Tattoo

I knew early in the adoption process that I was going to get a tattoo for our second kiddo. I have a turtle with his name and birth date for Squirt, so it made sense to get one for baby #2. Since we took to calling our adoption dream "Spud," I imagined a Mr. (or Mrs.) Potato Head.

I can't tell you how many times between November 3 when we got the call until January 4 when I put him back in his father's arms I pictured where I would put the Mr. Potato Head and  "Zachary John" and what font. When he was born on Christmas, I thought it would be cute to do a Santa hat.

But when we gave him back, that tattoo no longer seemed right. He wasn't our Spud. Still a hard pill to swallow. Trying to figure out how to move on with the dream of Spud, our adopted child, and still honor this baby boy who was completely loved and perfect.

Squishy and I decided pretty quickly that we still wanted to get tats for our second son. A few weeks ago, he got kind of a gingerbread boy outline and the name Zac.

It has taken me a little bit longer to get mine though. Part of it is trying to find the time, and part of it is that tattoos hurt dang it. But the real reason is that I think I was still holding out hope that maybe, just maybe, they will call and say "it was a mistake, he really is yours." Or maybe, just maybe, I'd wake up and he'd be sleeping next to me and this would have all been a bad dream. But, once again, I have to face the fact that he isn't coming back.

And so tonight, I worked up the courage and got my tattoo. It is simple and small, but a reminder that for a brief and shining moment, I was a mommy of 2. And it carries the hope that I will be again. The dream of Spud 2.0 lives on.

Meanwhile, this evening my college BFF and my grad school BFF both gave birth to baby boy's. They have never met, though I think they would get along smashingly, and were both due on the same day next week. This is baby #2 for both of them. Congratulations my loves! And give those babies lots of kisses from me!

***
It is going to hurt for a long time. My heart will never completely heal; there will always be a Zac shaped hole. But it will be okay.

Apology

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. I think I got kind of bored with the 30 day challenge. Somehow "bullet point your day" just doesn't inspire me. I think the creators should have started out with those topics before going into "tell us about the time you wanted to take your own life." My music preferences just seem kind of lame after talking about my first love.

The last few days have been internally interesting.

I've been watching the tv show "Ruby" on Netflix, and am just about done with the third season. Have you seen this show? It airs on the Style Network and is about a woman on a weight loss journey. She started at over 700 pounds and it deals with her eating disorder. I have long accepted that I have an eating disorder, and have made feeble attempts at working on it. I am a compulsive binge eater, which is an addiction, just like drugs or alcohol. The difference is, I can't abstain from food the way an alcoholic or drug addict can from their drug. I am also a co-dependent. There are many 12 step programs available, but it is very difficult to get "sober," since right now eating comforts me. It is a very sick cycle and one that I worry will eventually have a devastating impact on my health and lifestyle. So the last week or so, I have been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching on that topic.

Another thing that has been on my mind is how people deal with grief. Yesterday, Squishy volunteered at an event here in town. I didn't really know anything about the event or the organization sponsoring it, just that it was some sort of activity for kids with special needs. Squishy called a few minutes after arriving to tell me that the founder of the organization had personally invited Squirt and I to come attend. I was pretty hesitant at first (have I mentioned in this blog that I HATE NEW SITUATIONS AND THE UNKNOWN?), but I am so very thankful that I went.

Basically,  the founder of the organization lost his son several years ago at the age of 6. Throughout his short life, the boy had been very sick and the family had struggled financially, as many families with medically fragile children do. So now, each year around his birthday, they basically through a birthday party/fundraiser. The birthday  party element includes bowling, video games, mini golf and such for kids, both with special needs and without. The fundraiser part raises money to be distributed to other families that need help with children. How amazing is that? To turn a difficult thing like losing your child into not only a celebration for other kids but also a way to give back to others left me truly in awe.

Day 11: Music Shuffle

10 Random Songs from my music player

Tim McGraw "I Like It, I Love It."
I love country music and Tim is just such a favorite in the genre. I saw him in concert my senior (?) year of college and dang he put on a good show. I love the album "Tim McGraw and the Dance Hall Doctors."

Taylor Swift "Love Story"
I am super duper jealous of Taylor Swift. Pretty, talented, famous. This one isn't one of my favorites of her's, but it is cute enough. A lot of her music though cuts right to my heart, especially "Back to December."

