I can't even describe the pain I am experiencing over this child.
Today is just one of those days where I can't get the negative voices in my head to shut up. Why is it okay to tell an adoptive parent that "you know it might not work out?" I can't imagine telling a pregnant woman "you know that you might have a miscarriage or a still birth." People say "prepare yourself for the worst," but how the fuck do you do that, really?
I'm angry. I'm angry that I am trying my best to be supportive and there for Zac's Tummy Mommy and yet she is in the position to just break my heart.
I have spent more money that I can even wrap my brain around, turned my life upside down to get ready for this child, and let myself fall in love with this baby boy. And today all I feel is just pain.
Part of me just wants to pack up the van, call the whole thing off, and head back home to lick my wounds. At least then I would be doing something and not just in this horrible limbo.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Still Waiting
I think that due dates are completely ridiculous. I understand the need to have an approximate date of arrival, but let's just call them that. To me, "due date" sounds like a deadline and being the nut job that I am, due dates evoke fear and panic. I respond one of two ways to due dates... either I try to get the assignment done super early or I procrastinate until the very last second. But never, Never, NEVER in my real life do I let due dates slip by. School papers, library books, work assignments... these are things with due dates.
Babies play by their own rules. We all know this. And while there is a typical length of gestation, even if you know the exact day you conceived, apparently our bodies aren't very good at looking at a calendar. Babies come when babies come. Squirt was 5 weeks early, and with the exception of spending a week in the NICU, you would never know that he was early... he just required a shorter baking time.
So pregnant women get assigned a due date based on their last period and then the date can get moved based on ultrasounds and such. As a due date gets closer, most women start to freak out... we just want the baby OUT! We were told it would be over by a certain point and for the love of all that is holy, I just want to see my feet again and not have the constant heartburn/other ick that accompanies pregnancy.
And God forbid in this society you go over your due date. Just ask my dear friend, Jenn, who practically had to hide from her doctor in order to avoid being induced. Whereas Squirt didn't require as much baking time, maybe some babies just require more. Yet, if you reach that due date without a bundle of joy in your arms, panic sets in.
While I *know* all this, it is still strange to me that I am a bit shocked that Spud isn't here yet. His due date isn't until Friday. Maybe Spud is just going to be a more laid back, enjoy the ride, what's the hurry kind of kid. I'm sure he is warm and toasty in their and realizes that being a winter baby means very quickly being thrust into cold, Cold, COLD!
I'm trying to be patient. I have some days where I am a complete crazy pants, and others where I am just trying to enjoy this time with Squirt and Squishy's family. If Spud isn't here by Friday, Squishy is going to fly up to join us for Christmas. He has never been in the country for a Christmas with Squirt and I just can't imagine being with his family for the holiday while he is alone at home (though I know all of our military friends would gladly take him in).
Babies play by their own rules. We all know this. And while there is a typical length of gestation, even if you know the exact day you conceived, apparently our bodies aren't very good at looking at a calendar. Babies come when babies come. Squirt was 5 weeks early, and with the exception of spending a week in the NICU, you would never know that he was early... he just required a shorter baking time.
So pregnant women get assigned a due date based on their last period and then the date can get moved based on ultrasounds and such. As a due date gets closer, most women start to freak out... we just want the baby OUT! We were told it would be over by a certain point and for the love of all that is holy, I just want to see my feet again and not have the constant heartburn/other ick that accompanies pregnancy.
And God forbid in this society you go over your due date. Just ask my dear friend, Jenn, who practically had to hide from her doctor in order to avoid being induced. Whereas Squirt didn't require as much baking time, maybe some babies just require more. Yet, if you reach that due date without a bundle of joy in your arms, panic sets in.
While I *know* all this, it is still strange to me that I am a bit shocked that Spud isn't here yet. His due date isn't until Friday. Maybe Spud is just going to be a more laid back, enjoy the ride, what's the hurry kind of kid. I'm sure he is warm and toasty in their and realizes that being a winter baby means very quickly being thrust into cold, Cold, COLD!
I'm trying to be patient. I have some days where I am a complete crazy pants, and others where I am just trying to enjoy this time with Squirt and Squishy's family. If Spud isn't here by Friday, Squishy is going to fly up to join us for Christmas. He has never been in the country for a Christmas with Squirt and I just can't imagine being with his family for the holiday while he is alone at home (though I know all of our military friends would gladly take him in).
