A few months ago, the randomness of life introduced me to a woman who had chosen adoption for her first born. She was really open and honest with me about her feelings and the process and such.
In our conversations, it was obvious how much she loves her child, but how she truly believes she made the right decision by selecting a family that could give him the life he deserved/she couldn't provide at the time.
There are very few instances that I could think of where a woman could carry a child for nine months, go through the emotional decision of picking an adoptive family, the pain of child birth and then stop loving that child. So based on that assumption, Spud will have a tummy mommy and maybe a dad and grandparents and siblings that love him or her. How selfish of a parent would I be to deny my child a relationship with people that love him?
The young woman that I referred to earlier recently posted on facebook that her firstborn is in the hospital with some serious medical issues. It is breaking his parents hearts, and hers. I know you don't know this little boy or his parents or his tummy mommy, but can you please keep them in your thoughts for me? Thanks!
When I read the note, I was surprised to see that she is facebook friends with his mom. How awesome is that? That is on the extremely open end of the adoption spectrum, but ideally that is what we would love. We want Spud's tummy mommy to always be apart of our family, if she is comfortable.
That is one of the big things we have learned about adoption... that the relationship we have with the birth mom is really not up to us. We told the agency what amount of contact we would be comfortable with, but it is completely possible for her to not want a connection with us. We also understand that her level of contact might change over the years, as her life situations change.
***
I got an e-mail yesterday from the agency that November is National Adoption Month and November 19 is National Adoption Day. When I told Squishy that, he asked, "is that your new goal day?" Yep! So Spud, if these messages are somehow reaching your tummy mommy's heart, we would love to be matched with you in time to celebrate this year. I'm excited to add this important date to our family calendar and come up with new traditions and ways to celebrate.
***
Your daddy has to go away for work for several months at a time. Whenever he is gone, I struggle with how much to tell him about what is going on at home. I want him to know all the details, but I also don't want him to feel bad about missing out on the fun, or feel bad that he can't fix the things that are going wrong.
This morning I found myself having this perfect moment. Daddy, Squirt, and I were waking up and talking and laughing. As soon as the thought, "nothing could beat this moment and feeling" entered my head, I suddenly felt your absence. I truly enjoy the life I have been given and created, but I know that it will be all that much sweeter when you are with us.
Loving you lots,
Momma
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Today would be perfect!
While there is nothing guaranteed about adoption, in all likelihood we will get "the call" during normal business hours. A tummy mommy will have seen our profile and said "they are the ones," and someone from the agency will call to let us know that you are officially on your way. In rare situations, we might get called in the evening or on a weekend, if a tummy mommy has already had you and picked us at the last minute. But generally, it is the phone calls from unknown numbers during the week that get my heart racing.
The agency will start by calling me and if they can't reach me, they will try daddy. If we are able to, we will be able to conference in the other parent, if not, we just need to write the info down to share. For some reason, this makes me really nervous. On the one hand, if I get the call and can't get a hold of your dad, I wonder how I will stay calm, especially with daycare kids running around. And how will I contain my emotions while trying to get a hold of him. The nice thing is, he has already forgiven me in advance if in this situation I tell your Nanny & Lola before I tell him. On the other hand, what if he gets the call? You should know already that mommy is a bit of a control freak and I'm sure I will bombard him with a bizzillion question that he won't know the answer to.
When I found out I was pregnant with Squirt, it was early in the morning. I called your daddy, who had just left for PT, and told him to come home. I met him at the door with the test and we got excited together for a few minutes, but then he was like "I really need to get to work." I guess I just want us to be physically together when we get "the call" that you are on your way.
So today would be PERFECT! It is the middle of the week, so prime time to call. Daddy is home sick today from work (which NEVER happens) and Squirt is sick too, so no daycare kiddos (which NEVER happens). So the three of us are just having a quiet day together while the rest of the world goes by.
If the phone rings today, Daddy and I will be together and get to put the agency on speakerphone and hold hands and smile and jump up and down while we hear all the details.
***
In other Spud news, you should know that I obsessively check the agency website. They tell you not to, but that's like telling a woman trying to get pregnant that she shouldn't think about it. HA! Not gonna happen.
As of right now there are 45 couples that are waiting with us. It seems to me that you should feel amazingly special because any one of us would feel beyond blessed to love you and be your parents. And we are going to feel so lucky and honored when your tummy mommy picks us and you finally find us. 45 families. Those are good odds that you will find us soon, right?
