The Curse of 2012

2012 isn't even half over yet, and I gotta tell you, this is not looking like a good year for me. The last month has seen my life becoming even more stressful and emotional then it was when we lost Zac. I didn't know that it was possible to feel so much pain and confusion.

As I mentioned in my last post, I put our adoption plans on hold. I'm very thankful that I did that before life started spinning me in circles. We are new home owners, which is wonderful, but it brings a new set of responsibilities. Squishy had a medical issue that came up, which was scary and time consuming. Squishy's Dad & Step-mom came for a pre-scheduled visit and his Mom came to help with all the medical craziness. All that aside, the biggest change is yet to come: Squishy has made the decision to leave the military and resume civilian life after 10 years.

My emotions about this are kind of all over the place, so I am turning to you my dear blog. While it is not directly adoption related, I think that any life stuff that happens to us impacts our adoption plans. And as always, if I am blessed with another child, I want that kid to know the struggles and triumphs we had creating our family.

Let me start by saying that I think Squishy getting out of the military is the right decision for Him. He has been through 4 deployments, seen things no one should have to see, and is ready for a change. Since it is ultimately the best decision for him, I know in the long run it is the right decision for our family. It means major changes for all of us, but right now I kind of feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick.

These next couple of paragraphs may come off a little whiny, so I apologize in advance.

The military is our identity. We shop on base, our friends are military, we have military health insurance, and in 10 years we were supposed to start getting a military retirement check. Our life insurance is through the military. Stepping away from the military means recreating a whole lot of the basic support structures. While it is possible and I can do it, I wasn't planning on having to do it. And if you know me at all, getting the rug pulled out from under me does not make me very comfortable (or easy to be around I'm sure).

With Squishy leaving the military and going back to school, I am heading back to full-time work. I have no problem with hardwork. What I do have a problem with is my resume and leaving Squirt. Growing up I had always planned to be a career woman, but when I fell in love with Squishy and had Squirt, that had to change. The particular area of education that I got my masters degree in really required me to move and get a "real" job after graduation. But being married to a military man, that didn't happen. It took me 2 years after graduation and a move to Texas before I landed my first grown-up job. It wasn't perfect (no job is), but it was my job with a real paycheck and benefits and an office. Unfortunately, my job required a lot of long hours and with Squishy's deployment schedule, I had no clue how I could balance all of it with a baby. As I was making the decision, a dear friend told me that I could always restart my career, I couldn't recreate time with my son.

Squirt will be three at the end of summer and I have never for a second regretted the decision. I love, Love, LOVE being a stay at home mom. Sometimes I look at our weeks and I feel like we didn't do anything productive. But then he gives me 15 kisses on his own, since he currently loves to pick numbers and count, and oh I feel like I must be doing something right. After 3 years, with the new house, and my nursery job at the church, I finally felt like I was getting in the groove. I was with Squirt and back working in education, sort of, and things were going to be great.

And now, I have to go back to work. My resume looks like crap. Let's see: fast food, retail, military, education, church receptionist, fast food, retail, care-giver, substitute teacher, weight loss counselor,education, 18 month gap, daycare, church nursery. I can tell people until I'm blue in the face that my short tenure at places was due to moving and having a kid and blah, blah, blah, but the fact is that I look flighty and like I have no clue what I want to do when I grow up. I have a bunch of skills (customer service, organization, blah, blah, blah), but I don't have a clue and/or the confidence on how to market myself.

I've started applying for jobs and realize that even if I were some how able to do some resume magic and build the confidence to land a real job in education (I don't even care at this point what level of education), most real jobs mean working 8-5. That means less time with Squirt.

Okay, I know there are millions of mom's out there that work and only see their kids in the evenings and weekends. Push comes to shove, I'll do it if I have to, but I don't want to. I would much Much MUCH rather work afternoons or evenings or overnights so that I get to maximize my time with him. The problem with that is that most of those jobs are a bit more blue collar. And I'm really not a snob about working retail or fast food (as my resume shows), but there is still an ego thing involved. Fact is I'm 31 years old, I don't know if I have the stamina to be on my feet for 8 hours a day or the desire to come home smelling like grease. But yet my heart is telling me that McDonald's is the right way to go. It has health insurance, flexible hours, and I can still hang out with my crazy kiddo.

I also really don't want to lose my job at the church, which I would need to do if I go back to a "regular" job. I love my co-workers and am so excited for the year ahead. Once again, I think typing it out is giving me my answers.

I have an interview tomorrow at McDonald's, and if they offer it, I think I am going to accept. I will keep applying for other jobs that might be a little bit more fitting (both my sisters work for hotels and I think that might be a more appealing option), but I think until Squirt is a little older, I need to sacrifice my ego a bit and do this. We still have several months of military paychecks coming in, but with me working, we can put more towards the house and the adoption and make a little more of a financial cushion.

Meanwhile, Squishy is applying to schools and I am restarting classes towards my doctorate in June. Maybe in a couple of years we will be able to both find our "dream" jobs and grow up, but for the next couple of years, I think the priority is just going to be on doing what we need to for our family.

Once I am working again and I have a better grasp on our budget and such, we can update our homestudy and our adoption profile and go from there.

And through it all, I find myself going back to my old stand-by: counting my blessings. I know that Squirt is learning a lot from me, but I really hope that I am able to teach him that in even the most trying times he is truly fortunate. I close with a list of things that I am so very Very VERY thankful for.

 Right as Squishy was having so many problems with work, a friend lost her husband "over there," doing the same job Squishy did. People in their line of work get hurt and killed far too often, but this is the first time it really hit close to home for me. Despite all the craziness of the past and the uncertainty of the future, Squishy is by my side. He never has to deploy again. I am so thankful for that.

And when he did get sick, we had health insurance and the right resources to heal him. I am healthy, he is getting healthy, and Squirt is healthy. I hate to even imagine the alternative.

I'm crabby and scared about going back to work, but what a blessing that I can work. I think too often this one gets taken for granted.

I have a roof over my head and I live in a nice house that is (mostly) clean with running water and electricity. I have a closet full of clothes and food in my fridge. This blessing alone reminds me of just how fortunate I am.

I have an incredible support system that truly amazes me every day. I have friends and family that I can call in the middle of the night and people who will drop everything to be here to support me when I need it. I am in awe and speechless over that fact. You all encourage me to be a better friend to those around me.

And finally, I have Squirt. Oh, that child is my reason for everything. He doesn't care what my resume looks like or whether I work at McDonalds or if we live on PB & J's... he just wants to be with his "Ba," (Mom) and that is my primary focus. The rest is just noise.

On Hold

We have placed ourselves "on hold" with the agency for awhile. My brain/heart can only handle so much at a time and right now my focus is on Squishy (he is having some struggles at work) and our current family. The new house is AMAZING, but with it comes new bills and a necessity to overhaul our budget. I've never before in my life paid a water bill or a gas bill, so I am completely clueless as to how to estimate them (I even tried googling "average water bill for our city" and no success).

My heart is just overwhelmed right now. A friend lost her husband who was deployed last weekend. Kind of just feels like a punch to the gut. As wives, we do our best to prepare ourselves, but I just want to run to her and hold her tight. And a co-workers daughter recently got told she has cancer. And the father of two dear friends is in the hospital... this man was a primary male role model for me for many years and my heart is breaking for my "brother and sister," who have enough on their plate.  There is so much bad and sad in the world, that I find myself completely unable to tolerate people who are negative about minor things.

Things were pretty stressful in our house this week and I know it was a combination of stress from the move/overtiredness/and illness. I was very crabby and negative must of the week. I've learned that when I'm in a that kind of mood, I tend to attract more negative things into my life. Or I notice the bad things more. And I let them impact me more. For example, on Thursday, I stopped by the store to buy a get well card for the above mentioned daughter with cancer. Debit card got declined. WHAT?!? It seriously put me in a funk the rest of the day, even after I logged onto our account and got it squared away (we have overdraft protection, so no harm, no foul). It was just a simple mistake since I have been distracted, but I let it eat away at me.