Monday, December 12, 2011
Untitled
I talk to your brother a lot. It started when he was in my belly and continues to this very day... in fact, I caught myself doing it this afternoon while he napped in the bed beside me. I tell him how much I love him and share my hopes and dreams. Sometimes I just share nonsense stuff. They say that people in comas can hear those around them, and I guess I think it is true for babies in the womb and sleeping kiddos too. The words said in those quiet, private moments get processed by the heart & soul, rather than the ears.
I'm missing that with you. I want to just put my hands on my swollen belly and tell you a million things, secrets just for you. But since someone else is getting to feel your kicks and hiccups, I'm left with this blog. I imagine one day I will print these entries out for you, and as you sit in a quiet spot reading them, I hope that they will bring you a sense of comfort and peace.
Your Nanny (that's what we call Daddy's mom) told me about how when she was pregnant with your Uncle Andrew, she wondered how she would ever love him as much as she loved your Daddy. I think most parents wonder that with their second child. I mean the first kid comes along and you *know* that you will love them, but you become completely absorbed by every little action of this tiny being. It's a cliche because it is true: being a parent changes everything. And no matter how many times you hear it, or people try to explain it to you, you have absolutely no clue until you join the club.
I'm completely stupidly wrapped up in your brother. And for a long time I worried about how I could possibly love you that much too. Nanny, and Lola, and all the other parents of more than one child told me that it would just happen. I wouldn't love my children the same, since they would be unique, but I would certainly love them equally. And already I am starting to feel that.
Spud, your story is so different from Squirts and I love that. I'm freakin' anxious to get to know you and your quirks and to see what kind of young man you turn out to be.
***
Before I got on the computer to type out this entry, I was thinking about what I wanted to say. I refer to Squirt as "your brother," because in my mind, that is what he is: the person you will grow, love, fight, cause trouble with. But somewhere else in this world, you will have two other brothers... boys who share your DNA. It reminded me of a story of your Uncle Alan and Uncle Gordon that always makes me smile.
By the time you read these blogs, you will understand that in our family, relatives are defined by love, not blood. And that sometimes out of love, parents make choices that sometimes are hard for kids to understand. That's how it came to be that I didn't meet your Granddad (my dad) until I was in my teenage years. When we did finally meet, we had a family get together where Uncle Alan (my brother on Lola's side) and Uncle Gordon (my brother on Granddad's side) met. They were young (10 & 11 maybe), but understood that they were each technically my half brother. What they couldn't wrap their minds around was how they could both be my brother, and yet have no relation to each other. And so, they decided they must be "quarter siblings."
Adoption has added lots of new words to our family vocabulary (like "tummy mommy") and I think that "quarter sibling" might have to be another one as we all try to wrap around how exactly we are related. I hope you feel pretty special knowing that our overwhelming love for you is bringing two families together forever.
***
Last night your Great Grandpa kept dreaming that today would be the day we got the "labor has started" call. He left me a note on the kitchen table telling me that before he left for work. While it is appearing that today wasn't the day (unless something happens in the next 45 minutes), I still want to save that note for your book.
One thing that you will always have over your older brother is that you have a better baby book. Confession: Momma is not very crafty or creative. I was looking at your Aunt Katie's baby book the other day and her mommy has all these detailed notes about her first smile, foods, yadda, yadda, yadda. Um, your brothers baby book didn't really happen; I was too busy trying to make sure he survived and that I didn't completely fall apart from exhaustion. I barely had the energy to watch tv, let alone keep notes on what was happening. And yet with you, I feel this compulsion to record everything. This blog, the notes I scribbled on a random piece of paper when we got "the call," the cards from your secret admirers. Maybe one day, you, me, and your tummy mommy will collaborate on a book that becomes a must-read for those involved with adoption. ;)
***
During that time, I would talk to your brother non-stop. I would tell him how much I wanted him out and all that. He was due at the end of September, but I would tell him that he could come out in early September, on my Grandpa's birthday, or on the anniversary of when Daddy & I met. When it looked like he was going to arrive in August, we thought about your Great Grandpa's birthday and other loved ones with August birthdays. And yet, he came on just a random Thursday. It wasn't until a few weeks later, when GG came to meet him, that I learned that his birthday was actually her and my Grandpa's wedding anniversary. Which being the sentimental sap I am, means a lot.
