where I'd Like to be in 10 Years
By 2022 our lives will look very different, if only because Squishy will most likely have just retired from the military. We will be able to live where we want! No more deployments!
Right now I do the stay at home mom thing, but I told Squishy that when he retires, I will go back to work if he wants to take a few years off and stay home with the kids.
Honestly, I don't really see much of my day-to-day life changing until that time, when I have more time to pursue my own education and possibly re-examine the career thing. I'd like to get back in school, but I'm not exactly sure in what field. I had started my doctorate, but that is A LOT of commitment if I don't really plan to do anything with it. Truth be told, now that I am typing it out, I think I would like to be a substitute teacher again. It gets me into the classroom, which I love, but still gives me the freedom to travel, be home with my family when I want, and do that sort of thing.
In 10 years I'll be 40. Wow! That is painful to type. It wasn't too long ago that 30 seemed ridiculously old, so the idea that in a blink of an eye I'll be 40 is a hard pill to swallow. Hopefully at 40 I will look amazing. Isn't that every one's dream? I'd love to be the 40 year old that all of Squishy's friends think is 27!
In 10 years, Squirt will be 12. Now that is hard to wrap my brain around! And hopefully, we will have another kiddo too. If it is still going well, they will be being homeschooled.
I guess the bottom line is that I am really happy with my life right now. The majority of my time is spent doing what I love with my friends and family. I hope that doesn't change and only improves over the next 10 years.
Right now I do the stay at home mom thing, but I told Squishy that when he retires, I will go back to work if he wants to take a few years off and stay home with the kids.
Honestly, I don't really see much of my day-to-day life changing until that time, when I have more time to pursue my own education and possibly re-examine the career thing. I'd like to get back in school, but I'm not exactly sure in what field. I had started my doctorate, but that is A LOT of commitment if I don't really plan to do anything with it. Truth be told, now that I am typing it out, I think I would like to be a substitute teacher again. It gets me into the classroom, which I love, but still gives me the freedom to travel, be home with my family when I want, and do that sort of thing.
In 10 years I'll be 40. Wow! That is painful to type. It wasn't too long ago that 30 seemed ridiculously old, so the idea that in a blink of an eye I'll be 40 is a hard pill to swallow. Hopefully at 40 I will look amazing. Isn't that every one's dream? I'd love to be the 40 year old that all of Squishy's friends think is 27!
In 10 years, Squirt will be 12. Now that is hard to wrap my brain around! And hopefully, we will have another kiddo too. If it is still going well, they will be being homeschooled.
I guess the bottom line is that I am really happy with my life right now. The majority of my time is spent doing what I love with my friends and family. I hope that doesn't change and only improves over the next 10 years.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Blog Challenge/Day 1/Current Relationship
I need to start writing again, and I figured this was a good way to start.
My current relationship is the theme for today.
Squishy and I met in August of 2003, on an internet dating site. I had just moved to Missouri for grad school and he'd been there for a few months with the military. We had our first date in September, were engaged the following June, moved in together in August, and married October 9, 2004.
Depending on the characteristics you want to talk about, we are either completely different or very much the same. Our core values are pretty much the same, which is what makes our family so strong. As far as how we see the world, what motivates us, and how we spend our time, we are like night and day. In the early parts of our relationship, and occasionally to this day, that can be a big challenge to overcome. Yet, I think most days we realize that our differences balance us out and that together we are FAR better than we are individually.
Squishy is incredibly smart (like just tried out for Jeopardy smart) and has a near photographic memory. The way his brain works is just so dang sexy to me and leaves me in awe. He is also incredibly brave (anyone who has served 4 tours overseas has to be) and has an amazing sense of patriotism.
The thing that I love most about our relationship is that we really are best friends. It sounds cliche, but it is true. If our marriage ever ended, I still think we'd be there for each other for all the good and bad.
The older I get, and the longer I've been married, the more I see that most days of marriage are pretty routine. Go to work, clean house, take care of the kids. Some days however are the darkest levels of hell you can imagine, and it is then when you need each other the most. And then some days, all the stars align and you get to experience a joy that is beyond your wildest dreams, and it is all thanks to the hard work you two have put in previously.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Happy One Month Birthday!
A few posts ago, I copied a quote from Elizabeth Edwards about losing someone. She said it isn't just about missing the individual, but the loss of all those hopes & dreams you had for them.
Truth is, I didn't get to know Zac for very long. He was only 10 days old when we handed him back, and he'd only really been with us for 8 of those days. So the things I miss about him are limited, but the hopes and dreams I had for him are a lot more powerful.
I wish that today we were taking his one month pictures and posting them on facebook so that Aunt Katie could make a collage of the babies 1 month pics.