John Mellencamp "Check It Out"
Being a midwestern girl, Mellencamp is a must for any playlist. This song holds more meaning to me as I get older, but it also brings back memories of home... it was the theme song for one of the local tv station's morning news program.

Van Halen "Jump"
This a catchy song, but my favorite of theirs is "Right Now." I'm glad that they are touring again, and I would love to see them. I know I am in the minority with this, but I am more Team Sammy.

Huey Lewis & The News "Back in Time"
If you grew up in the 80's, how can you not love Huey Lewis? This one is kind of cheeseball, but so are the Back to the Future movies, so it is all good. When Squishy and I were first dating, we talked about Huey Lewis and he brought over his cassette tapes. I don't think they've been moved from my music collection ever since. I think "Happy to be stuck with you" is a fitting song for our relationship.

3 Doors Down "Here Without You"
Awww, it is bittersweet that this one came up on my list. After we had been dating for a month, the Air Force sent Squishy away to Las Vegas for a month (I know, right, poor baby). It was weird to be away from him for that long, but it was such a blessing for our relationship. We became friends, since all we had was the phone, and it prepared us for deployments. During that month, this became our song.

Beach Boys "California Girls"
I lived in San Diego from about 2 1/2 to 7, thanks to my step-dad's military service. This song reminds me of that time and especially of my sister, K Liz, who was born there. If you don't love the Beach Boys, or at least appreciate them for the feel-good tunes, you should probably reconsider your friendship with me. My fave is def the uber silly "Kokomo."

Phil Collins "You'll be in my heart"
Yes, I love Phil Collins. Surprisingly, I'm not really a big Disney girl. This song, however, MAKES ME CRY... EVERYTIME! Especially now after everything with Zac. Oy! Okay, moving on.

Moody Blues "Nights in White Satin"
Oh the Moodies! When I was a kid on road trips I would have my mom put in her Moody Blues tape because it made me fall asleep. In college, I finally gave them a chance and FELL IN LOVE. Wow! We've seen them in concert together twice. Amazing how good music endures... the stories are still as relevant today as they were in the 60's.

Shakira "Hips Don't Lie"
I am a completely horrible dancer, yet that has never stopped me. The right song and I'm dancing all over the place.

Day 10: First Love and First Kiss

When I saw that this was going to be one of the topics for blogging, I kind of cringed.

First of all, my first kiss was at the age of 17 and totally lame (though at the time I felt on top of the world). I'd prefer to leave that memory buried deep in the recesses of my brain, if you don't mind.

Now, first love. This is a little tougher. What counts? The first time I thought I was in love? The first time I told a boy I loved him? The first time I told a boy and he told me back? Or the first time I was really truly in love?

The first time I thought I was in love I was probably a whole hot 13 years old. I've always really been kind of boy crazy and had bunches of crushes. My journals from my pre-teen and teen years were filled with "xoxo" and dreams of story-book romance. Yet, I didn't actually date until I was out of high school.

I don't know who I first confessed my love to, but I have the icky-feeling-in-my-stomach assumption that it was this boy I was obsessed with throughout high school. God bless his soul, he is one of my dearest friends now and he and his wife (whom I've also known forever) are one of those amazing couples that were just made for each other.

I dated several guys between high school and meeting Squishy that I think I probably thought I loved, and maybe even said as much. Looking back, I think it was more that I wanted them to fall in love with me. All I really imagined about love was that it was about sunshine and happiness, having a partner. I didn't really think about how loving someone means accepting that sometimes it is going to suck.

Squishy and I have been married almost 8 years now and in that time, I have come to realize that love is not a stagnate thing. When you say "I love you," it more means, "I love you now and I want to keep falling in love with you every day forever and ever." The more I learn about Squishy and see him in action, the more experiences (good and bad) that we share together, the more I fall in love with him. The more I see that I couldn't be me without him. And I realize that I have never felt this way, this "love" thing with anyone else.

Day 9: Back to the Future

Just a few days ago I typed about how I imagine my life in 10 years, and I really don't know if I have much to add for "how I imagine my future." I think I mostly just want to keep on this path and keep experiencing life to the fullest. That means appreciating the little joys and recognizing that sometimes life sucks and is going to hurt A LOT.

Of course there is a part of me that hopes I get drop-dead gorgeous, write an international best-seller, get my doctorate and change the course of education, and get to have an approved by Squishy life-time love affair with Peyton Manning.