I wish that I could talk like that to you now. Daddy has a cousin with a birthday this week that would probably be flattered to share cake with you. If you decide to come on Christmas, you'll be joining a cousin and your great-great grandmother on the birthday calendar. That week in between Christmas and New Years, there are a couple of aunts, uncles, and cousins that you can celebrate with. But if you really want to hold out and not give Momma a 2011 tax deduction, I hope you wait for January 3, your Nanny's birthday.
I wish that I could go for long walks, eat spicy food, and all that in an effort to get you into the real world, but you will come when you are good and ready.
I was talking to Nana last night about how much my belief in a higher power has increased since becoming a parent. As hard as this waiting is, I know that there is a purpose for it. And when the day comes that you arrive and I look into your eyes, I will smile at how perfectly it all worked out. And maybe, like with your brother, it will be some kind of special calendar day that I didn't even think of!
***
Alright my little Spud.. now that Momma has written you a novel, it is time for me to head to bed. I keep thinking how important sleeping every chance I get is, since I don't know when I'll be frantically packing up the van and driving 11 hours to meet you.
XOXO
I'm missing that with you. I want to just put my hands on my swollen belly and tell you a million things, secrets just for you. But since someone else is getting to feel your kicks and hiccups, I'm left with this blog. I imagine one day I will print these entries out for you, and as you sit in a quiet spot reading them, I hope that they will bring you a sense of comfort and peace.
Your Nanny (that's what we call Daddy's mom) told me about how when she was pregnant with your Uncle Andrew, she wondered how she would ever love him as much as she loved your Daddy. I think most parents wonder that with their second child. I mean the first kid comes along and you *know* that you will love them, but you become completely absorbed by every little action of this tiny being. It's a cliche because it is true: being a parent changes everything. And no matter how many times you hear it, or people try to explain it to you, you have absolutely no clue until you join the club.
I'm completely stupidly wrapped up in your brother. And for a long time I worried about how I could possibly love you that much too. Nanny, and Lola, and all the other parents of more than one child told me that it would just happen. I wouldn't love my children the same, since they would be unique, but I would certainly love them equally. And already I am starting to feel that.
Spud, your story is so different from Squirts and I love that. I'm freakin' anxious to get to know you and your quirks and to see what kind of young man you turn out to be.
***
Before I got on the computer to type out this entry, I was thinking about what I wanted to say. I refer to Squirt as "your brother," because in my mind, that is what he is: the person you will grow, love, fight, cause trouble with. But somewhere else in this world, you will have two other brothers... boys who share your DNA. It reminded me of a story of your Uncle Alan and Uncle Gordon that always makes me smile.
By the time you read these blogs, you will understand that in our family, relatives are defined by love, not blood. And that sometimes out of love, parents make choices that sometimes are hard for kids to understand. That's how it came to be that I didn't meet your Granddad (my dad) until I was in my teenage years. When we did finally meet, we had a family get together where Uncle Alan (my brother on Lola's side) and Uncle Gordon (my brother on Granddad's side) met. They were young (10 & 11 maybe), but understood that they were each technically my half brother. What they couldn't wrap their minds around was how they could both be my brother, and yet have no relation to each other. And so, they decided they must be "quarter siblings."
Adoption has added lots of new words to our family vocabulary (like "tummy mommy") and I think that "quarter sibling" might have to be another one as we all try to wrap around how exactly we are related. I hope you feel pretty special knowing that our overwhelming love for you is bringing two families together forever.
***
Last night your Great Grandpa kept dreaming that today would be the day we got the "labor has started" call. He left me a note on the kitchen table telling me that before he left for work. While it is appearing that today wasn't the day (unless something happens in the next 45 minutes), I still want to save that note for your book.
One thing that you will always have over your older brother is that you have a better baby book. Confession: Momma is not very crafty or creative. I was looking at your Aunt Katie's baby book the other day and her mommy has all these detailed notes about her first smile, foods, yadda, yadda, yadda. Um, your brothers baby book didn't really happen; I was too busy trying to make sure he survived and that I didn't completely fall apart from exhaustion. I barely had the energy to watch tv, let alone keep notes on what was happening. And yet with you, I feel this compulsion to record everything. This blog, the notes I scribbled on a random piece of paper when we got "the call," the cards from your secret admirers. Maybe one day, you, me, and your tummy mommy will collaborate on a book that becomes a must-read for those involved with adoption. ;)
***
During that time, I would talk to your brother non-stop. I would tell him how much I wanted him out and all that. He was due at the end of September, but I would tell him that he could come out in early September, on my Grandpa's birthday, or on the anniversary of when Daddy & I met. When it looked like he was going to arrive in August, we thought about your Great Grandpa's birthday and other loved ones with August birthdays. And yet, he came on just a random Thursday. It wasn't until a few weeks later, when GG came to meet him, that I learned that his birthday was actually her and my Grandpa's wedding anniversary. Which being the sentimental sap I am, means a lot.