I wonder if he has outgrown his newborn clothes yet. He was sooo tiny that I could imagine him still wearing those first outfits.
Happy One Month Birthday Baby Boy!
Truth is, I didn't get to know Zac for very long. He was only 10 days old when we handed him back, and he'd only really been with us for 8 of those days. So the things I miss about him are limited, but the hopes and dreams I had for him are a lot more powerful.
I wish that today we were taking his one month pictures and posting them on facebook so that Aunt Katie could make a collage of the babies 1 month pics.
I wonder if he has outgrown his newborn clothes yet. He was sooo tiny that I could imagine him still wearing those first outfits.
Happy One Month Birthday Baby Boy!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Looking Forward
I am not a spontaneous person. Two main reasons: I'm not genetically wired to be spontaneous AND Every time I do something spontaneous it ends up being expensive, stupid, and kinda stressful.
By nature, I am a planner. During Squishy's first two deployments, we spent the entire time apart planning dream vacations. Where to go? What to do? How to pay for it? When to go? The two trips we ended up taking in 2008 and 2009 were amazing, but by the time they actually arrived, I needed the vacation just to unwind from all the planning!
So the last few weeks have been, um, stressful. Last week I was checking out a local organization's on-line fundraising auction and stumbled upon a cruise package. A few clicks later, I had bid on the cruise. I didn't research it, I didn't run it by Squishy.. nothing, I just bid.
And then I spent a few days stressing because I didn't research, I didn't run it by Squishy... nothing. EEK!
I kept hoping that someone would outbid me and relieve my guilt, but that didn't happen. So Sunday morning, I had to confess to Squishy "hey, I spent some money" and "we are going on a cruise!"
God bless my husband, he wasn't mad at me at all. Truth be told, I think we both just need something non-adoption related to get excited about. And everything was planned for us... the dates, the departure city, the ports of call, even the cabin type. And since we already have our passports, basically we just need to throw some swimsuits in a bag and show up for 7 days of relaxation. And if he hadn't already been sold, he was def okay with it after I mentioned that one of the optional shore excursions is "horsebacking to Mayan ruins."
While we could have taken Squirt with us, an amazing family here in town, has agreed to take our child. He'll get his turn next year when we are planning a Disney cruise with our best friends. So for 7 days it will just be the hubby and I. We can have romantic meals by candlelight, stay up late at the karaoke bar, sleep in late, spend our days reading by the pool. And there is so much to do on the ship that I can't wait to try... a 2 story mini-golf course and waterslides! Plus, our last cruise had all sorts of great shows, a casino, and a spa. I'm so tempted to get a job a few nights a week just to pay for all the fun extra stuff.
So in 7 1/2 months I'm going on a cruise!!! It is still a long ways off, but I'm so excited, I just keep bouncing up and down and smiling when I think about it.
My main goal between now and then is to lose some weight. I had Squishy take some before photos of me yesterday and I promise, no one wants to see that in a bathing suit! I promise to post the before pics in a few months, when I also have some more encouraging AFTER pics to go with. ;) Is anyone else on the weight loss quest? If you live nearby, I'm always looking for a walking buddy. And if you don't live nearby, I'm always up for exchanging food journal e-mails or text messaging encouragement!
***
In adoption news, we got an e-mail yesterday that we have been pre-approved by a different agency. They require us to attend an all-day info session and then buy an application. The whole idea of switching agencies really makes me sick, because I feel like it says that I screwed up by picking our first agency. But overall, I really like our first agency.
If you have never looked into adoption, there are about a bazillion different ways that you can adopt a child from open adoption to international to foster care. After sorting through that, you need to figure out if you want to go through an agency or a lawyer. And then each agency has their own rules/time lines/ways of doing things.
For example, if we had gone with this new agency to begin with, they apparently have a lot longer wait for African American babies (the e-mail I got yesterday says up to 2 years!). Also, they do open adoptions, but would never have let it start out as open as we were with Zac's parents (no exchanging numbers in the beginning and so forth). And they apparently won't release a baby to the adoptive parents until the paperwork is signed, meaning in our case, Zac would have gone to foster care.
Overall, it sounds like this second agency is a lot more Adoptive Parent friendly, but I'm just not sure if watching out for us is the best thing for Spud 2.0.
And it might be laziness on my part, but I'm not sure I want to start all over reading another agencies manuals, learning their system, and creating another profile.
I was ready to reactivate right away and get our profile back out their for birth mom's, but Squishy needed more time, which I completely understood. The problem is, the longer we are inactive and not doing anything, the longer my brain has to question everything, and that's never a good thing.