I think the past 30 years have taught me that I need to not plan or imagine my life too much. Lord knows the plans I have for myself rarely unfold. 15 years ago I was all set to be a lawyer, consumed with my career, and maybe having a family. 10 years ago, I was in college, with no clue what I wanted to be, but convinced I would be a career woman, and maybe have a family. 5 years ago I had a career plan and was married, and desperately wanting a family, but had no plans to do the stay at home mom thing. And now look at me! The idea of having a career and all that being successful requires has zero appeal to me; I'm beyond thrilled that I get to spend all my time with Squirt. Right now I can't imagine changing anything, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Day 8: I can't get no satisfaction...

... though I try, and I try.

Sorry for the random song distraction. Love me some Rolling Stones.

Anywho, today's topic is about a time in my life when I felt the most satisfied. For this moment, we have to travel back in time (about 12 years) and across the globe.

My freshmen year of high school, the district welcomed a new teacher, Ms. D. She had started her adult life in the business world and then decided to go into teaching. It was her first year and she just really made such a difference in my life. While I was blessed to have many teachers that really cared about their students, Ms. D will always have a special place in my heart.

For 3 1/2 years (I graduated high school) I saw her every school day. Early in French 1 it was clear that I was never going to master the language, but she made the class so engaging and fun that I kept at it.

Then she had the crazy idea to take a group of students to France!

For some schools, trips out of the country might not be a big deal, but for us and our school it was HUGE! Getting the school board approval, fundraising, getting passports, all the planning. It consumed probably a year of Ms. D's life and also the lives of the 8 of us that went on the trip.

My memories of that trip are so strange... some moments are so incredibly vivid that it feels like yesterday. And other chunks are so foggy that it doesn't even seem like I lived through it. We spent several days touring Paris, then several days divided up among host families, and then several more days as tourist.

My most satisfied life moment comes from our first few days in Paris, when we visited the Eiffel Tower. While the Eiffel Tower really isn't very representative of what France is, I think that it is probably the most recognized symbol of France... the place that characters in love stories dream of visiting.

The Eiffel Tower had three viewing decks at the time; I'm not sure if the system has changed since our visit. You can pay and ride an elevator straight to the top or you can save money and get some exercise and walk up stairs to the first two levels and then take the elevator to the top, which is what we did. All those stairs, all the laughter. A quick elevator ride and then we were on top of the world.

Even now typing it and reflecting, I get chills about that experience. I had just turned 18, wasn't from a real fancy family or town... I didn't really feel like anybody special. But there I was... at the top of the Eiffel Tower in freakin' Paris, France!

The feelings of accomplishment, the satisfaction of knowing I had set my mind to something and done it. At that point in my life, nothing seriously bad had happened and I had the whole world stretched out in front of me. I was unstoppable. Life was good!

That moment has stayed with me and led to my collection of Eiffel Towers (or "all that France stuff," as a 6 year old girl once commented). I even have a giant Eiffel Tower tat on my back.

Day 7: Zodiac

I'm an Aries and while I don't read my horoscope on a regular basis, I am interested in how astrology works.

Today's topic is to look at my zodiac sign and see how well if fits my personality.

I started out by just googling "all about aries" and found this.Overall, I really think I am a pretty typical Aries.

This line especially describes me: They welcome challenges and will not be diverted from their purpose except by their own impatience, which will surface if they don't get quick results.

My mom always says that I can do anything I set my mind too. One of the areas in my life that doesn't hold true for is my weight, and often times I quit a perfectly good plan simply because I don't end up being 150 pounds overnight.

I am very, Very, VERY impatient. Wishy washy people/situations are sooooo frustrating to me. Just make up your damn mind. There are pros and cons to everything, so just make a decision and lets move forward.

The website I think has a pretty accurate description of my selfishness, both positive and negative, and my interactions with other people. I am very much a "I'll just do it myself" type. My in-laws tell me on a regular basis how independent I am. That's good when handling things like Squishy's deployments, but it can be really bad when people try to help and I lose patience.

Another part of my personality that the Aries definition accurately describes is my straightforwardness. Again, this can be both good and bad. I'd say 99% of time, you know EXACTLY how I feel about you or a situation. I wear my heart on my sleeve and really have no poker face. I think people are either drawn to me for this reason or repulsed by it. Several years ago, I was working with a woman and we got along pretty well, but we weren't super close. One day at a restaurant, she started talking about how she wanted to go on an intense low-carb diet (I believe it required eating only nuts and eggs) to jump start her diet. Most people in this situation would have just smiled and nodded. Not me: I straight up told her I thought this was a bad idea. Most people would have hated me after that, but thankfully she appreciated my candor and is now one of my dearest friends.