My point is, we all have bad days. We are all allowed bad days. But the key here is "DAYS." I'm so over the people who just complain. I'm tempted to go through my facebook account and if you haven't said anything positive in your last three status updates... DELETE.

Like I said, this week was pretty rough for me. I'm a compulsive planner type and suddenly events happened with Squishy's job that made me question our long term financial future. To put it mildly, I freaked the heck out. But after a few days, I feel in a much better place. Maybe even better than I was before the scary events because I'm in a much deeper place of gratitude.

When I was freaking out on Monday, I did something that I don't think I have ever done: I turned to my dad for guidance first. I usually go to my mom (the 'rents have never been together in my lifetime), but this time, within minutes, I was firing off an e-mail to my dad. God bless that man... he e-mailed me back almost instantly, and e-mailed several times over the course of the next few days to follow up. And on Thursday (the same crappy Thursday above), he left me a voice mail message in which he told me he loved me twice in about 30 seconds. It made a world of difference to me.

Some big lessons/reminders that came out of this week: on our very worst day, Squishy and I still have each other. I take that for granted A LOT. I take him for granted A LOT. But the fact is that life is always going to have struggles, but I am so very thankful that during all of the struggles, I have him as my co-captain. We have an incredibly amazing and healthy son. Squirt is a lot of things right now at 2 1/2.... stubborn being the first one that comes to mine. But he is healthy and he is here and he is ours. As I type, the tears start as I think about the friends who don't have that.

I've mentioned it before, but I find great comfort in counting my blessings. Some days I have to start with the very basics: clean air and water. I heard that song "and I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free" the other day. I'm not super uber patriotic and "Go America," but I am completely thankful for the things we have in this country that we so often take for granted. The song says something about how if you woke up and had absolutely nothing but your spouse and kids, you would be thankful to be in America, where starting over is possible.

Sorry this is kind of an all-over the place post... I'm just kind of feeling all over the place inside. It is hard coping with struggles and trying to remain focused on the positives and the basics.

And now, I'm going to get off the computer and go snuggle with that amazing husband of mine and whisper in his ear just how truly appreciative I am of him.

Letting Go

So we bought a house. Super duper excited for this. Unfortunately, in the packing process I'm once again confronted with "baby stuff." I've held on to it since Squirt outgrew it, thinking/hoping/knowing that he'd be a big brother soon. But after 2 disruptions, I'm finding myself letting go of the idea.

I just couldn't bring myself to pack it all up and move it. I didn't know where in the new place I would put it either. Truth is, everytime I look at it, I mourn for Zac.

And so, I am donating it all. I hate that I'm wasting a lot of money and that some of it was gifts to Zac, but I really just can't stand to see it. I figure that maybe items that are bringing me pain can bring joy to someone else.

The realtor was amazed at how efficient I was during the whole process, and I explained to her that it is easy for me to follow orders. If only everything in my life could come with such explicit instructions...

With the move, and it being nearly a year since we got our homestudy completed, we need to update a bunch of security clearances and get a new home visit. It all means time and money. I'm losing my faith. I'm holding on because Squishy still is and I don't have anything against being a mom again, but if he came to me tomorrow and said "I'm okay with Squirt being an only child," I think I would breathe a sigh of relief at this point.

I used to stress about the idea of a hospital call... the "a baby was born, you have 24 hours to come get him/her," because I didn't know how to start planning for that. Now, that is what I hope for. I feel like it would just be a billion times easier on my heart right now to just have that chaos for a few weeks and then bring home a baby, then to get matched again and then just wait. If I was worried about being distant with birth mom #2 after getting burned by the Zac situation, I really don't know what I emotionally have to offer birth mom #3. "Once bitten, twice shy," but what about twice bitten? Scared for life?

This whole process has left me feeling extremely powerless. I feel like walking away would at least be our decision... something we can control.

And meanwhile more and more friends are getting pregnant and having babies. It is such a mixed set of emotions... to be so completely happy for them... especially the first time parents... and yet to be so... jealous? Is that what I am? Am I jealous? I feel like jealousy is such an ugly emotion, but maybe that's what I am. And I just feel guilty, because while I have this amazing toddler, I know there are still so many friends and family struggling to become parents for the first time.... am I being selfish wanting another?

Prayers

Talking about God is kind of a touchy subject in our house. Squishy and I have differing beliefs, so what I type here is simply my opinion, not ours as a couple.

I used to think that if God didn't make things happen the way you wanted them to that He didn't care. I selfishly and ignorantly assume that I knew what was best. It has taken a lot of years for me to come to a place (and believe me, I still struggle) with recognizing that Garth Brooks was right when he sang "some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."

Upon the advice of the adoption agency, we have decided not to move forward with the match. Basically, the birth mom was showing indications of planning to parent. All of our money will be returned and we are once again active, waiting for a match. We told less people this time, and I think by the time we finally get a kiddo, we won't even tell each other!

I sent up a lot of prayers to God about this match. Squishy and I had made the decision that if this baby was born and we didn't get to bring her home that we were going to stop trying. I had meant for God to make sure I got to bring that little girl home, but He knows best. I'm glad that we know now, before we devoted months in getting to know the birth mom and prepping for a baby.

I have to believe with my whole heart that I am meant to be a mommy again. I'm not sure why we are having such a hard time (my mom asked "does this agency ever have successful placements?'), but I'm sure that it is all happening for a reason.

Thank you all for your continued love and support.

Perspective

The last few days I have been in a good place regarding the adoption.

For those that haven't heard, we have been matched again. Please don't make a big deal out of it, since we are keeping it on the down-low. We made such a big deal out of Zac and that got our hearts broken, so this time, we are just trying to go on with our lives. Once bitten, twice shy. If this placement is successful, we will have a whole lifetime to get excited and celebrate.

Meanwhile, we have been in contact with an adoption support group here in town. They meet monthly during the school year and have speakers/panels about various topics. I was able to meet one-on-one with the woman who is organizing the group and I am very thankful and excited to have connect with them. Our first meeting will be in April, when we get to hear from adults that have been adopted. It sounds like the group is a good mix of people who have adopted and who are thinking about and/or trying to adopt, like us. There is also a good mix of foster to adoptions, international, domestic, and private adoptions. I think that long term, it will be really important for us as a family to have connections with other families with adoption experience to help us through some of the unique challenges.

Currently, we have a video camera from the agency that we are using to make a video for our profile. Even though we have been matched again, we were encouraged to still move forward with the video, either to show the birth mom or to put on our profile if we are once again disrupted. Basically we shoot a bunch of footage of us being us and then the agency makes it into a 3 minute video. It is pretty strange since I don't really consider us all that super excited. "Here is us reading books," "here is us at the park." We have the camera until the beginning of April, so I'm trying to plot fun things to film. We have an Easter Egg Hunt coming up at work. And Squirt will start swim lessons the first weekend in April. I just saw on tv that there is a Dinosaur Train event (with a special appearance by Buddy) next weekend, so I might have to drag the family on a road trip for that! The Hubby is going out of town this week for work, so I'm making him take the camera too. I know WHY they are having families make these videos, but honestly, I just feel so uncomfortable on film!

I mentioned work in the above paragraph... I've started working a few days a week at a Mothers Day Out program. It is nice to get out of the house, and make a little money, plus I get to take Squirt with me. I'm a teacher in the 2 & 3 year old classroom. Love the kids! And my co-workers! Very thankful for this opportunity.

When we aren't working, Squishy and I have started house hunting. So exciting and scary! Are we really grown-up enough to buy a house?!? Thanks to pinterest (and basically renting for the last 13 years), I am soooo excited to paint, plant a garden, decorate. We found a couple that we are really interested in, and go back out there tomorrow. Sunny & Squishy: Homeowners. EEK!

Alright, time to get off the computer and clean up the house a bit. I'm hosting our MOPS steering committee meeting this morning. Which means I could have an extra 5 kids and 5 adults coming over in a couple of hours.

Love to you all!

Monday

Sorry that it has been a little while. I've been living a lot "in my head" the past few weeks.