***
In other news, Squirt and I joined "MOPS" (Mothers of Preschoolers) yesterday. I had never heard of this group until I moved to Texas and a girlfriend (Love you KP!) and I went out for coffee and spotted a group and she described them to me. Back then, I was kid free and the children seemed like holy terrors and I was a bit judgemental. Now that I have my own child, I realize the absolute need for parents (especially stay at home parents) to have a few minutes of adult time. So off to MOPS we went.
At first Squirt was not happy with me leaving him in a room full of strange kids and 2 unknown caregivers, but a few minutes in, he was absolutely fine. Squirt is a lot like me... in a small group, he is very personable and all smiles. In a crowd, he just gets overwhelmed and would much rather leave and miss out on the fun than have to deal with a bunch of people in his face.
While he was in the kids room playing (when I picked him up, there were toys everywhere, Veggie Tales on a tv, and one of the adults was leading a round of "head, shoulders, knees and toes"), I got adult time. I knew I would enjoy myself when I walked in and saw a Keurig set up (caffeine makes everything better). I chatted with some new folks, played a few games (one of which scored me a new novel), and listened to a few guest speakers talk about photography and dealing with change.
The group meets twice a month during the school year and is exceptionally cheap to participate in because it is a military MOPS group. For my fellow mommy friends that might be interested in joining MOPS near them, I do feel the need to point out that it is a Christian organization, so there was some prayers and Bible quotes, but nothing that I found too preachy.
By nature, I am a planner. During Squishy's first two deployments, we spent the entire time apart planning dream vacations. Where to go? What to do? How to pay for it? When to go? The two trips we ended up taking in 2008 and 2009 were amazing, but by the time they actually arrived, I needed the vacation just to unwind from all the planning!
So the last few weeks have been, um, stressful. Last week I was checking out a local organization's on-line fundraising auction and stumbled upon a cruise package. A few clicks later, I had bid on the cruise. I didn't research it, I didn't run it by Squishy.. nothing, I just bid.
And then I spent a few days stressing because I didn't research, I didn't run it by Squishy... nothing. EEK!
I kept hoping that someone would outbid me and relieve my guilt, but that didn't happen. So Sunday morning, I had to confess to Squishy "hey, I spent some money" and "we are going on a cruise!"
God bless my husband, he wasn't mad at me at all. Truth be told, I think we both just need something non-adoption related to get excited about. And everything was planned for us... the dates, the departure city, the ports of call, even the cabin type. And since we already have our passports, basically we just need to throw some swimsuits in a bag and show up for 7 days of relaxation. And if he hadn't already been sold, he was def okay with it after I mentioned that one of the optional shore excursions is "horsebacking to Mayan ruins."
While we could have taken Squirt with us, an amazing family here in town, has agreed to take our child. He'll get his turn next year when we are planning a Disney cruise with our best friends. So for 7 days it will just be the hubby and I. We can have romantic meals by candlelight, stay up late at the karaoke bar, sleep in late, spend our days reading by the pool. And there is so much to do on the ship that I can't wait to try... a 2 story mini-golf course and waterslides! Plus, our last cruise had all sorts of great shows, a casino, and a spa. I'm so tempted to get a job a few nights a week just to pay for all the fun extra stuff.
So in 7 1/2 months I'm going on a cruise!!! It is still a long ways off, but I'm so excited, I just keep bouncing up and down and smiling when I think about it.
My main goal between now and then is to lose some weight. I had Squishy take some before photos of me yesterday and I promise, no one wants to see that in a bathing suit! I promise to post the before pics in a few months, when I also have some more encouraging AFTER pics to go with. ;) Is anyone else on the weight loss quest? If you live nearby, I'm always looking for a walking buddy. And if you don't live nearby, I'm always up for exchanging food journal e-mails or text messaging encouragement!
***
In adoption news, we got an e-mail yesterday that we have been pre-approved by a different agency. They require us to attend an all-day info session and then buy an application. The whole idea of switching agencies really makes me sick, because I feel like it says that I screwed up by picking our first agency. But overall, I really like our first agency.
If you have never looked into adoption, there are about a bazillion different ways that you can adopt a child from open adoption to international to foster care. After sorting through that, you need to figure out if you want to go through an agency or a lawyer. And then each agency has their own rules/time lines/ways of doing things.
For example, if we had gone with this new agency to begin with, they apparently have a lot longer wait for African American babies (the e-mail I got yesterday says up to 2 years!). Also, they do open adoptions, but would never have let it start out as open as we were with Zac's parents (no exchanging numbers in the beginning and so forth). And they apparently won't release a baby to the adoptive parents until the paperwork is signed, meaning in our case, Zac would have gone to foster care.
Overall, it sounds like this second agency is a lot more Adoptive Parent friendly, but I'm just not sure if watching out for us is the best thing for Spud 2.0.