One of my favorite parts of astrology is to see how my personality relates to those who share my birthday. If astrology is to be believed, I should share a pretty deep similarity with these folks. In junior high I met a girl who shared my birthday. At the time, I didn't think we could be anymore different... she was Miss Popular and I was, um, not. But in the last couple of years (thank you facebook) she and I have gotten to know each other as adults and it is funny how alike our personalities and views of the world are.

Day 6: 30 Facts About Moi

1. I started this entry by numbering my blog 1-30, just like I used to number my paper before a test in school.

2. I miss school. I started working on my doctorate through a mostly on-line program, but I think that I need the actual interaction/going to class component.

3. I would really love for someone to just give me a complete make-over... tell me the best hair cut and color, which make-up is the best for my face, and help me find all the right clothes.

4. I've had 4 cars in my driving life (14 years)... an acclaim that I bought from my grandpa, a used Saturn, a Kia Rio, and now a mini-van. I'm not really a "car" person... if it gets me and all my stuff from Point A to Point B safely, I'm happy.

5. I am so not a phone person. With the exception of my mom and my high school friends, I just am not good with on the phone chit-chat. So I apologize if you call me and I seem distant or in a hurry to get off the phone. I promise it's not you, it's me.

6. Speaking of my high school friends: they are still some of the coolest people I know. I'd love to move into a house with them (or a commune!) and film a reality show.

7. People like to comment that I am a fast reader. After reading a book, I can tell you the main points and such, but am crappy about remembering little details. This makes rereading books good, but makes school/text books really difficult.

8. I am always in the process of reading at least 1 book (usually more like 3 or 4). If you are ever stuck on what kind of gift to buy me: books, gift cards to book stores, or Amazon Kindle credits will never disappoint.

9. There are just so many books in the world that I want to read, and sometimes I feel guilty doing it, but re-reading an old favorite can just be extremely pleasurable.

10. For stress relief, there is no substitute for a hot bath. Whenever I design my "dream" home in my head, I always start with the bathroom, with a giant whirlpool tub.

11. I always have one hard-core celebrity crush. In the past it has been Chris O'Donnell and Josh Hartnet. Currently, Peyton Manning has my heart.

12. Ha! Just remembered that it was a list with a similar subject that I used to announce my pregnancy on facebook back in early 2009.

13. I really want to move back to the midwest to be closer to family, however, after 5 1/2 years in Texas, I'm pretty sure I would have to hibernate in my house to survive winter.

14. I have HORRIBLE hand-eye coordination. I can SEE things just fine and I KNOW what to do, but making it happen isn't going to happen. This is why sports and crafts are beyond me, regardless of how much I practice or want to improve.

15. Number 14 is kind of a shame because I would love to be the stay at home mom who is super crafty... especially now that I have become addicted to Pinterest.

16. I'm proud of myself for finally reaching the age/maturity level that I can admit that I'm not crafty and not feel inferior to those who are.

17. By my own definition, I'm not a very good stay at home mom. The house usually looks pretty lived in, I suck at clipping/keeping up with coupons, the meals aren't fancy, and I surely don't look like June Cleaver all dolled up. I think it is going to be a life long struggle to let go of the perfectionist attitude and be okay with doing my best, while enjoying what is really at the heart of being a stay at home mom: my family.

18. I'm ashamed to admit that I have worn my wedding regularly since September because my fingers have gotten kind of fat. I can put the rings on, but by the end of the day, my fingers are so sausage like that the rings hurt.

19. I think that I'm going to go get my Zac tattoo this weekend. I've decided on just a small outline of a heart with his name in the middle, probably on my ankle.

20. I would love to have one more meal with my mom and grandparents around the dinner table in the house where I grew up. I don't think I appreciated those times enough, but those are some of my most comforting memories. I really hope my kids grow up with that same experience of connectedness.

21. Blake Shelton's song "The Baby," always makes me ball. It makes me think of my grandma. I've said it before, but she and I really are the same person, just 50 years apart. She and I get each other in a way I can't explain and being away from her is super sucky.