I am trying to move forward, but still feeling so betrayed. I'm trying to balance wanting what is best for Zac with being oh-so-angry at his birth parents. And I'm trying to come to peace with what has happened and what we have lost.

I want to close my eyes and forget that any of this ever happened, just wipe the slate clean. But I also want to remember every second and detail of loving that little baby.

Mostly, I'm just trying to stay busy so that it doesn't hurt.

Tattoo

I knew early in the adoption process that I was going to get a tattoo for our second kiddo. I have a turtle with his name and birth date for Squirt, so it made sense to get one for baby #2. Since we took to calling our adoption dream "Spud," I imagined a Mr. (or Mrs.) Potato Head.

I can't tell you how many times between November 3 when we got the call until January 4 when I put him back in his father's arms I pictured where I would put the Mr. Potato Head and  "Zachary John" and what font. When he was born on Christmas, I thought it would be cute to do a Santa hat.

But when we gave him back, that tattoo no longer seemed right. He wasn't our Spud. Still a hard pill to swallow. Trying to figure out how to move on with the dream of Spud, our adopted child, and still honor this baby boy who was completely loved and perfect.

Squishy and I decided pretty quickly that we still wanted to get tats for our second son. A few weeks ago, he got kind of a gingerbread boy outline and the name Zac.

It has taken me a little bit longer to get mine though. Part of it is trying to find the time, and part of it is that tattoos hurt dang it. But the real reason is that I think I was still holding out hope that maybe, just maybe, they will call and say "it was a mistake, he really is yours." Or maybe, just maybe, I'd wake up and he'd be sleeping next to me and this would have all been a bad dream. But, once again, I have to face the fact that he isn't coming back.

And so tonight, I worked up the courage and got my tattoo. It is simple and small, but a reminder that for a brief and shining moment, I was a mommy of 2. And it carries the hope that I will be again. The dream of Spud 2.0 lives on.

Meanwhile, this evening my college BFF and my grad school BFF both gave birth to baby boy's. They have never met, though I think they would get along smashingly, and were both due on the same day next week. This is baby #2 for both of them. Congratulations my loves! And give those babies lots of kisses from me!

***
It is going to hurt for a long time. My heart will never completely heal; there will always be a Zac shaped hole. But it will be okay.

Apology

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. I think I got kind of bored with the 30 day challenge. Somehow "bullet point your day" just doesn't inspire me. I think the creators should have started out with those topics before going into "tell us about the time you wanted to take your own life." My music preferences just seem kind of lame after talking about my first love.

The last few days have been internally interesting.

I've been watching the tv show "Ruby" on Netflix, and am just about done with the third season. Have you seen this show? It airs on the Style Network and is about a woman on a weight loss journey. She started at over 700 pounds and it deals with her eating disorder. I have long accepted that I have an eating disorder, and have made feeble attempts at working on it. I am a compulsive binge eater, which is an addiction, just like drugs or alcohol. The difference is, I can't abstain from food the way an alcoholic or drug addict can from their drug. I am also a co-dependent. There are many 12 step programs available, but it is very difficult to get "sober," since right now eating comforts me. It is a very sick cycle and one that I worry will eventually have a devastating impact on my health and lifestyle. So the last week or so, I have been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching on that topic.

Another thing that has been on my mind is how people deal with grief. Yesterday, Squishy volunteered at an event here in town. I didn't really know anything about the event or the organization sponsoring it, just that it was some sort of activity for kids with special needs. Squishy called a few minutes after arriving to tell me that the founder of the organization had personally invited Squirt and I to come attend. I was pretty hesitant at first (have I mentioned in this blog that I HATE NEW SITUATIONS AND THE UNKNOWN?), but I am so very thankful that I went.

Basically,  the founder of the organization lost his son several years ago at the age of 6. Throughout his short life, the boy had been very sick and the family had struggled financially, as many families with medically fragile children do. So now, each year around his birthday, they basically through a birthday party/fundraiser. The birthday  party element includes bowling, video games, mini golf and such for kids, both with special needs and without. The fundraiser part raises money to be distributed to other families that need help with children. How amazing is that? To turn a difficult thing like losing your child into not only a celebration for other kids but also a way to give back to others left me truly in awe.

Day 11: Music Shuffle

10 Random Songs from my music player

Tim McGraw "I Like It, I Love It."
I love country music and Tim is just such a favorite in the genre. I saw him in concert my senior (?) year of college and dang he put on a good show. I love the album "Tim McGraw and the Dance Hall Doctors."

Taylor Swift "Love Story"
I am super duper jealous of Taylor Swift. Pretty, talented, famous. This one isn't one of my favorites of her's, but it is cute enough. A lot of her music though cuts right to my heart, especially "Back to December."

John Mellencamp "Check It Out"
Being a midwestern girl, Mellencamp is a must for any playlist. This song holds more meaning to me as I get older, but it also brings back memories of home... it was the theme song for one of the local tv station's morning news program.

Van Halen "Jump"
This a catchy song, but my favorite of theirs is "Right Now." I'm glad that they are touring again, and I would love to see them. I know I am in the minority with this, but I am more Team Sammy.

Huey Lewis & The News "Back in Time"
If you grew up in the 80's, how can you not love Huey Lewis? This one is kind of cheeseball, but so are the Back to the Future movies, so it is all good. When Squishy and I were first dating, we talked about Huey Lewis and he brought over his cassette tapes. I don't think they've been moved from my music collection ever since. I think "Happy to be stuck with you" is a fitting song for our relationship.

3 Doors Down "Here Without You"
Awww, it is bittersweet that this one came up on my list. After we had been dating for a month, the Air Force sent Squishy away to Las Vegas for a month (I know, right, poor baby). It was weird to be away from him for that long, but it was such a blessing for our relationship. We became friends, since all we had was the phone, and it prepared us for deployments. During that month, this became our song.

Beach Boys "California Girls"
I lived in San Diego from about 2 1/2 to 7, thanks to my step-dad's military service. This song reminds me of that time and especially of my sister, K Liz, who was born there. If you don't love the Beach Boys, or at least appreciate them for the feel-good tunes, you should probably reconsider your friendship with me. My fave is def the uber silly "Kokomo."

Phil Collins "You'll be in my heart"
Yes, I love Phil Collins. Surprisingly, I'm not really a big Disney girl. This song, however, MAKES ME CRY... EVERYTIME! Especially now after everything with Zac. Oy! Okay, moving on.

Moody Blues "Nights in White Satin"
Oh the Moodies! When I was a kid on road trips I would have my mom put in her Moody Blues tape because it made me fall asleep. In college, I finally gave them a chance and FELL IN LOVE. Wow! We've seen them in concert together twice. Amazing how good music endures... the stories are still as relevant today as they were in the 60's.

Shakira "Hips Don't Lie"
I am a completely horrible dancer, yet that has never stopped me. The right song and I'm dancing all over the place.

Day 10: First Love and First Kiss

When I saw that this was going to be one of the topics for blogging, I kind of cringed.

First of all, my first kiss was at the age of 17 and totally lame (though at the time I felt on top of the world). I'd prefer to leave that memory buried deep in the recesses of my brain, if you don't mind.

Now, first love. This is a little tougher. What counts? The first time I thought I was in love? The first time I told a boy I loved him? The first time I told a boy and he told me back? Or the first time I was really truly in love?

The first time I thought I was in love I was probably a whole hot 13 years old. I've always really been kind of boy crazy and had bunches of crushes. My journals from my pre-teen and teen years were filled with "xoxo" and dreams of story-book romance. Yet, I didn't actually date until I was out of high school.

I don't know who I first confessed my love to, but I have the icky-feeling-in-my-stomach assumption that it was this boy I was obsessed with throughout high school. God bless his soul, he is one of my dearest friends now and he and his wife (whom I've also known forever) are one of those amazing couples that were just made for each other.

I dated several guys between high school and meeting Squishy that I think I probably thought I loved, and maybe even said as much. Looking back, I think it was more that I wanted them to fall in love with me. All I really imagined about love was that it was about sunshine and happiness, having a partner. I didn't really think about how loving someone means accepting that sometimes it is going to suck.