I also spend a lot of time looking at the "available situations," babies that for whatever reason are having a hard time finding the right parents. Usually it is because of the cost. I read the stories... the due dates, the gender, the home state, and I squeeze my eyes closed and try to see the baby in my head. While those babies aren't you, I seem attached to them and just pray so hard that they find their right parents quickly. I can't imagine the emotions for the birth mom whose baby hasn't found a forever home yet.
***
Well, Spud, it is time to get started with my day. I love you always and a little bit more each day. If you have any say in the matter, I think today would be a perfect day to let Daddy and I know that you are on the way.
XOXO
The agency will start by calling me and if they can't reach me, they will try daddy. If we are able to, we will be able to conference in the other parent, if not, we just need to write the info down to share. For some reason, this makes me really nervous. On the one hand, if I get the call and can't get a hold of your dad, I wonder how I will stay calm, especially with daycare kids running around. And how will I contain my emotions while trying to get a hold of him. The nice thing is, he has already forgiven me in advance if in this situation I tell your Nanny & Lola before I tell him. On the other hand, what if he gets the call? You should know already that mommy is a bit of a control freak and I'm sure I will bombard him with a bizzillion question that he won't know the answer to.
When I found out I was pregnant with Squirt, it was early in the morning. I called your daddy, who had just left for PT, and told him to come home. I met him at the door with the test and we got excited together for a few minutes, but then he was like "I really need to get to work." I guess I just want us to be physically together when we get "the call" that you are on your way.
So today would be PERFECT! It is the middle of the week, so prime time to call. Daddy is home sick today from work (which NEVER happens) and Squirt is sick too, so no daycare kiddos (which NEVER happens). So the three of us are just having a quiet day together while the rest of the world goes by.
If the phone rings today, Daddy and I will be together and get to put the agency on speakerphone and hold hands and smile and jump up and down while we hear all the details.
***
In other Spud news, you should know that I obsessively check the agency website. They tell you not to, but that's like telling a woman trying to get pregnant that she shouldn't think about it. HA! Not gonna happen.
As of right now there are 45 couples that are waiting with us. It seems to me that you should feel amazingly special because any one of us would feel beyond blessed to love you and be your parents. And we are going to feel so lucky and honored when your tummy mommy picks us and you finally find us. 45 families. Those are good odds that you will find us soon, right?
I also spend a lot of time looking at the "available situations," babies that for whatever reason are having a hard time finding the right parents. Usually it is because of the cost. I read the stories... the due dates, the gender, the home state, and I squeeze my eyes closed and try to see the baby in my head. While those babies aren't you, I seem attached to them and just pray so hard that they find their right parents quickly. I can't imagine the emotions for the birth mom whose baby hasn't found a forever home yet.
***
Well, Spud, it is time to get started with my day. I love you always and a little bit more each day. If you have any say in the matter, I think today would be a perfect day to let Daddy and I know that you are on the way.
XOXO
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Pennies from Heaven
I've always gotten excited when I found a penny on the ground... the old myth that it brought good luck.
A few years ago your Great Grandma sent me an e-mail forward about how when you find a penny, heads or tails, it is a sign from someone in Heaven telling you that they are thinking about you. I love that idea!
I just found a penny in the washing machine and my first thoughts were of you, Spud. This adoption process has turned me inside out in a lot of ways and made me question so many things. It is often hard to keep the faith that we are doing the right thing and to believe that you really are going to find us someday.
My Grandpa is up in Heaven... he has been there for over 10 years now, but not a day goes by that I don't think of him. He was my role model for unconditional love. He was my world and most people would say that I was his. And yet, biologically, he wasn't my grandpa at all. When he fell in love with your great grandma, she already had two young kiddos. Early into their marriage they had a baby together and he adopted the older two (your Lola and her brother).
Adoption, for several generations now, is part of your legacy Spud. I have always been raised that love has very little to do with biology.
While I love your brother with my whole heart and soul, I love you just as much. I love that Squirt is a part of my flesh, that he grew in my body, and that I can look at him and notice features that he got from me. But I love that you aren't those things. I love that I'm having to fight so hard for you and wait so long. I love that once you are finally in my arms, it will be yet another display of how crazy and miraculous life can be. Your brother was very much wanted, but no where near as much as you aren wanted. With you, I know what parenting is about... the up's and down's, the love and heartbreak, and still I want to do it again. It was *relatively* easy to have Squirt, but with you it is a long, exhausting, expensive process.... and yet there is nothing I would rather do with my time and money.