22. My favorite magazine is "People." It takes me just about one hour to read it from cover to cover. I recommend reading it as a study guide for anyone who plays trivia games in order to excel in the "pop culture" categories. (That includes you, Squishy!)

23. My awesome mother-in-law got me a subscription to O magazine and I love it, however, a lot of times, I think some of the ideas presented are wayyyy over my head. I try with every issue to read it from cover to cover and after nearly 2 years have yet to succeed. P.S. With O magazine, I ALWAYS read the last page/column first.

24. When Hubby and I were dating, we had this on-going competition with arcade game "Police Trainer." There was one in the Dairy Queen where we lived in Missouri and we always had to play. It has been years since I have seen one, but I have great memories of the game.

25. I need more friends to play board games with. If you live in the Big Country and enjoy board games, I am accepting applications. Farkle, Yahtzee, Settlers, Monopoly, Trivial Pursuit, Scrabble... you pick your poison.

26. I really, Really, REALLY want my own pool. I love being in the water. I feel like Michael Phelps. Regardless of how slow or uncoordinated I am, swimming makes me feel powerful and strong. And afterwards I feel super duper accomplished.

27. My favorite shirt is this black and white top that belonged to a friend. We were getting ready to go out for the night and the shirt I was wearing had random "I have a 2 year old" ick on it. We ran up to her room, she showed me the top that she never wore anymore and I fell in love. I would wear it every day if it was socially acceptable.

28. Owning my own home terrifies the heck out of me! It just seems like A LOT of responsibility and what if something breaks? And yet... besides Spud 2.0 it is my biggest desire right now.

29. Speaking of homes, my dream is to buy just a giant chunk of land and let people I love build their own homes on it.

30. We have reached the end. *Drum Roll please* The last fact about me for today is that after spending nearly an hour on this silly entry, it is time for a nap!

Day 5: Suicide

When I first saw this topic on the 30 day challenge, I was a bit taken aback. While I know a blog is supposed to be personal, that's just REALLY personal.

I hesitate sometimes on how honest to be with my writing and sharing. In college I had a blog, which I sent a link to my dad to read. He was a bit traumatized and still gives me crap about it. Inviting him to read it was my way of opening up to him, to trying to get to know me. On my mom's side of the family, we share just about everything, so it didn't seem strange to me. My dad is not like that though and it was oversharing for him. After that experience, I'm a bit afraid that someone is going to use my honesty against me.

I try really hard to be an honest and open person for a couple of reasons. 1) Keeping the truth straight is a lot easier than keeping lies straight. 2) Trying to impress people or be someone I'm not, requires a lot more energy than I am willing to put into things. And 3) I have an amazing network of people who love me for who I am, and I appreciate them more than I could ever express. They deserve my honesty.

So occasionally, I overshare. I wear my heart on my sleeve. In the case of our recent adoption drama, it hurts like hell to have everyone know everything. But in the end, I really feel like the best approach for myself and for my life is to just be who I am. So I apologize if my oversharing is uncomfortable for you.

Alright, today's topic is about "a time when you thought about ending your life." I would say that I have never been officially suicidal. I've never made a detailed plan or started giving my stuff away. I have been severely depressed in the past and thought about how I could kill myself and whether or not that was the best way out of my drama. Several things have always held me back. When I was younger, it was my brother and sister. They are 4 and 5 years younger than me and had a rough childhood dealing with our parents divorce. I always thought of them in my darkest moments and thought, "the last thing they need is a sister that committed suicide."

I think that there is still a lot of stigma about depression. I am by no means an expert, all I can talk about is my personal experience.

I consider depression a long-term illness, like diabetes. I can manage the symptoms and have a relatively normal life, but it doesn't ever go away.

My depression started around the age of 17. Looking back, I just kind of went wacky and started acting in ways that weren't in-line with my normal behavior. I think a lot of it got written off by myself and my family as just teenage angst and a reaction to life circumstances. It continued on into college where I learned to self-medicate with alcohol, relationships, and food.

It was in college that I first started going to therapy. I had a great counselor who really helped me address some of my "issues."

In grad school, I was put on anti-depressants for the first time. The way it was explained to me was that all the talk therapy in the world wasn't going to help me if my brain chemicals weren't ready to receive the message. I took the meds for a brief time, but the cost and stigma led me to quit pretty quickly.