Squishy and I have been married almost 8 years now and in that time, I have come to realize that love is not a stagnate thing. When you say "I love you," it more means, "I love you now and I want to keep falling in love with you every day forever and ever." The more I learn about Squishy and see him in action, the more experiences (good and bad) that we share together, the more I fall in love with him. The more I see that I couldn't be me without him. And I realize that I have never felt this way, this "love" thing with anyone else.

Day 9: Back to the Future

Just a few days ago I typed about how I imagine my life in 10 years, and I really don't know if I have much to add for "how I imagine my future." I think I mostly just want to keep on this path and keep experiencing life to the fullest. That means appreciating the little joys and recognizing that sometimes life sucks and is going to hurt A LOT.

Of course there is a part of me that hopes I get drop-dead gorgeous, write an international best-seller, get my doctorate and change the course of education, and get to have an approved by Squishy life-time love affair with Peyton Manning.

I think the past 30 years have taught me that I need to not plan or imagine my life too much. Lord knows the plans I have for myself rarely unfold. 15 years ago I was all set to be a lawyer, consumed with my career, and maybe having a family. 10 years ago, I was in college, with no clue what I wanted to be, but convinced I would be a career woman, and maybe have a family. 5 years ago I had a career plan and was married, and desperately wanting a family, but had no plans to do the stay at home mom thing. And now look at me! The idea of having a career and all that being successful requires has zero appeal to me; I'm beyond thrilled that I get to spend all my time with Squirt. Right now I can't imagine changing anything, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Day 8: I can't get no satisfaction...

... though I try, and I try.

Sorry for the random song distraction. Love me some Rolling Stones.

Anywho, today's topic is about a time in my life when I felt the most satisfied. For this moment, we have to travel back in time (about 12 years) and across the globe.

My freshmen year of high school, the district welcomed a new teacher, Ms. D. She had started her adult life in the business world and then decided to go into teaching. It was her first year and she just really made such a difference in my life. While I was blessed to have many teachers that really cared about their students, Ms. D will always have a special place in my heart.

For 3 1/2 years (I graduated high school) I saw her every school day. Early in French 1 it was clear that I was never going to master the language, but she made the class so engaging and fun that I kept at it.

Then she had the crazy idea to take a group of students to France!

For some schools, trips out of the country might not be a big deal, but for us and our school it was HUGE! Getting the school board approval, fundraising, getting passports, all the planning. It consumed probably a year of Ms. D's life and also the lives of the 8 of us that went on the trip.

My memories of that trip are so strange... some moments are so incredibly vivid that it feels like yesterday. And other chunks are so foggy that it doesn't even seem like I lived through it. We spent several days touring Paris, then several days divided up among host families, and then several more days as tourist.

My most satisfied life moment comes from our first few days in Paris, when we visited the Eiffel Tower. While the Eiffel Tower really isn't very representative of what France is, I think that it is probably the most recognized symbol of France... the place that characters in love stories dream of visiting.

The Eiffel Tower had three viewing decks at the time; I'm not sure if the system has changed since our visit. You can pay and ride an elevator straight to the top or you can save money and get some exercise and walk up stairs to the first two levels and then take the elevator to the top, which is what we did. All those stairs, all the laughter. A quick elevator ride and then we were on top of the world.

Even now typing it and reflecting, I get chills about that experience. I had just turned 18, wasn't from a real fancy family or town... I didn't really feel like anybody special. But there I was... at the top of the Eiffel Tower in freakin' Paris, France!

The feelings of accomplishment, the satisfaction of knowing I had set my mind to something and done it. At that point in my life, nothing seriously bad had happened and I had the whole world stretched out in front of me. I was unstoppable. Life was good!

That moment has stayed with me and led to my collection of Eiffel Towers (or "all that France stuff," as a 6 year old girl once commented). I even have a giant Eiffel Tower tat on my back.

Day 7: Zodiac

I'm an Aries and while I don't read my horoscope on a regular basis, I am interested in how astrology works.

Today's topic is to look at my zodiac sign and see how well if fits my personality.

I started out by just googling "all about aries" and found this.Overall, I really think I am a pretty typical Aries.

This line especially describes me: They welcome challenges and will not be diverted from their purpose except by their own impatience, which will surface if they don't get quick results.

My mom always says that I can do anything I set my mind too. One of the areas in my life that doesn't hold true for is my weight, and often times I quit a perfectly good plan simply because I don't end up being 150 pounds overnight.

I am very, Very, VERY impatient. Wishy washy people/situations are sooooo frustrating to me. Just make up your damn mind. There are pros and cons to everything, so just make a decision and lets move forward.

The website I think has a pretty accurate description of my selfishness, both positive and negative, and my interactions with other people. I am very much a "I'll just do it myself" type. My in-laws tell me on a regular basis how independent I am. That's good when handling things like Squishy's deployments, but it can be really bad when people try to help and I lose patience.

Another part of my personality that the Aries definition accurately describes is my straightforwardness. Again, this can be both good and bad. I'd say 99% of time, you know EXACTLY how I feel about you or a situation. I wear my heart on my sleeve and really have no poker face. I think people are either drawn to me for this reason or repulsed by it. Several years ago, I was working with a woman and we got along pretty well, but we weren't super close. One day at a restaurant, she started talking about how she wanted to go on an intense low-carb diet (I believe it required eating only nuts and eggs) to jump start her diet. Most people in this situation would have just smiled and nodded. Not me: I straight up told her I thought this was a bad idea. Most people would have hated me after that, but thankfully she appreciated my candor and is now one of my dearest friends.

One of my favorite parts of astrology is to see how my personality relates to those who share my birthday. If astrology is to be believed, I should share a pretty deep similarity with these folks. In junior high I met a girl who shared my birthday. At the time, I didn't think we could be anymore different... she was Miss Popular and I was, um, not. But in the last couple of years (thank you facebook) she and I have gotten to know each other as adults and it is funny how alike our personalities and views of the world are.

Day 6: 30 Facts About Moi

1. I started this entry by numbering my blog 1-30, just like I used to number my paper before a test in school.

2. I miss school. I started working on my doctorate through a mostly on-line program, but I think that I need the actual interaction/going to class component.

3. I would really love for someone to just give me a complete make-over... tell me the best hair cut and color, which make-up is the best for my face, and help me find all the right clothes.

4. I've had 4 cars in my driving life (14 years)... an acclaim that I bought from my grandpa, a used Saturn, a Kia Rio, and now a mini-van. I'm not really a "car" person... if it gets me and all my stuff from Point A to Point B safely, I'm happy.

5. I am so not a phone person. With the exception of my mom and my high school friends, I just am not good with on the phone chit-chat. So I apologize if you call me and I seem distant or in a hurry to get off the phone. I promise it's not you, it's me.

6. Speaking of my high school friends: they are still some of the coolest people I know. I'd love to move into a house with them (or a commune!) and film a reality show.

7. People like to comment that I am a fast reader. After reading a book, I can tell you the main points and such, but am crappy about remembering little details. This makes rereading books good, but makes school/text books really difficult.

8. I am always in the process of reading at least 1 book (usually more like 3 or 4). If you are ever stuck on what kind of gift to buy me: books, gift cards to book stores, or Amazon Kindle credits will never disappoint.

9. There are just so many books in the world that I want to read, and sometimes I feel guilty doing it, but re-reading an old favorite can just be extremely pleasurable.

10. For stress relief, there is no substitute for a hot bath. Whenever I design my "dream" home in my head, I always start with the bathroom, with a giant whirlpool tub.

11. I always have one hard-core celebrity crush. In the past it has been Chris O'Donnell and Josh Hartnet. Currently, Peyton Manning has my heart.

12. Ha! Just remembered that it was a list with a similar subject that I used to announce my pregnancy on facebook back in early 2009.

13. I really want to move back to the midwest to be closer to family, however, after 5 1/2 years in Texas, I'm pretty sure I would have to hibernate in my house to survive winter.

14. I have HORRIBLE hand-eye coordination. I can SEE things just fine and I KNOW what to do, but making it happen isn't going to happen. This is why sports and crafts are beyond me, regardless of how much I practice or want to improve.