This post is a little disjointed, I suppose, but I just keep thinking about my grandpa and about you. Daddy and I aren't very spiritual and not at all religious, but I truly believe that my grandpa is up there watching over us and this whole process. After he passed away, I developed an allergy to the same medication he was allergic to. It sounds crazy (and the migraine I get from it hurts like you would not believe), but I love that connection to him. And it makes me so curious to see what similarities you and I will share.
I love you little one. Can you please find us today?
Love, Momma
A few years ago your Great Grandma sent me an e-mail forward about how when you find a penny, heads or tails, it is a sign from someone in Heaven telling you that they are thinking about you. I love that idea!
I just found a penny in the washing machine and my first thoughts were of you, Spud. This adoption process has turned me inside out in a lot of ways and made me question so many things. It is often hard to keep the faith that we are doing the right thing and to believe that you really are going to find us someday.
My Grandpa is up in Heaven... he has been there for over 10 years now, but not a day goes by that I don't think of him. He was my role model for unconditional love. He was my world and most people would say that I was his. And yet, biologically, he wasn't my grandpa at all. When he fell in love with your great grandma, she already had two young kiddos. Early into their marriage they had a baby together and he adopted the older two (your Lola and her brother).
Adoption, for several generations now, is part of your legacy Spud. I have always been raised that love has very little to do with biology.
While I love your brother with my whole heart and soul, I love you just as much. I love that Squirt is a part of my flesh, that he grew in my body, and that I can look at him and notice features that he got from me. But I love that you aren't those things. I love that I'm having to fight so hard for you and wait so long. I love that once you are finally in my arms, it will be yet another display of how crazy and miraculous life can be. Your brother was very much wanted, but no where near as much as you aren wanted. With you, I know what parenting is about... the up's and down's, the love and heartbreak, and still I want to do it again. It was *relatively* easy to have Squirt, but with you it is a long, exhausting, expensive process.... and yet there is nothing I would rather do with my time and money.
This post is a little disjointed, I suppose, but I just keep thinking about my grandpa and about you. Daddy and I aren't very spiritual and not at all religious, but I truly believe that my grandpa is up there watching over us and this whole process. After he passed away, I developed an allergy to the same medication he was allergic to. It sounds crazy (and the migraine I get from it hurts like you would not believe), but I love that connection to him. And it makes me so curious to see what similarities you and I will share.
I love you little one. Can you please find us today?
Love, Momma
Monday, October 24, 2011
Checking In
Hey Little One!
Not really much to write about this week; just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you.
This weekend I worked on cleaning up the garage and I gotta tell you kid: you already have a TON of stuff. Part of me is hoping that you are twin boys because that is the only way to justify the amount of clothing I have accumulated for you. On the other hand, if you are a girl, I have a great excuse to donate all of that stuff and go SHOPPING!
I love you Spud! I can't wait to hold you in my arms and watch you grow and change and turn into your own magical self.
Hoping you find us soon,
Momma
Not really much to write about this week; just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you.
This weekend I worked on cleaning up the garage and I gotta tell you kid: you already have a TON of stuff. Part of me is hoping that you are twin boys because that is the only way to justify the amount of clothing I have accumulated for you. On the other hand, if you are a girl, I have a great excuse to donate all of that stuff and go SHOPPING!
I love you Spud! I can't wait to hold you in my arms and watch you grow and change and turn into your own magical self.
Hoping you find us soon,
Momma
Monday, October 17, 2011
Sign?
Spud,
If you had any clue how ready we are for you to join our family, I'm sure the phone would ring right this second telling us that you are on the way home.
Daddy and I have been talking about your name for quite awhile now and have settled on two names that start with the letter "Z." Your big brothers name starts with "A," so this way our family will be complete "from A-Z."
Yesterday, we were at the mall buying shoes and saw a product line with the same Z names we have picked! It made me smile like you would not believe. I can't wait to buy a whole bunch of the stuff to send to your grandparents once we get the call.
Daddy and I talk a lot about your birth mom. Recently, I met a lady who picked adoption for her son and he calls her his "tummy mommy." We both really like that, and think that is how we will talk to you about your mom.
The adoption agency sent us a packing list for when we get "the call" that it is time to travel to go get you, so that got me excited. And I continue to mentally go through what baby stuff we need for you. Mostly I think we just need some bottles/formula/newborn diapers. I'm going to try to be a better mom for you than I was for your brother and actually use the cloth diapers, now that I have a better laundry system in place. And I think I want to get you a new pack & play. But that is all stuff that we can pick up once the call comes.