It was the summer of 2008 when my body finally said "we need to deal with this." Squishy was deployed and I can vividly remember having a freak out session in the middle of the night. I call it a panic attack. I don't know what provoked it, but for awhile, it seemed like the room had no air and nothing I could do could calm me down... my brain just freaked out. The next day I got into mental health on base and started on my meds.

I had an AMAZING therapist who helped me out tremendously. Between the techniques she taught me and the drugs, my life really started improving. It is actually really hard for me to look back on the time before then because I'm very ashamed of the person that I was. I was negative and selfish and generally, not a really fun or nice person to be around. To any of you that are reading this that were hurt by my actions, I officially apologize.

During my pregnancy, my first OB felt it would be better for Squirt if I went off of my anti-depressants. Big mistake! Those were a rough couple of weeks and again I apologize to anyone that had to put up with me. I was a hot mess! My dear friend helped me see that I needed to get back into counseling and on my meds. With much support, I changed to a doctor that was comfortable with me being on anti-depressants, though she did have me change to an older, more well studied drug.. Prozac.

I had a lot of internal struggle with that. Prozac?!? Isn't that for really crazy people? But for me it has been a life saver.

One big thing I have learned over the years is that I have to stay on my medication. Before I left in December for the adoption craziness, I had trouble getting a refill. I should have fought harder with the docs/pharmacy, but I didn't, so I just left and went several weeks without. EEK! Talk about bad news bears! Thankfully, Squishy was able to get my refill and bring it to me right before Christmas. When you have been depressed and start feeling better, it is easy to think that you can go off the meds and just keep feeling better. It doesn't always work like that.

Going through the adoption process, my depression raised some red flags during the homestudy process. Truth is, because of my struggles with depression and the amazing support system (medication, talk therapy when a crisis occurs, and better coping skills) I have in place, I think that I am better able to cope with the ups and downs of life than most people.

Phew! That was a lot, huh?

Twice in the last 12 hours I have received completely out of the blue notes about what a good person I seem to be and such. I don't see myself that way, but I am so grateful for the support. I have worked really hard over the last few years to get my depression under control and be the kind of woman that I can look in the mirror and be proud of.

If anyone who is reading this is struggling with depression, I strongly urge you to get help. I know that it can be super scary to make that initial appointment. I can call for you or go and hold your hand. And I know that when they prescribe a medication, it can be embarrassing, but just know that you are in good company. And please, Please, PLEASE... if your doctor does prescribe medication and you start feeling better, please don't stop taking it until you talk to your doctor.

And lastly, if you are struggling with depression, I am sending you a big hug and letting you know that the world can be pretty great once you get help.

Day 4: Views on Religion

A bit of a disclaimer first: I think everyone who reads this is going to differ in opinion from me, and I think that is okay. I am in no way saying that I am right, in fact I am admitting that religion/spirituality is something I struggle with. But it is a PERSONAL struggle, so please, Please, PLEASE do not preach at me.

I believe in a Higher Power, that something beyond my comprehension is overseeing this world and system of things. After that, I'm not really sure about anything.

I want to believe in some sort of after life, especially because I want to think my Grandpa is still watching over me and is seeing how my life plays out.

I do believe that suffering is real, which I struggle with A LOT. Whether that is a result of the Devil or just a limit on the Higher Powers ability, I have no clue.

I do pray, but it is more like meditation... and I always start with counting my blessings, and then asking for guidance on what I am struggling with.

I have no problem with prayer before meals and things, but I get annoyed by prayer before things like football games.

The Bible has a lot of powerful lessons, but the one that I am most committed to is "LOVE." I'm pretty open-minded and liberal. I make a bunch of mistakes and so I don't think I am in any position to judge anyone else. On that same note, I absolutely cannot wrap my brain around ANY KILLING in the name of God. I don't care how strong your beliefs are or how much someone disagrees with you... MURDER IS WRONG.

Now that I am a parent, the questions have become a lot harder to answer and I am constantly thinking about what I will teach Squirt and Spud 2.0. We do not currently go to church as a family, but I would like to. I think that having a "church home" (as they say a lot down here in the south) is important for networking and support. I want to make sure my kids are aware of the Bible and what it is about, because I think knowing that is critical to being considered "well educated." But I also plan to teach them about other belief systems because I think those are just as important. Ideally, I want my kids to think and explore and make their own opinions. I guess to me, "religious freedom" is highly important.