15. Number 14 is kind of a shame because I would love to be the stay at home mom who is super crafty... especially now that I have become addicted to Pinterest.

16. I'm proud of myself for finally reaching the age/maturity level that I can admit that I'm not crafty and not feel inferior to those who are.

17. By my own definition, I'm not a very good stay at home mom. The house usually looks pretty lived in, I suck at clipping/keeping up with coupons, the meals aren't fancy, and I surely don't look like June Cleaver all dolled up. I think it is going to be a life long struggle to let go of the perfectionist attitude and be okay with doing my best, while enjoying what is really at the heart of being a stay at home mom: my family.

18. I'm ashamed to admit that I have worn my wedding regularly since September because my fingers have gotten kind of fat. I can put the rings on, but by the end of the day, my fingers are so sausage like that the rings hurt.

19. I think that I'm going to go get my Zac tattoo this weekend. I've decided on just a small outline of a heart with his name in the middle, probably on my ankle.

20. I would love to have one more meal with my mom and grandparents around the dinner table in the house where I grew up. I don't think I appreciated those times enough, but those are some of my most comforting memories. I really hope my kids grow up with that same experience of connectedness.

21. Blake Shelton's song "The Baby," always makes me ball. It makes me think of my grandma. I've said it before, but she and I really are the same person, just 50 years apart. She and I get each other in a way I can't explain and being away from her is super sucky.

22. My favorite magazine is "People." It takes me just about one hour to read it from cover to cover. I recommend reading it as a study guide for anyone who plays trivia games in order to excel in the "pop culture" categories. (That includes you, Squishy!)

23. My awesome mother-in-law got me a subscription to O magazine and I love it, however, a lot of times, I think some of the ideas presented are wayyyy over my head. I try with every issue to read it from cover to cover and after nearly 2 years have yet to succeed. P.S. With O magazine, I ALWAYS read the last page/column first.

24. When Hubby and I were dating, we had this on-going competition with arcade game "Police Trainer." There was one in the Dairy Queen where we lived in Missouri and we always had to play. It has been years since I have seen one, but I have great memories of the game.

25. I need more friends to play board games with. If you live in the Big Country and enjoy board games, I am accepting applications. Farkle, Yahtzee, Settlers, Monopoly, Trivial Pursuit, Scrabble... you pick your poison.

26. I really, Really, REALLY want my own pool. I love being in the water. I feel like Michael Phelps. Regardless of how slow or uncoordinated I am, swimming makes me feel powerful and strong. And afterwards I feel super duper accomplished.

27. My favorite shirt is this black and white top that belonged to a friend. We were getting ready to go out for the night and the shirt I was wearing had random "I have a 2 year old" ick on it. We ran up to her room, she showed me the top that she never wore anymore and I fell in love. I would wear it every day if it was socially acceptable.

28. Owning my own home terrifies the heck out of me! It just seems like A LOT of responsibility and what if something breaks? And yet... besides Spud 2.0 it is my biggest desire right now.

29. Speaking of homes, my dream is to buy just a giant chunk of land and let people I love build their own homes on it.

30. We have reached the end. *Drum Roll please* The last fact about me for today is that after spending nearly an hour on this silly entry, it is time for a nap!

Day 5: Suicide

When I first saw this topic on the 30 day challenge, I was a bit taken aback. While I know a blog is supposed to be personal, that's just REALLY personal.

I hesitate sometimes on how honest to be with my writing and sharing. In college I had a blog, which I sent a link to my dad to read. He was a bit traumatized and still gives me crap about it. Inviting him to read it was my way of opening up to him, to trying to get to know me. On my mom's side of the family, we share just about everything, so it didn't seem strange to me. My dad is not like that though and it was oversharing for him. After that experience, I'm a bit afraid that someone is going to use my honesty against me.

I try really hard to be an honest and open person for a couple of reasons. 1) Keeping the truth straight is a lot easier than keeping lies straight. 2) Trying to impress people or be someone I'm not, requires a lot more energy than I am willing to put into things. And 3) I have an amazing network of people who love me for who I am, and I appreciate them more than I could ever express. They deserve my honesty.

So occasionally, I overshare. I wear my heart on my sleeve. In the case of our recent adoption drama, it hurts like hell to have everyone know everything. But in the end, I really feel like the best approach for myself and for my life is to just be who I am. So I apologize if my oversharing is uncomfortable for you.

Alright, today's topic is about "a time when you thought about ending your life." I would say that I have never been officially suicidal. I've never made a detailed plan or started giving my stuff away. I have been severely depressed in the past and thought about how I could kill myself and whether or not that was the best way out of my drama. Several things have always held me back. When I was younger, it was my brother and sister. They are 4 and 5 years younger than me and had a rough childhood dealing with our parents divorce. I always thought of them in my darkest moments and thought, "the last thing they need is a sister that committed suicide."

I think that there is still a lot of stigma about depression. I am by no means an expert, all I can talk about is my personal experience.

I consider depression a long-term illness, like diabetes. I can manage the symptoms and have a relatively normal life, but it doesn't ever go away.

My depression started around the age of 17. Looking back, I just kind of went wacky and started acting in ways that weren't in-line with my normal behavior. I think a lot of it got written off by myself and my family as just teenage angst and a reaction to life circumstances. It continued on into college where I learned to self-medicate with alcohol, relationships, and food.

It was in college that I first started going to therapy. I had a great counselor who really helped me address some of my "issues."

In grad school, I was put on anti-depressants for the first time. The way it was explained to me was that all the talk therapy in the world wasn't going to help me if my brain chemicals weren't ready to receive the message. I took the meds for a brief time, but the cost and stigma led me to quit pretty quickly.

It was the summer of 2008 when my body finally said "we need to deal with this." Squishy was deployed and I can vividly remember having a freak out session in the middle of the night. I call it a panic attack. I don't know what provoked it, but for awhile, it seemed like the room had no air and nothing I could do could calm me down... my brain just freaked out. The next day I got into mental health on base and started on my meds.

I had an AMAZING therapist who helped me out tremendously. Between the techniques she taught me and the drugs, my life really started improving. It is actually really hard for me to look back on the time before then because I'm very ashamed of the person that I was. I was negative and selfish and generally, not a really fun or nice person to be around. To any of you that are reading this that were hurt by my actions, I officially apologize.

During my pregnancy, my first OB felt it would be better for Squirt if I went off of my anti-depressants. Big mistake! Those were a rough couple of weeks and again I apologize to anyone that had to put up with me. I was a hot mess! My dear friend helped me see that I needed to get back into counseling and on my meds. With much support, I changed to a doctor that was comfortable with me being on anti-depressants, though she did have me change to an older, more well studied drug.. Prozac.

I had a lot of internal struggle with that. Prozac?!? Isn't that for really crazy people? But for me it has been a life saver.

One big thing I have learned over the years is that I have to stay on my medication. Before I left in December for the adoption craziness, I had trouble getting a refill. I should have fought harder with the docs/pharmacy, but I didn't, so I just left and went several weeks without. EEK! Talk about bad news bears! Thankfully, Squishy was able to get my refill and bring it to me right before Christmas. When you have been depressed and start feeling better, it is easy to think that you can go off the meds and just keep feeling better. It doesn't always work like that.

Going through the adoption process, my depression raised some red flags during the homestudy process. Truth is, because of my struggles with depression and the amazing support system (medication, talk therapy when a crisis occurs, and better coping skills) I have in place, I think that I am better able to cope with the ups and downs of life than most people.

Phew! That was a lot, huh?

Twice in the last 12 hours I have received completely out of the blue notes about what a good person I seem to be and such. I don't see myself that way, but I am so grateful for the support. I have worked really hard over the last few years to get my depression under control and be the kind of woman that I can look in the mirror and be proud of.

If anyone who is reading this is struggling with depression, I strongly urge you to get help. I know that it can be super scary to make that initial appointment. I can call for you or go and hold your hand. And I know that when they prescribe a medication, it can be embarrassing, but just know that you are in good company. And please, Please, PLEASE... if your doctor does prescribe medication and you start feeling better, please don't stop taking it until you talk to your doctor.