And it might be laziness on my part, but I'm not sure I want to start all over reading another agencies manuals, learning their system, and creating another profile.
I was ready to reactivate right away and get our profile back out their for birth mom's, but Squishy needed more time, which I completely understood. The problem is, the longer we are inactive and not doing anything, the longer my brain has to question everything, and that's never a good thing.
***
In other news, Squirt and I joined "MOPS" (Mothers of Preschoolers) yesterday. I had never heard of this group until I moved to Texas and a girlfriend (Love you KP!) and I went out for coffee and spotted a group and she described them to me. Back then, I was kid free and the children seemed like holy terrors and I was a bit judgemental. Now that I have my own child, I realize the absolute need for parents (especially stay at home parents) to have a few minutes of adult time. So off to MOPS we went.
At first Squirt was not happy with me leaving him in a room full of strange kids and 2 unknown caregivers, but a few minutes in, he was absolutely fine. Squirt is a lot like me... in a small group, he is very personable and all smiles. In a crowd, he just gets overwhelmed and would much rather leave and miss out on the fun than have to deal with a bunch of people in his face.
While he was in the kids room playing (when I picked him up, there were toys everywhere, Veggie Tales on a tv, and one of the adults was leading a round of "head, shoulders, knees and toes"), I got adult time. I knew I would enjoy myself when I walked in and saw a Keurig set up (caffeine makes everything better). I chatted with some new folks, played a few games (one of which scored me a new novel), and listened to a few guest speakers talk about photography and dealing with change.
The group meets twice a month during the school year and is exceptionally cheap to participate in because it is a military MOPS group. For my fellow mommy friends that might be interested in joining MOPS near them, I do feel the need to point out that it is a Christian organization, so there was some prayers and Bible quotes, but nothing that I found too preachy.
Monday, January 23, 2012
4 Weeks
4 weeks ago this morning I met Zac. We (mostly Squishy) had driven all night and arrived at the hospital shortly before 5am. Zac was just 8 hours old and sooooo tiny.
It is still hard to accept what happened. None of it makes sense, and I imagine never will. Most of the time, I am a fighter, I make a plan and go after what I want. And in most things, if I work really hard, I don't fail. So there is an extra layer of bad feelings, knowing that no matter what I do, I am most likely never going to see my baby again.
Squishy hates the expression "everything happens for a reason," but most of my life I have clung to it for comfort. I don't necessarily think that bad stuff happens on purpose so that something better will come along, but I think that when bad stuff happens, we are given an opportunity to grow. I hate, Hate, HATE that I'm not rocking my baby right now, but I have to believe that I am going to come out of this experience a better human being. I have to believe that this hurt isn't just for nothing. I need to learn from this, grow from this, and more appreciate the gifts I am given.
Whenever I get a chance, I go walking with one of my dear friends. We walk and talk, and I swear, it is the best therapy I have ever had. I am so in awe of this woman, who has truly become a sister to me, and after each meeting with her, I find myself forced to thank the universe for connecting us. Life is hard and life is sucky, but damn I drew a good hand when it came to being surrounded by family and friends. All I can hope is that when I "grow up," I am able to take the love and support I have been given and shine that light on to those around me.
Being 30 has been the best year of my life emotionally. Yes, there have been hard things, but for the first time in my life, I feel comfortable in my skin. I feel unafraid of being myself, with all my warts, and scars. And I'm emotionally strong enough to cut ties with people that bring me down. Life is too short to be surrounded by anything less than the best. I don't want to play "the game," anymore... I don't want to smile and nod and go along with the popular opinion. I want to follow my heart.
I have so many wonderful people in my life and I'm never sure how to thank them enough. My biological family is amazing and crazy and I love them to pieces. My in-laws defy every in-law stereo-type there is. And my friends are just so important to me. I want to list everyone that I am thankful for here, but I feel it would be an extremely long list and an invasion of their privacy. But please, Please, PLEASE know that I am in awe of you.
Squirt is so lucky to be being raised in this community of love and support and I know that when Spud 2.0 finally joins us, they will be just as lucky to have so many fans.
Feeling blessed and finding the rainbows among the clouds,
Sunny
It is still hard to accept what happened. None of it makes sense, and I imagine never will. Most of the time, I am a fighter, I make a plan and go after what I want. And in most things, if I work really hard, I don't fail. So there is an extra layer of bad feelings, knowing that no matter what I do, I am most likely never going to see my baby again.
Squishy hates the expression "everything happens for a reason," but most of my life I have clung to it for comfort. I don't necessarily think that bad stuff happens on purpose so that something better will come along, but I think that when bad stuff happens, we are given an opportunity to grow. I hate, Hate, HATE that I'm not rocking my baby right now, but I have to believe that I am going to come out of this experience a better human being. I have to believe that this hurt isn't just for nothing. I need to learn from this, grow from this, and more appreciate the gifts I am given.