Can you hurry up and have your birth mommy pick us now please? Eek! It has been less than 2 months of waiting and the average can be up to 9 months! Mommy is slowly going insane. I wasn't very patient when I was trying to get pregnant with your brother either! And waiting for his delivery was super frustrating (probably why he came 5 weeks early).
I'm taking your brother to the pumpkin patch today and I am wondering if we will get the call by Halloween.... we have a onesie ready for you in case! And I'm starting my Christmas shopping and wondering if Santa will need to bring two gifts to our house.
Loving you always,
Momma
If you had any clue how ready we are for you to join our family, I'm sure the phone would ring right this second telling us that you are on the way home.
Daddy and I have been talking about your name for quite awhile now and have settled on two names that start with the letter "Z." Your big brothers name starts with "A," so this way our family will be complete "from A-Z."
Yesterday, we were at the mall buying shoes and saw a product line with the same Z names we have picked! It made me smile like you would not believe. I can't wait to buy a whole bunch of the stuff to send to your grandparents once we get the call.
Daddy and I talk a lot about your birth mom. Recently, I met a lady who picked adoption for her son and he calls her his "tummy mommy." We both really like that, and think that is how we will talk to you about your mom.
The adoption agency sent us a packing list for when we get "the call" that it is time to travel to go get you, so that got me excited. And I continue to mentally go through what baby stuff we need for you. Mostly I think we just need some bottles/formula/newborn diapers. I'm going to try to be a better mom for you than I was for your brother and actually use the cloth diapers, now that I have a better laundry system in place. And I think I want to get you a new pack & play. But that is all stuff that we can pick up once the call comes.
Can you hurry up and have your birth mommy pick us now please? Eek! It has been less than 2 months of waiting and the average can be up to 9 months! Mommy is slowly going insane. I wasn't very patient when I was trying to get pregnant with your brother either! And waiting for his delivery was super frustrating (probably why he came 5 weeks early).
I'm taking your brother to the pumpkin patch today and I am wondering if we will get the call by Halloween.... we have a onesie ready for you in case! And I'm starting my Christmas shopping and wondering if Santa will need to bring two gifts to our house.
Loving you always,
Momma
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Another Dream
Hey My Spud!
I had another dream about you last night. On the one hand, I love dreaming about you when it feels so real. On the other hand, it just makes me miss you more. It is amazing to me how I can miss you, even though we've never met.
In the dream, your Aunt Katie had just had her baby and I was all excited for my new nephew. In the craziness, we got the call from the adoption agency that you had found us. I was so overwhelmed that I forgot to ask for any details. Later, I went to the office to get paperwork and learned that you were a boy, due in early November, from Austin, TX.
Loving you always,
Momma
I had another dream about you last night. On the one hand, I love dreaming about you when it feels so real. On the other hand, it just makes me miss you more. It is amazing to me how I can miss you, even though we've never met.
In the dream, your Aunt Katie had just had her baby and I was all excited for my new nephew. In the craziness, we got the call from the adoption agency that you had found us. I was so overwhelmed that I forgot to ask for any details. Later, I went to the office to get paperwork and learned that you were a boy, due in early November, from Austin, TX.
Loving you always,
Momma
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Passing Time
Hey Spud,
7 years ago today, I became "Mrs. Squishy." Your daddy and I had a small wedding that was very "us," and it was one of those perfect days that even if I had a million dollars, I wouldn't change a thing about.
Last night we went out to celebrate. We saw a movie called "50/50" about a young man battling cancer. It was so good, but made me cry and cry and cry. Especially the scenes with his mother. I just kept thinking about you and Squirt and how I want so much to protect you from everything, and yet there are going to be hurts that I can't heal.
After the movie, we went to dinner at Red Lobster, which is mommy & daddy tradition, and just talked, and talked, and talked. We talked a lot about you, of course. We also talked about possibly moving soon and what impact that would have on our family and on finding you.
Waiting for you is extremely difficult. I try to give myself landmarks on the calendar to pass the time. For the last few weeks I've been saying "wouldn't it be awesome for Spud to be born on our anniversary?" Well, unless you plan to enter this world in the next few hours, I'm going to bump it to Thanksgiving. "Wouldn't it be awesome for Spud to be born on Thanksgiving?"