And lastly, if you are struggling with depression, I am sending you a big hug and letting you know that the world can be pretty great once you get help.

Day 4: Views on Religion

A bit of a disclaimer first: I think everyone who reads this is going to differ in opinion from me, and I think that is okay. I am in no way saying that I am right, in fact I am admitting that religion/spirituality is something I struggle with. But it is a PERSONAL struggle, so please, Please, PLEASE do not preach at me.

I believe in a Higher Power, that something beyond my comprehension is overseeing this world and system of things. After that, I'm not really sure about anything.

I want to believe in some sort of after life, especially because I want to think my Grandpa is still watching over me and is seeing how my life plays out.

I do believe that suffering is real, which I struggle with A LOT. Whether that is a result of the Devil or just a limit on the Higher Powers ability, I have no clue.

I do pray, but it is more like meditation... and I always start with counting my blessings, and then asking for guidance on what I am struggling with.

I have no problem with prayer before meals and things, but I get annoyed by prayer before things like football games.

The Bible has a lot of powerful lessons, but the one that I am most committed to is "LOVE." I'm pretty open-minded and liberal. I make a bunch of mistakes and so I don't think I am in any position to judge anyone else. On that same note, I absolutely cannot wrap my brain around ANY KILLING in the name of God. I don't care how strong your beliefs are or how much someone disagrees with you... MURDER IS WRONG.

Now that I am a parent, the questions have become a lot harder to answer and I am constantly thinking about what I will teach Squirt and Spud 2.0. We do not currently go to church as a family, but I would like to. I think that having a "church home" (as they say a lot down here in the south) is important for networking and support. I want to make sure my kids are aware of the Bible and what it is about, because I think knowing that is critical to being considered "well educated." But I also plan to teach them about other belief systems because I think those are just as important. Ideally, I want my kids to think and explore and make their own opinions. I guess to me, "religious freedom" is highly important.

Day 3: My Views on Drugs and Alcohol

Hmmm...not really sure I feel inspired by this topic.

I've never done drugs. Couple reasons: I am totally that girl that was always paranoid about getting caught and just knew that the one time I took the risk, I'd be thrown in jail and be the one the judge wanted to make an example out of. Pair that with the look on my mother's face, and totally not worth whatever impact the drug was supposed to have. Next, I have an addictive personality and tend to get attached to things (especially bad for me things) wayyyy too easily.

If you smoke pot, that is your choice, but I try very hard not to be in a car or home where I know illegal drugs are present. I'm not in any place to personally pass judgement on your decisions, but at the end of the day, the law says it is wrong.

I'll even go as far as to say that I think the government would be better legalizing marijuana, but it hasn't, so it is still illegal.

I do drink and have since about a week before I turned 18. These days I rarely drink because I just don't much understand the point. I am on medication that makes drinking a bad idea. It is a lot of excess calories that my hips don't need. And being a mom, the consequences of drinking really aren't worth it; I mean taking care of a 2 year old is exhausting enough on my best days... sleep deprived with a hangover would just be yucky.

When I do drink, I like girly drinks... pina coladas, mudslides. I will drink the occasional margarita, but tequila and I are not really friends. I'll have a beer or glass of wine, but they don't really taste good to me, so for the most part I just use those two beverages for cooking.

And that's your extremely blah post for today.

Day 2: Where I'd Like to be in 10 Years

By 2022 our lives will look very different, if only because Squishy will most likely have just retired from the military. We will be able to live where we want! No more deployments!

Right now I do the stay at home mom thing, but I told Squishy that when he retires, I will go back to work if he wants to take a few years off and stay home with the kids.

Honestly, I don't really see much of my day-to-day life changing until that time, when I have more time to pursue my own education and possibly re-examine the career thing. I'd like to get back in school, but I'm not exactly sure in what field. I had started my doctorate, but that is A LOT of commitment if I don't really plan to do anything with it. Truth be told, now that I am typing it out, I think I would like to be a substitute teacher again. It gets me into the classroom, which I love, but still gives me the freedom to travel, be home with my family when I want, and do that sort of thing.

In 10 years I'll be 40. Wow! That is painful to type. It wasn't too long ago that 30 seemed ridiculously old, so the idea that in a blink of an eye I'll be 40 is a hard pill to swallow. Hopefully at 40 I will look amazing. Isn't that every one's dream? I'd love to be the 40 year old that all of Squishy's friends think is 27!

In 10 years, Squirt will be 12. Now that is hard to wrap my brain around! And hopefully, we will have another kiddo too. If it is still going well, they will be being homeschooled.

I guess the bottom line is that I am really happy with my life right now. The majority of my time is spent doing what I love with my friends and family. I hope that doesn't change and only improves over the next 10 years.

Blog Challenge/Day 1/Current Relationship

I need to start writing again, and I figured this was a good way to start.

My current relationship is the theme for today.

Squishy and I met in August of 2003, on an internet dating site. I had just moved to Missouri for grad school and he'd been there for a few months with the military. We had our first date in September, were engaged the following June, moved in together in August, and married October 9, 2004.

Depending on the characteristics you want to talk about, we are either completely different or very much the same. Our core values are pretty much the same, which is what makes our family so strong. As far as how we see the world, what motivates us, and how we spend our time, we are like night and day. In the early parts of our relationship, and occasionally to this day, that can be a big challenge to overcome. Yet, I think most days we realize that our differences balance us out and that together we are FAR better than we are individually.

Squishy is incredibly smart (like just tried out for Jeopardy smart) and has a near photographic memory. The way his brain works is just so dang sexy to me and leaves me in awe. He is also incredibly brave (anyone who has served 4 tours overseas has to be) and has an amazing sense of patriotism.

The thing that I love most about our relationship is that we really are best friends. It sounds cliche, but it is true. If our marriage ever ended, I still think we'd be there for each other for all the good and bad.

The older I get, and the longer I've been married, the more I see that most days of marriage are pretty routine. Go to work, clean house, take care of the kids. Some days however are the darkest levels of hell you can imagine, and it is then when you need each other the most. And then some days, all the stars align and you get to experience a joy that is beyond your wildest dreams, and it is all thanks to the hard work you two have put in previously.

Happy One Month Birthday!

A few posts ago, I copied a quote from Elizabeth Edwards about losing someone. She said it isn't just about missing the individual, but the loss of all those hopes & dreams you had for them.

Truth is, I didn't get to know Zac for very long. He was only 10 days old when we handed him back, and he'd only really been with us for 8 of those days. So the things I miss about him are limited, but the hopes and dreams I had for him are a lot more powerful.

I wish that today we were taking his one month pictures and posting them on facebook so that Aunt Katie could make a collage of the babies 1 month pics.

I wonder if he has outgrown his newborn clothes yet. He was sooo tiny that I could imagine him still wearing those first outfits.

Happy One Month Birthday Baby Boy!

Looking Forward

I am not a spontaneous person. Two main reasons: I'm not genetically wired to be spontaneous AND Every time I do something spontaneous it ends up being expensive, stupid, and kinda stressful.

By nature, I am a planner. During Squishy's first two deployments, we spent the entire time apart planning dream vacations. Where to go? What to do? How to pay for it? When to go? The two trips we ended up taking in 2008 and 2009 were amazing, but by the time they actually arrived, I needed the vacation just to unwind from all the planning!

So the last few weeks have been, um, stressful. Last week I was checking out a local organization's on-line fundraising auction and stumbled upon a cruise package. A few clicks later, I had bid on the cruise. I didn't research it, I didn't run it by Squishy.. nothing, I just bid.

And then I spent a few days stressing because I didn't research, I didn't run it by Squishy... nothing. EEK!

I kept hoping that someone would outbid me and relieve my guilt, but that didn't happen. So Sunday morning, I had to confess to Squishy "hey, I spent some money" and "we are going on a cruise!"