Whenever I get a chance, I go walking with one of my dear friends. We walk and talk, and I swear, it is the best therapy I have ever had. I am so in awe of this woman, who has truly become a sister to me, and after each meeting with her, I find myself forced to thank the universe for connecting us. Life is hard and life is sucky, but damn I drew a good hand when it came to being surrounded by family and friends. All I can hope is that when I "grow up," I am able to take the love and support I have been given and shine that light on to those around me.
Being 30 has been the best year of my life emotionally. Yes, there have been hard things, but for the first time in my life, I feel comfortable in my skin. I feel unafraid of being myself, with all my warts, and scars. And I'm emotionally strong enough to cut ties with people that bring me down. Life is too short to be surrounded by anything less than the best. I don't want to play "the game," anymore... I don't want to smile and nod and go along with the popular opinion. I want to follow my heart.
I have so many wonderful people in my life and I'm never sure how to thank them enough. My biological family is amazing and crazy and I love them to pieces. My in-laws defy every in-law stereo-type there is. And my friends are just so important to me. I want to list everyone that I am thankful for here, but I feel it would be an extremely long list and an invasion of their privacy. But please, Please, PLEASE know that I am in awe of you.
Squirt is so lucky to be being raised in this community of love and support and I know that when Spud 2.0 finally joins us, they will be just as lucky to have so many fans.
Feeling blessed and finding the rainbows among the clouds,
Sunny
Thursday, January 19, 2012
I Cried This Morning
In the fall I had a small at-home daycare business. I got to know some amazing kids and their families. But boy was it A LOT of work!
Two of my kiddos were twins, A & I. I had them some mornings and after school. I'd be lying if I said I didn't fall head over heels in love with them. First off, they are just gorgeous little boys... A has blue eyes that melt your heart. And talk about sweet kids... the smiles when they saw me each day, the hugs... oh! pure love!
A & I, and several of my other daycare kiddos, were with me on November 3, when I got the call about Zac. I was so giddy excited and tried to explain as best I could to 4 year olds that I was having a baby.
Squishy and I spent a lot of time wondering what Zac would look like and often hoped that he would be half as cute as A or I.
One of my big concerns about raising a biracial baby was hair care. I know that sounds silly, but I've been exposed to enough black hair to know that it needs to be cared for differently, but I'm pretty clueless as to how.
This morning I got to watch the boys for a little while and take them to school. I hadn't realized how much I had missed them until they were curled up on my couch. I noticed that A's hair is getting long and curly, which I hadn't seen before.
As they sat watching cartoons, I sat behind them at the table and silently cried for Zac. I was so excited to have A & I in Zac's life as role-models and I know by watching how they interact with Squirt that they would have loved Zac and taken great care of him. And it just broke my heart that Zac is missing out on knowing these two great little boys.
***
Last night Squishy and I were talking about trying this whole thing again.
The idea of doing another open adoption scares the bejesus out of me. But I still believe that having a relationship with the birth parents is best for Spud 2.0. I can't let me fear of getting hurt again prevent me from doing what I think is best for my child. So, while we will most likely be very cautious the next go round, I really think we will still approach adoption the same way we did with Zac.
I just keep telling myself that while the ending completely sucked, I feel like I did everything right when it came to Zac. I was open and honest with his birth mom and gave my heart because that's what was best for him. If he was home with us now, I'd want her to be able to text to check in when she needed to.
I am still so mad about how it ended, but I don't have regrets.
Two of my kiddos were twins, A & I. I had them some mornings and after school. I'd be lying if I said I didn't fall head over heels in love with them. First off, they are just gorgeous little boys... A has blue eyes that melt your heart. And talk about sweet kids... the smiles when they saw me each day, the hugs... oh! pure love!
A & I, and several of my other daycare kiddos, were with me on November 3, when I got the call about Zac. I was so giddy excited and tried to explain as best I could to 4 year olds that I was having a baby.
Squishy and I spent a lot of time wondering what Zac would look like and often hoped that he would be half as cute as A or I.
One of my big concerns about raising a biracial baby was hair care. I know that sounds silly, but I've been exposed to enough black hair to know that it needs to be cared for differently, but I'm pretty clueless as to how.
This morning I got to watch the boys for a little while and take them to school. I hadn't realized how much I had missed them until they were curled up on my couch. I noticed that A's hair is getting long and curly, which I hadn't seen before.
As they sat watching cartoons, I sat behind them at the table and silently cried for Zac. I was so excited to have A & I in Zac's life as role-models and I know by watching how they interact with Squirt that they would have loved Zac and taken great care of him. And it just broke my heart that Zac is missing out on knowing these two great little boys.
