So we bought a house. Super duper excited for this. Unfortunately, in the packing process I'm once again confronted with "baby stuff." I've held on to it since Squirt outgrew it, thinking/hoping/knowing that he'd be a big brother soon. But after 2 disruptions, I'm finding myself letting go of the idea.
I just couldn't bring myself to pack it all up and move it. I didn't know where in the new place I would put it either. Truth is, everytime I look at it, I mourn for Zac.
And so, I am donating it all. I hate that I'm wasting a lot of money and that some of it was gifts to Zac, but I really just can't stand to see it. I figure that maybe items that are bringing me pain can bring joy to someone else.
The realtor was amazed at how efficient I was during the whole process, and I explained to her that it is easy for me to follow orders. If only everything in my life could come with such explicit instructions...
With the move, and it being nearly a year since we got our homestudy completed, we need to update a bunch of security clearances and get a new home visit. It all means time and money. I'm losing my faith. I'm holding on because Squishy still is and I don't have anything against being a mom again, but if he came to me tomorrow and said "I'm okay with Squirt being an only child," I think I would breathe a sigh of relief at this point.
I used to stress about the idea of a hospital call... the "a baby was born, you have 24 hours to come get him/her," because I didn't know how to start planning for that. Now, that is what I hope for. I feel like it would just be a billion times easier on my heart right now to just have that chaos for a few weeks and then bring home a baby, then to get matched again and then just wait. If I was worried about being distant with birth mom #2 after getting burned by the Zac situation, I really don't know what I emotionally have to offer birth mom #3. "Once bitten, twice shy," but what about twice bitten? Scared for life?
This whole process has left me feeling extremely powerless. I feel like walking away would at least be our decision... something we can control.
And meanwhile more and more friends are getting pregnant and having babies. It is such a mixed set of emotions... to be so completely happy for them... especially the first time parents... and yet to be so... jealous? Is that what I am? Am I jealous? I feel like jealousy is such an ugly emotion, but maybe that's what I am. And I just feel guilty, because while I have this amazing toddler, I know there are still so many friends and family struggling to become parents for the first time.... am I being selfish wanting another?
Dearie, you feel whatever emotion you feel. I have learned through this process that all of those emotions are normal (although annoying to no end to be sure). I think you guys need to do what you feel is in the best interest of your family: if that means going through the next round of homestudies, etc or it means walking away from it all...only you and your family can make that decision. Whatever you decide to do, know that people are here for you and will support you. Good luck on the moving!!
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