I wish that I could talk like that to you now. Daddy has a cousin with a birthday this week that would probably be flattered to share cake with you. If you decide to come on Christmas, you'll be joining a cousin and your great-great grandmother on the birthday calendar. That week in between Christmas and New Years, there are a couple of aunts, uncles, and cousins that you can celebrate with. But if you really want to hold out and not give Momma a 2011 tax deduction, I hope you wait for January 3, your Nanny's birthday.
I wish that I could go for long walks, eat spicy food, and all that in an effort to get you into the real world, but you will come when you are good and ready.
I was talking to Nana last night about how much my belief in a higher power has increased since becoming a parent. As hard as this waiting is, I know that there is a purpose for it. And when the day comes that you arrive and I look into your eyes, I will smile at how perfectly it all worked out. And maybe, like with your brother, it will be some kind of special calendar day that I didn't even think of!
***
Alright my little Spud.. now that Momma has written you a novel, it is time for me to head to bed. I keep thinking how important sleeping every chance I get is, since I don't know when I'll be frantically packing up the van and driving 11 hours to meet you.
XOXO
Saturday, December 10, 2011
The Journey
Hey Spud,
Can you hurry up and be born already? I'm going bonkers!
Your brothers (the human one and the furry one) and I left Texas a week ago to begin our journey northward to prepare for your arrival. It was really hard saying goodbye to Daddy and our house and life, but at least now I'm in driving distance of you. It is just super weird not knowing when we will be home again.. it could be nearly February!
We spent Sunday night in Oklahoma City. I picked a motel with an indoor pool, so Squirt and I splashed around for a bit before bed. I really hope that you end up loving the water as much as he does because quite frankly, I don't consider it a vacation unless there is swimming and preferably ocean involved.
Monday night we arrived in St. Louis to see Aunt Jenn. She bought you a ton of cute gifts and one silly gift for mommy... a tub of cream cheese frosting. When I was pregnant with your brother I had gestational diabetes, which sucks for a pregnant hormonal lady with a sweet tooth. I joked that I wanted to eat a can of frosting as soon as I delivered, so as I came down from my pain medicine high, Aunt Jenn produced a can of frosting, that I savored more than any other food in my whole life.
On Tuesday we reached Chicago and got to spend a few days with your Lola, GG, and Uncle Alan. We didn't really do much, but it was sure good for my soul to see them.
And yesterday we arrived in Indiana, with Daddy's family, which is where we plan to be until your Tummy Mommy goes into labor.
Spud, you need to hurry up and get the heck out into the real world. I miss your Daddy and won't get to see him until you arrive or Christmas, whichever comes first. And I don't wait well.
Your tummy mommy and I have both been having crazy dreams the last week. She woke up from a bad dream earlier in the week and couldn't feel you moving. She rushed to the ER and got an ultrasound. Right as they were hooking her up, you kicked. You are going to be a little stinker, aren't you?
Everyone is so anxious for you! I mentioned that Aunt Jenn got you some gifts, and so did her mom (Auntie Linda). And your secret admirers struck again the other day, so you now have a bathtub.
I just want you here! Today I went and saw your cousin, Ryan. He is just a month old and OHMYGOSH cute! It gave me major baby fever. I just want to hold you in my arms, kiss your beautiful face, nibble your fingers and toes, and tell you how much I love you.
My mind is non-stop racing, wondering how these next few days/weeks will play out. I just want the phone to ring and have it be it. C'mon!!!!
I'm hoping for tomorrow. Your Tummy Mommy said that "11" is one of her favorite numbers, so 12-11-11 seems like a good birthday to me. And it would mean that you and your cousin Nathaniel are exactly 3 months apart.
Your Nanny was recently on a trip and found charms with your brothers name, Ryan, and Nathaniel. She wore them on a necklace today and it is so cute! She also bought one with your name and is pretty anxious to add that 4th charm.
I keep joking that I want to drive to where your Tummy Mommy is and slip some potosin in her coffee.