***
Last night Squishy and I were talking about trying this whole thing again.
The idea of doing another open adoption scares the bejesus out of me. But I still believe that having a relationship with the birth parents is best for Spud 2.0. I can't let me fear of getting hurt again prevent me from doing what I think is best for my child. So, while we will most likely be very cautious the next go round, I really think we will still approach adoption the same way we did with Zac.
I just keep telling myself that while the ending completely sucked, I feel like I did everything right when it came to Zac. I was open and honest with his birth mom and gave my heart because that's what was best for him. If he was home with us now, I'd want her to be able to text to check in when she needed to.
I am still so mad about how it ended, but I don't have regrets.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
From "Saving Graces" by Elizabeth Edwards
I have a lot of respect for Elizabeth Edwards. She handled her cancer with such dignity and I think acted with amazing grace when her husband turned out to be a lying, cheating, scum.
In December I got a copy of her book, "Saving Graces" through paperbackswap.com (if you haven't discovered this fantastic site, I recommend it). I started reading it, but didn't really give it much thought with all the craziness of Zac coming.
I picked it up again the other night, remembering that she lost her son, Wade, when he was 16. The chapters dealing with his death are profound and moving. Her words humble me.
The following is a message she wrote to a woman grieving the loss of her fiance. For some reason they really touched me and seemed like Elizabeth was speaking directly to me. I wanted to share them, since they brought me some comfort.
Grief is a long process of untangling ourselves from the physical reality of the person and from our expectations of our future with them. You will not, I imagine, decide one day that it is time, that you are ready, and then go out and find someone. You certainly won't do so because someone else, even someone with the best intentions like your mother, has decided it is time. It happens the other way, I suspect: you will instead discover-some day in the future-that you have made a new emotional connection. Then you will know that you have been ready for someone else in your life. I am the mother of a dead son and a living daughter. As the mother of a dead boy, I want to tell you to keep Bill's memory a part of your life, but recognize, as much as it hurts, that it is but memory, that he is dead. As the mother of a living daughter, I want to tell you that you do not have to serve the memory to honor it; you honor him more by valuing the fullness of life.
In December I got a copy of her book, "Saving Graces" through paperbackswap.com (if you haven't discovered this fantastic site, I recommend it). I started reading it, but didn't really give it much thought with all the craziness of Zac coming.
I picked it up again the other night, remembering that she lost her son, Wade, when he was 16. The chapters dealing with his death are profound and moving. Her words humble me.
The following is a message she wrote to a woman grieving the loss of her fiance. For some reason they really touched me and seemed like Elizabeth was speaking directly to me. I wanted to share them, since they brought me some comfort.
Grief is a long process of untangling ourselves from the physical reality of the person and from our expectations of our future with them. You will not, I imagine, decide one day that it is time, that you are ready, and then go out and find someone. You certainly won't do so because someone else, even someone with the best intentions like your mother, has decided it is time. It happens the other way, I suspect: you will instead discover-some day in the future-that you have made a new emotional connection. Then you will know that you have been ready for someone else in your life. I am the mother of a dead son and a living daughter. As the mother of a dead boy, I want to tell you to keep Bill's memory a part of your life, but recognize, as much as it hurts, that it is but memory, that he is dead. As the mother of a living daughter, I want to tell you that you do not have to serve the memory to honor it; you honor him more by valuing the fullness of life.
Monday, January 16, 2012
...
Dear Zac,
I miss you. Night time is really hard for me. I keep busy during the day and everything almost seems okay. And then it gets dark outside, the day winds down, your brother heads to bed, and the harsh reality of the situation slaps me in the face.
I miss you. I look at your pictures... your beautiful face, your long fingers, your big feet... and I wonder how much you have changed in the last few weeks.
Your aunts and uncles post pictures and videos of your cousins and I just feel so torn. I love those boys so much and am just so happy, but it breaks my heart too. I wanted you to grow up with them. I wanted the 2011 boys.
I filled out an application for another adoption agency today. I don't know what to do Zac. There were so many reasons that we made the timing of you the way we did and those reasons haven't changed. But I just don't know if I am ready. But they say if you wait until you are ready to have kids, you never will.
I guess I don't really have anything profound to say. I guess I just hope that by typing this message out and sending it into cyberspace that maybe, just maybe, you can still feel my love.
Still wishing I was,
Momma
I miss you. Night time is really hard for me. I keep busy during the day and everything almost seems okay. And then it gets dark outside, the day winds down, your brother heads to bed, and the harsh reality of the situation slaps me in the face.
I miss you. I look at your pictures... your beautiful face, your long fingers, your big feet... and I wonder how much you have changed in the last few weeks.