God bless my husband, he wasn't mad at me at all. Truth be told, I think we both just need something non-adoption related to get excited about. And everything was planned for us... the dates, the departure city, the ports of call, even the cabin type. And since we already have our passports, basically we just need to throw some swimsuits in a bag and show up for 7 days of relaxation. And if he hadn't already been sold, he was def okay with it after I mentioned that one of the optional shore excursions is "horsebacking to Mayan ruins."

While we could have taken Squirt with us, an amazing family here in town, has agreed to take our child. He'll get his turn next year when we are planning a Disney cruise with our best friends. So for 7 days it will just be the hubby and I. We can have romantic meals by candlelight, stay up late at the karaoke bar, sleep in late, spend our days reading by the pool. And there is so much to do on the ship that I can't wait to try... a 2 story mini-golf course and waterslides! Plus, our last cruise had all sorts of great shows, a casino, and a spa. I'm so tempted to get a job a few nights a week just to pay for all the fun extra stuff.

So in 7 1/2 months I'm going on a cruise!!! It is still a long ways off, but I'm so excited, I just keep bouncing up and down and smiling when I think about it.

My main goal between now and then is to lose some weight. I had Squishy take some before photos of me yesterday and I promise, no one wants to see that in a bathing suit! I promise to post the before pics in a few months, when I also have some more encouraging AFTER pics to go with. ;) Is anyone else on the weight loss quest? If you live nearby, I'm always looking for a walking buddy. And if you don't live nearby, I'm always up for exchanging food journal e-mails or text messaging encouragement!

***
In adoption news, we got an e-mail yesterday that we have been pre-approved by a different agency. They require us to attend an all-day info session and then buy an application. The whole idea of switching agencies really makes me sick, because I feel like it says that I screwed up by picking our first agency. But overall, I really like our first agency.

If you have never looked into adoption, there are about a bazillion different ways that you can adopt a child from open adoption to international to foster care. After sorting through that, you need to figure out if you want to go through an agency or a lawyer. And then each agency has their own rules/time lines/ways of doing things.

For example, if we had gone with this new agency to begin with, they apparently have a lot longer wait for African American babies (the e-mail I got yesterday says up to 2 years!). Also, they do open adoptions, but would never have let it start out as open as we were with Zac's parents (no exchanging numbers in the beginning and so forth). And they apparently won't release a baby to the adoptive parents until the paperwork is signed, meaning in our case, Zac would have gone to foster care.

Overall, it sounds like this second agency is a lot more Adoptive Parent friendly, but I'm just not sure if watching out for us is the best thing for Spud 2.0.

And it might be laziness on my part, but I'm not sure I want to start all over reading another agencies manuals, learning their system, and creating another profile.

I was ready to reactivate right away and get our profile back out their for birth mom's, but Squishy needed more time, which I completely understood. The problem is, the longer we are inactive and not doing anything, the longer my brain has to question everything, and that's never a good thing.

***
In other news, Squirt and I joined "MOPS" (Mothers of Preschoolers) yesterday. I had never heard of this group until I moved to Texas and a girlfriend (Love you KP!) and I went out for coffee and spotted a group and she described them to me. Back then, I was kid free and the children seemed like holy terrors and I was a bit judgemental. Now that I have my own child, I realize the absolute need for parents (especially stay at home parents) to have a few minutes of adult time. So off to MOPS we went.

At first Squirt was not happy with me leaving him in a room full of strange kids and 2 unknown caregivers, but a few minutes in, he was absolutely fine. Squirt is a lot like me... in a small group, he is very personable and all smiles. In a crowd, he just gets overwhelmed and would much rather leave and miss out on the fun than have to deal with a bunch of people in his face.

While he was in the kids room playing (when I picked him up, there were toys everywhere, Veggie Tales on a tv, and one of the adults was leading a round of "head, shoulders, knees and toes"), I got adult time. I knew I would enjoy myself when I walked in and saw a Keurig set up (caffeine makes everything better). I chatted with some new folks, played a few games (one of which scored me a new novel), and listened to a few guest speakers talk about photography and dealing with change.

The group meets twice a month during the school year and is exceptionally cheap to participate in because it is a military MOPS group. For my fellow mommy friends that might be interested in joining MOPS near them, I do feel the need to point out that it is a Christian organization, so there was some prayers and Bible quotes, but nothing that I found too preachy.

4 Weeks

4 weeks ago this morning I met Zac. We (mostly Squishy) had driven all night and arrived at the hospital shortly before 5am. Zac was just 8 hours old and sooooo tiny.

It is still hard to accept what happened. None of it makes sense, and I imagine never will. Most of the time, I am a fighter, I make a plan and go after what I want. And in most things, if I work really hard, I don't fail. So there is an extra layer of bad feelings, knowing that no matter what I do, I am most likely never going to see my baby again.

Squishy hates the expression "everything happens for a reason," but most of my life I have clung to it for comfort. I don't necessarily think that bad stuff happens on purpose so that something better will come along, but I think that when bad stuff happens, we are given an opportunity to grow. I hate, Hate, HATE that I'm not rocking my baby right now, but I have to believe that I am going to come out of this experience a better human being. I have to believe that this hurt isn't just for nothing. I need to learn from this, grow from this, and more appreciate the gifts I am given.

Whenever I get a chance, I go walking with one of my dear friends. We walk and talk, and I swear, it is the best therapy I have ever had. I am so in awe of this woman, who has truly become a sister to me, and after each meeting with her, I find myself forced to thank the universe for connecting us. Life is hard and life is sucky, but damn I drew a good hand when it came to being surrounded by family and friends. All I can hope is that when I "grow up," I am able to take the love and support I have been given and shine that light on to those around me.

Being 30 has been the best year of my life emotionally. Yes, there have been hard things, but for the first time in my life, I feel comfortable in my skin. I feel unafraid of being myself, with all my warts, and scars. And I'm emotionally strong enough to cut ties with people that bring me down. Life is too short to be surrounded by anything less than the best. I don't want to play "the game," anymore... I don't want to smile and nod and go along with the popular opinion. I want to follow my heart.

I have so many wonderful people in my life and I'm never sure how to thank them enough. My biological family is amazing and crazy and I love them to pieces. My in-laws defy every in-law stereo-type there is. And my friends are just so important to me. I want to list everyone that I am thankful for here, but I feel it would be an extremely long list and an invasion of their privacy. But please, Please, PLEASE know that I am in awe of you.

Squirt is so lucky to be being raised in this community of love and support and I know that when Spud 2.0 finally joins us, they will be just as lucky to have so many fans.

Feeling blessed and finding the rainbows among the clouds,
Sunny

I Cried This Morning

In the fall I had a small at-home daycare business. I got to know some amazing kids and their families. But boy was it A LOT of work!

Two of my kiddos were twins, A & I. I had them some mornings and after school. I'd be lying if I said I didn't fall head over heels in love with them. First off, they are just gorgeous little boys... A has blue eyes that melt your heart. And talk about sweet kids... the smiles when they saw me each day, the hugs... oh! pure love!

A & I, and several of my other daycare kiddos, were with me on November 3, when I got the call about Zac. I was so giddy excited and tried to explain as best I could to 4 year olds that I was having a baby.

Squishy and I spent a lot of time wondering what Zac would look like and often hoped that he would be half as cute as A or I.

One of my big concerns about raising a biracial baby was hair care. I know that sounds silly, but I've been exposed to enough black hair to know that it needs to be cared for differently, but I'm pretty clueless as to how.

This morning I got to watch the boys for a little while and take them to school. I hadn't realized how much I had missed them until they were curled up on my couch. I noticed that A's hair is getting long and curly, which I hadn't seen before.

As they sat watching cartoons, I sat behind them at the table and silently cried for Zac. I was so excited to have A & I in Zac's life as role-models and I know by watching how they interact with Squirt that they would have loved Zac and taken great care of him. And it just broke my heart that Zac is missing out on knowing these two great little boys.

***
Last night Squishy and I were talking about trying this whole thing again.

The idea of doing another open adoption scares the bejesus out of me. But I still believe that having a relationship with the birth parents is best for Spud 2.0. I can't let me fear of getting hurt again prevent me from doing what I think is best for my child. So, while we will most likely be very cautious the next go round, I really think we will still approach adoption the same way we did with Zac.