It has been a little over a year since Daddy and I started this whole adoption journey officially, but as it gets closer Spud, I realize that I have been waiting for you my whole life. While I was going through all the up's and down's, I couldn't imagine that it was all leading to you, but here I am... knowing that you are truly my son, my love, my reason for living. "God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you." I was so upset when I found out about the CF thing with your brother and Daddy & I had to make the decision on whether to have more bio babies. But now, it seems like adopting you was exactly what we were supposed to do.
I want to type a million words to you right now because so much is spinning in my head, but I will get off the computer and head to bed. But as I say goodnight, I send up a prayer that the next time I update this blog will be to let the world know that my beautiful son has arrived. I love you Spud. I know you will be here in your own time, but if you could hurry up and get here on Mommy's schedule, I'd appreciate it.
XOXO
Momma
Can you hurry up and be born already? I'm going bonkers!
Your brothers (the human one and the furry one) and I left Texas a week ago to begin our journey northward to prepare for your arrival. It was really hard saying goodbye to Daddy and our house and life, but at least now I'm in driving distance of you. It is just super weird not knowing when we will be home again.. it could be nearly February!
We spent Sunday night in Oklahoma City. I picked a motel with an indoor pool, so Squirt and I splashed around for a bit before bed. I really hope that you end up loving the water as much as he does because quite frankly, I don't consider it a vacation unless there is swimming and preferably ocean involved.
Monday night we arrived in St. Louis to see Aunt Jenn. She bought you a ton of cute gifts and one silly gift for mommy... a tub of cream cheese frosting. When I was pregnant with your brother I had gestational diabetes, which sucks for a pregnant hormonal lady with a sweet tooth. I joked that I wanted to eat a can of frosting as soon as I delivered, so as I came down from my pain medicine high, Aunt Jenn produced a can of frosting, that I savored more than any other food in my whole life.
On Tuesday we reached Chicago and got to spend a few days with your Lola, GG, and Uncle Alan. We didn't really do much, but it was sure good for my soul to see them.
And yesterday we arrived in Indiana, with Daddy's family, which is where we plan to be until your Tummy Mommy goes into labor.
Spud, you need to hurry up and get the heck out into the real world. I miss your Daddy and won't get to see him until you arrive or Christmas, whichever comes first. And I don't wait well.
Your tummy mommy and I have both been having crazy dreams the last week. She woke up from a bad dream earlier in the week and couldn't feel you moving. She rushed to the ER and got an ultrasound. Right as they were hooking her up, you kicked. You are going to be a little stinker, aren't you?
Everyone is so anxious for you! I mentioned that Aunt Jenn got you some gifts, and so did her mom (Auntie Linda). And your secret admirers struck again the other day, so you now have a bathtub.
I just want you here! Today I went and saw your cousin, Ryan. He is just a month old and OHMYGOSH cute! It gave me major baby fever. I just want to hold you in my arms, kiss your beautiful face, nibble your fingers and toes, and tell you how much I love you.
My mind is non-stop racing, wondering how these next few days/weeks will play out. I just want the phone to ring and have it be it. C'mon!!!!
I'm hoping for tomorrow. Your Tummy Mommy said that "11" is one of her favorite numbers, so 12-11-11 seems like a good birthday to me. And it would mean that you and your cousin Nathaniel are exactly 3 months apart.
Your Nanny was recently on a trip and found charms with your brothers name, Ryan, and Nathaniel. She wore them on a necklace today and it is so cute! She also bought one with your name and is pretty anxious to add that 4th charm.
I keep joking that I want to drive to where your Tummy Mommy is and slip some potosin in her coffee.
It has been a little over a year since Daddy and I started this whole adoption journey officially, but as it gets closer Spud, I realize that I have been waiting for you my whole life. While I was going through all the up's and down's, I couldn't imagine that it was all leading to you, but here I am... knowing that you are truly my son, my love, my reason for living. "God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you." I was so upset when I found out about the CF thing with your brother and Daddy & I had to make the decision on whether to have more bio babies. But now, it seems like adopting you was exactly what we were supposed to do.
I want to type a million words to you right now because so much is spinning in my head, but I will get off the computer and head to bed. But as I say goodnight, I send up a prayer that the next time I update this blog will be to let the world know that my beautiful son has arrived. I love you Spud. I know you will be here in your own time, but if you could hurry up and get here on Mommy's schedule, I'd appreciate it.
XOXO
Momma
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