Your aunts and uncles post pictures and videos of your cousins and I just feel so torn. I love those boys so much and am just so happy, but it breaks my heart too. I wanted you to grow up with them. I wanted the 2011 boys.
I filled out an application for another adoption agency today. I don't know what to do Zac. There were so many reasons that we made the timing of you the way we did and those reasons haven't changed. But I just don't know if I am ready. But they say if you wait until you are ready to have kids, you never will.
I guess I don't really have anything profound to say. I guess I just hope that by typing this message out and sending it into cyberspace that maybe, just maybe, you can still feel my love.
Still wishing I was,
Momma
Friday, January 13, 2012
Pros and Cons
I'm ready to start trying again right away for a baby, Squishy isn't there yet. I don't think either of us is right or wrong, it is just another example of how we cope with our emotions differently.
When we are ready to try again, there are so many things to figure out. Do we stay with the same agency or start over with a new one?
And when we get matched again, do we still get all excited again or do we just tell the people that need to know?
One of my dear friends had a miscarriage awhile back and I remember her talking about how when women first find out that they are pregnant there is this internal debate about wanting to tell everyone and wanting to hold off, just in case.
I don't think I would have wanted to do anything differently with Zac... I'm glad that other people were excited about him and that he was so loved for those last few weeks he was in the womb and his first week of life. But I don't know about next time.
If we reactive right away, does that send the message that Zac wasn't important to us? I hope not.
From Nov 3 (the day we got matched) until Jan 4, he was my son. I was a mommy of 2. But how do I tell people that?
When we are ready to try again, there are so many things to figure out. Do we stay with the same agency or start over with a new one?
And when we get matched again, do we still get all excited again or do we just tell the people that need to know?
One of my dear friends had a miscarriage awhile back and I remember her talking about how when women first find out that they are pregnant there is this internal debate about wanting to tell everyone and wanting to hold off, just in case.
I don't think I would have wanted to do anything differently with Zac... I'm glad that other people were excited about him and that he was so loved for those last few weeks he was in the womb and his first week of life. But I don't know about next time.
If we reactive right away, does that send the message that Zac wasn't important to us? I hope not.
From Nov 3 (the day we got matched) until Jan 4, he was my son. I was a mommy of 2. But how do I tell people that?
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Pictures
Life may have taken you from my arms and changed your name, but in my heart you will always be my Zachary John. I love you little boy, even if you will never know it.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
I need some direction
For those of you that follow the blog, but haven't heard: last Wednesday, Zac's dad decided that he couldn't go through with the adoption plan and wanted to parent. We had to give him back.
Throughout the adoption process there were plenty of books and such to read about what to do and how to cope. Now I am feeling lost and sort of directionless.
I know some of you have questions and such, and one day I will have the strength to write about it all, but for now, I just want to say thank you for the love and encouragement.
I am trying to figure out how to move forward. When I started this blog it was supposed to be a journal of sorts for our baby, and maybe it still is. I think we are both committed to trying again, but I don't know what that will look like. Do we try right away or wait? Do we stick with the agency or switch?
When we first had to give Zac back, I couldn't stand to look at his stuff. I left a big pile on the bed of the hotel and asked the staff to donate what they could and throw away the rest. I will forever be thankful for the staff at the Bethlehem, PA Courtyard by Marriott for their amazing support during the week and a half we were there.
Right after handing him over, Squishy drove all night to get us back to his hometown. His mom met us at his Grandpa's house, and my mom was there a few hours later. There, I had to face more baby stuff. I've decided to make a memory box of Zac specific stuff, like his personalized baby blanket and the birth announcement that Squishy's cousin created for us. For now, all that stuff, and other baby stuff that was purchased for Zac but never used, is in the spare room at his Grandpa's. I'll get it in a few months when I'm stronger.
We got home late last night, which was both good and bad. It was nice to be back in our space after being gone for over a month, but hard to face home that was prepped to welcome a new baby.
My next project is to work on thank you notes for all the amazing gifts Zac got. Anything that is Zac specific is being packed up in the memory box. The other stuff that can be used will be packed up for the next kiddo.
It is going to suck and be hard for a long time, but it will be okay.
Throughout the adoption process there were plenty of books and such to read about what to do and how to cope. Now I am feeling lost and sort of directionless.
I know some of you have questions and such, and one day I will have the strength to write about it all, but for now, I just want to say thank you for the love and encouragement.
I am trying to figure out how to move forward. When I started this blog it was supposed to be a journal of sorts for our baby, and maybe it still is. I think we are both committed to trying again, but I don't know what that will look like. Do we try right away or wait? Do we stick with the agency or switch?