Daddy put in a request to change bases. We've been here over 5 years now and I think we are ready for a change. The problem with moving is that if we do it before you find us, we have to deactivate for a little while. Once we move and get settled in a new house, we will have to do the homestudy process all over again. It stresses me out a bit because I wanted you and your brother to be fairly close in age, but I'm trying to remind myself that "everything happens for a reason" (an expression your daddy hates) and that you will find us when the time and place is right. Maybe we are perfect for a birth mom, but where we live right now is just too far away for her.
I had a dream about you again last night. We have your first name picked out already, but have been a bit stuck on a middle name if you end up being a girl. In my dream last night, it was vitally important that we give you the middle name Brianna. I told Daddy about it this morning and he likes it, so I think that is going on the short list.
Spud, I want to apologize in advance if I don't blog much in the coming weeks. I think I'm just preparing myself for the reality that you might not find us. Mommy's heart just hurts. She wants you sooooo much and just feels helpless right now to do anything. Once you get here and start to grow up, you'll learn that patience is not one of my virtue's. I'm a bit like your brother right now "I want what I want and I want it NOW!" Except, I can't call up the adoption agency and have a temper tantrum to try to bring you home sooner. But believe me, if I thought that would work even the slightest bit, I would do it.
I love you kiddo. I'm trying to stay positive, but if you could go easy on me and find us soon, I'd really appreciate it.
7 years ago today, I became "Mrs. Squishy." Your daddy and I had a small wedding that was very "us," and it was one of those perfect days that even if I had a million dollars, I wouldn't change a thing about.
Last night we went out to celebrate. We saw a movie called "50/50" about a young man battling cancer. It was so good, but made me cry and cry and cry. Especially the scenes with his mother. I just kept thinking about you and Squirt and how I want so much to protect you from everything, and yet there are going to be hurts that I can't heal.
After the movie, we went to dinner at Red Lobster, which is mommy & daddy tradition, and just talked, and talked, and talked. We talked a lot about you, of course. We also talked about possibly moving soon and what impact that would have on our family and on finding you.
Waiting for you is extremely difficult. I try to give myself landmarks on the calendar to pass the time. For the last few weeks I've been saying "wouldn't it be awesome for Spud to be born on our anniversary?" Well, unless you plan to enter this world in the next few hours, I'm going to bump it to Thanksgiving. "Wouldn't it be awesome for Spud to be born on Thanksgiving?"
Daddy put in a request to change bases. We've been here over 5 years now and I think we are ready for a change. The problem with moving is that if we do it before you find us, we have to deactivate for a little while. Once we move and get settled in a new house, we will have to do the homestudy process all over again. It stresses me out a bit because I wanted you and your brother to be fairly close in age, but I'm trying to remind myself that "everything happens for a reason" (an expression your daddy hates) and that you will find us when the time and place is right. Maybe we are perfect for a birth mom, but where we live right now is just too far away for her.
I had a dream about you again last night. We have your first name picked out already, but have been a bit stuck on a middle name if you end up being a girl. In my dream last night, it was vitally important that we give you the middle name Brianna. I told Daddy about it this morning and he likes it, so I think that is going on the short list.
Spud, I want to apologize in advance if I don't blog much in the coming weeks. I think I'm just preparing myself for the reality that you might not find us. Mommy's heart just hurts. She wants you sooooo much and just feels helpless right now to do anything. Once you get here and start to grow up, you'll learn that patience is not one of my virtue's. I'm a bit like your brother right now "I want what I want and I want it NOW!" Except, I can't call up the adoption agency and have a temper tantrum to try to bring you home sooner. But believe me, if I thought that would work even the slightest bit, I would do it.
I love you kiddo. I'm trying to stay positive, but if you could go easy on me and find us soon, I'd really appreciate it.
Monday, October 3, 2011
The other side
The adoption folks will tell you that the best thing to do during this waiting period is just to continue on with your life as normally as possible. Um, that is next to impossible to do, but I understand their point.
I figured that I'd spend a little time today telling you about the other side of my life/what I do while waiting for the phone to ring.
Growing up, I was always very goal oriented and career minded. Whether I was going to be a lawyer or a doctor or a teacher or a chef, I was always sure that I would go to college and have a career. Keep in mind, I said "career," not job. To me a job is something you do to make money. A career is a series of jobs in the same field that you grow in and that fulfills a part of you beyond just a paycheck.
I had a career for a couple of years. And then I married a man in the military and learned that the expression "if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans," is all too true. After a couple of years of jobs to pay the bills, I had the opportunity to restart my career. I spent two years as a college administrator and while it wasn't always glamorous, I felt like I was doing something powerful/making a difference/yadda, yadda, yadda. And then I got pregnant.