I just keep telling myself that while the ending completely sucked, I feel like I did everything right when it came to Zac. I was open and honest with his birth mom and gave my heart because that's what was best for him. If he was home with us now, I'd want her to be able to text to check in when she needed to.

I am still so mad about how it ended, but I don't have regrets.

From "Saving Graces" by Elizabeth Edwards

I have a lot of respect for Elizabeth Edwards. She handled her cancer with such dignity and I think acted with amazing grace when her husband turned out to be a lying, cheating, scum.

In December I got a copy of her book, "Saving Graces" through paperbackswap.com (if you haven't discovered this fantastic site, I recommend it). I started reading it, but didn't really give it much thought with all the craziness of Zac coming.

I picked it up again the other night, remembering that she lost her son, Wade, when he was 16. The chapters dealing with his death are profound and moving. Her words humble me.

The following is a message she wrote to a woman grieving the loss of her fiance. For some reason they really touched me and seemed like Elizabeth was speaking directly to me. I wanted to share them, since they brought me some comfort.

Grief is a long process of untangling ourselves from the physical reality of the person and from our expectations of our future with them. You will not, I imagine, decide one day that it is time, that you are ready, and then go out and find someone. You certainly won't do so because someone else, even someone with the best intentions like your mother, has decided it is time. It happens the other way, I suspect: you will instead discover-some day in the future-that you have made a new emotional connection. Then you will know that you have been ready for someone else in your life. I am the mother of a dead son and a living daughter. As the mother of a dead boy, I want to tell you to keep Bill's memory a part of your life, but recognize, as much as it hurts, that it is but memory, that he is dead. As the mother of a living daughter, I want to tell you that you do not have to serve the memory to honor it; you honor him more by valuing the fullness of life.

...

Dear Zac,
I miss you. Night time is really hard for me. I keep busy during the day and everything almost seems okay. And then it gets dark outside, the day winds down, your brother heads to bed, and the harsh reality of the situation slaps me in the face.

I miss you. I look at your pictures... your beautiful face, your long fingers, your big feet... and I wonder how much you have changed in the last few weeks.

Your aunts and uncles post pictures and videos of your cousins and I just feel so torn. I love those boys so much and am just so happy, but it breaks my heart too. I wanted you to grow up with them. I wanted the 2011 boys.

I filled out an application for another adoption agency today. I don't know what to do Zac. There were so many reasons that we made the timing of you the way we did and those reasons haven't changed. But I just don't know if I am ready. But they say if you wait until you are ready to have kids, you never will.

I guess I don't really have anything profound to say. I guess I just hope that by typing this message out and sending it into cyberspace that maybe, just maybe, you can still feel my love.

Still wishing I was,
Momma

Pros and Cons

I'm ready to start trying again right away for a baby, Squishy isn't there yet. I don't think either of us is right or wrong, it is just another example of how we cope with our emotions differently.

When we are ready to try again, there are so many things to figure out. Do we stay with the same agency or start over with a new one?

And when we get matched again, do we still get all excited again or do we just tell the people that need to know?

One of my dear friends had a miscarriage awhile back and I remember her talking about how when women first find out that they are pregnant there is this internal debate about wanting to tell everyone and wanting to hold off, just in case.

I don't think I would have wanted to do anything differently with Zac... I'm glad that other people were excited about him and that he was so loved for those last few weeks he was in the womb and his first week of life. But I don't know about next time.

If we reactive right away, does that send the message that Zac wasn't important to us? I hope not.

From Nov 3 (the day we got matched) until Jan 4, he was my son. I was a mommy of 2. But how do I tell people that?

Pictures

This is the only picture I have of all four of us, taken on my Aunt's cell phone. Trying to get a newborn and an energetic 2 1/2 year old to take a picture was crazy hard. I figured there would be plenty of time for family photos.

Look at my beautiful boy! He has the most amazing gray eyes. And his lips are so cute... the bottom one is full and the top one is this perfect heart shape. It makes my heart break that those beautiful eyes will never look at me with recognition and that those lips will never give me slobbery kisses.

This is my favorite picture of my baby boy. We took a bath together and then Daddy wrapped him in a towel. His hands were always up by his face, but this was the first time he managed to get that thumb in his mouth.

Life may have taken you from my arms and changed your name, but in my heart you will always be my Zachary John. I love you little boy, even if you will never know it.

I need some direction

For those of you that follow the blog, but haven't heard: last Wednesday, Zac's dad decided that he couldn't go through with the adoption plan and wanted to parent. We had to give him back.

Throughout the adoption process there were plenty of books and such to read about what to do and how to cope. Now I am feeling lost and sort of directionless.

I know some of you have questions and such, and one day I will have the strength to write about it all, but for now, I just want to say thank you for the love and encouragement.

I am trying to figure out how to move forward. When I started this blog it was supposed to be a journal of sorts for our baby, and maybe it still is. I think we are both committed to trying again, but I don't know what that will look like. Do we try right away or wait? Do we stick with the agency or switch?

When we first had to give Zac back, I couldn't stand to look at his stuff. I left a big pile on the bed of the hotel and asked the staff to donate what they could and throw away the rest. I will forever be thankful for the staff at the Bethlehem, PA Courtyard by Marriott for their amazing support during the week and a half we were there.

Right after handing him over, Squishy drove all night to get us back to his hometown. His mom met us at his Grandpa's house, and my mom was there a few hours later. There, I had to face more baby stuff. I've decided to make a memory box of Zac specific stuff, like his personalized baby blanket and the birth announcement that Squishy's cousin created for us. For now, all that stuff, and other baby stuff that was purchased for Zac but never used, is in the spare room at his Grandpa's. I'll get it in a few months when I'm stronger.

We got home late last night, which was both good and bad. It was nice to be back in our space after being gone for over a month, but hard to face home that was prepped to welcome a new baby.

My next project is to work on thank you notes for all the amazing gifts Zac got. Anything that is Zac specific is being packed up in the memory box. The other stuff that can be used will be packed up for the next kiddo.

It is going to suck and be hard for a long time, but it will be okay.

... and so it goes

There is a Billy Joel song that I haven't thought of in years that suddenly popped into my head when I started to write this blog. The lyrics are at the end... sorry that they aren't formatted nice & neat.

On Christmas Day I was at Grandpa's family celebration when I got the call the Tummy Mommy's water had broken and that it was go time. We rushed back to Grandpa's house, packed up the van, and hit the road. While we were driving somewhere in Ohio, our little Spud entered the world. He is officially a Christmas baby!

We arrived in town about 4:30am and went straight to the hospital to see him. We only stayed a few minutes and then collapsed at a nearby hotel. My amazing Aunt arrived a few hours later to watch Squirt while we headed back to the hospital.

That was last Monday and the week since has been a blur of drama, stress and emotion. Not really sure if right now I have the energy or desire to describe it all. But where we are right now is that he is with us at the hotel, we haven't been able to leave town, tummy mommy has signed the paperwork and wants us to parent, we are waiting on a dna test, but probable daddy wants to parent at this point.

I'm struggling to bond with Spud...not because he isn't cute and a good baby or that I don't love him, but because there is a really good chance that in a few days, I'm going to have to just hand him over and walk away.

I love him so much and I want him so bad. My friends and loved ones are being amazingly supportive, but I'm just lost.

I'm just sick to my stomach over this.

***


In every heart there is a room A sanctuary safe and strong To heal the wounds from lover's past Until a new one comes along
I spoke to you in cautious tones You answered me with no pretense And still I feel I said too much My silence is my self defense
And every time I've held a rose It seems I only felt the thorns And so it goes and so it goes And so will you soon, I suppose
But if my silence made you leave Then that would be my worst mistake So I will share this room with you And you can have this heart to break
And this is why my eyes are closed It's just as well for all I've seen And so it goes and so it goes And you're the only one who knows
So I would choose to be with you That's if the choice were mine to make But you can make decisions too And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes and so it goes And you're the only one who knows