When we first had to give Zac back, I couldn't stand to look at his stuff. I left a big pile on the bed of the hotel and asked the staff to donate what they could and throw away the rest. I will forever be thankful for the staff at the Bethlehem, PA Courtyard by Marriott for their amazing support during the week and a half we were there.
Right after handing him over, Squishy drove all night to get us back to his hometown. His mom met us at his Grandpa's house, and my mom was there a few hours later. There, I had to face more baby stuff. I've decided to make a memory box of Zac specific stuff, like his personalized baby blanket and the birth announcement that Squishy's cousin created for us. For now, all that stuff, and other baby stuff that was purchased for Zac but never used, is in the spare room at his Grandpa's. I'll get it in a few months when I'm stronger.
We got home late last night, which was both good and bad. It was nice to be back in our space after being gone for over a month, but hard to face home that was prepped to welcome a new baby.
My next project is to work on thank you notes for all the amazing gifts Zac got. Anything that is Zac specific is being packed up in the memory box. The other stuff that can be used will be packed up for the next kiddo.
It is going to suck and be hard for a long time, but it will be okay.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
... and so it goes
There is a Billy Joel song that I haven't thought of in years that suddenly popped into my head when I started to write this blog. The lyrics are at the end... sorry that they aren't formatted nice & neat.
On Christmas Day I was at Grandpa's family celebration when I got the call the Tummy Mommy's water had broken and that it was go time. We rushed back to Grandpa's house, packed up the van, and hit the road. While we were driving somewhere in Ohio, our little Spud entered the world. He is officially a Christmas baby!
We arrived in town about 4:30am and went straight to the hospital to see him. We only stayed a few minutes and then collapsed at a nearby hotel. My amazing Aunt arrived a few hours later to watch Squirt while we headed back to the hospital.
That was last Monday and the week since has been a blur of drama, stress and emotion. Not really sure if right now I have the energy or desire to describe it all. But where we are right now is that he is with us at the hotel, we haven't been able to leave town, tummy mommy has signed the paperwork and wants us to parent, we are waiting on a dna test, but probable daddy wants to parent at this point.
I'm struggling to bond with Spud...not because he isn't cute and a good baby or that I don't love him, but because there is a really good chance that in a few days, I'm going to have to just hand him over and walk away.
I love him so much and I want him so bad. My friends and loved ones are being amazingly supportive, but I'm just lost.
I'm just sick to my stomach over this.
***
In every heart there is a room A sanctuary safe and strong To heal the wounds from lover's past Until a new one comes along
I spoke to you in cautious tones You answered me with no pretense And still I feel I said too much My silence is my self defense
And every time I've held a rose It seems I only felt the thorns And so it goes and so it goes And so will you soon, I suppose
But if my silence made you leave Then that would be my worst mistake So I will share this room with you And you can have this heart to break
And this is why my eyes are closed It's just as well for all I've seen And so it goes and so it goes And you're the only one who knows
So I would choose to be with you That's if the choice were mine to make But you can make decisions too And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes and so it goes And you're the only one who knows
On Christmas Day I was at Grandpa's family celebration when I got the call the Tummy Mommy's water had broken and that it was go time. We rushed back to Grandpa's house, packed up the van, and hit the road. While we were driving somewhere in Ohio, our little Spud entered the world. He is officially a Christmas baby!
We arrived in town about 4:30am and went straight to the hospital to see him. We only stayed a few minutes and then collapsed at a nearby hotel. My amazing Aunt arrived a few hours later to watch Squirt while we headed back to the hospital.
That was last Monday and the week since has been a blur of drama, stress and emotion. Not really sure if right now I have the energy or desire to describe it all. But where we are right now is that he is with us at the hotel, we haven't been able to leave town, tummy mommy has signed the paperwork and wants us to parent, we are waiting on a dna test, but probable daddy wants to parent at this point.
I'm struggling to bond with Spud...not because he isn't cute and a good baby or that I don't love him, but because there is a really good chance that in a few days, I'm going to have to just hand him over and walk away.
I love him so much and I want him so bad. My friends and loved ones are being amazingly supportive, but I'm just lost.
I'm just sick to my stomach over this.
***
In every heart there is a room A sanctuary safe and strong To heal the wounds from lover's past Until a new one comes along
I spoke to you in cautious tones You answered me with no pretense And still I feel I said too much My silence is my self defense
And every time I've held a rose It seems I only felt the thorns And so it goes and so it goes And so will you soon, I suppose
But if my silence made you leave Then that would be my worst mistake So I will share this room with you And you can have this heart to break
And this is why my eyes are closed It's just as well for all I've seen And so it goes and so it goes And you're the only one who knows
So I would choose to be with you That's if the choice were mine to make But you can make decisions too And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes and so it goes And you're the only one who knows
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