I want to be a mommy so much, but I had always pictured myself as a working parent. You know: rush around in the mornings, drop the kid at daycare, come home to lots of hugs and cuddles. Yet, when actually faced with a growing life inside of me, I couldn't do it.
It seems like only yesterday that Squishy and I had dinner at Carino's and talked about my options. If I left my job, money would be tight. But the real deciding factor came down to the damn military. If I worked full-time (and sometimes even more than that) and Squishy was deployed, who would raise Squirt? And so I put in my notice and about 6 weeks before he was born, I left my career.
It would be a lie to say that there isn't a part of me that doesn't miss it. And sometimes I imagine that if I wanted to, I could go back again, but the truth is, my heart/mind have moved on. It is hard to admit to myself that something I wanted so much for so long just doesn't satisfy me any more, but it doesn't.
So without a career, I started thinking about a job. A series of events led me to open a daycare center in my home. There are some things I really like about it, and some things I really hate.
The kids are great and wonderful. But if you have ever spent five minutes with kids, you know that they can also be exhausting. And while it is nice to be earning some money again, the money is pretty pathetic. I love getting hugs and cuddles and hearing the laughter and teaching them. But it is the hardest job I have ever had. I work usually from 6:30-5, with no breaks. Days that I get to eat/go to the bathroom as the urge strikes are slim.
And I'm home all day. I can't go upstairs for safety reasons with the kiddos, so my life has become three rooms. Field trips are fun and great, but trying to get multiple two year olds anywhere is a bit like herding cats.
The hardest part though is that I don't get to go home. When the last daycare kiddo gets picked up, I'm still here, surrounded by toys that need sanitized, meals that need to be prepped for my own family, and an endless list of chores.
It all just leaves me wondering if I'll ever be professional satisfied, or if that is just an impossibility.
I figured that I'd spend a little time today telling you about the other side of my life/what I do while waiting for the phone to ring.
Growing up, I was always very goal oriented and career minded. Whether I was going to be a lawyer or a doctor or a teacher or a chef, I was always sure that I would go to college and have a career. Keep in mind, I said "career," not job. To me a job is something you do to make money. A career is a series of jobs in the same field that you grow in and that fulfills a part of you beyond just a paycheck.
I had a career for a couple of years. And then I married a man in the military and learned that the expression "if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans," is all too true. After a couple of years of jobs to pay the bills, I had the opportunity to restart my career. I spent two years as a college administrator and while it wasn't always glamorous, I felt like I was doing something powerful/making a difference/yadda, yadda, yadda. And then I got pregnant.
I want to be a mommy so much, but I had always pictured myself as a working parent. You know: rush around in the mornings, drop the kid at daycare, come home to lots of hugs and cuddles. Yet, when actually faced with a growing life inside of me, I couldn't do it.
It seems like only yesterday that Squishy and I had dinner at Carino's and talked about my options. If I left my job, money would be tight. But the real deciding factor came down to the damn military. If I worked full-time (and sometimes even more than that) and Squishy was deployed, who would raise Squirt? And so I put in my notice and about 6 weeks before he was born, I left my career.
It would be a lie to say that there isn't a part of me that doesn't miss it. And sometimes I imagine that if I wanted to, I could go back again, but the truth is, my heart/mind have moved on. It is hard to admit to myself that something I wanted so much for so long just doesn't satisfy me any more, but it doesn't.
So without a career, I started thinking about a job. A series of events led me to open a daycare center in my home. There are some things I really like about it, and some things I really hate.
The kids are great and wonderful. But if you have ever spent five minutes with kids, you know that they can also be exhausting. And while it is nice to be earning some money again, the money is pretty pathetic. I love getting hugs and cuddles and hearing the laughter and teaching them. But it is the hardest job I have ever had. I work usually from 6:30-5, with no breaks. Days that I get to eat/go to the bathroom as the urge strikes are slim.
And I'm home all day. I can't go upstairs for safety reasons with the kiddos, so my life has become three rooms. Field trips are fun and great, but trying to get multiple two year olds anywhere is a bit like herding cats.
The hardest part though is that I don't get to go home. When the last daycare kiddo gets picked up, I'm still here, surrounded by toys that need sanitized, meals that need to be prepped for my own family, and an endless list of chores.
It all just leaves me wondering if I'll ever be professional satisfied, or if that is just an impossibility.
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